advise regarding therapy

[needy]

Yesterday I had my first session with this therapist that used ACT therapy (meditation). I filled him in on my life and he suggested I get grief counseling at the hospice. I went to the hospice and met a wonderful man and again filled him in on my life. He suggested I go to crisis invention. Went there made that therapist cry and she suggested treatment elsewhere. Called that place today waited all day for them to call back, filled her in on my life. (I find all this exhausting) She didn't think their clinic could help me. WOW!! What am I doing wrong here?? Should I be holding stuff back???

[catz]

oh im sorry youve had a run around needy. Its never easy doing this stuff. I know myself that i nearly didnt go to my first counselling session as it all just seemed too hard, but im glad i did. I would suggest going back to the grief counsellor at the hospice (as hes the first one that i can see should be able to help) and ask why he referred you and also explain to him the issues youve had with being passed along, and your unwillingness to continue with that. Again, im SO sorry youre having these issues, and no one is giving you the help you need even tho youre reaching out for it. Be strong and know were all thinking of you and willing you on.

[LizzyW]

Have any of them said why they think they can't help you?

[widower2]

Yeah it sounds like you're encountering some severely irresponsible and/or incompetent morons, frankly. Yknow there's an old saying that going to see a psychologist (or similar) to resolve emotional issues is kind of like having car trouble and having it worked on by a monkey wearing oven mitts. My impression of that being accurate only increases with time.

But that said, there ARE good counselors/etc out there - hopefully you have other options you can try. Don't give up!

[ModKonnie]

Needy, I agree with Catz. You should go back to the first person and ask why you were referred to someone else. Counseling truly does help in most situations. Perhaps you could look for a grief and loss self help group. Those are really good, too. -ModKonnie

[needy]

I feel a little bit like an onion, in my grieving and some of my issues have been around for awhile. My husband was an alcoholic and hide away from us, he had many oddities but also good traits as well. I know lots of you feel very lonely, I have felt like this for years and have adapted to it, so I don't really have that problem. My eldest son has physcosis and can be a handful but has come a long way since his father's passing. I did grief hard for my husband but worked on ways to handle things and felt I was doing alright but I have to say spilling out my guts over the last few days has put me back. I feel bad talking about my husband's drinking problem, guess that is the enabler in me. The mediation guy only deals with normal every day stress. The hospice guy was fantastic but only deals with grieving. The crisis invention only does emergency treatment. And the last place I have no idea why they can't help me, by that time my anger level was too high. The hospice worker said it is time to work on me, I think that is great idea. Today I will call the women center they have work shops on mid life women who are experiencing life changes. I was feeling well, now I feel like I am some kind of mental freak.

[LizzyW]

I am so glad you are going to the group, needy. It's okay to feel like a mental freak. We all have our issues, some of us worse than others. We can work through those, and gain understanding of why we do the things we do, which sometimes make no sense. We are all human, and we all have faults and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't need or have to be perfect. Wherever you are now, is where you start from. Take it one step at a time. No one can expect more from you. Big hugs to you, hon.

[catz]

Oh hon, i had the feeling we had more in common than just a loss. Before i met Alex, i had been married before. Suffice to say, my (now) ex husband was an alcoholic, and it ended badly, and in violence. Im not suggesting that was a part of your reality, as it isnt for everyone in that situation, but the lies, the emotional manipulation and the pain is common to both. Was your husband ever in treatment or was he in denial? And do feel fre to tell me in a privete message if youre not comfortable talking about it in public, or ideed, telling me you dont wish to discuss it. Have you ever tried al-anon? Its a support group for the families of alcoholics. I think that even tho its very hard, you are going to have to heal from the wounds caused by the addiction before you can process this latest loss. (((Hugs)))

[OldGeek]

I second Catz's suggestion about al-anon. Living with an alcoholic can adversely effect those close to him/her, and I believe an al-anon group can help you work through those issues. It's not any different that coming here to hear from others who are experiencing grief, sharing with others who have a common situation can be very helpful. Time to take care of yourself.

[needy]

My husband wasn't a typical "alcoholic" he drank but never to the point of passing out, but his drinking we felt was often number one in his life. For example when he came home from work he went right down into the basement to drink, he wouldn't say hello to us or eat supper he needed to drink. His room in the basement was filled with empties, cigarette butts and garbage. This behavior started after the birth of our first son 18 years ago. My husband never argued with me and really never talked about his problems until the last few months of his life he really had a hard time opening up. We were starting to spend some more time together, not much but I really enjoyed our time together. He would help me do the grocery shopping (huge improvement) but as soon as we got home he went into the basement. He actually stopped drinking for two weeks and was very active in our lives but returned to his old habits. The kids were starting to approach him on his drinking as well and he finally admitted he had a problem. Over ten years ago I did try to go to al-anon meetings. I went to two meetings and stopped, I felt guilty leaving my children home alone with a father that was impaired. My husband was also a master of hoarding, during the clean up I have found notes which I am taking directed towards me. I think they were written last year when I went away to work for two months. Apparently he didn't want me to return. Part of me realizes his drinking was his problem not mine then the other part thinks did I cause him to drink? Since we still don't have a cause of death I linger on thinking was drinking part of the cause. My husband over the last few months of his life talked about death I always thought it was because he was getting close to the age when his own father passed. I use to get very upset when he did that. I thought I was at a point where I totally forgave my husband but right now I am feeling so guilty. I want this feeling to stop I want to learn never to be an enabler again. I want to be able to go out and enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I am feeling very guilty for even posting this, I feel guilty knowing I need help with this. I feel guilty that I will have to spend money on my recovery. Guess I am back on the phone again today to find help.

[OldGeek]

I think the main thing you can do to help yourself is to keep talking about your feelings, especially to others who have shared the same experiences. Nobody is going to be able to say magic words to make your pain and grief go away, but as you gather little nuggets here and there you can start to work through the emotions and gradually move upwards. Right now getting better just seems like different degrees of terrible, but look for the strength to keep doing things that you find helpful, even if only in a tiny ways. You probably will find this also works in sharing the pain of being sick with an alcoholic, with others who have the same situation.

I think guilt is not unusual in grieving the loss of a loved one, especially with a life partner, somebody we knew so intimately. I feel guilty about not being a better husband, not doing a better job of monitoring my wife's health, not being there when she died, on and on. I have to try to not go down those "If only..." roads, because monsters live at the end of those roads. I also think there is a white knight/perfect angel syndrome that may initially blinds us to the flaws of our lost spouse, and some of the guilt comes from feeling like we didn't deserve them. I believe that gradually remembering some of their flaws and putting those in perspective is helpful. It's not being disloyal.

Hang in there.

[LizzyW]

I think guilt is not unusual in grieving the loss of a loved one, especially with a life partner, somebody we knew so intimately. I feel guilty about not being a better husband, not doing a better job of monitoring my wife's health, not being there when she died, on and on. I have to try to not go down those "If only..." roads, because monsters live at the end of those roads. I also think there is a white knight/perfect angel syndrome that may initially blinds us to the flaws of our lost spouse, and some of the guilt comes from feeling like we didn't deserve them. I believe that gradually remembering some of their flaws and putting those in perspective is helpful. It's not being disloyal.

Hang in there.

To me, that sounds like some really good insight. Thanks for sharing.

[needy]

Thanks OldGeek, one of our members did reach out to me and helped me a lot. I now have an appointment in two weeks with a therapist that is willing to take me on, she is even doing a sneaky sneak with the bill so I can use my benefits. Thank you everyone for your support.

[LizzyW]

Excellent needy- I'm really glad to hear that, and wish you the very best.

[catz]

im really glad to hear that needy. Its possible to get thru this, i know it is, and i know you can do it too. Hang in there.

[Lyrik]

I'm glad for you Needy. It takes a lot of courage to keep trying!!

Keep trying till you find a counslor who CAN HELP! Not every one will be a perfect fit and only you will know who that "right one" is.

Everyone has stuff that they never talked about and eventually will come out in the wash. You are not a freak!

Hugs for you!!

[needy]

Thank you everyone.

[HeyJude]

I've been reading through this thread and I think I'm going to find a grief councelor. A co-worker of mine lost his daughter and has been seeing a therapist. He gave me a referal.

Needy, have you ever thought about going to a CoDependency meeting?

[needy]

Hey Jude, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday. It was an eye opening experience. I definitely would recommend a grief counselor. A few weeks back I went to one at the hospice and he was fantastic. Today I have my first session with the new therapist. I am very hopeful that she is going to be a good fit.

[needy]

Counseling service called and cancelled my appointment. Grrrrr

[MissingDaniel]

Oh Needy, I'm so sorry to hear that. Were they able to reschedule fairly soon? I know you were looking forward to the appointment and hoping it was going to be beneficial. Hang in there!

[needy]

Therapist called me yesterday and talked to me a for awhile. I am rebooked for September

[LizzyW]

Well, Needy. Although I hate this this has been postponed, I'm glad you have had it rescheduled, and I hope it helps you through. We're all rooting for you, and for each other. Hang in there, and talk about it all that you need to here with us.

[brucealmighty]

First off - so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you might need to consider a different town/city. I don't know where you are exactly, but sometimes going to the larger towns/citiies offer people who actually know more of what they're doing to help. I've been switching therapists/psychologists for the past nine weeks. (As soon as I had my male psychologist ask me about masturbation and if I felt closer to him I looked elsewhere.) I hope you are able to find the support you need. I'm still searching for my right fit, and like I said, it's been nine weeks! You aren't doing anything wrong. The right counselor/psychologist/griefing group should be able to contact you right away and be reaching out to help... you just haven't found that right fit yet. I hope you do. Don't give up.

[needy]

Your therapist must have gone to the same school as my previous therapist and learned "what you should never say to a patient". I am up in Northern Ontario, slightly limited in resources but I do feel good about the new therapist. She sounded at least human and didn't have the god complex. lol My new therapist did mention a new therapy. It is different and oddly I did feel better after doing it. The web site is tapping.com.