Its only been one week and I'm lost

[pwrightt]

I'm so glad I found this forum. It has been exactly one week since my husband has passed and I'm lost. One day I can talk about it the next day I'm crying like a baby. How do you survive the first month. Even though he was very sick with end stage renal disease and alzheimer's it hurts so bad.

Tonight is the worse since I'm sitting alone in our house. I think I am going back to work on Monday just to keep my mind occupied. I hope I don't

regret that decision. It just hurts my husband and best friend of 35 years is gone.

[MissingDaniel]

Bless you! My heart goes out to you! I have just passed the 1 month mark and I am still struggling. Have you gotten through the funeral and all the initial arrangements? That part for me is already a bit of a blur. It was just over a week when I went back to work and I don't really think I was ready, but everyone is different. You do what feels right for you.

I would suggest being around friends and family as much as possible and talk as much as you need to. That's all I wanted to do at first. Again, what works for you. I know it must feel very hard and very raw right now. Just take in all the love that comes your way right now and know that time will make it somewhat better. This is the time you just have to get through. Positive thoughts and hopes that you find a way to cope right now with the pain. Blessings!

[pwrightt]

I have gotten though the initial arrangements but that's about all. Its all just overwhelming. There are so many things that need to be taken care of that I just feel lost. Everyone needs forms, signatures, this, that, who knows what. I still think I have to make time to pick him up from dialyses and then bring him home, cook, and feed him. He was 100% dependent on me. The day he died I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the next. Was I suppose to go shopping? Feed the pets? Act normal? I'm a pretty strong person and have been for so long I just cannot believe I'm having this hard of a time coping.

[Austykatie]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. With time things will slow down and not get better but maybe a little easier to cope with! This is a great place to come to for support! I am usually on here at all hours of the day since I don't sleep much anymore! For now the only advice I can give you is to slow down and take a deep breath! Cry if you need to, sleep if you need to and reach out for help if you need it! Hugs

[Caremal]

I'm so glad I found this forum. It has been exactly one week since my husband has passed and I'm lost. One day I can talk about it the next day I'm crying like a baby. How do you survive the first month. Even though he was very sick with end stage renal disease and alzheimer's it hurts so bad.

Tonight is the worse since I'm sitting alone in our house. I think I am going back to work on Monday just to keep my mind occupied. I hope I don't

regret that decision. It just hurts my husband and best friend of 35 years is gone.

I can say this to you -- time will help the pain to ease yet it will never stop. That seams to be the rule from what I experienced. I lost my husband just a little over a year ago we were together for 32 years. Mine as yours was sick for al ong time and I will never regret helping him in all that I could. Most of the time it was good part of the time I could have killed him. However I loved him more then anything I could have imagined. The pain I experienced was so strong I did not know how I could go on. I honor him by going on with my life. Someday you will look back on the pain and know how that your love for him is strong enough and his love for you is strong enough for you to go on as well.

I suggest a couple things read the forums go back and read many of them pages and pages – they were helpful to me. I also often spend time in the chat room in the evening I live in the USA and we have a good group there. I also attend a support group my local hospice has one and I have gone to a few others as well.

Getting back to work for you will be hard and yet it will be GOOD to be busy and to be with people. Often nights are difficult for many and that is when I am busy working or on line talking with others as I live alone.

Hang in there I send you and all others who need a hug a real BIG HUG.

[needy]

My deepest sympathy pwright. It has been 10 weeks since my husband passed away from sudden death, the causes are still unknown. You are not a baby you are grieving and grieving is work. You might feel like you are going a little crazy, let me tell you are not. I have done a bit of counseling, lots of reading on grieving and of course joining this site. Don't worry that one day you can talk about the next day you can't that is normal. I returned to work a week and half after my husband's passing. The first few days were hard the brain was foggy. I probably shouldn't have done it since I really wasn't alert enough to drive. But I had to support my kids and I. Now I am grateful to be back to work it keeps me busy. All the paperwork is overwhelming. I am still going through it. In a book I recorded every form etc I filled out because I knew I wouldn't remember. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[pwrightt]

Thank you for all the words of encouragement. Right now there are so many things to think about but its like I can't think. Between being a caretaker for the last 2 years and having a full time high stress job I thought I was pretty strong. Was I ever wrong. This has really hit me hard. I'm just lost right now.

[Silvergirl61]

I am sorry for your loss, and glad you came here. i hope it helps you, as much as it helps me.

[needy]

Pwright do you have any support? I found family was great but the people that really helped me the most were old girl friends. They at least would sit with me and be able to talk about other things. The brain fog is normal and very frustrating. I would write down a list what I had to do the next day. One day I found my list of things to do in the freezer. I have no idea how it got there?? That is when I bought a journal book to keep track of what I need to do and what I have done. Everything does not need to be done in one day. People will tell you to take care of yourself. At first I had no idea what this meant?? Eating and drinking I even found difficult to remember to do, but you do have to do it. They recommend exercise. Exercise?? At first my neck and back were so sore from the stress and the thought of exercise I didn't want anything to do with it. If your strong enough it does help. I walk and also go to the YMCA. After the first time going to the gym my neck felt so much better. After so many years of putting my family first it is still hard trying to do something for myself, but I will keep on trying.

[His Sweetie]

I'm truly sorry for your loss, pwrightt. It's been a little over a month since I lost the love of my life, and I still feel lost. Right now I can't see it being any other way, but I do agree (based on the loss of my son 33 years ago) that in time, you do find ways to deal with the pain, and it won't always be so...I guess for lack of a better word, raw. I remember for a long time, I could not visit the cemetery where my child was buried without becoming absolutely hysterical, so for years, I ALWAYS went alone. One day an immediate family member made the comment that it must not have had too much of an impact on me, because I NEVER went to the cemetery. I unloaded on her with everything in me...and no one ever said anything that stupid again. It does take time, maybe a lot of time....but we will deal with it in our own way, and on our own terms. I can't believe I can even write the words, as I have cried most of the night, haven't even closed my eyes. But I know I will deal with it in some way, because there is no other option. I have a son who was left quadriplegic after a car accident 4 years ago, and there is no one else who would take on the responsibility for his care. So, I wait...how long, I don't know....but I feel like being here is helping in some way. I have always been considered "STRONG" by everyone who knows me, but it's only because I have to grieve in private...this gives me an outlet to write what I could never say....hope it helps you as well. Take care...

[pwrightt]

I do have family and friends however everyone is so busy with there life's they really don't understand why I just can't move on. Also there is a group counseling tomorrow and I will go. Its the lost feeling that I can't seem to overcome. Being a caretaker for years and working full time kept me so busy. I'm on empty right now. I know with time I will feel better and that is giving me hope.

[MissingDaniel]

His Sweetie and pwrightt - I agree it does help to have support of family and friends. But I must say that I have found at this stage - just over a month - I have to reach out more and more to get that support. I think that many believe that after this amount of time, you should be somewhat over it - which if you are going through it seems ridiculous. But I find myself more and more just dwelling on things alone, until it builds up to the point that I have to call a friend to get me through that moment. I was sick yesterday, and my children were off doing their own thing. So I lay in my bed almost all day - the one I shared with Daniel for so many years - and really let my grief and depression get the best of me. I am going to try very hard not to do that again. Both of you have very recent losses like mine, and I hope you find good ways of coping with the lonliness and sense of being lost. It really can overwhelm you sometimes! I ordered a book off of Amazon that several have recommended to me about coping with sudden loss, and am looking forward to receiving it. We'll see how that goes....

[needy]

MissingDaniel is the book you ordered called "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye, surviving, coping & healing after the sudden death of a loved one"? If it is, it is a good one. I also ordered Widow to Widow and How to Go on living When Someone You love Dies. I would recommend Widow to Widow but I will warn you the author doesn't beat around the bush she just comes out and says stuff the other one I didn't like. I also agree with your statement on getting support from family and friends you have to reach a out a little more. I too have slipped a little with the depression going to try to work on that, I too have to find a support group. I have lots of appointments this week dealing with my husband's estate and final burial. I know I am going to have to find the strength from somewhere. Glad pwright you are going to a support group let us know how it goes.

[MissingDaniel]

Yes, Needy, that is the one. I have been to counseling once, but haven't found a support group yet. But I am especially looking for something that will help me deal with the sudden loss. I know loss is never easy, but I never in a million years expected to be a widow. It's just not something that I ever even considered. I have learned so much about being prepared for everything, and about making the most of every day with your family. I have beat myself up so much about the fact that I literally did not say goodbye when my husband left, because we had been arguing. I would give anything to change that, but I can't. I can only change how I behave in my other relationships. It's a hard lesson. Good luck in all of your appointments this week, and in finding a group. I need to do the same.

[IMISSTAO]

The first weeks are blurry for me and I still go through a lot of the grief stages on a daily basis, even denial. I am 10 weeks into the process, so I can only say you have to keep finding support. Call neighbors and friends for help when you can. Sometimes people want to help but are not sure what to do. Don't feel badly about being specific, like asking for help cleaning the house or a meal for Saturday. I found reading helps, but also writing. I wrote Tao a long letter and have been recording my memories of him for the kids. It's therapeutic for me and it helps.

Therapy has been helpful as well. I hope you find a good group.

[LizzyW]

I'm so glad I found this forum. It has been exactly one week since my husband has passed and I'm lost. One day I can talk about it the next day I'm crying like a baby. How do you survive the first month. Even though he was very sick with end stage renal disease and alzheimer's it hurts so bad.

Tonight is the worse since I'm sitting alone in our house. I think I am going back to work on Monday just to keep my mind occupied. I hope I don't

regret that decision. It just hurts my husband and best friend of 35 years is gone.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It's been a little over three weeks for me, and I am still reeling, but it's starting to settle down a little. Getting used to being alone is what I find so unsettling. I have never lived alone in my life. I am just trying to keep busy, although that's the last thing I want to do. What I really want is to withdraw into a shell, and cry.

[pwrightt]

LizzyW you said it perfectly. I would love to crawl into a shell and just cry. I thought I had found a support group but its next week. I went to the book store yesterday and purchased some books to read at night. I read one sentence and lost interest. I just really need to snap myself out of this but the smallest thing can make me cry. I never thought loneliness could hurt like this.

[LizzyW]

LizzyW you said it perfectly. I would love to crawl into a shell and just cry. I thought I had found a support group but its next week. I went to the book store yesterday and purchased some books to read at night. I read one sentence and lost interest. I just really need to snap myself out of this but the smallest thing can make me cry. I never thought loneliness could hurt like this.

I don't know that we really can snap out of it- we may just have to let it run its course, and try to live in two worlds for now. That is how it feels for me- like I live in two worlds. One world where I go to work, go run errands and do the shopping, wash the clothes and water the garden. The other world is a very private place where I mourn uninterrupted, and my many memories, both good and bad, play like a sentimental motion picture in my head, and I laugh and I cry. I am trying to consciously "shoulder in" to the pain as much as I can, because I know that if I don't thoroughly experience this loss, it will come back to me later, and I don't want to try and act like I'm not dying on the inside. I know that life goes on, but life will never be the same. I just hope that eventually, I can adjust and adapt to a new life.

[pwrightt]

Well today has been a bad day. I was driving to the store and just started to cry. We used to go horseback riding on Memorial Week-end for years and years. It was some of the best times ever. I just cannot describe how lost I am.

[needy]

Been there!! Kind of scary isn't it? Day after my husband's passing I was driving back home from buying the kids suits for the funeral in my daze I didn't notice I was speeding. I got pulled over and totally lost it on the police officer. Didn't get a ticket but still can't believe I did that. Driving can be dangerous when your grieving. Music can be such a trigger but having it quite is hard as well. I have tried books on tape it helped and I also make sure I have a box of Kleenex and water near me. You are in my thoughts.

[pwrightt]

Well I went to my first support group meeting. I was shocked to see at least 20 people there. One thing for sure grief does not have a time frame. I saw others who's spouses had passed away over 3 years and there grief was still so raw When it was my turn to speak about my husband I just broke down and cried. I couldn't even get the words out however on the 2nd attempt I did OK. The group helped a lot. I did not realize I was still holding so much in. Also this is the 1st time I will be alone for a week since his death. My daughter has gone out of town. Last night was the worse ever. Grief is gut wrenching hard. But the loneliness was almost unbearable

[LizzyW]

When it was my turn to speak about my husband I just broke down and cried. I couldn't even get the words out however on the 2nd attempt I did OK. The group helped a lot. I did not realize I was still holding so much in. Also this is the 1st time I will be alone for a week since his death. My daughter has gone out of town. Last night was the worse ever. Grief is gut wrenching hard. But the loneliness was almost unbearable

I'm glad to hear that you are going to a support group. It's hard to speak of your pain in front of people that you don't know. Kudos.

As for the loneliness, yes, it's very difficult to adjust to. You can do it. I know that you can. Make your room a cozy little nest and a sanctuary, where you can retreat to, and completely be yourself. If you enjoy reading, create a reading nook beside your bed. Put a nice lamp there, and place a journal that you can write down your thoughts. Keep a dream diary. Doing these things will help you glimpse into your subconscious, and make it a part of your person. Learn how to love yourself as your husband loved you. There is nothing to fear in being alone. It is lonely, but it isn't scary.

[DebB]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly early Sunday morning. He was 48. We have two small girls ages 7 and 8. He also had two adult children. Right now we are surviving minute to minute. But last night my 7 year old said, " We made it through one day we can make it through a week." Such wisdom from a scared little girl. Paul could not have been a more supportive husband, we had so much fun with out family. He was a wonderful father. I have friends who wish their husbands were more engaged with their kids. We lived for this family. Right now there are so many people around .. I was just so tired and want everyone to stop coming.. but when they did we were suddenly feeling the emptiness and loneliness. If you have any suggestions for getting me and my children through this week I would appreciate it.

[MissingDaniel]

DebB, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband's death was sudden as well, and those first few days and weeks can seem like you are in a trance just trying to adjust to the reality of what has happened. Bless you and your girls! Mine are 7 and 11, and I found that the 7 year old didn't really seem to understand what was happening. Her emotions seemed very much tied to mine and her sister's, and she would get upset usually when we did. Your little one sounds very wise - perhaps beyond her years

The best advice I can give you is to accept help wherever you can get it, and to do whatever you have to to keep yourself going so that you can also be there for your girls. Whatever helps you, that's what you should do. No one will be able to tell you what that is, because it will be different for you. But you will get through it, even though at times it may feel like you can't. I know for me it helped me to talk. Quiet and sleep were my enemies, and I reached out to my friends and family with phone calls if no one was there to talk to to avoid having to sit and think too much. Do what works for you.

I wish you strength in this very difficult time, and comfort for all of you. You can get through this - minute to minute will eventually become hour to hour and day to day.

[LizzyW]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly early Sunday morning. He was 48. We have two small girls ages 7 and 8. He also had two adult children. Right now we are surviving minute to minute. But last night my 7 year old said, " We made it through one day we can make it through a week." Such wisdom from a scared little girl. Paul could not have been a more supportive husband, we had so much fun with out family. He was a wonderful father. I have friends who wish their husbands were more engaged with their kids. We lived for this family. Right now there are so many people around .. I was just so tired and want everyone to stop coming.. but when they did we were suddenly feeling the emptiness and loneliness. If you have any suggestions for getting me and my children through this week I would appreciate it.

Deb- I'm so sorry to hear this. I was there 6 weeks ago. It's frightening, and it's exhausting. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this and also keep your girls from feeling the pain of it all. I remember wanting to be alone, and left to hibernate, but that was just my own way, and I no longer have children at the house to take care of. I wish I could say something that would make it go away, but I can't. All I can do is wish you peace and comfort in these trying days. If you need to, move into the same room with the girls. Maybe it will provide comfort for all of you in this time of change, until life regains some semblance of normalcy. My prayers are with you and your family. ((hugs))

[catz]

Im not even sure how i got thru the first week after my fiance passed....but i did and its now been almost 7 weeks. Just putting one foot in front of the other i guess, but no one can say its anything but horrific. Just remember that youre not alone, even tho you might feel that way. This forum is proof of that, and we all know what youre going thru and know how much it hurts. Just my ten cents worth tho, id hold off on going back to work. Its easy to say youll do it just to have something to distract you, but the fact is that grief has a way of sneaking up and jumping you when you least expect it, and the added stresses of working, even in a job you may love, is just the thing to trigger a meltdown. However, if you really think you can cope, then you have my admiration. I was my fiances carer, so im at this time unemployed, and i cant even bring myself to LOOK at finding a job.....its too hard just yet for me.

[DebB]

Thanks for the advice. Today was his birthday . We decided to celebrate it. We released balloons we each had written a message on. Had a cookout and cake with 49 individual candles on . We took lots of pictures to add to the photo boards and videos we prepared for his services. Last night we wrote letters. I did and so did the girls. My youngest was worrying me because she didn't want anyone to know and didn't want to talk or see pictures of him. But last night she opened up and really participated in writing the letter. Tomorrow they will see him and I tried to prepare them as much as possible. My husband was loved by so many and we were warned there could be an extremely large crowd for Friday night and Sat. Makes me proud to have been the wife of such an amazing man.

[Caremal]

Deb hang in there it will be a hard time and over the days it will be easier. come back here often and read the posts and join the chat when you can. sending you a hug.

[pwrightt]

Deb I am so sorry for your loss. When I started this post I was in the position you are feeling now. I literally had to ask someone how do I walk, do I feed the animals, do I smile, do I go to the store like a normal human being, or do I fall apart. Is this the most horrific week of your life, yes? Saying all of that, it is now 34 days since my husband has passed and yes it has been a roller coaster of a ride. Now 34 days later I am beginning to feel like I will survive. However whenever I feel down I come to this forum and vent. The good thing is everyone here has been though this and understands. So remember, you are amongst friends. Understanding friends. Friends who can relate to exactly what you are going though. I cannot tell you how to get though this, you will find your own path. I do however wish you strength and peace. My heart goes out to you.