Lost my mum - February

[CrochetPanda]

Hi All,

I am new to your forum and I have been reading through some previous posts and I thought sharing my story with you all may be of some help to me. I am struggling with some various things.

I fear this may be quite long so I apologise in advance!!

My mum passed away on the 27th February this year. I have to say it was unexpected, she had been poorly over Christmas but she hadn't let on quite how poorly she was. Anyway, she claimed she went to the doctor (when really she lied to me, my dad and her mum) and said that she had water retention in her legs and the doctor had given her tablets - which where actually another family members pain killers..

My mum had a history with struggling with Alcohol, we all knew she was going to end up hurting herself but after attempts of trying to help and her threatning a family member with a knife we all knew we had to tread very carefully.. It was one Sunday morning I remember my Dad calling me and saying 'It's nothing to worry about Amanda but I am taking your mum to hospital' (age old line 'it's nothing to worry about'.. yeah right!!) Anyway, so mum was taken to hospital and she was admitted to a High Dependancy Unit where she was looked after by some of the most amazing nurses. Due to the alcohol my mum had liver failure, this resulted in having 8 litres of fluid drained from her tummy where her liver had stopped filtering the fluid and it was backing up (the doctor described it as trying to run a hose through a dirty sponge - it isnt going to happen) The first time I visited mum (the following day) she was extremeley tired from being drained and other examinations so I didn't expect her to say much but she barely even looked at me, she did manage to say 'I am never touching that stuff again' so she knew it was the alcohol that had put her there. So the next day she was moved to another ward. On this ward I was concerned about her care as she was to weak to be able to eat or drink so they put her on a feeding tube for food and fluids. A week passed whilst mum was on this ward and she appeared to be showing no signs of improvement - I did understand it wasn't going to be an overnight fix. We where then told that she probably would have no quality of life when she came out of hospital. My father visited (as he did everyday) and he called me in a state saying that mum had been laying in her own vomit and that he had to clean her and said that he got angry with the nurses (rightly so in my opinion but I do appreciate how hard those soles work and how short staffed they are!) Shortly after this, Mum started to struggling with her breathing and they moved her to Intensive Care... I then began to panic. I remember walking up to the Ward with my Dad, pressing the buzzer and standing there and waiting to be let in. The first day I see her she had a big tube down her throat to assist with her breathing and she was unresponsive. One of the nurses came and spoke with us and luckily mum woke up a bit and communicated with her hands and said that she would like her tube out. We left the room but sadly before they were ready mum had fallen asleep again. We said good night (we never said good bye) and that we would be back tomorrow to see her. When we arrived on the Tuesday her tube had been removed and she was managing to breathe unassisted. She still wouldn't talk to me / hold my hand - she did squeeze my dad's hand and look at him. On the Wednesday her sister arrived and whilst walking into ICU with her mum was sat in a chair!!! MAJOR improvement and she managed to hold a bit of a weak conversation with her sister - still no conversation with me though.. Sadly my dad never see her in the chair as he was having a rest from visiting the hospital (he is quite ill himself) As the days went by mum seemed to deterioate further, she was put back onto the ventilator and then taken off again. On Friday 22nd at 1pm we were told the next 48 hours were going to be make or break - I remember it so clearly as Mum always told me it snowed at my Christening and when I was told we were loosing her it was snowing.. The weekend passed and we visited everyday, no major improvement still. Monday came round and a new doctor was on shift, he said that Mum was now back to a 50 / 50 chance. Monday passed and the previous doctor was back on Duty and he grabbed me as I turned the corner to walk down to ICU. He had walked past both my nan and dad to talk to me (I was listed as next of kin) and he told me that mum was going to be moved to side room and removed from the Oxygen - she had to fight her own to the end. I didn't see mum until she had been moved, I walked into see her and she still had her feeding tube intact, her arterial lines were there still and she was gasping and struggling. This tore me to pieces, she was laying on her side facing the window, the radio was playing Queen (one of her favourite groups) and the sun was shining on her face - if she knew was happening she would have been so happy in the surrounding (despite the pain and illness.) Before I walked into the room my Uncle advised me that she looked slightly different, she had bruising to her face form the Vaccum oxygen mask she had been using previously and she looked more grey than usual. My dad spent as much time as he could and I sat / stood with her holding her hand and talking to her and apologising for being an absolute mare as a teenager! My nan also came in and kept me company and we spoke to her and said we didnt want her to pass away but if she needed too we understood and that she could go to sleep now.

Wednesday the 27th came, my uncle had spent all night with my mum watching her sleep and holding her hand (she was extremeley frail from malnurishment.) During the day I visited her and shed a few tears with her, again my nan shed tears with me and we reitterated what we had said the day before. My elders were keen to try and remove me from the room incase mum passed away infront of me. Come four o'clock I decided my nan needed to be back in her home comforts so I thought it's time to go and take her home. I left mum with a kiss on the forehead and a cuddle with my head on her pillow and I walked away with a final glance and a kiss blown in her direction. My uncle stayed with her all that evening and I was messaging him asking him for an update on mum. At 19:40 he told me he was just leaving her to get some dinner - 19:44, the nurse called me and told me mum had passed away.

What to do now? My brain went into over drive, me and the other half drove to the hospital in silence, this didn't seem real. I hadn't cried yet, I hadn't had time to realise what was happening as I had been holding everyone else together. I met my Uncle at the hospital and he greeted me with a hug and an apology that he was sorry and sorry I had to experience this. We then went upstairs to ICU and I had to decide whether I wanted to see Mum or not. Initially I had said no, I didnt want to see her in the funeral home because she would have changed so much. I came to the conclusion that it was now or never. I thought I could manage going in alone but at the last moment I changed my mnd and went to see her with my Uncle (her youngest brother) I walked in and she looked SO peaceful, her bruising had gone and she looked young again. She looked so peaceful. I spoke to her and shed some more tears, my Uncle did the same. We then decided it was time to leave - the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I walked back and forth from that door half a dozen times before taking a deep breath and saying good night mum, turning and walking away.

I then single handlely (with support from my Dad and Nan) to collect her death certificate / register her death. Write her Eulogy (with assistance from my Aunt and Uncle who have been great!) plan her funeal, make her order of service and let people know when her funeral would be.

I have been lucky really as this is my first proper experience of death and I am 26. The day of the funeral came, I supported Dad. I cried a little when I touched the coffin as we walked into the Church. The service went well and I managed to read my poem (I was adamant I was going to read it!!) Mum was buried and finally at rest.

(Sorry if I am boring you)

Since the funeral things have progressed, I still haven't experienced a complete break down of tears which I expected too.

My Dad has since found a new partner and it has caused up roar amongst the family - personally I am happy with it. I want him happy, I can't bare to see him lonely, crying, looking older, suffering with his own illnesses, severe weight loss through stress. I wondered if any of you had experienced a simialr thing and if you could give any advise. My family nans, grandads etc have been phoning myself and my brother saying that they arent happy and that they are writing my dad from their will etc. In an ideal world I want them to put their feelings aside and be happy that he is happy. The continual badgering is making things harder for me, more than anything it;s just making me want my mum back and that can't happen!!

Sorry to bore you all, I wanted to write everything down as I felt it would help me feel better. Thank you for reading, I am willing to read your replies and to read any tips you may have to help with the grieving / not letting other family members get to me.

[Mermaid Tears]

For some reason...I read your post...I am usually on the Loss of Adult Child....but if we really ponder on it all....we are all in this 'journey' together..and we are here in our Earth home...to reach out to each other...

About your Dad and being with 'another partner'....and the family is upset with it all.....I don't see it as he is trying to replace your Mom...and I am proud of you that you can see beyond the pettiness...that you want him to be happy...and not alone. We are born to be 'with people'...and we need someone to hold hands with as we walk this earth...according to Hollywood...it is all to be some 'Grand Romance' that gets us all together...when really we thrive when we have a 'someone' to share happy days...or grief...bad time..good times with....and it is proven...that babies wither and die when they are not held and cuddled...and we are just a 'bigger baby'. So....you follow your heart...and love of your Dad...and don't let 'others' rule your heart.

Yes...you saw your Mom after she passed...and yes...she was full of peace...for the Angels did come and take her home...for she would only suffer ..and there was no cure...that is the way it is supposed to be. I still think of my Mom everyday...and you will find that you will grieve in your own way. I think you have a good realistic view of it all...and you are on your 'grief journey'....we all are on this site...come back and post your feelings....and there will always be someone here that understands...read all the other posts...and you will find comfort.

[MissuDad]

Hi CP. I´m really sorry for your loss. I can understand you wanting your dad to be happy, regarding the rest of your family, they are also grieving and seeing your dad move forward might make them unconfortable. It´s probably just a question of time, until they accept it