When extended family support stops

[needy]

My family has stopped calling and my husband's out of town brother and sister has stopped calling. My in sister in law in town says she will help but then always comes out with an excuse. Tomorrow I am going to the cemetery to pick out the spot where my husband's cremated remains will be laid to rest. I will be buying a double spot one for me as well. Words can't express how overwhelmed I am feeling.

[LizzyW]

I found that for the most part, my family stopped calling regularly after a week, and they still send a text every few days to check and make sure I'm doing okay. Several friends at work will text me weekly to say hi, and see if I need anything. My son, who is 34, has been my best support system, but I also get alot of support at work, on the days I am there.

This is, no doubt, very overwhelming, and one of the most difficult things we will deal with in our lifetimes.

My son was here to visit for awhile this morning, and we got to having a discussion about losing someone who is so very important to you. It dawned on me, that in ANY close and loving relationship, whether it be parent/child, or husband/wife, one of those two individuals is going to experience this type of loss, and will have to suffer through it. When I think about it, I can't say that I would wish it were me who died first, and left my husband behind. It would have devastated him, and just that fact is what makes me willing to bear it. One of us had to die first. It just happened to be him. I mourn his loss with every fiber of my being. I want him back here with me, but if I had to choose between him going through this, or me going through this, I would want him to be spared. He was such a lovely man, and he doesn't deserve the pain, and he would say the same of me. I just keep listening to music that he loved, and looking at the few old photos of him that are here, and I painted a pastel chalk portrain of him the week after he died. I want to feel this thoroughly, and incorporate it into my very soul. He was that important, and I honor him with all I have to give right now.

[pwrightt]

HI Needy: I understand fully. My spouse passed away on May 11th and his family called that day and the next. Since they live back East and could not come to a memorial they sent there best and I have never heard from them since. NOT ONE. I think they may feel guilty. He was so sick for the last couple of years and the last year was the worse with his Alzheimer's and they knew I needed help but no one offered. When he was well they called and visited all the time. He even loaned money to one. In time of need they are missing in action. Just know Needy tomorrow you will be in my prayers and I wish you all the strength.

[MissingDaniel]

Pwright, that breaks my heart for you. I too have seen a lessening of the calls offering support and help, but certainly not that quickly. After a little more than a month, I am not surprised. But I can reach out for help of I need it. I would encourage all of you to continue to do that. And if you don't have a good support network, try to find a group. Do not suffer in silence - we all need to reach out at this most difficult time. And Needy, I wish you strength and comfort as you make these decisions. None of us would wish this experience on anyone else - we have lost a part of ourselves. That doesn't just heal and get better. God bless us all.....

[pwrightt]

Needy: just a note to say I am thinking about you today. I know what you are doing today is overwhelming but remember. We are here to support you. Please tell us how the day went and did you find a nice spot for the both of you.

[needy]

Made to the grave yard bright and early. Thank god for the down to earth grave yard attendants. He made me smile. He introduced me to my husband and my forever neighbors. I swore any second he was going to say "hi my name is Larry and this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl". My sister-in-law never made it like she said she was going to. Then back home to pick up my youngest son to bring him to his first football game. The couch wanted them there 2 hours before the game started. Sat in the car saying to myself "its ok you can do this you have sat through many games without John". Then I went and sat in the bleachers. A heard a guy behind him he was reading the program and heard him say my son's name and also announce that he lost his father. Glad I had on my sun glasses and I hope no one noticed I was crying. My sister-in-law and her family said they would come to the game but they didn't show. I don't know why this bothers me, they never came to a game before. I am so glad parents I knew showed up and sat with me and even my son's old couches came. To make a long story short, my youngest son never has lost a game lost his first game. My oldest son who never played for a team that has won, won their first game and their father wasn't there. They say family is important, which I believe is true. When I was young my father moved us far from my Aunts and Uncles so I didn't see them much. To see other family have Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents out cheering on the players is hard. My kids never had that and I guess will never will.

[needy]

Pwright I am so sorry, guess we are in very similar situations regarding family and I have no clue what to do about it. I am very thankful I have all of you. I am praying we can get through all of this.

[IMISSTAO]

I am sorry that the calls have stopped. That stinks when the support peters out. I hope you have found a group or are still seeing a therapist. That will help with some of the frustration. For me, it helps to vent about it to my counselor.

My Father in Law doesn't call me anymore or write unless he wants something, usually unrelated to Tao's death. Talking to him is a burden. He was never terribly interested in his grandchildren, and he still isn't. It irritates me, and I am actually thankful he doesn't call me. My sister still calls, but she always did even before, so it isn't new or unusual, but we don't talk about it as much unless I bring it up. My friends still call to go do stuff, and I am thankful for that. I would not leave the house otherwise, so it is good they plan stuff to do.

I still want to spend a lot of time lying in bed. I think about Tao a lot, and even though I am no longer crying, I know I am depressed because I just don't want to do ANYTHING. And though I do stuff and get stuff done, if no one called and prodded me, it wouldn't happen. I usually make plans but I haven't at all. I did take my kids to a movie on Friday, but that doesn't count because I did it because I just didn't feel like interacting, just sitting and escaping.

[needy]

I keep telling myself "these people didn't call, visit before so why should it change now". My own father hasn't seen his grandchildren in 5 years and didn't come to the funeral, I am really trying to be forgiving. Today is the first day in three weeks I haven't cried (yet). I did call the support group. Next meeting is sometime in June and it is regarding Mindfulness. I have read about this, but I have no clue what it is? IMISSTAO you have a hard time getting out of bed, I can't seem to stay in bed. I have taken up "wall staring" again. Hmm maybe I am mediating and I have don't know it. My sister-in-law called yesterday apologizing. She was there when I really needed her so I am trying to be forgiving. Therapist left a message for me to call her. I will call her tomorrow and book an appointment. Really hate to miss work and pay for a visit but I have to do something. IMISSTAO I am glad your friends are getting you out. Hopefully soon I can out with friends again, I do like that.

[IMISSTAO]

I hope you can go out with friends soon. Sometimes it helps to try and plan something fun and silly, like bowling, where there's an activity to do but no pressure.

I believe Mindfulness is the state of being aware of what you are doing 'in the moment' and not thinking about the past or the future. There is a Buddhist proverb that, translated, says: "There are only two days of the year in which you can do absolutely nothing: Yesterday and Tomorrow." It is to remind you that you can only live in the day you have and affect the moments you are in, and if you focus on those, you will be happier. I believe that is what mindfulness would be about, but since I didn't see the syllabus, I am not sure. It is hard to live 'in the moment' so to speak. I try to think of this while I am lying in bed and hope it gets me more motivated, but some moments I just want to miss Tao and my 'former life'.

My friends and I ride horses, so they are always calling to ride with me because everyone, I mean EVERYONE, loves my mare and wants their horses to ride with her because she is, well, amazing - smart, tough, FAST and doesn't ever do stupid stuff . So we get called to go ride a lot, especially by my friends with 'green' horses because my mare is a good example. At first I felt weird about going out, but now I see it is good for me and my mare, so I go, but I never plan on what to do. But if I didn't ride, I would hear it from my mare. She likes to work and loves to ride, so it helps. I find the 'go to' activity plan helps - if I see someone's # on the phone, I know they are calling about riding. At very first I didn't go, but when I realized it made me feel better, for the most part, I went. My mare notices when I am not paying attention and she reminds me to focus - usually she bends her head to give me a look and then gives me a little head toss as if to say, "Get in the game, Captain!" Since we moved I have had to put her in pasture board which makes it harder for me to go riding if I am not motivated. Many times my mare would motivate me if I wasn't thinking I was going to ride. She would be at the fence to nudge me and say, "Let's go!" Now if I don't get a call there's no nudges (her pasture board is about 10 minutes from me now). So I am thankful my friends call to ride. Mostly we all talk about horses, so I don't have to listen to their problems or about their husbands. The no drama or husband talk is nice. We may talk about horse drama, but that is not so terrible.

I guess my advice to me and to you about the absent grandfather is to feel sorry for him. Really, he's missing out on something special and amazing - his awesome grandkids. My kids never even ask about him or seem to care what he is doing, and that is his own making. With my son, it is almost too late for him to even start trying, so I feel badly for him for forgetting what matters.

[widower2]

I keep telling myself "these people didn't call, visit before so why should it change now". My own father hasn't seen his grandchildren in 5 years and didn't come to the funeral, I am really trying to be forgiving.

You're better than me then. In a few cases with people, I have not and have no interest in trying. For me that would be like letting them "get away" with something which I have no intention of doing.

Really hate to miss work and pay for a visit but I have to do something.

Unless you're in a remote area, you shouldn't have to pay; there should be various support groups which charge little to nothing.

Best to you - it does get easier, but it is very gradual and takes time -

[needy]

I have only found one support group that maybe gets together once a month. It doesn't sound like a typical support group to me they always have guest speakers and best of all it is held at the funeral home. All other counseling places charge a fee. Since I am not seeing a physiologist my benefits don't cover it but my husband's work has offered to pay half the fee. I am lucky the therapist I am seeing is the best in town. I have a hard time putting myself first and I really have to work on that. I thought I could handle all of this but I was wrong. My mood/emotions is affecting my kids and my co-workers and I have to find the strength to stop it.

[widower2]

Well on the other hand, I would hope they have the strength (and/or wisdom) to appreciate what you're going through and either help you with it, if they can, or if nothing else be patient while you work your way through it (esp your co-workers). Again it's gradual and takes a LOT of time - it won't happen in a few weeks or months. It's nice that you're trying to think of them, but they should be doing the same. Family is different of course; you should help each other with it as you're able. But it's different for everyone.

[needy]

My coworkers have been wonderful, it is just when I am in a "mood" I know I affecting them. Two weeks ago there was a switch around and now have a new boss. Word was she can be very difficult to work with but I haven't found that problem. As far as family not sure what to do with them. Made an appointment with the counselor on Monday. Having less grief spasms but they still attack me with no warning.

[needy]

Hade my appointment yesterday. The therapist did say something that kind of slapped me in the face. I don't even want to repeat it. Not sure why she did it, maybe to make me face up to things. To help me with my "grief spasms" and my procrastination she suggested I do one task a day and set time to grieve at night. This morning have to say I am still pissed at her comment but I do realize why she said it. I think I was expecting a session that was more suited to "poor" me not the way it turned out. So this "buttercup" is going to suck it up and get back to my list of things that need to be done.

[LizzyW]

. This morning have to say I am still pissed at her comment but I do realize why she said it. I think I was expecting a session that was more suited to "poor" me not the way it turned out. So this "buttercup" is going to suck it up and get back to my list of things that need to be done.

Lol- I can understand your being pissed about it, but otoh, her comment motivated you in a positive direction. This doesn't have to be an either/or thing. It can be both. We can grieve, but still live and participate in life around us. I'm glad that you have decided to get back to your list. There's something therapeutic in accomplishing tasks. I have decided to do a remodel of our/my bedroom, and I'm thinking I'll use a Japanese decor theme. I want it to be tranquil.

[needy]

Good for you Lizzy. Our/my bedroom was a huge trigger. Finally bought new bedding and changed a few things and I it helps. I have the month of July off work so I am planning on doing some painting and some other things. Off course can't figure out what colour to paint but hopefully it will come to me. I read one book called Widow to Widow and they suggested switching things around the house make it your own and lord knows my house needs to be painted. I need to change my kitchen from wow look to that yellow to hello earth tones. And yes my purple hallway has to go "bye bye" .

[LizzyW]

Good for you Lizzy. Our/my bedroom was a huge trigger. Finally bought new bedding and changed a few things and I it helps. I have the month of July off work so I am planning on doing some painting and some other things. Off course can't figure out what colour to paint but hopefully it will come to me. I read one book called Widow to Widow and they suggested switching things around the house make it your own and lord knows my house needs to be painted. I need to change my kitchen from wow look to that yellow to hello earth tones. And yes my purple hallway has to go "bye bye" .

Lol- if I had a purple hallway, it would have to go too. Have fun with your redo- I have a few things I want to do to my house too.