my little brother died

[hollyr]

I can't believe it finally happened. My brother had been in rehab at least 20 times. Drugs, alcohol, rx drugs. Since he was about 12. I had told people if something didn't change I would get a phone call saying he was dead. March 21, 2013 was that day. He was 21. My Dad called and asked if I was at home. I said yes. Then he said "brace yourself, Brandon is dead". My brother was staying with a friend whose Mom had just died of cancer. He took some of her cancer drugs for pain, as well as other rx pain medicine and alcohol. I'm kind of mad at him for putting me and my Dad through this. My Dad is 72. And now I have to live my whole life with this pain of losing my brother. I think about him in a grave and his body and it really upsets me. It just didn't have to happen. I wonder if he knew he was dying, if it hurt. I want to know he is okay. I just keep thinking to myself How is this possible? Seeing his body...I can't forget. I don't know what to say or do. Nothing can fix this. He should have been on suboxon but my mother (we are estranged) made it so difficult. She wouldn't support him financially, put a lien on his car (what kind of mother does that?) I feel like if she had paid for his dr visits and such that he wouldn't be in this position. At the time he died, both he and my dad were homeless. I sent money to my dad but he gave it back. I offered for them to stay here but they didn't. I feel so much guilt. My brother spent so much of this year in a psych ward for being suicidal. I just don't know how to deal with this since nothing will fix it.

[dsmurph]

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother and the pain that you are going through and will continue to go through. Your brother's spirit has gone on to another part of his life. I know you are in pain. For me , it helped me to understand where my daughter is now. I know the physical body that we buried is not her anymore. But, I still have days when I relive the day we buried her and her small body. I have read a lot about afterlife since Emily left this life. A good author is Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She wrote several books. But one of them was called Life, death, and after life. Betty J. Eadie is also a good Author. Hugs

[Ajack317]

I recently lost my brother to drugs he was 22 this May a few weeks ago. Don't worry he wasn't in pain I struggle with that too. He felt nothing and drifted away stopped breathing.. My brother was on suboxon and was off for over two years and doing great and screwed up and overdosed within two weeks of starting drugs again ( heroin) i didn't even know he was using. Please know that if he could have been clean for years and screwed up its a horrible disease. You can sit there and do the "what ifs."But at the end of the day it won' t bring him back and all your doing is torturing your self. I try to stop myself from doing that and I feel I have a million questions I wanted to ask him... I am sure you do too. When people use they didn't think about anybody or anything just the uncontrollable urge to use. Our brothers are in a better place where there is no more battles, scars, and pain. I hope you find peace it is the beginning of a long journey for it...

[gambitjr]

Sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. One thing you need to keep in mind is that "he" made the decision to do what he did. It doesn't make the grief any easier, but we like to fool ourselves into thinking that there was something we didn't do that would have turned this nightmare around. From everything I have read, heroin is the most devastating drug to be addicted to. The real monkey wrench is after detoxing, the psychological torment begins. If a person gives in to the "just one more time", and they use their old level of use, they stand a very good chance of an overdose. The only thing an addict hears is the drug calling their names, and we always think that something will help them turn the corner. The decision to continue using is theirs. The decision to stop is theirs. The decision to relapse is theirs, and when something terrible happens, we like to blame ourselves for it. A therapist once told me, "You give yourself an awful lot of power in that persons life, don't you". Kind of made sense to me.

Hope it helps the pain a little,

God Bless,

Al

[hollyr]

I also live in penn....I'm sorry about your daughter. Thank you all for words. They are good reminders. I'll be on this site alot.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. One thing you need to keep in mind is that "he" made the decision to do what he did. It doesn't make the grief any easier, but we like to fool ourselves into thinking that there was something we didn't do that would have turned this nightmare around. From everything I have read, heroin is the most devastating drug to be addicted to. The real monkey wrench is after detoxing, the psychological torment begins. If a person gives in to the "just one more time", and they use their old level of use, they stand a very good chance of an overdose. The only thing an addict hears is the drug calling their names, and we always think that something will help them turn the corner. The decision to continue using is theirs. The decision to stop is theirs. The decision to relapse is theirs, and when something terrible happens, we like to blame ourselves for it. A therapist once told me, "You give yourself an awful lot of power in that persons life, don't you". Kind of made sense to me.

Hope it helps the pain a little,

God Bless,

Al