I miss him, miss the other half of me

[Sammijo2424]

I am finding it so hard saying me or I instead of the we and our that I have used the last 22 years. I find myself saying itmore and I hate it. My husband and I went everywhere together, Did all together, he was my life my love. I just miss him so, so much. Tuesday will be our 20th anniversary. I cannot believe he will not be here to celebrate. We were going to be on a cruise, it was such a big deal to him. We were both married before and divorced and he so wanted that 20 year mark. On Monday I went to see a new doctor and had to fill out new patient paperwork, I had to mark widowed, oh how I hate that word. I am still married, I just can't see or feel him. Some days I can't pull myself out of bed and I am just so tired. I try to have at least one thing to do each day, still volunteering at food pantry and seeing counselor. He even told me he would do and grief support group if I could get enough interest. So that is my next project.

I am so, so lonely, I so need the other half of the WE. My husband has now been gone 3 1/2 months and lately seems that so many things I had forgotten have been flooding thru my mind, so...have decided to write the story of our lives together so I don't forget and our children will have it when I am gone, cause we really have had such a beautiful love story. I remember a few weeks before he died he looked up at me in bed and said "do you really know how very much I love you" and I said yes, I really do, because he not only told me but showed his love for me everyday, I remember he told me every time I cooked a meal how good it was and thank you.

I don't know why I am rambling so but to say I am tired, I am sad, lonely and I am sick that I am now saying me, I, mine, I am only half a person but I am struggling thru trying to survive

[needy]

Just in the last week or so I too have noticed I am saying "I" instead of we. I can't believe I am doing that. Funny thing is my husband when we first got married use to say "I" a lot and I would correct him. Over the years he would still say "I" just to tick me off. A few weeks ago I thought I was doing so much better but I have rebounded. I really need to see a counselor I know I should make time for it but other commitments are preventing it. Still working on putting myself first. I bought some more bereavement books I thought they might help. I have read "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye" pretty good I can't say anything really stood out about it. Widow to Widow I found more helpful. It covers so much what we are going through. There a few chapters in particular that stood out for me. The Angry Widow and Surviving Guilt really stood out for me. My husband always said "we have to count our blessings". Unfortunately I can't right now. I think it is wonderful you are writing the story of your lives. I have shared a few stories with the kids, but I think writing it all down is a great idea. At the beginning of the grieving cycle we talked a lot about my husband, lately I have noticed the kids don't want to talk about it. I totally understand feeling like a half person. I use to think my husband didn't do too much around the house, boy was I wrong. I totally miss everything, even his bad annoying habits. Wish I had more encouraging words for you. Happy Anniversary and may wonderful memories fill and warm and lift your spirit.

[dsmurph]

I know this is so hard for you. I think it is a wonderful thing to do, write your love story. You are doing it for your children but it will also be therapeutic for you. A good friend once suggested having a journal, everytime I have a fond memory of my Emily, write it down. I'm sorry you have to do your journey with out your loved one. Life just doesn't seem fair. But, we get up every day and try to do. That is all we can do. Hugs

[HeyJude]

I can so totally relate to your post. My husband has been gone for 5 months now. I am still crying, still missing him with my entire being. We were married 32 yrs. Being with someone for that long, you become one. I do feel like half of me is gone and lately I've been wishing I would go to because I just can't imagine going on alone.

My husband had a heart/kidney transplant in 2003. Going through something of that magnitude really makes you closer. My whole life was all about my husband. I miss him so much. I swear it feels like my heart is bleeding.

[Sammijo2424]

Each day I have to push and push myself to do ANYTHING and some days I just cannot force my self to do it. There are so many things to be done around here, I am having my backyard totally redone and I can't figure out what to do with all the stuff out there, I can't haul it off. I have a swimming pool that is black, I tried getting it going but did not work and now I just don't know what to do, I am so lost without husband, we figured out all that together. Cleaning is a major undertaking? My kids are all coming for memorial weekend, I am leaving tomorrow and bringing back one daughter and grand kids. They are all expecting to swim but I just don't know what to do.

[needy]

Sammijo I can totally understand. For a long time I have wanted to move. We live outside the city. The kids go to school in the city and I work in the city. The driving back and forth takes up so much of my time. Right after my husband's passing I thought I would get the house on the market and make the big move. Life would be easier living in the city. But I know there is no way I am going to have this place ready this year. The triggers in this house have been hard to deal with. Very slowly (because that is the only way I can move) I have been changing stuff. I think it is helping, especially with the kids they like the change. It is really hard thing to do and makes me very emotional. You have a black pool, I have a overgrown lawn!! My son said he would cut the lawn but hasn't yet. I fear the lawnmower. I fear the neighbors saying oh look at that poor dumb widow, she doesn't even know how to start a lawnmower!!