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Can't accept it


Brokenwing702

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Brokenwing702

Can't say died, death, deceased or any other word because I can't believe it's true. I get furious seeing those words in the mail. There are so many people to thank for condolences but i still cant do it or even open new cards coming in. It's only 3 weeks and I know denial is a stage but I don't think I'll ever to be able to accept the "passing" of my husband. I'm still pretending he's here at home. Since he was disabled, I took care of him and just turned on his TV so he could watch the US Open since we were avid golfers before he got sick. How can I move on when I refuse to accept it?

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You may not feel that you can accept it for now, but that doesn't mean that you won't reach that point eventually. For some of us, it takes longer than it does for others. There are no hard and fast rules which say you will progress through grieving with specific objectives and goals, in a specific time frame, or in a specific order. It's a very emotionally turbulent time. Hugs to you, and I hope you will continue to post here, and let us know how you're doing. This is probably the hardest thing we will ever go through.

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Brokenwing702

Thanks Lizzy, that's why I'm joining support groups. Only want to talk with people who have been through this in cyberspace. Too painful in person and friends try to help but I lose patience. Denial and anger at the same time? Oh, who cares, I'll do all the stages at once if I feel like it. Thanks for he hugs. Hugs back.

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Denial and anger at the same time? Oh, who cares, I'll do all the stages at once if I feel like it.

Lol- that's the spirit! What I am finding is that I move back and forth, and around in circles, and one moment to the next. ;)

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You feel what you feel. There is no timetable or schedule. Whats important is that you go through it alone unfortunately, tho others may try (and some will) help. Its still YOUR grief, and you must deal with it as you see fit. Trust me, denial stll sneaks in for me and its been going on 8 weeks since my fiances death. Its really hard for those of us who were carers to let go too, because so much of our day to day life revolved around our loved one and now, suddenly and horribly theres a void. You really do feel totally lost and adrift, i know i still do. I wish you the best for your journey thru grief...just remember, it IS possible to survive this even if right now youre probably not sure you want to, and were all heee if you need ears that can hear and hearts that understand your pain *hugs*

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It's only 3 weeks

I think that sums it up. This takes time - A LOT of time - to deal with. Allow for that.
and I know denial is a stage
Nope. IMO that's utter BS. Forget all that "stage" gibberish. Your feelings can shift in and out from one thing to another, I wouldn't get wrapped up in what "stage" you're in. Just let it be whatever it is.

I'm so sorry for your loss. tc and I hope this place can help. I suggest browsing the threads for starters.

PS I golf too but I'm lousy. :)

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Brokenwing,

Sorry to hear of your loss. Grieving takes alot of time and energy. Many books describe the stages of grieving, but trust me, they don't come in any order. You can experience one, two, all or none at any particular time, and usually without warning. You will do it at your own pace as nothing can speed it up or slow it down. It is a process, a very painful process. It would seem that the reason you don't like to see "those words" is because they bring the reality with them. You have to give yourself time and space for this process to unfold. It is not easy be we all go through it. Do you have any friends or family that could send out the thank you cards? Seek out support groups in your area that you could attend. There is no time frame given to grieve in. You will do it at your own pace. Take support from anyone you trust to give it to you.

God Bless,

Al

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Thank you cards, got to love them. I started with the ones from people I didn't know, those ones were easy. I didn't write too much in them. My sister in law wrote to the people she knew. Was it pleasant? No. Is it part of healing? I have no idea, just one of those chores that is expected. There isn't really support groups in my area and I did try counseling. The best support I have got is from this group. Welcome to the group.

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Brokenwing702

Thanks all, for all the support. Father's Day today and going to be so hard for the kids, even though they are adults. My son already posted on Facebok a picture of his dad holding him as a baby and another side-by-side holding our granddaughter. That alone was good for 2 Xanax. Yes, being a caregiver, my whole life revolved around him. Now it's too quiet, even though I don't feel like talking when the phone rings. Friends taking "us" out for Chinese Food tonight since it was his favorite. Not eating, losing weight but a Mai Tai might go well with the drugs. They want to help but I just want to sit on the porch and cry. Hugs to all of you going through this Hell. Can't imagine that it will ever get better but I know it will someday.

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Brokenwing702

Ok, I give up. This is just too much damn pain to bear. Father's Day is just too hard. I would just go to sleep now and try again tomorrow if it wasn't for the Open. Come on, Phil, do it for Papa.

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I agree Brokenwing, today sucks!!!! Hope you are able to go out and find out if Chinese reacts with Xanax!!

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I also think today has totally sucked I keep thinking there will not be anymore day like today and here I am again. I do have day that are easier then other and I'm trying to find a new normal for me but it's just hard. I will try again tomorrow and hope it will be better for all of us.

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MissingDaniel

I understand about Father's Day. I decided to avoid it completely and made plans to take my kids to a theme park for the whole weekend and try to just get wrapped up in them having fun. It worked at times, but other times I couldn't do anything but sit there and think how much fun he would have had there, and how they would have loved to ride this or that with their daddy, and then I would just cry. But I do think it helped getting away from home and being distracted. I know it was a hard day for most of us.

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Brokenwing702

So sorry to know Father's Day affected so many of us the same. Today I decided to try and take Mollie for a walk and, poor baby acted like she won the Lottery. I always prided myself on being a good mommie to the "girls-other baby too old to walk) " and don't want to neglect them and must admit, I feel a tiny bit better than yesterday. I still can't find my way out of the rabbit hole and wish there was a date when you had to vacate by, but I probably wouldn't anyway and would wind up getting a ticket and going to rabbit hole jail.. Good thing I have my shrink appt. tomorrow although what can she really do to help?

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So sorry to know Father's Day affected so many of us the same. Today I decided to try and take Mollie for a walk and, poor baby acted like she won the Lottery. I always prided myself on being a good mommie to the "girls-other baby too old to walk) " and don't want to neglect them and must admit, I feel a tiny bit better than yesterday. I still can't find my way out of the rabbit hole and wish there was a date when you had to vacate by, but I probably wouldn't anyway and would wind up getting a ticket and going to rabbit hole jail.. Good thing I have my shrink appt. tomorrow although what can she really do to help?

To the bolded: it's probably helpful to have a sounding board of someone who passes no judgement, and has your best interests at heart. I'm beginning to think that much of what we carry around, in the form of pain and grief, is a need to express our deepest selves.

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You are very right there Lizzyw, but its not surprising, because its our deepest selves that have been assaulted. This thing called death has torn at our deepest roots, at parts of ourselves that normally dont speak to our day to day lives, but which are now screaming and demanding to be heard. We ignore them at our peril.

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Brokenwing702

Yes, being at the shrink did help today. Started bawling the minute I sat down but she said there is no right and wrong as far as how I'm feeling and to do everything (or nothing) at my own pace. Actually came home and ate something. Fog is not lifting yet so I'm going back into the rabbit hole for now. Hugs to all.

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Yes, being at the shrink did help today. Started bawling the minute I sat down but she said there is no right and wrong as far as how I'm feeling and to do everything (or nothing) at my own pace. Actually came home and ate something. Fog is not lifting yet so I'm going back into the rabbit hole for now. Hugs to all.

Glad to hear it was helpful to you. Glad you were able to eat. Hang in there- it will become more okay- never good, and never acceptable fully, but it will get better with time.

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Brokenwing702

All those phone calls from agencies like SS set me back into hysterical crying spasms. Forced myself to have lunch with a good friend and now this damn phone call. Had to dig out marriage license to send in too, just as an added bonus. Even the tiny steps forward get pushed back further than ever because of the red tape you have to go through. Going to take pills and a nap on the porch.

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Yes, being at the shrink did help today. Started bawling the minute I sat down but she said there is no right and wrong as far as how I'm feeling and to do everything (or nothing) at my own pace.

I could have told you that for half the price. ;)

Honestly if she helps more power to you, but unless you're in some remote or really rural area, there should be some grief counseling services around town, some for free, I'd check into it.

PS I know it's trivial but since you mentioned it, #@$ shame about Phil at the U.S. Open. Oh well......

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Brokenwing702

Thanks Widower2, you made me smile. Yes, Phil always seems to come in second and he's the nicest guy on tour. A friend surprised me with one of those new absolutely enormous Taylor Made drivers and a lightweight bag. She is trying so hard to get me interested in the thing I loved to do most and we loved to do together before he got sick. I must admit, I keep looking at it and taking it out of the bag. Maybe it would be good therapy to just take it to the range and swing but I'm also afraid that might make me dissolve into tears (but again, everything does). Yes, a bucket of balls would be cheaper than my shrink also. I might try next week but his birthday is coming up soon and don't know if I can do anything before that but it's so pretty, one of those with the giant white heads so maybe..... anyway, thanks for the laugh and hugs to you. I'm sure you need them too.

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Give it a go Brokenwing. Whats the worst that can happen? like you said, everything makes us cry so that isnt really an issue, and even just getting out to the range, even if thats all you do, is something, and something is better than nothing, having said all that i totally understand if you want to wait a while too :)

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Brokenwing702

Thanks Catz, maybe I will. How does everyone deal with the damn DATES? The first day of summer? I just don't care. Then his birthday. How do you get by that day? The 4th of July was when we would have our barbecue in the driveway and the kids would come from out of town and our neighbor always has huge fireworks. Of course the kids wont be here because they just left. Now I just want to disappear until its over. All of a sudden, every date has new meaning and none of them good. Do dates ever become just dates again or even happy dates? WE have a new grandchild due in the fall. Will that be a happy date. We were counting it down but now......

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