Members sadbeyondwords Posted April 24, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 24, 2008 I am desperate. I feel so alone. I am so restless at work- I still cant get anything done and deadlines are around the corner. I cant do anything at all except think about my mom and her awful ending and the things that could have been done to save her. It will be 3 mos may 5. Didnt think things could really get worse-but indeed, the hole of depression is getting deeper and deeper and darker. I am unable to cope with the slightest of things. My brother said that maybe some of my anxiety and yelling at the hospital when my mom was admitted caused them to make mistakes on my mom and to avoid taking care of her. Maybe-more guilt. I have terrible guilt. I should have been able to stop the mistakes. I know I was not thinking rationally. I realize that only now. In hindsight, there was so much I could have done to save my mom. I let her down terribly. I cant redo all the horror that occured. I have sickeneed and beyond depressed-it is easy to think about suicide. I can see why people do this-when the pain is so severe and you cant escape it-it just seems like a decent choice. The pain is too severe. I not only have to deal with the loss of my favorite person in the entire world but the guilt that I could have done so much more to prevent all the problems that occured in the hospital. It is hard enough just knowing that I will never see her again-but the pain of knowing that she could still be alive if I was not so irrational, so nervous in the hospital and made better decisions and caught the mistakes earlier. I am so angry at myself. My life is completely falling apart. I know my boss will be talking to me about my lack of progress-I'm sure I will be getting my walking papers. I dont even care. My mom is dead-what is the point of going on-working, living, anything. Oh this is so horrible. Why is this happening. Why did she have to die. she was so healthy. This is killing me. I cant pull myself together. i have spoken with a counselor but she was not helpful-so I am not goint to do that anymore. The pain is so severe-it is crushing. My mom is supposed to be alive-she was supposed to be with me for many more years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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