Renovations and the new widow

[needy]

I know this isn’t a grieving question, more how to act when you are a widow. I am trying to get quotes for renovations (new floors, kitchen counter (maybe new cupboards) and finishing off a room in the basement) and I am finding it harder than expected. Two weeks ago I went to local box hardware store and patiently waited for service for 2 hours then found out I had to pay for a quote for the flooring, of course I paid for it. After two hours I didn’t feel like waiting around for another 2 hours in the kitchen department.

Then I thought about it what I really need is a handy person since I have so much work to be done. Called the guy my husband use to use and he was very nice on the phone guess he came to my husband’s visitation. He said he would call me back, he hasn’t.

Called this other guy he was great on the phone, said he would call but hasn’t. He had me go out to his supplies and pick out the flooring, counters etc. I did my part buddy why haven't you called me back?

Last night the box hardware store guy came out. He just does floors and has his own business and basically warned me not to use the big box store hardware store because they will nickel and dime me but he has his own business and he gave me his card. He said we just couldn’t buy the supplies from the large store but there are so many other places that sell flooring. The reason why he did this is because he saw my husband’s prayer card on the table. Guy seemed genuine but I am sucker for a good sales pitch.

Called this other place and they are coming out tomorrow night to give a quote but warned me they couldn’t start till November. November??? This guy says he knows me from somewhere and I believe him because he knew where my kids go to school and knew where I live. I am not sure if he knows about my husband.

I have no idea what renovations cost, I do know to get quotes and compare apples to apples. It might be really hard to find a handyperson to do all the work; I might have to separate the work. What I don’t know is do I keep my mother shut about being a widow if they don’t know already?

[rkh3]

This is just the antics of most contractors, no return calls, no show on appointments, vague pricing, starting work and dissappearing, etc. The best way to find a contractor is word of mouth, ask friends and family who they have used, check Angie's List too.

No reflection on you being a widow or a female. I am a guy and have experianced all of the above, even sued two. One disappeared after 1/3 of the job, Note- never pay for work that is not completed, the other a painter who would not correct a serious issue, won on both.

[widower2]

This is just the antics of most contractors, no return calls, no show on appointments, vague pricing, starting work and dissappearing, etc. The best way to find a contractor is word of mouth, ask friends and family who they have used, check Angie's List too.

No reflection on you being a widow or a female. I am a guy and have experianced all of the above, even sued two. One disappeared after 1/3 of the job, Note- never pay for work that is not completed, the other a painter who would not correct a serious issue, won on both.

Well said. Also if I wait for more than about oh 10-15 mins in a place, they are probably poorly managed or just don't care - either way, that means they just lost my business. Good grief - 2 hrs? Maybe you should have knocked a display of stuff over, that might have gotten you quicker attention. And NEVER pay for a quote! What on Earth? How do these people manage to stay in business??

Basically, this is your time and money; make them work for you. If they act like they don't care or are doing you a "favor," walk away. As rk said, ask around of those who's judgment you know you can trust. Trust NO ONE you don't know. Surely there's SOME construction guy in your area that isn't a jerkface. Good luck!

[Caremal]

Good you are getting a quote at I did that before my husband died and 1/2 the work was done before and 1/2 after then he had the GAUL to change it from $2000.00 to almost $7000.00 I was aghast and like an idiot I paid it. ALWAYS get it in writing and stick to your guns on it. They seams to take more advantage of us single ladies and I guess that also goes for men. My husband was so capable so that was not a big issue to me in the 32 years we were together. I think paying for a quote is wrong as well. I have also know MANY contractors who do not call back or even follow threw when they say they would. I also hope to redo my kitchen someday and spoke to a contractor a couple months back - sure hope he stops by someday this year. I have also had this suggestion tossed my way - have a neighbor or friend or friends husband be with you when they are their. Also be weary at auto dealerships and repair shops.

[Lyrik]

I'm really glad you started this thread Needy. In the last yrs we'd let stuff go due to my husbands medical issues.

What flipped me out the most is he was a tradesman, so I have the tools, some of the materials but don't know how to do the work!!

I must have cried for a month just over that.

Angie's list was very helpful.

I'm still scared out of my mind getting the quotes and like you I don't want them to know I'm a widow. So far I had a plumber in an that went well....so I'm getting a little braver and having a electrician in. It's taken me a few weeks to get it thru my head, things didn't fall apart overnight, and so I'm pacing the repairs into pieces I CAN handle. I decided a few days ago the house will be as unorganized as it needs to be while I slow down and make decisions I can live with.

My husband was a bit of a packrat and it took all this time for me to decide what I WANT to maintain versus what I'm expected to maintain. So area rugs got pitched, 1/2 of the furnature went and I'm now going thru closets and cupboards. I went thru the storage shed first getting all that junk out of there since it was easiest for me. Ultimately it has to be what I can handle, and more importantly what I can afford to handle.

I cleared the sitting area off the front porch cause I just can't take care of it an more importantly don't want to. A family member was commenting on the end of my driveway being weedy and the front looking unwelcoming. They were told GOOD! I don't want company, or to put out the welcome mat for the world right now. Ironically my back porch never looked better, an once you walk up towards the house the yard and gardens are well kept.

[needy]

My house is falling apart, it is very dated and lets say there is no "pride" in home ownership. Every contractor gave me their ideas on work to be done. One thing they did all notice is the work our original contractor did, was not done well. Which I have to agree is true since the windows are still very drafty. To make a long story short I did sign a contract for some work to be done. All my 1950 floors are going to be changed, my husband's "man den" is going to finished into an office and my extremely ugly kitchen is going to be transformed into a bright new custom kitchen. I am getting a deal on the work but with a separate kind of humiliating cost. The contractor want to use the transformation as advertising. The kitchen is being done at cost, floors & office at full fee and they are changing windows for free. The reason why they are doing this for me is for a few reasons, they want to show people that small ugly kitchens can be transformed and I made a huge impact on the owner. Because he knew I was recent widow who had a lot of things to deal with (husband hoarding issues) he wanted to help . He also said I put the fear of god into him after he gave me his first quote and he said I looked like I was going to rip his head off any second. Guess being an angry widow might have its perks. I do want to warn anyone that advertising you are a widow might not be a good idea. I had one contractor said my house was too far gone and he would buy it for $30,000, I am pretty stupid but not that stupid. Lyrik I am still working on the hoarding issues, like you I really need to declutter. I had a junk guy come in a couple of weeks ago. There was so much stuff in the basement. First I pulled out what I could and put it on the side of the road, then the pickers came and took most of it away. Then I was able to pull out some of the heavy stuff and put it in the middle of the basement. Filled the moving truck from bottom to top. Now I at least have room in the basement to go through all the plastic totes that are pilled in the basement. As far as my yard, that is another story. I had the weeds treated but now have some dead trees they are going to have to wait till next year for removal. And my flower beds also have to wait another year.

[Lyrik]

Wow Needy!!!

Sounds like you are doing a bang up job! I've been doing most things myself and the joke here is if it's Thursday, my garbage guys are crying! With all the rain I have to keep stopping to mow the yard. Then I had a week long funk, but I'm climbing back on the horse so to speak.

I envy you your new kitchen! Grins.....

I decided the other night the garage ( his area) will have to wait till next spring at the pace I'm moving. If I can get the upstairs repainted and things uncluttered the electrical & new glass block window installed then I'm calling it a "win". The concrete work, porch supports and bathroom can wait also till spring.

The biggest problem has been the guilt. The place "could" have looked better years ago if he hadn't been so stubborn. A tradesman apparently has issues with another one coming in besides the cost. He just couldn't admit he had physical issues. As different area's begin to come together I get stuck on thinking it's a damn shame he isn't here to enjoy it, then I also know he'd be proud I'm taking care of the place.

It's like riding a roller coaster between the 2. Crying and feeling guilty I didn't railroad him on this, and proud of myself that I'm handling things and keeping to the budget. About the only silver lining I can find is that I joke to myself the warrantee on the house died with him, since so many things have either broke or quit working!!!!

I can't just lay it on him for being a packrat. Older family members kept sending their stuff up here as they downsized, an wanted items to stay in the family.

Also agree it's important not to make yourself an easy target by announcing you're a Widow. I went thru 3 months of amazing fear that after the funeral, next up would be a break-in. Altho there was no newspaper notice, his neices and nephews hang with a rough crowd. I couldn't sleep, I was terrified to leave. Fortunately it wore off because I had to finalize things and was forced to go to the post office and the fed-ex place to fax his death certificate.

You have no idea just how grateful I am you started this thread!!!!

[needy]

Thank you Lyrik for your compliment. I know the work has to be done but I am still freaking out. It was so embarrassing having strangers in the house giving me quotes and seeing how horrible stuff everything has become. I too am on the guilt rollercoaster ride. Since my husband's passing this old house appears to be coming apart at the seams. I am so nervous announcing that I am a widow but have no idea how else to approach it. I think the best thing is to be more aware and say I instead of we when speaking with people I don't know.