Wound Reopened

[lamp]

My father-in-law died today, less than 5 months after Dad died. The only blessing I see is that they both died peacefully. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this death and grief. My husband is stoic, as expected, so I'm grieving for 2. I'm trying not to judge, but I want to be there for him although he hasn't been there for me. I feel like the scab that's started to form over my heart has been ripped off and it's January 17 all over again.

[stillfighting431]

I’m so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I can only imagine what you must be going thru. My mom’s 2^nd year anniversary is coming up & my dad isn’t much help either. It’s not that he’s suddenly worse off than before but he hasn’t got my back like he used to. I feel that my life is spiraling out of control once more & I feel so alone.

Were you close to your father-in-law? I know your husband is hurting too but some people don’t like talking about their pain. They’re in denial as & they don’t want to face the loss yet. Hang in there. You’ll get thru this too. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you.

[gambitjr]

Lamp,

Sorry to hear of your father-in-law and your dad. Men in general like to internalize emotions, as society still teaches that a man must be strong. Don't let the appearance fool you, your husband is probably denying to himself that the pain exists. It does and it is very real. He may also be in denial and/or numb to the situation. Everyone goes through the grieving process at their own pace, and you will find that you and your husband will be at different stages it at different times. He needs to let it out, as you do. Keeping it inside only makes the pain worse. I am, lets just say north of 50 years old, and when I really think of losing my daughter, I cry like a baby. It hurts, it is very painful. We will all go through it. Maybe a couple of visits to a therapist may do him some good, as he can talk about his feelings behind closed doors with someone he doesn't have a vested interest in.

God Bless.

Al

[lamp]

Stillfighting,

In a lot of ways, my father-in-law was a better father figure to me than my own dad. I didn't reconcile w/Dad until about 6 months before he died, so when I just got him back, I lost him. My father-in-law wasn't perfect, but he was an upright individual who cared about us, although he didn't outwardly show it. My husband comes from a family that doesn't show too much emotion. He will be missed.

[gambitjr]

Lamp,

I really feel sad for your husband. Trying to keep the emotions bottled up can destroy someone. Pain is pain, and we need to let it out. Internalizing it is the same as turning it on himself. Letting the pain out in what ever form is comfortable and sometimes not so comfortable, goes along way in healing. If you feel like crying, yelling, screaming, then just do it. Let it out. By doing that he will find out that it releases the pain little by little. It is unpleasant, but we all go through it. There is no time frame on grief, though we rally wish there was, and there is no order in which it comes. Maybe suggest he might want to see a therapist, where he can share his emotions behind closed doors. It is very difficult for a man to do this, as society views it as a sign of weakness. We know that it isn't.

Hope this helps,

God Bless,

Al

[KGJ]

As a person who took the stoic path (January 17, oddly enough) I can tell you that he is grieving. But some people grieve inwardly while others grieve openly. And it may feel like he hasn't been there for you, and for all I know he hasn't. But maybe, just maybe this stoic reaction is his way of trying to be strong for you? Maybe he's holding it in because he knows you're hurting too.

I can't tell you how awful I feel for you having to go through this, but the last thing you are is alone. As others have said, we're here. Say what you need to, get it all out. And we'll listen.

With Care -- Kaycie

[stillfighting431]

Lamp,

I'm glad you got the chance to patch things up with your dad.That should bring some closure.Your father-in-law sounds like a wonderful person & his memory will live on in the hearts of those whose lives he touched.

My dad doesn't like showing emotion either just like your husband.I think that's why he has to depend on anti depressants to keep himself together.I used to resent that he wouldn't talk about mom with me but now I've made my peace with it. My grandpa, dad's father was an stoic ex-military man & so it's no wonder that dad learnt to deal with pain from him.

I hope you feel better.