Too Much Pain

[lamp]

Only 15 more minutes until this horrible day ends. Today would've been Dad's 78th birthday and by a cruel twist of fate, it is also Father's Day. Tomorrow is the five-month anniversary of his death. And, we're still mourning the loss of my father-in-law whose services will be next weekend. As if these events aren't awful enough, I lost a beloved priest who was like a father to me. He died this evening on his 83rd birthday from cancer. I feel like walking in front of a truck to escape the pain. I want to scream, "Where is God????"

Earlier in the day, a lady approached me to express her condolences upon hearing of my father-in-law's passing and when she said he and my dad were no longer suffering and they were in heaven, I answered, "I hope so." She then acted like I should know they're in heaven and I should rejoice they're not in pain. Of course I don't want anyone to suffer but right now, I'm selfish enough to admit that I'd rather have them here than wherever they are right now. Rejoicing doesn't bring them back. Rejoicing doesn't erase this pain that will not go away. Rejoicing will not remove the numbness I've been feeling for months. Rejoicing will not remove the feeling that I want to fade away and die myself. I thought I had faith. Now, I'm not so sure and to hear the religious platitudes of the well-intentioned does little to soothe. I feel so empty. Again I ask, "Where is God???" What could possibly be his reason for removing three monumental figures in my life?

On top of all this is the pain of my marriage. A close friend said I'm mourning the loss of that too, as I'm contemplating separation.

Enough.

[dsmurph]

God is holding your dad and father in law, will get you through this, and will hold you one day. I understand, I have my days when I ask why did HE allow my daughter's death. HE could have stopped it. But I also knew the minute she passed, HE was holding her. She went home to be with our Daddy. I told my husband that I cannot be angry at the one who gave her to us and the one who is taking care of her now. I'm sure she is sooo loved , much more than the love she received here. You are in pain. you certainly don't have to rejoice. who can rejoice when our grief is so strong? I would probably be very upset if someone said that to me. But, I do have some peace in knowing she is being held and loved. He gave us these rainbows the day of her funeral. They did not appear until her graveside funeral began. She was being held. A passing of a loved one tears at a marriage. I have had my thoughts. But, I also know that we are the only 2 who truly knows and feels each other's pain because she was our daughter. I hope you and your husband are able to communicate and work through this. hugs