I lost both of my children October 2011 and I am starting to forget things

[Dkeats]

On October 12 2011 I sent my 2 beautiful babies Ava 5 and Austin 4 off for fun filled few days with my mother their grandmother camping in their new beautiful motorhome. I remember being so rushed to get them going so my mom wouldn't have to drive in the dark that I didn't get the proper hugs and kisses I woud have normally gotten. As a single mom I was looking forward to some time to myself to do what ever I wanted. I remember before I even got to the end of my mom's driveway after dropping off the kids thinking how much I would miss them. I played the voice recordings they had made in my car all the way to the end and remember thinking how great it was that if anything ever happened to them that I would have this to listen to. I shook off the thought and continued on with my day.

At 3 am the next morning I was woken up by my doorbell ringing( a sound which to today makes me sick to my stomache) I went to the door and there where two police officers standing there asking me if I was Darice Keating? I remember thinking, "they are using my maiden name, this must be about my brother or father" and so I answered "yes I am" they then proceeded to tell me that there had been a fire in the motorhome that my children went camping in and that my Ava and Austin did not make it, they had died. My mother and her boyfriend were in a coma and being airlifted to the nearest hospital.

My world turned black and empty that day and it has been a struggle everyday since. Some days I am settled with it and some days not at all. I am a very spiritual person and have had a strong connection to both of my children(each one at different times) having dreams and recieving signs often. I have no doubt in my mind that they are happy and okay. It is me who is not. I loved being a mother, their mother. They brought me so much joy and gave me a sense of purpose. I knew that if I never accomplished another thing in my life they were enough for me. They were my one big thing. I loved them with every fiber of my being and was so proud to be thier mom.

Now I am just me. Just me? Who is that? I used to feel things, I used to love, I used to genuinely live my life, and now I fake my way through every situation. Acting "as If" hoping that one day I will have an authentic emotion, reaction, or feeling. I know in my head I love my family, I know in my head I love my boyfriend, but my heart feels nothing. After my divorce I felt numb and my children were the only thing that made me feel my heart. When my Austy would climb up on my lap look into my eyes and say "cuddle on the couch mama?" and I would wrap my arms around him and pull him in so tight burying my nose in his hair and entangling my fingers with his my heart felt like it would break out of my chest it was so full of my love for him. Or when my "big girl" Ava woud say "mommy can you rock me like when I was a baby and sing my bedtime song tonight?" I could hardley contain the intense emotions I felt while I sang "I Love you forever." And now nothing. When I try to feel my heart the feeling of pain overwhelms everything else. I miss feeling good things.

Lately I have been in this strange and foriegn place where I feel no connection at all. I look at their pictures and it's almost as if I am looking at someone elses children. I try to imagine them playing in the yard like they used to and I can't anymore, I sit in their rooms and feel nothing. I am starting to forget the sound of their voices and what it felt like to have them here and it makes me so angry and afraid. How can I forget? I am their mother? One day they will just be a story to everyone, something that happened in that little town a long time ago. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

I feel like maybe it is time to pack up their rooms but I feel like that is the last tangible connection I have to them, I am confused and wish there was a simple clearcut path through any of this.

[NeverAndAlways]

Didn't know what to reply to this...hit too close home in some ways. Especially for my wife..I have kids from a prior marriage that all survived...but all her children (three) died in a wreck...every child of her body. I've heard her say all these things you said and agonized for her helplessly. I tell her though...no matter what...she is still a mother...she is still their mother...they are still her daughters...if someone says it's hard to raise kids...I tell them try raising memories...it is much harder. I found I have forgotten the feel of their presence in our daily lives...but I'm also starting to get some of their memories back that I lost...I went by a park I forgot we went to and all these old memories that were part of the growing blank in my mind came rushing in all at once. I could see them again. where the put their shoes while they played in the sand. where they walked along the tops of picnic tables. it came back for a minute and hurt so bad but I cherished it while I could. I wish I could remember everything. It is so frustrating. It took almost two years to try and look at their videos...and when I tried, the files were corrupted. Almost all of them. Might as well have been a death sentence. I still can't understand why after everything even that had to be taken. Your words hit close...I hate for you that it is that way...but it comforts some to feel understood and have feelings validated. so sorry for the loss of your beautiful children. my babies know them for sure now. - N&A

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dkeats,

I am so sorry for the loss of your two children, Ava and Austin. The feelings you expressed in your post are so true for many on this terrible grief journey.

I had a visit from a mom the other week who heard about Jesse, my son that died in the motorcycle accident. She had a son who was 38 that died 15 years ago. She told me she still keeps his room exactly as it was when he died. Her husband died about 4 years after her son. She told me that in the winter she takes turns wearing each of their coats. She recommended Compassionate Friends grief support group for face-to-face meetings. I am not sure I am ready for that, but it might be something for you to consider.

If you like, you can post in the Loss of an Adult Child since there are many of us that regularly post in there, it doesn't matter the age of the child, you will find kind, compassionate people who will respond.

When you are walking this grief journey, you do what you have to do to get through until the end of each day.

In my prayers, Jesse David's Mom

[Dkeats]

Thank-you both for your replies, I have never posted on a forum before and figured sharing my story and hearing how others are coping would be helpful.

Jesse Davids mom, I will check out the parents of adult children forum as well, thank-you.

Never and Always I am so sorry to hear of your loss that must be so hard for you and for your wife. I have been looking for a forum or person I could talk to that has experienced losing all of their children at once as I did, as there are feelings unique to this loss that are hard to express and in a weird way I am also greatful that you have written as it makes me feel less alone on what I am going through. So thank-you for writing and sharing.

I am not sure if there is a way to respond to the individual comments, I am new to this so if there is and someone could enlighten me It would be greatly appreciated.

[hkolb]

This is my first reply, as yours was the first post I read. It hits close to home, as I lost my baby boy at 22 months old due to an accident at home in 2011. We have an older son who shared a room with him, and right away we put everything away.....hiding that he even existed.........I know it sounds cold, but it helped. If not for us, for our other son. Sometimes, the packing up of our babies things helps.

[dsmurph]

DKeats, I'm so sorry that you lost your 2 beautiful children. My heart truly cries out for you. Hugs and prayers to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

DKeats....I just read your post...and please know our hearts and prayers are sent to you...I am rushed for time now...but will get back with you later...please go to the site called..'Loss of Adult Child'...and it doesn't matter if your child was 4 or 40....I joined the site a few months ago....but there are people on that site that have been on there for years....yes...some parents have even been on there for 10 years...and what a blessing and comfort they have been to me...I call them 'our Guides'.....they have been on the grief journey for a long time...and have much wisdom and comfort for us....you can re-read posts...and know you have come to a place where you will be understood and many hearts and hands will reach out to you. Blessings to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

I am sorry....I meant this message for everyone that posted on this site...not just one person.

[517958]

Darice, I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. I lost my 5 year-old daughter on July 6th 2011 in a drowning accident. I just wanted to let you know of a book I read that you may want to read. It's called "I'll see you Again" by Jackie Hance. She lost her 3 daughters in a car accident about 3 years ago. I found it to be the book that most closely depicts the pain of losing a child that I have read.

[mbkubitz]

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Being afraid of forgetting memories of my daughter has been a fear of mine since she died in 2009. Especially since she was only four years old, it wasn't a lot of time to even build that many significant memories. I like to write, so I started just writing them down in a journal as I remembered them. Many memories are short or everyday stuff...but I felt like at least I captured them. I actually got relief writing them down, and eventually decided to build a website with the idea that bereaved families could capture their memories and share them. Just recently, I actually wrote about the fear of forgetting my memories and the fear of my daughter being forgotten by others, http://wp.me/p2imOE-cT...don't know if it would help you to read. Take care and keep reaching out for support!

[Dkeats]

Thank-you, I read your blog post an it captures a lot of how I feel. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing you thoughts and feelings.

[Chandra]

Oh my gosh. I started to read your post and realized we must be from the same community, because I remember reading about your story in the local newspaper. That whole week I cried for days even though I don't know you, because I could not stop thinking about what you must be going through. I am so very sorry for your unimaginable loss. I hope there is some way your broken heart will one day allow itself to feel again.