Guilt...

[KGJ]

I know guilt is a natural feeling when you lose someone. I’m not in anyway saying my case is special. But it is different.

A little back story...

I lost my father when I was four years old. He shot himself in our living room. I don’t remember the gun shot. I remember walking into the kitchen, seeing him lying in there, grabbing a soda and walking away. I remember in my gut it felt wrong to leave him there, but I didn’t want to get in trouble. My mother came home not long after that. My brother and I were peeking out of our bedroom door when she turned the lights on. Jesse (my brother) pulled me back into the room and said we had to stay there. My mom was screaming.

I’ve struggled with my father’s death a lot. First because I felt guilty, then because I didn’t understand, and then because I was so angry with him I could barely endure living.

In 2012 things got better. I forced my mother into rehab twice for her drinking problem (something I had been too afraid to even discuss before), I had a great job, I was starting college, there was a guy I liked who liked me back.

I had been out late with my friends the night before. I was sleeping on the couch because my room was too cold. My mother kept making all this noise and bugging me the next morning. She woke me up, forcing me to tell her I loved her before she would take my dog out to use the bathroom. So I said I love you, and got up and went into my room so I could sleep.

I woke up about three hours later. I was on the phone with my friend and my mother was nowhere in sight. I thought she’d gone to the neighbor’s to watch the football game. After I got off the phone, though, I went into the kitchen and that’s when I saw her.

At first I was angry. I thought she’d gotten drunk and passed out. She was half leaning against the wall. But...then I noticed her feet were blue. I got closer and touched her leg and it was hard and ice cold. Her lips were blue and her face was swollen.

I called 911. I did CPR. I got a ride to the hospital.

She was gone.

Later I found out that her meds had forced her into a sudden coma. After which she had been alive for another hour. I know how silly it sounds, but if I had been awake - if I hadn’t gone out the night before - if I hadn’t of gotten annoyed and went to my room then maybe...

What if she shouted for help and I didn’t hear her?

Everyone kept saying it wasn’t my fault, even when I hadn’t suggested I thought it was. My brother has done nothing but drink since. Now, though, when he’s finally getting better, he’s treated me terribly. I honestly don’t think he cares. I think he hates me and blames me for our mother’s death. We’re no longer speaking, and he doesn’t seem to care. He wants nothing to do with me. I’m 22, scared, and he’s the only family I have left. But without mom its like we don’t even know each anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. This is the kind of thing I went to my mother about. This is the kind of awful feeling she could chase away with one hug, but now what?

She’s dead, dad’s dead, and I’m alone. So now what? This guilt is killing me.

[candee]

oh Hunny

I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are scared and I want to tell you to try to be strong. I hope your brother comes round - he is probably in shock and not really blaming you. Is there anyone you can turn to - wider family or friends, to get support? I feel so guilty too and I everyone keeps saying its not my fault - but I think I should have realised that my mum was too ill to just have a stomach flu, which is what the Doctors said. If I had realised sooner then maybe they could have saved her. It doesn't matter when people say it wasn't my fault. Deep inside I feel wretched with guilt. So I sort of know how you feel. I don't know how one can get through this. I am trying to just get through one day and get to bed having looked after my daughter, done my job and the housework and looked after the dog. After that, I am not expecting anything. I am accepting that I feel as if my guts have been ripped out. I am accepting that I feel like a zombie. I just have to stay strong and get through the day and get into bed having done what is needed and if I do that, its an achievement.

I am sending you my bestest wishes KGJ and wish I could give you a hug ((hugs)).

Candee

x

[dsmurph]

KGJ, I'm so sorry for the losses you have had in your short life. How were you to know that your Mom's meds were going to put her into a coma? You couldn't know. You sound like a strong person who has had to deal with in life. Take care of yourself as much as you can, I deal with a lot of guilt from my 14 year old daughter's passing too. I cannot give you much advice in that area but, to tell you to just work through it and take care of yourself. Hugs dear one.