Help with advice

[lost and numb]

Hi all,

. Sorry I have not been on for awhile. Been trying to deal with things . I have a question, and am in need of advice.

I have a friend who tried for months after David died to get me out and about. She said, she didn't want me to wallow in my grief. Well she introduced me to a friend of hers.Who happens to live next door to a friend of ours. They are both older disabled gentlemen and are living alone. One is 72 and the other is 55 with a long distance Gf. This friend of mine ended up doing 6 weeks in jail for a DUI. Durning which (7 months after David died) I became closer to these two gentlemen as friends. We all need the company so we had started grilling out and then playing dominios one night a week. It is good therapy for all 3 of us.

My friend got out of jail, and even though she introduced me to the 55 year old ( I had known the other gentleman for about 7 years and he was friends with my husband). Now she is saying I am doing my husband wrong. I am disrespecting him by getting out and enjoying the company of these friends.. It has been 9 months (almost) and all we are doing is getting together to enjoy each others company, having a few laughs, and relieving our lonelyness. Her arguement is that David hasn't been dead a year yet.And that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing. Even though she was the one to suggest it and tried in vain to get me out in the first 4 months after my husband died..

Am I disrespecting my husband by getting out of my house and trying to get back into life too early? Or is my "friend" butting in where she doesn't belong. It is really hurting my feelings. That she would encourage me to get out, but when I do, she says it i s wrong of me to do so.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

.

Ann

[ModKonnie]

^{Ann, Go out and enjoy yourself. You are not disrespecting your husband. Grieving is an individual process and you should just be yourself. --ModKonnie}

[needy]

Ann, in my opinion you are not doing anything wrong. Women married, single, divorced and widowed can have male friends. Do not let this "friend" cast her opinions on you.

[widower2]

I don't think you really need us to tell you the obvious answer, but since you asked:

Your "friend" is not only glaringly wrong but is IMO acting like a horse's ass. Also water is wet. Hopefully she means it (and has put it) in a "I'm saying this because I care" way, not in some self-righteous flurry of obnoxious idiocy. If the latter, frankly I would start seeking out better friends (preferably ones who don't drink and drive, by the way), but that's me.

Your journey through this is just that: YOURS. She has no clue, I repeat zero, nada, zip, none whatsoever, about what is right or wrong for you and is not only totally ignorant in thinking so, but acting like a flaming butthead by telling you so.

If she knows of some Holy Grieving Bible or federal law that states you have to be miserable and unbearably alone for at least a year, do please point us to where it's located. If it exists, I'll give her every penny I have.

Needless to say I'm not too worried.

Good grief. Example # 8 billion and five of how people are so good at being morons.

[catz]

what they said.........seriously it sounds like a major case of sour grapes, but really i dont think id be trusting the judgement calls of someone who was done DUI in any case. YOU do whats best for YOU, end of story.

[lost and numb]

Thank-you all very much for the advice

.

This is so upsetting. I recieved a phone call from another friend this morning. She told me that this Friend called her and dogged me out for an hour telling her about how I am doing David wrong. Then another friend called and said the same thing!

I have no clue what I ever did to this woman to make her treat me like this..

I am no longer going to speak to her. But what can I do about her spreading this around to everyone I know? This has brought me to tears. I just dont know why she wants to embarress me like this.

I am dealing with enough in my life right now.

W2 apparently she is doing this for some reasoning of her own.

Hugs to all.

Ann

[mgilbertson]

Ann, First off dump this "friend". People that say we're "wallowing in grief" piss me off too!! They obviously haven't gone through the loss that we have and don't realize we'll never be over it but are trying hard to get through it day by day. My own experience so far has been that when I am out with family or friends, my husband is at the forefront of my mind anyways and not because of guilt but because I want him here with me!! I'm happy we can have some fun now and then and I know our spouses want us to also. I say "Live your Life" !!!!!! ~Marti

[needy]

Ann, I think you have a few options. Do nothing and let this lady do her thing. Or if you don't think you can confront this lady ask another one of your girlfriends to give her a blast or if you are up to it call her or face her directly and tell her to please stop.

[Caremal]

All the replies here are saying is what I was thinking as well. This person and others in the world have not been or are NOT in YOUR shoes. You do what you feel you want to do. My husband told me (he was sick a long time) to go find a new friend someday and be happy again. You husband would not want you to sit in a corner and be miserable the rest of your life. Life is short - go live it go beyond your comfort zone. In my opinion it is non of my business what others think of me - I could care less. Go have fun with anyone you want to and do what ever you want.

[Silvergirl61]

It hasn't been a year quite for me, either. If I had a male friend or two that i enjoyed spending time with, it's nobody's business but mine- period! My Dennis was never a dog in the manger guy. He wasn't jealous or insecure, and he'd be the last one to say- sit in your house and mourn me all the rest of your life. Anyone who is a friend of mine (really) or who cares about me (really) wouldn't be telling me how I am treating his memory, if they wanted to be included in my life. This is me, and how I choose to live is up to me...not anyone else.

To put it even more bluntly than I should, maybe- I can only live so much in the past, and i can't change what is, and what was. I can only live today, and hope for tomorrow. Life is short...and nobody knows this better than those of us who have lost someone very dear to us. Live it the way you can deal with it best, and try not to let other people's ideas make you more miserable than you have to be.

I have come to the conclusion, that there are just people whose primary pleasure in life, is spending their time trying to control everyone around them, or creating situations for maximum dramatic effect. They might be useful in Hollywood, but in real life- they aren't extremely useful or pleasant to be around.

[widower2]

I have no clue what I ever did to this woman to make her treat me like this..

I am no longer going to speak to her. But what can I do about her spreading this around to everyone I know?

Ann, here's the good news:

1 - In the end, it doesn't really matter why she's doing this (basically I refer back to my flaming butthead guess) so you don't need to figure out it out (if it were me, I wouldn't). What matters IMO is distancing yourself from this person, at least that is what I would do (granted that doesn't necessarily mean it's right for you; again that's me). If she has the gall to try and re-connect with you as if she's still your friend, ignore her or just tell her where to get off. If that's too hard in person, email her or text her or whatever.

2 - You don't need to do anything about her. She is doing it for you - ie letting everyone know what a hurtful ass she is. Any of your other friends who are really friends and have a clue will see that too.

Once more just my .02.

[lost and numb]

Thanks again for all your advice everyone.

I am feeling much bettter about this. I found out that I have some really really good friends, including those of you in here, You all are great!

,

Yesterday I had an unexpected but pleasant evening among a small group of friends. (They just showed up and started the grill ) They were here to discuss the situtation, and let me know they were there for me no matter what. And that David, would not want me to sit in the dark and cry all the time.. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I decided the best thing would be for me to act as if it never happened, and she never exisited.

Hugs to all. Thanks for being here for me.

Ann

[widower2]

That's great! tc

[Caremal]

Wonderful good for YOU and your real friends