Lost younger sister to suicide

[novainthesky]

I lost my beloved sister one week ago to suicide. She had been struggling with her mental health for the last 8-9 years of her 26 year short life. Though not all of these 8 years were bad. She had years where she didn't have to be put in the hospital a single time. During the summer of 2012 she got a boyfriend and he was also left behind by the suicide. Previously she only had short loose romantic relationships.

She also had one previous attempt a couple of months ago so this did not come out of the blue. My parents and I knew there was a dark cloud there, even though she wouldn't speak to me about her issues much and whenever I went to visit her she seemed reasonably fine (the last months she had been living at my parents house), maybe slightly quite on occasions. She would only let our mother visit her whenever she was in the hospital, so the only persons she would talk to about her issues was her psychiatrist and our mother and I am not even sure she told them everything. (I have a good guess but I don't think it is a good idea to be speculating about it in this thread)

I had just gotten back home from trip to participate in a funeral of my fiancés grandmother, a 99 year old woman and in pretty bad condition, so nothing 'extra' sad about that. Got a text from my mother asking if we were back, I replied and then my mother informed us by text that they were coming over and had something to tell us. Immediately I started worrying that it was my sister that had finally given up. I pretty much knew it already and when they came over half an hour later they confirmed what I feared. I burst out into tears, and I just couldn't stop crying.

I skipped work monday and tuesday and got back to work on wednesday(yesterday) and managed to work 5 hours and same amount of time today. I kind of like working because you are forced to stop thinking about it for a few hours. Probably will work 4-5 hours tomorrow(friday) also. I haven't really cried since sunday, however I have been very sad at times. I have been spending every evening this week so far at my parents, they asked me and my fiancée to be there. I imagine they have tougher time than me, maybe, I don't know.

Right now it just feels unreal. I have buried all my grandparents and my two pets (one hit by car), getting over it reasonably quickly. However didn't feel the same extreme pain on those occasions as I did this last sunday.

Now I am not even sure I know what grieving is.

Fact that I stumble upon when searching for site like this.

1 million suicides / year

Suicide is one of the most common cause of death for people between 15-44 years of age.

[ModKonnie]

^{Novainthesky, I am very sorry about the loss of your sister. Suicide is very difficult, at best, to understand and process through. There are many people here who have experienced similar losses. They may be able to offer you support and encouragement and guidance as you process through this. Grieving can be a mixture of sadness, confusion, fear, anxiety, anger, turmoil and every other emotion you can think of. It is all okay, and there is no "right" way to grieve. We will be here for you. ModKonnie}

[novainthesky]

Thank you for your concern and reply Konnie.

[dsmurph]

If you don't grieve now, you will eventually. No matter how much you keep yourself busy, it will come out in different ways. We all grieve differently. I'm so sorry for your sister. Sometimes I think some people's spirits just cannot handle this world. There is a good author named Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She has several books. One that I really liked is Life, Death and Afterlife. I think that is the name of it. Your parents may like this too. I am a parent and lost my daughter to suicide. This is a painful and lonely walk. Hugs