faith

[M.Mata77]

I just had a question about religious faith after loosing a child. I was born and raised as a catholic. Religion has always been a big part of my life. Since my son passed away I have really been having a hard time believing what I have always accepted. I want to believe that there is something bigger than this world, but everytime I try to start to return to my faith I get angry. I was just wondering if any one else had had a similar issue in dealing with the losd of a child.

[dsmurph]

Yes, I think everything that happens in our lives are for spiritual growth, even something as painful as losing our children. You have been shown something deeper. You can either try to allow it to take you to a higher spiritual level or you can become bitter. I am in pain every day at the loss of our daughter Emily. But, HE has shown us so much since she has passed. She has shown us so much. Why did he allow this, for us to hate HIM and everything? Maybe we do for a while. For me, I look at Emily's love and recognize how she loved everyone she met. I want to be like her. I also want to help others who feel the deep pain of grief from losing a loved one. I want to have compassion. I want to take my daughter's loss and grow spiritually from it. I don't want to take her life and passing in vain. I will never look at my religious walk the same. I have become a totally different person. In my personal opinion, I cannot box myself in to one religion. I don't think religion is the answer. I think God is the answer and I choose to follow HIM for understanding. Just my reasoning since Emily's passing. Hope this helps you some. Hugs

[mbkubitz]

I'm sorry for the loss of your child. I have never been religious, and was raised in a non-religious family and would have defined myself as atheist. While I don't think I could ever make a leap of faith so wide as to adopt any specific religion or believe in God as described in the bible, koran, etc.... since my daughter died I have received signs from her showing me that she is "somewhere". These signs are little things that could be written off as "coincidences" that I am assigning meaning to, but they happen so often and only since her passing, that I cannot ignore them. I am convinced that we go somewhere after this life and am not scared of death any more.

I think every one has to come to an understanding that resonates with them. In many cases, people lose the faith they once had. In many cases, people find spirituality when they had none before. Whatever the case, no one is "right" or "wrong". They are dealing with the worst loss imaginable and need to heal on their own time and on their own terms. I wish you peace and patience on your journey.

Maria

[dsmurph]

Thank you Maria for sharing! We get signs too! They are always around us, there is more, life does go on. Hugs

[kkcs]

Losing my son has made me question my faith like never before! I have been on a mission the last year to find an answer to give us peace of mind. With the help of my Bible Study ladies and Counselor I have come to realize ( which I knew anyways) that I will probably never know the answer. God is so much bigger than we can fathom or understand. I know my son is at his real home now and His Heavenly Father is with him until we meet again. I choose to hold onto my faith, knowing thats all that will get me through. Our faith is what wins the victory over the world! Gods Grace will get me through. Never knew what that meant until now. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Its ok to be angry. I have my times too. Just dont give up on your faith. ITs what will pull you through! Praying for peace only Jesus can give

[mysonrich]

Yes, I think everything that happens in our lives are for spiritual growth, even something as painful as losing our children. You have been shown something deeper. You can either try to allow it to take you to a higher spiritual level or you can become bitter. I am in pain every day at the loss of our daughter Emily. But, HE has shown us so much since she has passed. She has shown us so much. Why did he allow this, for us to hate HIM and everything? Maybe we do for a while. For me, I look at Emily's love and recognize how she loved everyone she met. I want to be like her. I also want to help others who feel the deep pain of grief from losing a loved one. I want to have compassion. I want to take my daughter's loss and grow spiritually from it. I don't want to take her life and passing in vain. I will never look at my religious walk the same. I have become a totally different person. In my personal opinion, I cannot box myself in to one religion. I don't think religion is the answer. I think God is the answer and I choose to follow HIM for understanding. Just my reasoning since Emily's passing. Hope this helps you some. Hugs

Very well Said.

[M.Mata77]

Thank you all. You've given me some real insight and a lot to mull over.

[gambitjr]

MMatta,

When we suffer the loss of a child, everyones faith will be shaken. All of us are going through it with you.One thing that comes to mind is that we as humans believe that people, objects, things, belong to us. Do they really? People are created by God. You and I were created by God. We belong to Him. Each of us walk our own path, whether we are family or not. I like to think of it as only God can see the future, and somewhere down the road the possibility exists that something even more devastating may have happened to our loved ones. God chose to call them home. We will hopefully one day understand why. We would all like the answer to "why", but not being able to see the future, even if we got the answer, we would still not be able to understand. The pain that comes with these questions is just overwhelming. We need to blame someone. Someone has to be held accountable. We come to an understanding that "we" or our "child" cannot be responsible, and out of pure frustration, the easiest person to blame for what happened is God. After all He is in control. Therein lies the problem, we know God is in control, and when bad things happen, we want to be in control. We are not. The comfort comes as we realize that our loved ones are with God, and one day we will see them again. Until that time, we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We will get our answers one day.

God Bless,

Al

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mata, I am sorry for the loss of your 11 year old son. It is so hard to get through some days. However, the people here have helped me so much. It has given me a place to connect easily to others who are experiencing this terrible, terrible horror.

I have suffered two son losses. One was an infant (1987)and now my adult son. I have only one natural born child after this left. A daughter.

I was not raised in a religious home but came to personal faith in Jesus when I was 16. It was southern baptist in influence and I also had a year of bible college at New Tribes Bible Institute. While some of this has grounded me, some of the rigid belief system also was a detriment when it came to understanding how death really is, and how it can look, and the mysteries of it all.

I should say, that due to my religious conversion and the people I first made contact with, I think "mysticism" or "supernatural" events were strongly discouraged. What I did not understand, is that death often overlaps into our "life", sometimes a crossover period. I wished I would have known, I perhaps would have been able to do something a bit different with less regrets. Maybe having a better awareness would have helped. You will see a lot of supernatural events if you look and read read hospice care stories. I have read some of this material which is often put together from people who do the actual care of the dying (nurses, doctors, hospice care workers, etc.) A Window to Heaven is a very early book on this.

Jesse, my oldest, did have a sense he was going to pass into the afterlife. There was always some fear on my part regarding him, and I believe I had a certain knowing. This made me extremely paranoid and I always hovered over him because of it. The last six months were very odd. My son, last April told me he thought his life would not be long. There were a lot of signs and other things that happened for me to now see that Jesse was being called into the afterlife, I was fighting a useless fight. Am I angry? Yes. To know, yet not know...

I will say that my view of religious beliefs has been very altered to see that supernatural events do happen when we transition from this life to the next. There is an allowance for the mysteries of death and life, to realize that there is so much more than our mortal minds can truly comprehend about God.

I don't know if you heard of Dr. Mary Neal, but she too knew her son would die. I listened to her interview on her son's death. Here is her latest interview from Guideposts:

http://www.guidepost...heaven-and-back

I have also read a Book by Robert Wise, Crossing the Threshold of Eternity that may be of some help.

So, I look at scripture very differently now. Does it make the searing pain go away? No, not most days. It is hard journey, this one.

I see you mention being Catholic. I don't know if you know of Holy Hill Church in Wisconsin, but I had one of my sister's friends who is a nun light a candle there for Jesse in the Prayer Room. I believe it is a holy site covered with prayers from many fellow sufferers....a thought for you...

Finally I have a song that was written by Rich Mullins who was killed in a car accident in 1997. He was thrown from his vehicle on the way to a christian event and ran over by a truck. He was a major Christian recording artist that I believe had a sense of his coming end in this realm. Here is a song he wrote just about a month before he passed, he said it just came to him while he was praying. The song is called Hard to Get. Sometimes I wonder what his mother thought of his passing....

I guess I am drawn to Rich since he was so unconventional yet wrote some of the most passionate, poetic worship music to God. I could see my son visiting with him in the heavenlies.

Here are the Lyrics from Rich Mullins song:

"You who live in heaven

Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth

Who are afraid of being left by those we love

And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape

To find the faith to ask for daily bread

Did You forget about us after You had flown away

Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath

While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin

We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was

Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

When You were barely holding on

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get"

[dsmurph]

Laurie, I love Rich Mullins.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, I love Rich Mullins.

I been searching for his interviews on Youtube and listening to them. Especially his later years. He nicknamed himself "the little brother of St. Francis".

I also watched his very last "concert" which was in someone's farmhouse just days before he was killed. He understood the riches of the world mean nothing and people mean everything.

[M.Mata77]

That is a beautiful song. Thank you for that

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

That is a beautiful song. Thank you for that

You're welcome. Sometimes just finding small things like that helps in the grieving process. Peace to you...

[NeverAndAlways]

I feel so close to your problem right now...that I want to reply before I read any one else's replies. I am a cradle catholic too. I feel I was devoted to it too. I have not just questioned what I was taught...I have questioned everything! I can't take anything at face value anymore. I have to struggle with every belief now. I have to scrutinize my feelings regarding every thing I thought I believed.

I have to constantly re learn how to believe in God and how to pray because everytime I think I'm 'there'...something knocks me down again and I find myself asking 'what DO I believe? Anything?'. I've been told by many that 'God is big' and he can take my anger. And right or wrong...I gave it to him! Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I have to back down when I realize I've drifted way past 'letting God know I'm angry' and into threatening him if I could just get up there.

At times, I've thought that I became another Judas...but then I always end up coming back...and can't even always explain it. I've told him "I do not want to talk to you today", and "you're going to have to accept a bitter, hateful, spite-filled person if you want me today" and "I hate you today". I wont say I approve of all that I've thought and did and said ever since...but somehow I end up back here. Learning to pray again. Asking for the grace to love God again (or finally?).

Maybe...in loss we learn something about God other people don't know? And maybe we HAVE to relearn how to love him (and his shadow in church) after we get to know him better. I hope that means we are closer to him after. I hope I still want to be closer tomorrow...but experience tells me there are more dips before I plateau.

I'm not there. I hope sharing my mind has been helpful to you...some sundays...I hate church. Some days...I cannot pray. But not everyday anymore.

N&A

[M.Mata77]

N&A

Thank you. The way you describe this is perfect. That's exactly how I feel. Glad to know I'm not alone

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Maybe...in loss we learn something about God other people don't know?

N&A

I believe definitely yes. It is one thing to talk about and hear sermons on the resurrection of the dead and quite another to be looking my son in a coffin.

As mad as I might get, I know for me, my hope is to be there with him in the heavenlies. Otherwise I would go crazy with grief.

For me, I realize now that not much on actual death or the dying process is discussed in a church setting. Why not prepare people to meet their God in a real fashion? This includes the recognition that if we are spiritual beings, to expect supernatural occurences when we are called back home.

[dsmurph]

Well said Jessie David's Mom!