Time marches on without him

[Sammijo2424]

As time marches on without my dear husband, I sit here not being able to believe almost 4 months have passsed without my love. I just try to survive the days and oh, how the nights are hard. I try to enjoy time with my kids and grand babies and thankfully with my best friend who I talk to at least once a day, sometimes for hours, I make myself get up out of bed every day and many times go back and lay in bed all day trying to escape the world. I still have difficulty going out as I think everyone is looking at me, feeling sorry for me, we live in a small town and everyone knew my husband. Crazy, I know, everyone has their own lives and not worried about me. Even going to church and sitting on back row is sometimes just too difficult for me to handle, and i try and leave before anyone can ask me how i am doing. Duh, how am i suppose to answer that, i am just surviving, no one really wants to know, they just want me to say, Oh, i am doing ok, and i really want to scream...i am doing horrible, cant hardly get out of bed, but in all actuality, no one really cares.

My brothers and sisters never call to check on me, why should it be any different now, we seldom talked before so why change now, sometimes I feel so alone in this big old world, my husband and I did not need other people, we were all we needed, oh how I wish we would have included other people in our life. How can this world keep turning without him, I feel guilty for not crying all the time, not thinking of him every second, though not too many minutes pass without thinking of him. In a few weeks my kids, grand babies and I are going to beach, something we did every summer for about last 5 years, not sure how I will handle it, but I am usually at peace at the ocean, just looking out at the vastness of it. I try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I just don't know, for today it is just to survive and keep living somehow, many times I have thought of taking my life, but then I think of my children, and how unfair that would be to them. I have read many of the Survivors of Suicide posts and those posts are a big part of why I am still here, seeing all the pain the suicide has caused and I just cannot do that to my kids.

Guess I just wanted to ramble a little and put these feelings out there. Hope everyone is doing as good as can be.

[gambitjr]

Sammi,

So sorry to hear of your loss. I think you are selling people short. Some people do really care about you, but you will never know that if you keep pushing them away. When you push them away, they may not ask again, and then come the feelings that no one cares. You are not moving along alone, your husband is always with you. Do you really think death can separate us from love? You don't realize it yet, but going to the beach with your family is probably the best thing you could do for yourself. You will feel the pain we all feel, but you will also have to refocus on the task at hand. The grandchild that wants to play, jump in the water, build something in the sand. These people need you, they care about you, and they want you to care about them. Glad to hear that suicide is not an option, as that really wouldn't solve anything, and the complete mess you would make of your children and grandchildren's lives...oh we don't want to go there. We take each day, one breath at a time, one inch, one thought, whatever we can bare to go through each day. You are completely normal, and feeling normal feelings. But as much as you feel the grief, you need to allow yourself to experience the "good" in your life. The feeling of warm sand between your toes, the breeze on your face, and the hug of an innocent grandchild who needs their grandma.

Just something to think about,

God Bless,

Al

[LizzyW]

My brothers and sisters never call to check on me, why should it be any different now, we seldom talked before so why change now, sometimes I feel so alone in this big old world, my husband and I did not need other people, we were all we needed, oh how I wish we would have included other people in our life. How can this world keep turning without him, I feel guilty for not crying all the time, not thinking of him every second, though not too many minutes pass without thinking of him.

Guess I just wanted to ramble a little and put these feelings out there. Hope everyone is doing as good as can be.

Oh honey- please don't feel guilty for not crying all the time and not thinking of him every second. If he loved you, and I would imagine he loved you dearly, he would not want to see you suffering continuously. He would want you to be happy and going on with life until you see him again.

[MaryArlene]

Sammi Jo,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just about 7 months ago. For me, it seems that every new season, holiday, brings the feeling of loss just like it was yesterday.

I totally get how when you had your husband that he was all you needed. I found the same thing but, at least for me, I understand for my own survival that I need to reach out to friends and reform the circle of friends that we had. In the beginning I was without words when people asked how I was doing. In my head, I was screaming, I'm doing awful! Don't you understand that? But now, I think I'm at a point where I want to be among happy people, to embrace life. It's funny, some people ask me if I would mind if they shared a funny memory of James. I actually love hearing stories about him and for me, it brings him to life.

On the subject of going through customs, things you used to do together, I have found, that sure, it is difficult, I feel his spirit all around me. But after riding through the wave of sadness, I just remember how much joy we had in that particular spot, how much he loved being with all of our nieces and nephews and it brings me some sort of solace.

For church, I also had a rough go for a while. I actually felt like I was going to pass out, several times. I even ran to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. But again, I found, that by embracing those feelings, riding out the storm, that I've once again enjoy church.

It is good that you do have close friends that you can confide in, they have been, and continue to be my lifeline. I guess long story short, there are people around that love you and care. People do understand the depth of your sadness and they will be supportive during your mourning process.

Peace be with you.

Mary

[Sammijo2424]

The other day when I posted this was a very bad day. Each day is a new experience for me. I went to daughter's house on Wednesday to keep her kids Wed night and then littlest one on Thurs. had such a good time just being with them. Wed night i told the kids stories of Pop and then they had a contest on who could guess questions about Pop, amazes me on how much they know. I brought in a Payday candy bar and oldest boy said " me and Pop use to eat Paydays". I smiled. My youngest, who is almost 2 wanted to see phone to look at pic of Pop, he kissed his picture and we looked thru pics of him and I. We had so many good, good times, some bad too, but much, much more good. I think anyone who is together with a person 22 years is gonna have some bad times. Anyway, I was able to remember and smile and laugh. I carry him everywhere with me in my heart. My friend told me last night she was so proud of me, how I could talk about memories of him and laugh. I miss him always, I love him forever, but today I can remember and be glad for all the times, good and bad we had together

[LizzyW]

The other day when I posted this was a very bad day. Each day is a new experience for me. I went to daughter's house on Wednesday to keep her kids Wed night and then littlest one on Thurs. had such a good time just being with them. Wed night i told the kids stories of Pop and then they had a contest on who could guess questions about Pop, amazes me on how much they know. I brought in a Payday candy bar and oldest boy said " me and Pop use to eat Paydays". I smiled. My youngest, who is almost 2 wanted to see phone to look at pic of Pop, he kissed his picture and we looked thru pics of him and I. We had so many good, good times, some bad too, but much, much more good. I think anyone who is together with a person 22 years is gonna have some bad times. Anyway, I was able to remember and smile and laugh. I carry him everywhere with me in my heart. My friend told me last night she was so proud of me, how I could talk about memories of him and laugh. I miss him always, I love him forever, but today I can remember and be glad for all the times, good and bad we had together

That sounds to me like progress.

[MissingDaniel]

So glad you are having a better day, SammiJo. It amazes me how different I can feel from one day to the next. I will go several days and feel pretty level, and function reasonably well, and then the next day just fall apart. Today is a fall apart day.

My 11 year old daughter came to me last night after she was supposed to be in bed, and told me she couldn't go to sleep because she was too sad and she was missing her daddy. I told her that was ok, that I missed him too, but she needed to do what she could to go to sleep. I told her to try to focus on a happy memory about daddy, and she looked at me with a puzzled expression. She was so sad she couldn't seem to comprehend that there could be anything happy to think about. But then I reminded her of some fun things they had done in just the last few months, and she smiled and said she knew exactly what she wanted to think about. She went to sleep shortly after. I will be glad when I am more able to focus on the happy memories and less on the loss, but I don't know when that will come.

I'm going to the animal shelter tomorrow to get me big ol' cuddle kitty. I think it will be good for me and for the girls, and I'm saving a life, too