2 weeks and I miss her so much

[dytrdr5]

Here is my story, I meet Nicole 5.5 years ago and we started dating. We got engaged and started living together about 4 years ago, we moved to Houston and started living a much better life. Last year I was very sick and thought that I wasn't going to make it much longer, we decided to get married on January 23rd and luckily after having a tough surgery and an even tougher recovery I was healthy again.

We had saved money and decided it was time to make a home together, so we had our first home built and moved in on April 26th, 2013. We are both very active people, she ran about 18 miles a week and we mountain biked twice a week. On June 5th she went for her normal run after work, unfortunately during the run she had heart attack, she ran near the medical center which has a lot of runners and medical staff. Help got to her relatively quick and they did CPR for an hour but were unable to bring her back. I was informed by the hospital about 1 hour later after they went through her phone.

She was a really healthy individual, low blood pressure, cholesterol in the 130s and resting heart rate around 58 bpm. I still can't understand how someone so healthy suddenly passes away while doing something good at the age of 29. Our live together was just starting to take shape, we had found good jobs and started planning for our retirement.

I don't even know where to start at this point, I never expected to be lose her this soon. We did everything together, we had such a special relationship and I just miss her so much. I guess this is it for know, hopefully I can get some solid sleep tonight.

[LizzyW]

Wow- this is so terrible for you, and so unexpected. I'm truly sorry for your loss, and I know you must be reeling still. My best wishes go out to you. As for the why- that is something that you may never know. It's an unusual circumstance, especially considering her normal state of health. Peace be with you- I wish I could give you some answers to help explain it, but unfortunately, I can't. Just try to take care of yourself, and check in here as often as you can, to talk about it.

[PD1]

Dytrdy , went through your post and found it similar to my story. We also knew each other 7 years ago got engaged and married 4 years ago. And one morning suddenly life stopped. He too got a heart attack..and left me alone in this world..on 13 april 2013. Tomorrow -19th june is his birthday.miss him like hell...he would have been 33 years tomorrow...pls come here often..we are all with u as we are all sailing in the same boat.. We understand the pain within each other.. Take care.

[dytrdr5]

thank you for the replies, Tuesday was a particularly hard day since I went grocery shopping and everything in the store remininded me of her. I used to make her a breakfast to go like mix and we joked about it and called it Danny's to go mix. She would have 1/2 cup of that with a chobani yogurt and some fresh fruit for breakfast every workday. I feel like right now I am just going through the motions of my day to day life but not really here, last year I was really sick and she really helped me get through that. With the new house there are so many things to get straightened out and in order, at this time the medical examiner still hasn't given us an official COD and I am not sure wether that will help or not. I looked through her phone and found her running route and found out she was 1.5 blocks away from finishing her run.

[LizzyW]

thank you for the replies, Tuesday was a particularly hard day since I went grocery shopping and everything in the store remininded me of her. I used to make her a breakfast to go like mix and we joked about it and called it Danny's to go mix. She would have 1/2 cup of that with a chobani yogurt and some fresh fruit for breakfast every workday. I feel like right now I am just going through the motions of my day to day life but not really here, last year I was really sick and she really helped me get through that. With the new house there are so many things to get straightened out and in order, at this time the medical examiner still hasn't given us an official COD and I am not sure wether that will help or not. I looked through her phone and found her running route and found out she was 1.5 blocks away from finishing her run.

I have found that the "first" of essentially everything, without having my husband here, is rough. I was looking at movie dvd's at the store today, trying to find something uplifting to watch, and maybe put myself in a better frame of mind. I can't tell you how many movie titles literally made me feel like cringing, because they reminded me of when he was here with me. The first time I went out to eat alone was rough. I still haven't ventured out to a movie theatre alone yet.

[catz]

dytrdr5, you brought tears to my eyes with your comments about the supermarket, and my heart bleeds for you. I was the same, only i was actually crying as i wandered around the shelves. Everything reminded me of Alex, and when i think about it now i wonder just how many people like us are wandering around supermarket aisles right now, feeling totally broken and becoming more so with every step. I wonder how many times i blithely walked past someone who felt their life was ending. it took me several weeks to be able to shop without tears, and even now i still tear up at times when something reminds me of him.

At this point i veer between relative numbness, and hopeless sadness and weeping, I have to say people have been telling me that i should cry if i want to.....which is fine except that i can cry a river as the song goes but i wont EVER get Alex back...... all crying does is give me a headache, I wish i could tell you a magic formula that would make it better but i cant, and some days i cant even manage to come out from under a blanket, but we just have to hang in there.

[LizzyW]

At this point i veer between relative numbness, and hopeless sadness and weeping, I have to say people have been telling me that i should cry if i want to.....which is fine except that i can cry a river as the song goes but i wont EVER get Alex back...... all crying does is give me a headache, I wish i could tell you a magic formula that would make it better but i cant, and some days i cant even manage to come out from under a blanket, but we just have to hang in there.

I would be one of those telling you to cry if you want to. Crying actually has a chemical therapeutic effect on the body, and helps you release chemicals which help dull pain. You're right that it will never get him back, but it does serve to release some inner tension. I cried very frequently for the first 3 or 4 weeks, then it started to subside a little. I still cry easily, but not for long periods of time at a setting. To me, the main drawback was the continual stuffy nose.

[dytrdr5]

first of thank you all for the kind words and help. Tomorrow night after work I start a trip that we had planned for months with some friends of ours, we both enjoyed mountain biking and would travel to the mountains a couple times a year, the best trips were to some good downhill mountain biking resorts. This trip is to Angel Fire, New Mexico, it's absolutely beautiful out there this time of the year and it was the first destination she really had an amazing time on after learning how to mountain bike.

This will be an interesting week, I wish all of you a good 4th of July.

[OldGeek]

first of thank you all for the kind words and help. Tomorrow night after work I start a trip that we had planned for months with some friends of ours, we both enjoyed mountain biking and would travel to the mountains a couple times a year, the best trips were to some good downhill mountain biking resorts. This trip is to Angel Fire, New Mexico, it's absolutely beautiful out there this time of the year and it was the first destination she really had an amazing time on after learning how to mountain bike.

This will be an interesting week, I wish all of you a good 4th of July.

While the trip won't be the same without her, and may be painful at times, I'm hoping it will help you take another step along your journey to a less sad life. All the little steps on the journey add up, and while we may not feel any less sad today because the change is so slight, at some point we look back weeks and months and see that, while life is nowhere close to happy, it is perhaps a little less sad today. Cherish the memories, cry when you need to, and don't let anybody tell you what is right or wrong about your grief.