Members Lostwithoutmum Posted May 19, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 Since mum have passed, I have been feeling like every previously happy occasion is a stab in the heart.I am not talking only about mum-related occasions but even birthdays of loved ones, etc. I know mum would love me to remain caring and loving and no-one more than her would want me to be OK, but it is simply not possible to get emotionally involved, or high spirited about anything at all.It's so unfair how life changes overnight...how once an occasion to look forward to is now a reminder of the absence of the most important person in my life.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissuDad Posted May 19, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 The day after my dad passed away, it was the birthday of one of my best friends. She lives 40 minutes (driving) away from where I live and she understood if I hadn´t gone there. Even so, I thought I should go anyway, nobody was expecting me to be in a great mood and she wasn´t also, but as hard as it was, I tried to pull it together to sing her happy birthday and then we went outside of the house to speak a bit about what happened... I think for a while we won´t be able to fully enjoy the small pleasures of life, we might have small glimpses of things we used to enjoy and new things we will start to enjoy, but I believe we need time and most of all we must be a bit selfish and try and do several things we enjoy..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lostwithoutmum Posted May 20, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hi MissuDad and thank you for the reply. I hope you are coping yourself.I find some special occasions so hard. We have not had the heart to sit at the same dinner table since mum has passed, it's painful to see her chair empty....But these 'firsts' without mum's physical presence hurt so deeply...I want to show appreciation for some people in my life but at the same time I have no energy or ability to fake smiles and interest.'Firsts' hurt, but so will seconds and new occasions: marriage, graduation etc etcI suppose there's no hiding from the pain,whatever I am doing. I just have to learn to live with it.In the past pain was 'worrying' about someone having cold, worrying about passing exams, missing someone who lives away...it was temporary...Now pain's permanent. It's incurable and so it's not easy to bear! It's just part of me and it's weighing me down..x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissuDad Posted May 20, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hi Lostwithoutmum, you´re welcome. I really understand what you mean. I´ve been lacking energy for almost everything, I used to go 5 times a week to the gym and now if I go 2, it´s a miracle... I think we have to take baby steps and take our time. i want to believe that better days will come, today I had na awful day, panic attack at work, some cold reactions from people, but I still want to believe that with time, i´ll get there and you probably want too. If you have to go to any party, as you´re mom won´t be able to be there, write her a letter after saying how it went, it might help you in some way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SuzyBird Posted May 21, 2013 Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Getting through the first year was a big relief for me after I lost my mother. I had been her caregiver and the grief was/is an overwhelming and inconsistant process. I wasn't able to go on job interviews for that 1st year because I dreaded being asked what I had been doing the past few years and having to explain why I moved back to this state and why I hadn't been "working."After my mom past, older people told me that after they lost a parent, that some days grief can just come out of no where and knock you to your knees. It happens to me all the time. It's never when I expect it though. The month leading up to the first Christmas without her or the month leading up to her birthday was actually way more stressful to me then the actual day. Once I get the event, such as the family Christmas party, it is so distracting that I do okay. Sometimes, in the middle of the fun, I will stop and think, "mom would of loved this." Not to ruin anyones good time, I blink it away and distract myself somehow.Today is the 2 year anniversary. It is hard to realize but I am certainly better then last year....I think. I recently starting having some stomach problems and man, did I have myself convinced that I must be dying of cancer too. After crying in my doctors office on repeated visits she explained to me that I had in fact been through a lot and that she believed the health issues I had been having were due to stress. She suggested anxiety medication. I was shocked! I have always been the strong one, the tough girl and am always discribed as being laid back. I said "I don't have anxiety." ...through my stress filled tears! Then I realized that her diagnosas of anxiety had given me anxiety! Over the next month I started paying more attention to my body. I went on a job interview and it felt like my heart was beating harder then it ever had...and my stomach was cruel whenever things started getting to me. I tried the pill and it has helped. I think just being aware of how the grief and stress is effecting me physically has helped as well. I am less likely to continue holding things in (hence, I signed up for this website, didn't I?).I guess right now, at this point, I am just surprised that losing her has resulted in me being so different. I used to be able to handle anything. Now I think I need to accept that I am going to be crying in public sometimes, I am not super woman and eventually, I hope to accept that I don't have to always pretend everything is perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lostwithoutmum Posted May 21, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hi Suzi, thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience - so sorry for your loss.I agree, grief is far from a neat process..I, too, find my emotions during the times leading up to the once-special dates, more intense and very consuming.Sometimes you know what your needs are more than anyone else, just do whatever it takes to be well: take it easy, cry, scream, just whatever your body needs you to do....It is so hard to accept. I just sat in my room this evening crying: my work week is coming to halt. Just months ago, I would be out shopping, chilling out, making mum smile, treating her to something, and now I am trying to touch these memories and feel them with all my heart...My happiness will never be complete, I have to accept that. I have to accept that that rich shade of happiness has greyed out and the exciting life of full joy has gone when mum has - but I know deep down that our mums want us to be happy...I know my mum is the one who feels for me the most..I miss her so inexpressibly xxYou are not alone..I know my whole life has changed too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lostwithoutmum Posted June 6, 2013 Author Members Report Share Posted June 6, 2013 It's been especially hard today, having been out and seen people enjoy the summer..and the company of their loved ones.It is the yearning - missing those ordinary conversations with mum, missing her hug, the sense of family she created...When mum was around, I had motive for every thing, lots of hope, I laughed from my heart, got upset over what seems now as silly things...all those moments I just took for granted ....But also I feel lonely in trying to re-think and accept death as part of my life, I have to 'normalise' it because mum has passed away..death is part of my life..a significant part too...I have to think of after-life and it is something I never thought about before as mum is the first close person I lose....And in doing so, I can't completely connect to others because they will not understand the place I am in right now. And yet, I can't distance myself totally from others....When I am out, I want to rush back to my quiet corner and think of mum, and when I am off, I get consumed and suffocated by endless unanswerable questions that I want to go out and distract myself ...One minute I am laughing and joking - and the next I am crying....I have not been able to go the shopping centre mum and I loved going to before, although I know it is silly but it just does not feel right...Many things don't feel right, I keep replaying her words in my head, her voice is as warm as ever....I don't know why I am writing this, but I suppose I needed to vent x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissuDad Posted June 7, 2013 Members Report Share Posted June 7, 2013 Lostwithoutmum, I found myself struggling with all the same things you do. Sometimes if I laugh, I feel guilty, I even feel bad when I think of another problem that should be less important than this... We must cling to hope and wait that time will make it easier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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