New to group

[mary deloria]

My name is Mary deloria and I am new to this group. As of December 26,2012 I lost the love of my life.My life mate Tom Collins.We were in all sense of the word married.we have been together 18 years and on July 1,2012 it would have been 19.He was 69 years,5 moths and 18 days old His birthday was July 7,1943.It has been the hardest almost 5 months of my life.

Marty

[PD1]

Hi mary, sorry for your loss.. U r at the right place. U will feel that u are not alone in this world who is suffering pain... Feel free to post and share all which is in your heart and feel free.

[LizzyW]

Yes, Mary, it is most definitely one of the hardest things to deal with- so sorry for your loss. Mine is still relatively new, so I am just now coming back down to reality after the shock, but I am finding that I cry spontaneously with each little reminder. Is there anything in specific you have been doing in order to cope with your loss more effectively? I find that keeping my husband highly visible to me, via music and photos has been good for helping me integrate this change into my everyday life.

[linda80601]

This is my first time reaching out for help after losing my husband and I am so lost that I am desperate for help,please I need some help and feel so lonely and lost

[PD1]

Hi linda.. Sorry for your loss. Pls feel free to share your feelings here..and just keep one thing in mind that " u r not alone" just read the posts on this website posted by our friends here and u will feel we all are sailing in same boat.

[gambitjr]

Mary,

Sorry for your loss. Losing anyone we love is very difficult and hard to accept. I always seems that when things are going good, they don't last. Death has been and always will be the most difficult thing we will face. The separation and loss are terrible feelings. Grieving is our only response to it. You miss him and wonder why he was taken from you when he meant so much to you. It's unfair. We have all felt this way, but you have to let it out. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you feel like yelling, then yell. Don't keep your emotions all bottled up. Some like to write their feelings and thoughts down in a journal. Whatever helps you deal with the loss, by all means do it.

Everyone in these forums has experienced a loss. This is a good place to let your feelings be known. It is also a good place to learn you are not alone. A lot of us are right there with you, fumbling down this road we never wanted to travel. Reading others posts will let you know what others are going through, and how they deal with it.

Hope this helps a little.

God Bless,

Al

[linda80601]

I just logged back on to this site and I am hoping to find some help from this feeling of loss, thank you for listening to me. I know that there are other people feeling the loss of someone as much as I am so I can only say I will be there for anyone else and hope that together we can all feel a little understanding that we all need.May God bless you all and my heart goes out to all.

[linda80601]

I woke up this morning with the same thought, how can this world go on without my husband? He was gone when I woke up one morning and the coroner wouldn't leave him here with me that is so unfair after being together for 30 years, I do understand why he couldn't stay here but I do miss him so much.I feel like this struggle to go on just isn't worth it, but I don't want my grandchildren to feel the pain of losing me like I feel the pain of loss I am a crossroads as what to do.The struggle is do I let go and join him or do I live with this pain.

[LizzyW]

I woke up this morning with the same thought, how can this world go on without my husband? He was gone when I woke up one morning and the coroner wouldn't leave him here with me that is so unfair after being together for 30 years, I do understand why he couldn't stay here but I do miss him so much.I feel like this struggle to go on just isn't worth it, but I don't want my grandchildren to feel the pain of losing me like I feel the pain of loss I am a crossroads as what to do.The struggle is do I let go and join him or do I live with this pain.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to go on. I really do. That being said, if for no other reason, hang in there for your grandchildren, and for the other people here who love you. It really isn't a matter of fairness. There is no fairness in life, death, and grieving. My personal method for dealing with it is to put myself into grieving wholly. Consciously let the pain envelope me. Go through it, and not try to fight it. It's a natural response to a painful situation, so experience it fully. Cry until you can't cry any more. Hurt until you can't hurt any more deeply. Once you accept that this is real, and it's very painful, and that you CAN do it, you will have faced the worst it can be. Start taking small steps toward living in the here and now. Plant something. write in a journal, cook something for someone. It will be like you are living in two worlds at first, but I believe you will find that they will meet, and you can function in both. We will never forget the love that we had for our lost ones, but it doesn't mean that we can't give our love to others as well. Other people need us.

[PD1]

Lizzy. Read ur post.. So wonderfull... Full of positiveness... Felt like reading some book on counselling....u have some power to change people's thought...great... Felt really good within after going through this post. Thanks.

[LizzyW]

Lizzy. Read ur post.. So wonderfull... Full of positiveness... Felt like reading some book on counselling....u have some power to change people's thought...great... Felt really good within after going through this post. Thanks.

Thank you PD1, for the kind words. I am in the same situation as all of you, and I just wanted to express my approach. The first couple of weeks were a complete shock, at which point I started coming to grips with what has happened. I know from personal experience in losing my son back in 1995, that fighting the pain and sorrow only seems to make it grow stronger. I have been to the point, years ago, that I did not want to live anymore. I wanted to just give up and die. There were other people who loved and needed me, and I realized that my death would cause for them, the same pain I was in. I could not purposefully do that to someone that I love.

When my dad died, a couple of years ago, I was so worried about how my mom would do. They had been married for 54 years, and had a very good, strong marriage. She had never lived alone, as I have never lived alone until now. I remember telling her to cry as much as she needed to, until the tears would flow no more. I started going to visit her every other Thursday to spend time with her, and make sure she is doing okay. She has done wonderfully, and she stays involved in her church activities. She still cries from time to time, but she has managed to go on with her life in a healthy way, and we have a wonderful time together. We laugh, and we talk about the important things in life, and we cry every once in awhile. We talk about my dad, and what a wonderful man he was, and how we miss him, but we still go shopping, and out to eat, and we have a wonderful time together. She has become my best friend, and it was facilitated by a tragic loss. We CAN pick up the pieces after a catastrophic loss and continue to live, while we also honor those who have gone on before us.

[linda80601]

I really appreciate you all for listening to me and giving me a lot of positive things to think about, now if I can get my head on straight and not give in to the negative and try to stay positive,Thank you all again

[LizzyW]

I really appreciate you all for listening to me and giving me a lot of positive things to think about, now if I can get my head on straight and not give in to the negative and try to stay positive,Thank you all again

Don't worry about staying positive. Just let yourself be both. Have your good moments and your bad moments, and appreciate them for what they are, which is a natural response to what you are going through. I can be laughing one moment, then crying the next. When I am at work, if the tears start flowing, I just excuse myself to a private area, and let myself cry a little. There is no timetable for grieving. What I find is that every day gets a little better overall. It's when you get stuck in the negative, and let it become what defines you, that there are things you need to address. Being overly positive is denial, and being overly negative is hyperfocusing. Try to find some balance, and realize that you CAN eventually incorporate this loss into your life, and live with it.

[pwrightt]

First welcome Mary and Linda to the forum. I am also pretty new. I lost my husband 18 days ago so my feelings are still very raw. This forum has been a life saver for me. I know the roller coaster feelings are extremely hard to deal with but like LizzyW stated "Have your good moments and your bad moments, and appreciate them for what they are" On my bad moments I come to this forum and just write how I am feeling. It has always made me feel better knowing I am not alone.

[MissingDaniel]

LizzyW, I truly appreciate the thoughts you have expressed here. The suggestion that you allow yourself to feel your grief fully, and not try to limit or control it, it one that I believe I am struggling with. Because my children seem to be very sensitive to my ups and downs, and try to stay in control around them. But sometimes I think I extend that control even to times I am alone, and end up supressing the sadness and grief instead of letting it out. I am going to work on that.

I have found so many good suggestions and comforting thoughts here. Thanks to all for sharing.

[decharmed]

My name is Debbie I lost my husband 16 days ago ,we've been together for 39 yrs.For way over 1/2 my life ,I dont know how to go on without him

[MissingDaniel]

So sorry for your loss, Decharmed. That is a very long time to be with someone - I know this is so difficult for you. I wish you comfort. Know that you are not alone.

[LizzyW]

The suggestion that you allow yourself to feel your grief fully, and not try to limit or control it, it one that I believe I am struggling with. Because my children seem to be very sensitive to my ups and downs, and try to stay in control around them. But sometimes I think I extend that control even to times I am alone, and end up supressing the sadness and grief instead of letting it out. I am going to work on that.

That is the reason that when I start to cry at work, which is so far, two or three times a day, I just walk off and allow myself a little time. Trying to always be strong, and keep a stiff upper lip is hard to do. It doesn't allow for natural responses. With my first major loss (my son), I tried to be the "strong" woman who could handle it, and take it in stride. On the surface, it looked like I was doing okay, but because I suppressed my grief, it all stayed bottled up, and years after, I had a major depressive episode. I learned, over the course of years, that I need to express my real feelings, and not try to appear strong for the sake of others. I learned to grieve more effectively through the process of dealing with my depression. I started journaling and writing poetry- sad sad poetry. I started listening to music which reminded me of my loss and of my son. I actively participated in the process of being seriously depressed, and eventually managed to come out on the other side. I don't have any recommendations for books on grieving, but I do recommend reading some of the books by Thomas Moore and James Hillman- particularly Moore's "Care of the Soul". It's a book about dealing with sadness and depression, and encourages participation in the sadness, rather than trying to fight it. It was when I finally learned how to be fully sad, scared, angry, and depressed, that I stopped living in fear of it. Once you no longer fear it, it's liberating. I don't mean to give an impression that things like this will no longer bother you, as the recent death of my husband has been devastating, but I am not trying to fight it. I plan to participate in it until it is essentially a part of my soul and my psyche, and at that point, I will be able to live peacefully with it.

[LizzyW]

My name is Debbie I lost my husband 16 days ago ,we've been together for 39 yrs.For way over 1/2 my life ,I dont know how to go on without him

Welcome Debbie. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is hard to know how you can go on. It's hard to imagine that you can do it at all. Just take one day at a time, and try taking little steps here and there toward moving forward, while keeping a firm foot in the loving relationship that you had for so many years. This is not an either/or situation. It is a "both" situation. Please feel free to express your thoughts, feelings, or pain anytime. We are all here for each other.

[Countryfairy1206]

Hello my name is Michaela and I lost my Life-partner Dennis on April 10th of this year and I am currently in a real dark spot. I can't sleep a night through without waking up numerous time. I feel lost, restless, and just thinking about his passing makes me cry. My life is crushed, broken like a glass in thousand pieces, I can't think straight and have a hard time concentrating. Usually I am a social person and all I want to do right now is withdraw and be alone, knowing that is maybe not the right thing to do. But this is how I feel.

[gambitjr]

Michaela,

Sorry to hear of your loss. What you are doing to yourself is not a good idea. Just sealing yourself from real life will only lead to depression. You need to grieve. You need to let yourself feel the emotions. It is going to hurt, and it will hurt really bad. We have all been there. Not being able to sleep at night might require you to contact your doctor. He can help you. Grieving is a process, there is no one thing that will happen that will make everything better. It is a painful process. Grief counseling may be a good place to start. You cannot do this on your own. Take it in bits and pieces. Allow yourself to feel the emotions for short times, and then move away from it. Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop the feelings. There is no rhyme or reason as to when they come and go, we just hold on and take the ride. Seek out help anywhere and with anyone you can find it.

Hope this helps,

God Bless,

Al

[LizzyW]

I am currently in a real dark spot. I can't sleep a night through without waking up numerous time. I feel lost, restless, and just thinking about his passing makes me cry. My life is crushed, broken like a glass in thousand pieces, I can't think straight and have a hard time concentrating. Usually I am a social person and all I want to do right now is withdraw and be alone, knowing that is maybe not the right thing to do. But this is how I feel.

I can understand wanting to be alone, and initially, that is exactly how i felt. I still do, to a certain extent, but I am gradually going out more. I work two days a week, which gives me some socialization, and helps keep me focused for those two days. Your stress hormones may be all out of balance, as extreme emotional stress can do that. It's probably one of the reasons you aren't sleeping well, and awakening multiple times. The difficulty concentrating is relatively normal with a serious loss. For me, spending a good deal of time alone is good, but I also need to spend time with others, so I try to balance it out. Even when I don't want to see someone else, I force myself to do so. It's like living in two different worlds right now. All the emotions and pain that we are feeling right now are normal, but imo, it's important to also make an effort to keep a foot in the real-time world too. I'm really sorry that you're having this problem, and we all are. Take care of yourself, and if you need to, go see a doctor about the sleeplessness. It's very hard on you, when you are already stressed to the max.

[linda80601]

We all have been in the place where you are,I still am but knowing all these wonderful people has helped me.I still grieve all the time but with their help I am slowing seeing am not alone. I had a chance to join my husband in the last few days which is what I thought I wanted. But I could not bring that grief on my other family members so I am still here because of you all. Thank You All

[LizzyW]

We all have been in the place where you are,I still am but knowing all these wonderful people has helped me.I still grieve all the time but with their help I am slowing seeing am not alone. I had a chance to join my husband in the last few days which is what I thought I wanted. But I could not bring that grief on my other family members so I am still here because of you all. Thank You All

I am so glad you are still here.

[needy]

Linda thank you!!