Intro

[Guest]

Well I suppose that I will introduce myself. My name is Ern, my wife of 5 years passed away on the 18th of April. She and I are/were in our early 50s. She had a long list of medical issues, but her heart failed due to complications from pneumonia. I was forced to honor an advance directive and have intubation removed.

I was fired from my job one day before, for missing to much work. The first month or so I was numb. After that I thought I was starting to cope and let the healing begin. Boy was I wrong. Trying to balance grief and job hunting and insomnia has proven to be more than I can handle.

Oddly enough the only bright spot, if that is possible, is going to a small grief support group. Nice people, but I find that it seems to be helping less and less.

Leaving the house is getting more and more difficult and coming home even more so. I'm having emotional episodes on a daily basis. Triggered by random things.

My support group of friends and family is growing smaller week by week. Which is part of the reason I joined this forum.

Now my days are filled with despair, loneliness, lack of focus, insomnia. A general sense of dread is all encompassing.

I feel guilt, not for what I did, but for all the little things I didn't. My days are filled with thinking about her. I miss her terribly. We were only married for 5 years.

I know that healing takes time, but I feel that I have stalled. I accept that she is gone and never coming back, that isn't an issue. I want to find some sort of normalcy, I remember who I was and how I thought, but have lost my way getting back to that person.

I suppose I have rattled on long enough. Thanks for listening.

[leslie1004]

My name is Leslie, my husband committed suicide on Decl 22, 2006. It will be 7 years now, he was 51, and I was 53 at the time. I can tell you from my personal experience that you will have ups and downs, but you are just beginning. First, I think therapy and medication could help you to sleep, and start to function. There is no easy way to go through this, you have my deepest sympathy. I hope that you can find peace in knowing that you followed your wife's desires. There are always could haves and should haves, but in the end we have to know that we loved them; and their fate was not in our hands.

[Caremal]

h You are experiencing the most difficult time in your life. give time some time. have you written her a letter - if not you might start there. Read the forums and go back as lots of good practical in formation there from us who have been there. Your loss of her and your job at the same time was a hard time no doubt. The job can be replaced with another someday Try to get out and volunteer or get any job even if it is below what you did as it will help you more then you ever can imagine. DO NOT stay in your home and become a hermit. Come to the chat rooms often someone is there and it is a good place to just chat with someone. hang in there sending you a hug.

[Guest]

Thank you for your kind replies. I live in a smaller town so jobs are quite scarce. I know that all the healing takes time and that it at times is not a smooth line progression. The lack of sleep thing is getting better all the time. Therapy costs money, something I don't have much of anymore. I am just frustrated, because I am not healing on my schedule. I have never been patient when it comes to that kinda thing in myself.

[catz]

Sorry to say this, but there is no schedule. The one thing that all of us have found is that healing happens at its own pace and often you dont seem to be getting anywhere or even going backwards. Unfortunately youll find times when the rollercoaster of grief dumps you right back at the beginning, and you have to start climbing those hills all over again. It can be done tho. My fiance, Alex, passed away a little after your wife, on the 25th, and i can feel your pain so clearly, cos there are so many familiar things in your post. I too, lost a job because i was dealing with issues relating to Alexs health, and had too much time off. I did get another position but then had to resign and stop work altogether to look after him. Im now without a job, and im not sure which is more depressing, not having a job, or being crushed when i dont get one ive interviewed for. Given my situation, im very lucky that i dont have to make the transition to work just yet so i think im going to wait a while to face the soul destroying process of job hunting, but i realise that may not be an option for you. i totally get the not sleeping....my sleep is still broken, but its better than it was,and the retreat of those around me has already happened. I still have some important ones tho, like my fiances parents, in particular his mother who i speak to most weeks on the phone. Most other people have backed off, and i can understand why. Its hard for them to see us hurting and not be able to do anything. Add this to the fact that theyre hurting usually too and i can see why they back away. They shouldnt, but its human nature. Is there no free programme for grief therapy where you are? im not sure how the system works in the states (im in NZ). Ive found counselling to be of benefit. I could go on and on about the parallels but i wont. I will say that how you feel is totally normal and ok in your situation, That wanting to hide away from the world is pretty natural, but that those of us who have been thru this have to struggle to make ourselves live. I dont have any answers for you, just a big hug from someone who is going thru the same thing, or close to it, and a firm conviction that we CAN do this, in spite of how it feels sometimes. *hugs* take care of yourself and be gentle.....dont expect too much of yourself.

[OldGeek]

I have found that staying busy with physical work is helpful, especially outdoor tasks. It keeps me occupied and I'm not so sad when I'm busy, and it tires me out enough to sleep better at night. Some of the tasks might border on silly, but for the most part they are inexpensive. For instance, I am scrubbing the gutters and downspouts because they were looking dingy. I can tell the difference, and even if others can't it helps with the overall appearance. Digging dandelions is also mind numbing work with some useful end result. Hang in there, keep talking about your loss when you need to, and trust that you will get through it somehow.

[Guest]

Thanks OG, I do find stuff to do. Mostly outdoor chores. Unfortunately my mind tends to multitask very well, I can't shut it off. As everyone says more time needed. I am having a hard time believing that, so I will wait and see.

[LizzyW]

Ern, welcome to our little club, that none of us ever wanted to belong to. I am so sorry for your loss, and for your pain. Hang in there, post her often, and get it off your chest. We'll make it to the other side of the pain and confusion with some time and persistence. Hugs to you.

[Guest]

Thanks Lizzy. I plan on venting a great deal for awhile.

May we all find peace.

[Guest]

A photo of us shortly after we first met.

[OldGeek]

I love this picture, so much love in both your and her eyes.

[Guest]

Thanks OG, I don't have many of us together, but this is probably my favorite. I was always behind the camera.

[Guest]

Thanks OG, I don't have many of us together, but this is probably my favorite. I was always behind the camera.

[nonnyg]

You have a lot to deal with and it's been a very short while. In our support group we have heard your story many times in the beginning and taken pleasure in the fact that gradually people feel better. Take care of yourself--eat, exercise, do what needs to be done. That will help you through these very hard days and into the better ones that will surely come.

[Guest]

So if my string of what most would consider bad luck continues, I may be forced to reconsider my belief in a non-malevolent universe. I got an eviction notice a couple days ago. So now I am forced to go through my wife's things all at once. I really wasn't ready for that. I'm packing and looking for a place to live. I may just grab the camping gear and head for the woods. I'll figure it out, I would like to take a vacation from it all. Can't hide from ones problems.