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feeling crazy


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Hi, its been a while since i posted. Actually I only posted once and I think I could barely say anything.

I've had a couple of things on my mind and some days it feels like a mountain of things on my mind, I am guessing most of this comes from grief. OK, here is my list.

Days where I literally feel as if I will go crazy, not sure from what, overthinking, exhausted thinking, as if I am confused about the fact that I used to be able to pick up the phone at a certain time of the day and call my husband and what the hell do I do now that he is not at the other end. I am in another state right now with family, hence the phone call feeling. Or what do I do with the time that we would normally spend.

It is almost as if on some days I will come out of shock for a few minutes ( which feels like a massive brain fog has lifted for a moment) I usually take this moment to check in with myself to see how I am doing, and than realize what has happened and go back into shock once my brain decides that this is incredibly confusing to try to comprehend what really happened.

Sometimes I get lost in replaying the events of the month and a half of the end over in my mind. This is when the grief and the crazy feeling get really hard.

I get incredibly angry at people in general, and friends. This was a shock to me as well because I thought I would be able to keep talking my way through the grief, but I want nothing to do with most people recently. It was also a shock to me that most people do not seem to understand.

I am edgy, angry, and most often do not know who to talk to.

This seems to be a very specific kind of grief when you lose a spouse, i feel like there is a whole lot of things people do not tell you about this kind of grief and grieving.

I feel stressed, and my body hurts.

And the hard part is not knowing what to do for yourself, and then there is a weird thought that seems to come up that this is going to happen again tomorrow because its not like you have to just get through today, He will also not be there again tomorrow. A whole new feeling of shock.

On another note there are a whole slew of beautiful things that I have gone through, like I feel him around sometimes, and sometimes this is really hard and sometimes this is what gets me through the day.

And more, but I ran out of energy.

Ok, thanks for listening.

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Well, it sounds like these are all pretty normal reactions to a serious and life-altering-in-a-major-way life change. Your brain and your emotions are on overload- probably stressed to the maximum amount ever experienced before. I am feeling somewhat the same, at times. Not continuously, but it definitely comes to visit in spells. I am exhausted. I am irritable. I am hurting. My chest is tight and I have shortness of breath at times. I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning. My legs ache, and my legs tingle. I am scared (I have never lived alone before). From all I have been reading, which has been a load of material, these are normal things, and they take quite some time to recover from, and integrate into your life. Have you been to a doctor for a routine check-up? I went a couple of weeks ago, and am glad I did. She ordered a lot of blood tests, and most of them were good, except that my vitamin D is pretty darn low, and B-12 is borderline low. I told her what was going on in my life, and she was very compassionate, and is trying in every way to help me through this from the medical end. The low Vitamin D could very well be causing many of my symptoms, in addition to the stress, so I started taking a supplement, and am eating healthier than I have in a couple of months. I found that with my stress and loss, I want to stay inside most of the time, which is probably one of the reasons my D is so low. Although it is hard to do, try to focus on keeping yourself physically healthy, to help you deal with the mental and emotional stress. Hugs to you, and hang in there. We're traveling a rocky road.

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I just joined the group. My husband passed away about 6 weeks ago. I try to get through each day. Sometimes each hour. At times, I feel him with me, too.

I feel angry and distant with people who I used to be close to. I am not sure how to handle these feelings. I know I'm angry because he died. I joined a bereavement group and I hope that helps me to learn how to cope. It's just so hard and painfui. I'll write more another time. Thanks for listening to me, too.

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