I need some suggestions.

[sophie's mom]

We lost our precious little girl about 4 months ago. She died in a very sudden and unexpected way. She died at her sleep. I am devasted now. She's our only child. She's my center of life. I did everything for her and I love her so much. I can't believe she's gone. My days are so dark. I cry everyday. I haven't been able to return to work. My company has been asking me if/when I will return to work. They still hold the position for me and expect me to return. I just don't know if I can. I am so weak and so broken. I am so afraid. I am so afraid to see my coworkers. I am a very quiet and private person, not very social. I don't have very close friends there. I usually don't like to share my personal life with coworkers. But now everyone at work (it's a big company and there are lots of people) knows about me and my story. I feel terrified just to think about that. I know they will feel sorry and compassnate. But I also know they won't completely understand my pain. I don't like to be kind of "news person" at work. I don't even know what to say or how to behave there. I am not a strong person and maybe I worry too much about what other people think, but this is always my personality. I almost feel like to find a new job and a new environment will be better for me. I can at least choose to tell or not to tell. I don't know if I am normal.

My husband went back to work 2 weeks after our daughter's passing. He said it's a distraction for him and he doesn't know how I can stay at home everyday. But for me, I just like to hide at my home now. I can feel some peace staying at home. I hate to talk to people now. We are very different people. He's a lot more social than I am. If I quit my job now (financially we are ok), but I feel more sorry for my little girl. I didn't quit my job when she's alive (she's in the daycare) and now I stop working for the sake of myself. I can't seem to pursuade myself it's right. But if I do decide to return, I know I have to push myself really really hard. I know I should do what I feel like, but I also don't want to let the fear make a wrong decision.

I don't know what to do. Force myself to return to work or quit and find some work from home job.

Can anyone share your experience about returning to work after a loss of a child, or any suggestions for me? Thank you.

[rachel atkinson]

Hi i understand how you feel me and my husband lost our little boy september last year at a month old. He never left intensive care from being born. Like you i dreaded the thought of going back to work. I only work in a small drycleaners but most of our customers are regulars who knew me and knew i left on maternity leave. I was lucky that as i work for friends they didnt really hassel me to rush back. Lots of people kept saying geting back to work would give me something to do but i couldnt cope with the idea of being there. For a long time i wouldnt even go in the shop or any of the surrounding shops incase i saw people that knew me and they said anything. The shop closed on the afternoon of my sons funeral so the other staff could come to the funeral so i knew a lot of customers would have been told what had happened. I was still entitled to maternity after my son died which i found really strange as i didnt have a baby anymore. I stayed off till my maternity pay ended in the middle of April so i had 7 months off after his death. I did think sometimes people thought i only stayed off that long cos i could but it was only then that i felt able to go back. I think you have to just do what is best for you. Dont let anyone rush you. You will know when you feel ready. On a postitive note when or if you do go back it wont be as bad as you imagine it in your head right now. Most people have just told me how nice it is to see me instead of actually mentioning whats happens. I know its their way of being nice. Only one customer has come in and not known and asked me about my baby. I started crying as i told him i lost him. I dont know who felt worse me or him. He returned with chocolates 5 minutes later.

[NeverAndAlways]

I've heard my wife express that guilt...she worked when they were alive but doesn't work now and regrets all the years she worked...and regrets all the times she said 'no'...and regrets all the times she did others things that were good parenting decisions, based on the assumption that they would live full lives. You worked to make life better for your family assuming it would not change, right?

I had no choice but to return and I really hate it...even resent it often...but am grateful at the same time. I don't like work and the distraction it provided at first has developed into a burden now. So, things change...constantly. I think its true to say there aren't so much 'milestones' in grieving...it's more like 'chapters' because you conquer one monster and another appears...you conquer a new monster and an old one returns. New days bring new hope and new sadness.

I don't think anyone can tell you whether you should or should not return to work. And I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. If you go back to work, you will still be sad, but make the best of it. If you stay home, you will still be sad, but make the best of it. R.A. is right...don't rush into anything. There is no rush. But don't be afraid of anything either...you will be surprised (sometimes troubled) at how much you can do.

allow those consolations that come...live without those that don't. So sorry for your loss...you sound like you really, really love her.

N&A

[sophie's mom]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, NeverAndAlways and rachel atkinson. I am so sorry for both of your losses.

I miss my daughter so so so much. I feel like I can almost still smell her, kiss her and hold her. She's only 20 months. She's a very cute little girl. I am struggling with "what ifs" and regret that we didn't take care of her.

I think I won't rush myself. But I also know the longer I stay at home, the less interest I have to return to work.

[NeverAndAlways]

don't borrow worries from tomorrow...you have enough today. Don't fret whether you'll stay home too long and never work up the desire to go back to work...let tomorrow take care of itself. You could go to work today and find out a year from now you don't have the desire to work and quit then in spite of yourself hypothetically...you don't really know. We all make mistakes as parents and we never expect to have to live with them with no time to repair them. We did what we thought was right at the time with every expectation that we would make course corrections along the way as needed if we slipped up and did what we thought we should based on an assumption we'd still be doing it. Don't guilt yourself for not being perfect and not knowing the future. So sorry...I know the pain isn't less, but I hope you can work through some of the grief...N&A