The ashes

[LizzyW]

I placed the ashes in the urn today, and sealed it with wax. I have no idea if I will keep the ashes, or eventually scatter them, but placing them in the pottery urn, that someone handmade for me, was a big step. I started an official journal today, to express the huge array of emotions that have been going through my mind and my heart. I did okay with the ashes. I was a little unsure, and a little shaky, but I was able to do it. Little baby steps. A lot of pain. I miss my husband.

[patsyl]

That was a big step glad it went ok for you. I lost my husband in Nov, 2012 and still have his ashes I have not gotten an urn just because Im still not sure if I'm going to keep some of the ashes or all or scatter them all. I guess I will decide one day but haven't felt the need to do anything quite yet.

[Caremal]

I put my husband down in the ground a few months after he passed. I also put him in a pot that someone had made. Someone called it a bean pot and I guess it sort of looked like one. I know it is a BIG step to do what you did -you will have many more steps alone the way. Hang in there you will go threw lots of pain and ups and downs it will get better someday.

[catz]

(((hugs))) Lizzy, that was a big step, well done. And i know you miss him hon, and you always will. Like you said, baby steps, we're all in this for the long haul

[needy]

Lizzy.........((Hugs))) Smiling with tears in my eyes. It sure has been one of those weeks, hasn't it? Dam, smile is gone, just tears. Thinking of you.

[LizzyW]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and wishes, and your support. The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough. Lots of stuff going through my mind, and it seems like it all needs sorting out. Hugs to all of you.

[Brokenwing702]

Lizzy, you are so brave to have coped with the ashes. Ours are buried but I have no desire to go see him. He is still here at home with me. Although the ashes are in a cemetary, I don't think I'll ever go visit them. If the kids want a headstone, it's up to them. I can't bear to see his name on one. Yes, the 4th sucked, and the 2nd was his birthday. Hugs.

[lost and numb]

Lizzy, I am so sorry for your loss.

It is very hard, I know . But you have taken a huge step.

I know you will find the strength to walk this unwanted and unfortunate road, we all have found ourselves on. Some how we just do.

It is 3 days shy of 9 months in with me.. After 32 years of living and loving together. it is still so hard. When will I stop crying? I have found it is really one step at a time, like we are told.

I have David's, ashes in a Maghongy box urn, that our sons, and his employees made for him at the shop where they worked ( He was a master wood crafter) . It is really beautiful. He will remain there until I die, and then our sons will mix our ashes together and spread us across our family farm of over 200 years.

I also ordered what they call cremation jewelery for all of us. I wear around my neck a heart which holds a little bit of his ashes, and some of his hair. And our two sons have the same, but in cylinders, and hang theirs in their car. He always drove them to work as they all worked for the same place. We have found comfort in having him always with us.

May God hold you tightly in his embrace and continue to comfort you in your time of grief.

Hugs

Ann

[naty0123]

Good job!! This is so hard...my husband urn was in our bedroom...i just moved him to the living where it is brighter..i to am gonna have oir ashes mixed and maybe oir daughters can take us to Colorado our last trip together cause we loved it so much! Its been over a year and i still cry every morning and at night...i just wanna him laugh!! Good luck! And we are all here for u in the days that come...there is no how manual for our pain..other thank take it day by day..which is sometimes min by min

[HeyJude]

I really need to visit this forum more often. I am a wreck. It was the 6 month mark for me on the 4th and this month, the 12th would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary and the 31st would have been his 58th birthday. I miss him so much. I cry all the time.

I buried my husbands ashes in a cemetary very close to my home. I drive by every morning and tell him hello and that I love him. I also have a necklace, a cross with some of his ashes in it that I wear every day.

I bought the MP3 files from griefshare.org and have been listening to them on my commute everyday. They are really pretty good and we all are going through this grieving process just as we should be.

If any of you are interested you can download the files from www.griefshare.org.

I miss my husband so much. I can totally relate to the person who said they are just waiting for their self to die. That is how I feel. I can't wait to die because this pain is more than I can tolerate. I don't want to live 20 years without him. After my mother goes I will to. I know that because that is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. My mother is 85 and lives with me. After she goes I will be completely alone here. I don't do alone very well at all.

[LizzyW]

I'm so sorry HeyJude. Please try to hang in there. We are all in the boat together, and we will strive to survive. Blessings to you.

[MissingDaniel]

HeyJude, I really relate to your comment about not doing alone very well. I have expressed that same sentiment to many of my friends. I have two daughters at home, so I am not truly alone, but I miss the companionship of having my husband there. I miss HIM. And I have not really been without that before, so I can understand that feeling.

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I hope that more time will help to bring you more peace, and that at some point you might find something else that helps you go on and keeps you engaged in life. You will always miss your husband, but I'm sure he would want you to find some happiness in this life while you are here. You are in my thoughts.

[Bobby Lee]

I placed the ashes in the urn today, and sealed it with wax. I have no idea if I will keep the ashes, or eventually scatter them, but placing them in the pottery urn, that someone handmade for me, was a big step. I started an official journal today, to express the huge array of emotions that have been going through my mind and my heart. I did okay with the ashes. I was a little unsure, and a little shaky, but I was able to do it. Little baby steps. A lot of pain. I miss my husband.

I can relate, as I just finally got around to moving my wifes ashes from the box to the urn( they've been sitting next to each other on my desk for the past 2 weeks) and I too started a journal in hopes of it helping me to work through things. I don't know if it is? I just miss my wife. Very sorry for your loss.

[LizzyW]

I can relate, as I just finally got around to moving my wifes ashes from the box to the urn( they've been sitting next to each other on my desk for the past 2 weeks) and I too started a journal in hopes of it helping me to work through things. I don't know if it is? I just miss my wife. Very sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for yours as well. This road we are currently on is a difficult path to travel. Peace and blessings to you.

[Silvergirl61]

I have been getting a lot of pressure lately, from various sources, about keeping his ashes here in an urn. The thought is, that i won't let myself move on, and that I need to let him go...but I just really don't understand why such a problem over the decision to wait and then mix the ashes when i'm gone, too, my daughters are ok with the idea, and it doesn't seem all that weird an idea to me...but to some of my family members...it seems too unusual. I'm glad to see, that i am not the only one who is planning that . Thank you , for sharing that ...it helps.

[HeyJude]

I really like that idea, of mixing the ashes. Sounds neat to me. I couldn't have Jerry's ashes in the house for long though. I don't know why but it started to creep me out. I felt very uneasy and I decided it was because he wanted and needed to be laid to rest. So I got a plot and we will both be buried in the same plot when I go. I have all ready taken care of my arrangements and my son has all the details and knows my wishes.

[OldGeek]

^{This topic speaks to the concept that we all grieve differently, and nobody else can manage our grief but us.}

^{Coming up with tactful ways to say no helps I think, and avoiding being wishy washy or worrying too much about hurting the others person's feelings.}

^{I believe we have to put ourselves first in this, and as the survifying partner we have that right, while accomodating others when their requests doesn't go against our strong desires.}

[HeyJude]

Has anyone gotten any flack from family about cremating their spouse? I did. My husbands family was very upset that I did that. There was a lot of whispering behind my back about whether that was his wishes or not. My husbands wishes were "I don't want anybody coming to see me and crying over me. If they can't come see me now while I am alive then they don't need to come see me when I'm dead." He did not have a funeral. I did however let very close family go see him before he was cremated. He would have had a fit because a lot of those people hadn't seen him or talked to him in months. Yet they have the nerve to question what I do....ugh!!!

[OldGeek]

Has anyone gotten any flack from family about cremating their spouse? I did. My husbands family was very upset that I did that. There was a lot of whispering behind my back about whether that was his wishes or not. My husbands wishes were "I don't want anybody coming to see me and crying over me. If they can't come see me now while I am alive then they don't need to come see me when I'm dead." He did not have a funeral. I did however let very close family go see him before he was cremated. He would have had a fit because a lot of those people hadn't seen him or talked to him in months. Yet they have the nerve to question what I do....ugh!!!

Those are people without enough real problems in their life, then have to make up drama situations. Not worth your concern at all, let them talk.

[LizzyW]

Has anyone gotten any flack from family about cremating their spouse? I did. My husbands family was very upset that I did that. There was a lot of whispering behind my back about whether that was his wishes or not. My husbands wishes were "I don't want anybody coming to see me and crying over me. If they can't come see me now while I am alive then they don't need to come see me when I'm dead." He did not have a funeral. I did however let very close family go see him before he was cremated. He would have had a fit because a lot of those people hadn't seen him or talked to him in months. Yet they have the nerve to question what I do....ugh!!!

I didn't have any flack from anyone. A couple of people were a bit surprised, but I simply told them that creamation was what he wanted, and it was. We had discussed things like this before.

[catz]

Please everyone, if you have strong feelings about how you want to have YOUR body placed when you die also, make sure that you put it in your will. Dont just rely on someone remembering that you said that you wanted whatever. That way theres no argument.......well actually, there probably will be, but tough, if its in black and white theres less wriggle room.

Jude......just ignore them. You know what he wanted, and you did your best to achieve that. Everyone else can go suck a lemon, it wasnt their decision to make. And for those of you that have ashes still at home, thats cool. As long as you feel comfortable with it, you just do what you need to do. i fail to see how its anyones business but yours. I accept that some people may in fact think theyre being helpful but it just goes to show that a little thought can be a dangerous thing in the wrong brain! SG i would politely but firmly tell those pressuring you, that youre a big girl now and you can make your own decisions, thanks. i think your wanting to mix the ashes is lovely. Big hugs ((((((hugs))))) to all of you whove had to deal with this extra pressure.

[Silvergirl61]

Dennis and I had talked about the idea with our daughters, and explained to them why we wanted to do that, and how it would be our way, of taking our last journey together, and the girls liked the idea. None of us really expected it to be so soon, but less than a year later, the conversation became very important. Our wedding bands are celtic style etenity bands..and it just so happened, that we could wear the other's band on adjoining fingers where they fit perfectly..and he pointed out that the adjoining circles turned eternity into infinity. He picked mine up from the table one night and slid it on next to his..and it fit. Seriously, he looked up and asked that if something happened to me, if he could keep mine and wear it to remind him that someday..we'd be together again, for all time. I told him of course he could, if it was important. He said he knew that a lot of people left the rings on their loved one, but he thought it would be a better sign to him the other way. I laughingly tried his band on next to mine..and it fit on my adjoining finger...so that's where it is now. They always made him take his jewelry off, if he went into the hospital for tests or surgery, and he had me wear them , so they would be safe...and that's what i did, until he was ready to take them back. They are silver, so they aren't monetarily valuable..but they are priceless to the family..and the girls will each take one, when I am gone. I think his idea was stunningly sensitive and totally appropriate. He was my soulmate..my best friend first and then my husband..and no matter what life holds from now on..he's a part of me, and who I am and will be from now on. I have never met anyone else, who knew me so well, understood me completely..and quite honestly, I don't believe there is another- he was the once in a lifetime love.. We shared many interests, and we also could learn from each other. and enjoy the differences between us, with affection and respect, and could make each other laugh, and each made the other complete, and whole...such a partnership is too rare to simply "move on", "let go" of, or "forget" about...and I will never stop missing him..until infinity is now.