Nelly, my soulmate whom I miss so much

[mackelkin]

The day Nelly left, it felt like the world around me was collapsing. Everything suddenly seemed like an uphill task, my breathing seemed erratic, my eyes were blurry, my brain shutting down - probably to protect me from the inevitable pain. The most important person in my life, a person I had known for 9 years, 3 of them as my loving wife, was taken in cruelest of ways - not even a goodbye said. Nelly had come to be my best friend, my wife, my "why of life". When I saw her lifeless body laying at the morgue, in a blink of an eye, everything that I held dear to me, the plans that we had made, the happiness that I had built up, were gone and the ensuing pain felt like it was going to break my heart into a billion pieces. The most unique person, I have ever been privileged to come across - lay in that morgue, her body broken by the wreckage. The strength in my legs seemed to fail me, as I tried to run from that place, hoping to escape the reality that my world will never be the same again - it was surreal darkness and emptiness. Looking at her face on that day, she had the faintest of smile and it was puzzling to think, that even in her final labored breath she still could afford to smile - and it reminded me of the wise counsel she used to share with me - if circumstances are beyond you, let it be and let God take care of it. That is the day Nelly left.

Nelly and I got to meet in the third year of college (2004) and from the day that I laid my eyes on her, I knew I wanted to be one with her for eternity. She had the brightest glow of any human being I had ever come across, she just couldn't stop smiling and seemed to see the good side to every situation. She had a happy soul that really disarmed me and I fell for her in ways that only can revealed to people who were meant to be soulmates. After college I knew I had to make her my wife and as soon as I was able to, we we got married in 03 March 2010. Life was so good each waking minute, we fell more in love as time passed by. She was a true homemaker and I thanked God each day for her being the biggest and brightest blessing I had. On 11 April 2013, the cruel hands of death snatched the love of my life away in a tragic road accident. Her little body could not take the impact of the vehicle she was travelling on and she died on the spot. Life since then has never been the same and I doubt it ever will be. She was my "whole" life, we had no children and we depend on each other for companionship and we had come to be each other best friend. Today is exactly 12 weeks since she left and the pain still feels like a trillion furnaces have been lit up in my heart. For a moment there, I knew that I was also going to die, because there was no way the human heart was designed to go through such tormenting pain and brokenness. She was 30 years old when she passed away, we had so much plans for the future. To start a family and buy a piece of land away from the city and live a serene, peaceful life till our twilight years. Now all that is gone, the plans, the wishes, the deep friendship. Life just seems so abstract without that girl in my life, how does one pick such pieces of a completely shattered heart.

[OldGeek]

I wish there were wise words that could make the pain go away, or a magic pill, but we know that is not the case. I lost my soul mate 1 week after you, yesterday was our 27th wedding anniversary. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life by far, and it is just going to take a while to settle into a new normal. All I can say is hang in there and try to find even small moments that are happy, or at least less sad. I try to write down the little progress steps as they go by, and in retrospect I am doing better than I was a month ago, which was better than the month before. It's still all just different degrees of terrible though, but hopefully the healing will continue. Life will never be the same, and it shouldn't be, but I believe we can find a different type of happiness in our life. Soul mates are rare, but I do think we can still love again, and be loved, and be happy as long as we don't expect that person to replace our soul mate. I don't know about you, but I feel so lucky to have had those years with my soul mate, something that many, perhaps most, people never experience.

[LizzyW]

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish there were words we could offer which would make your pain go away, but there aren't. Try to reach out to others, and not try to isolate yourself too much. I know that is difficult, or at least it is for me, because I want to hibernate for a long while, then awaken, but that still would not ease the problem of the pain. This is something that we must go through, as well as we possibly can, and someday, it will hurt a little less, and we will feel a little better. Best wishes.

[MissingDaniel]

I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my husband the day after your loss, also without a goodbye. Everything you said about how that day felt to you makes so much sense to me. It sounds like the two of you had something very special, and it will take some time for you to mourn the loss of that special and wonderful relationship. But like others have said, if you can, try to focus on being thankful that you did have that time with her, and that you found each other and got a chance to know what it felt like to have found your soulmate. No one can ever take that time away from you.

May each day bring you a little more peace as you try to find a way to get through the next. I do feel much more able to function than I did a month ago. In those early days, I couldn't imagine moving forward at all, though I knew I had to for our children. I hope you find that as well.

[PD1]

Dear mack, our story is similar.. We also loved each other so much. We were each others best friend and never felt the need for any friend.. I lost mu husband on 13 april 2013 , 2 days after u lost nelly.. He was also just 33 years.. He got an heart attack.. I can totally understand ur feeling.. Pls feel free to share ur heart here.. as we all know the pain..pls aim something in life now.. See to it that u hv to achieve it.. Which i already started doing.. Hoping to pass on the days till god calls me too.. But till then have to live anyhow..so be strong..

[Guest]

I feel you Mack, I am in my early 50's, my wife was taken a week your's. She was my world and my soulmate.

I don't know how to pick up the pieces yet, but I learning more everyday. I wish you peace.

[catz]

oh Mack, i dont think there is any worse pain than knowing that the one person that you wanted to be with forever, has gone and you cant follow. There are some unique challenges that face those of us who didnt get to say goodbye, whose loved ones left us unexpectedly and suddenly. Can i suggest the book "I wasnt ready to say goodbye" as it specifically talks about the situation you, and i , and many of us here have found ourselves in. Im grateful that my fiance died in his sleep, at home, surrounded by those who loved him, but it still breaks me totally to remember it. Like you and your love, we were the best of friends, were always able to meke each other laugh, and i miss that the most. Alex was gregarious, and that was enough for me, cos ive never really been a "people" person, so that means that i dont have a lot of people around me.

You asked a question, "how do you pick up the pieces of a shattered heart?" and the answer is, one piece at a time.

And what you end up with wont be the same, it wont EVER be the same, but maybe it will be good, tho i know that seems to you, impossible now. I know it does to me, but i feel like i have to carry on for Alex. I also have our animals to take care of and i wont let them down or him, so i carry on....one step, one shard at a time.

*hugs* take care.