Stuff and the Bin

[Lester]

Just reading a post that included keeping something. People told me to take my time but I have never so far had the urge to get rid of stuff.

OK here is my list of stuff I could stop or get rid of but somehow stays....so far..

Laundry Basket: Still half full of her stuff (bit creepy but this is staying for a while).

Mobile phone (sim only contract) still running could cancel just like keeping so far.

Her double dressing gowns still on the door where she left them just before she keeled over.

Her pillows safely waiting on her side of the bed. I keep to my side.

Cross stitch stuff by her chair (never used by others).

Lots of cook books in kitchen, they look good.

Stuff that has gone.....her cigarette stuff.

Stuff under threat......so many shoes what were they all for?

[Yadairaisabel]

I've been told many times to get rid of his things but I just don't have the heart for it. His cell phone still sits where he left it. All his clothes are in his drawers and all his shoes in the closet. Everything still looks exactly as he left it. I know that at some point I will have to get rid of some things but I just don't feel the need to do so its almost like I am comfortable with having his things there.

[needy]

Love the shoe comment Lester!! I was a wife of a hoarder!! Anyone need anything, I most likely have it or three of it!! I started on my husband's dresser, stuff that I would have gotten rid of even if he was still here. Then I saw the tears in my son's eyes, I stopped.

[Austykatie]

This is a good example on how people grieve differently. I came home the night of Jim's memorial service which was a week after his accident. That was the first time and the kids had come home since we stayed with my parents for the week. I had my cousin quickly pack up all his clothes and change our bedding. My children wanted all of his stuff put away and the pictures of him taken down. They just cant bare to look at them yet. I find it hard for me to see his stuff still sitting around, so I have been working on just putting things away in a bin or bag and someday I will go through it but for now I just have to take it out of sight. I also threw his pillows away and went and bought all new ones for our bed...Maybe something is wrong with me?

[John4802]

I agree that everyone grieves in a different way. As soon as my wife died, I wanted to get rid of everything that reminded me of her being sick. All of the hospice stuff was gone in a few days - I then donated all medical equipment and turned in what seemed like a hundred unused prescriptions.

Since then, I have donated all of her clothing to various charities. I am keeping her jewelry for our daughters - maybe will give them something on mother's day?? I have not decided on that yet. As long as I have photos and videos, I do not need any personal items.

However, was I did not think about was her ashes. I thought I would just keep them here in the house until I decided where I thought she would want them spread. Now I find myself feeling guilty if I am not in the same room. Has anyone else run into this? I figured talking to my wife was normal but this guilty feeling concerns me.

[sammihendo]

My dad lost his wife. He never threw out a single clothing item for 5 years, but he asked me if I wanted any of it first. I don't know your family sittuation but I would keep most of it for daughters/neices/goddaughters/granddaughters etc

[John4802]

Well you probably have to be someone who lost a partner to know how this feels. I have lost parents, grandparents, pets etc. But I always had my wife to talk to. My daughters have plenty of items to remember their mother and they would never be wearing her clothing so the best thing for me was to give it away. 5 years seems like a long time to be having this stuff around

[Silvergirl61]

The weirdest thing helped me with this question. One of my daughters looked at me, and simply said "it's your stuff now, so you do what makes you happiest".....

[Lyrik]

At first I spazzed if anyone touched ''his'' stuff. Then like Needy I tossed stuff that I would have if he was still here. I also tossed crap I'd been wanting to pitch for yrs but he hung onto. ( seriously it was junk) On the flip side, his flannel shirt is still hanging on the livingroom hook, his clothes are in the closet with his work boots ect.

I decided this is OUR house and I'll keep it as I see fit despite what the family thinks. To me they are trying to erase him via his things. I loath them for that. Or hate, pick an adjective......I drew a very firm line with the kids ( all in their 30's) that this was ''OUR LIFE'' not theirs and right or wrong they could all go pound salt.

I've kept up with our plans to paint the interior, but that's as far as I've gotten....actually that may be denial he's really gone, not sure....

[needy]

I have one big trigger for my children and I and I finally dealt with it today. My bedroom. I finally bought new bedding and a few decorative items. Have gone from the unisex bedroom into total girl mode. Just cried a tiny bit.

[IMISSTAO]

I haven't touched any of Tao's stuff yet. It's still in the closet. My mom and sister tried to pack it up right after he died, but I yelled at them and no one's been in his closet since. I keep the door shut so I don't have to look at it, but I also don't want to pack it.

My children each have a picture of their dad by their beds. They say "goodnight" to him or they talk to him sometimes. I have a picture of him up so I can see him every day.

I know I will have to pack his stuff soon as we are moving, and I have several obstacles ahead of me that preoccupy my mind somedays ... but his stuff is there, waiting for me. I have asked a friend to help me go through it because I don't want to go through it alone. Sometimes, I still cannot believe he's not coming back.

I haven't even looked at the ashes yet. I have to as we are having his celebration of life soon, and I will have to bring the ashes and give some of them to the appropriate people (he had several specific places he wanted to have his ashes spread). I have the sachets with the plastic liners for this, but can't do it yet.

I guess everyone is different, but I am really going to try to get it done soon. Now I feel a little sick. I have not cried in awhile, but the sickness comes in powerful waves ...

[MissingDaniel]

It's only been a month for me, so nothing has moved. My mother is supposed to make a quilt from my husband's t-shirts, so I have got to select these soon, but so far, I haven't been able to touch anything. At this point, I can't imagine moving anything. I do sleep on his side of the bed and use his pillows now, and sometimes cuddle with his favorite shirt, but I haven't touched anything else. I have come to the realization that some small part of my mind is pretending that he is just still out of town. Obviously, my conscious mind knows better, but I feel myself living in that illusion in order to get through the weeknights. On the weekends, it's a little harder to maintain, since that was when we had our real family time, but I fear I am still using that as a crutch to avoid dealing with the reality that he is not coming back.

I'm not sure when I will take the step to actually do anything with his "stuff", but right now, I feel no rush.

[PD1]

Yesterday night i had been at our home to stay with in laws...after my husband passed away this was the second time i had been there for stay as currently i stay at my parents home. I had been in our bedroom and all his stuff were there..his perfumes, shaving cream, shampoo, teddy(which we both had purchased together), etc..... Seeing those stuff i missed him badly...it was like volcano erruption inside me... I dont know how to deal with this...my in laws want me to stay wih them...but his stuff and our moments in those house...unbearable...how do u guys manage??

[widower2]

As already stated, it's different for everyone and you should go with whatever works for you. It's not "wrong" or "weird" and anyone who dares to even imply otherwise is a fool (well meaning or otherwise) who should be ignored.

I kept many of her clothes, mostly tops which had some meaning to me, like ones I bought her or remember her by for a particular reason etc. A little of her jewelry, but nothing worth anything except for sentimental reasons, her kids got the rest. A few knick-knacks etc. Only have one pic of her around right now, though I look at many others off and on that i have on the PC. Still very hard though.

[needy]

PD1 my heart goes out to you. If you feel you need to stay at your parents for awhile longer then do, but you most likely going to have to go home sometime. How to deal with the triggers? That is a hard one. Try to recognize what are the main triggers and why. Then if possible try to figure out what you can do about the triggers. Some of them are easier to handle while others not so easy. Good luck to you.

[PD1]

Thanks W2 and needy for your response...will try hard to manage this thing next time i go.

[naty0123]

U do what makes u feel at ease...i havent moved anything..it has been 1 year as of Saturday. I find comfort having my husbands stuff around..

[naty0123]

U do what makes u feel at ease...i havent moved anything..it has been 1 year as of Saturday. I find comfort having my husbands stuff around..

[needy]

Austykatie I always thought it was normal to get rid of clothing right after a person passes. My mom said family and/or friends go help out the family doing this chore. She also grew up on a farm and she said nothing is ever wasted, clothing would be given to people that could use it. I have been donating our used clothing for years. My husband would go to thrift stores and yard sales and basically buy useless stuff ( that is how I feel about it). But he loved finding those "bargins" that have filled up our basement. He has kept so much of his mom's stuff as well, he use to call them his heirlooms. Again in my opinion lots of this stuff is not heirlooms. His Mother's old plastic chip bowl that we couldn't use because it was a heirloom :0( is junk. My mother's fridge and stove that has to be 30 years old is junk. I just found out I get four weeks holidays. I am so excited!! Can anyone say purge and I don't think I am heartless because if he was still here I still be saying PURGE!!!!

[catz]

i still have all of Alexs things here. His wheelchair hasnt been moved from the day he died, and i really dont know if ill ever be happy getting rid of it....its a part of him even tho hed hate to hear me say that. His clothes are slowly being put to one side as i come across them, but i cant imagine getting rid of them yet and i dont think ill ever get rid of everything. I have a photo of him up in the lounge and i say good morning to him every day and tell him i love him and how much i miss him, and i also have the locket i got after he died with a lock of his hair in it, which i havent taken off since i got it. Things like the hospital bed and the hoist etc i do need to call the suppliers about to have them removed, but i have to say im in no rush yet. It is very true tho, that we all do this as we feel we have to, and every person does it differently. i love having the reminders of him, even tho it does sometimes make my subconcious try to fool me into thinking that hes just away in hospital. i DO have to firmly remind myself that no, he isnt coming home this time, hard tho that is to swallow.

[needy]

Last weekend I collected up my husband's clothes and piled them up on the bed. I told the kids to go through them and see if there is anything they would like. My youngest son didn't want anything but my oldest picked out clothes that reminded him of his father (the dirty sweat shirts was what he picked out). My husband has a collection of "useless heirlooms" in the basement that have drove me crazy for years. I went to therapy on Monday and told her I got the clothes together and that my son wants to keep some stuff. She suggested I get rid of the clothes my son wants to keep and to stop the hoarding of useless heirlooms. One step forward one step back, why do I feel like I am stupid so stupid in my own life?

[widower2]

I went to therapy on Monday and told her I got the clothes together and that my son wants to keep some stuff. She suggested I get rid of the clothes my son wants to keep and to stop the hoarding of useless heirlooms. One step forward one step back, why do I feel like I am stupid so stupid in my own life?

Um FYI you aren't at all stupid - however your so-called "therapist" IS. And grossly irresponsible to the point that I want to slap her back into last week. What a completely asinine thing to say, to get rid of something of his that your son pointedly said he wants. What kind of bonehead advice is that? Did she advise tearing the wings off of flies too?

ANYTHING you want to keep, for crying out loud KEEP IT. Why not? If it has, or might have, any sentimental value to you or is too hard to get rid of and it's not intruding on your life in any way, it makes no sense whatsoever to get rid of it - ESPECIALLY because you or someone who should know better thinks you "should." There are precious few if any "should's" here.

Pls reconsider her horrible advice as well as a different counselor. My .02 for whatever it's worth.

[needy]

This therapist suppose to be the best in the area. I question that as well. Two sessions ago she said something that totally horrified me, it is so bad that I don't even want to repeat it. Yes I will admit I was procrastinating dealing with issues of my husband's estate and burial but I was still keeping up paying the bills, household chores etc. She did give me that push (because I was so angry) to start dealing with my procrastination list. I still find things take me a long time to accomplish. I use to be wonderful at time management, that skill has greatly depreciated and it drives me crazy. Honesty I don't think therapy is what I need especially at $100 a session.

[catz]

Id say that you possibly need to change therapists. Its a very individual thing but if anyone gave me that sort of advice id tell them where they could shove it im afraid. She might be the best in the world but if you feel that youre having to question what shes telling you then maybe she just doesnt suit you. I certainly wouldnt be wanting to pay that sort of money for that sort of "advice"

In the end i think, while you may need a push sometimes, being made angry and hurt isnt the way to do it. There are better ways and youd expect that a therapist would be familiar with them.

[needy]

I totally agree, I need a push sometimes. At first I kept in contact with old friends (who have had horrible tradegies in their own lives) that I trust, then I stopped for some reason. Extended family I don't find are really giving me the best advise and say there they are there for me but really haven't showed me they are. In the last few weeks I reached out to those old friends and it has helped. This therapist can I say she helped me? Can't say she has.

[MissingDaniel]

Needy, I too think you may need to look for a new therapist. No matter how good she may be in someone else's opinion, if her method does not work for you, and you don't "click", I don't think I would spend good money to go there and get angry. I have found one at a local church that has helped me. It has been good to have someone outside my situation to talk about things with. I do find myself feeling a bit more "raw" the next day, but once I get past that, I do think I feel a bit better. By the way, I have finished "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" and it was a good book. There were a number of chapters that didn't really apply to my situation, but there was still good information to be found there. A lot of the book really hit home. I am ready for the next one - trying to figure out what it will be. Hope you can keep moving forward - blessings to you, and to all others who are going through this very painful journey.

[widower2]

This therapist suppose to be the best in the area.

According to who? Crackheads Anonymous? Her mother? Good God. I'm sorry to hear you were/are actually paying for that. One last time and I'll let it go: pls do not walk but run away from this idiot. You need someone who is understanding and competent. She is neither. And unless you live in a really small town or remote area, you should be able to find such services for free. Best to you.

[Sammijo2424]

I started seeing a therapist 3 months ago after my husband died Feb 8th very suddenly, my children pretty much insisted, they were so worried how Iwould handle it. I only go every two weeks cause I can't afford every week. When I went last week I told him i was in a bad place, I could not even get out of bed most days, he got on his sofa and made this huge deal about trying to make himself get up, I laughed till I cried, but he said, well, you will remember that every time you can't get out of bed and it will help you get up, and yes, it has. I told him my husband's things were still in his closet, and I have some shirts he wore last hoping it would keep his smell, and I said "I can keep them as long as I want, heck...I might keep them forever" to which he replied "yes, you are right, you don't have to do anything you don't want to and...most important, you can do anything you want to". That really hit home for me, I can do ANYthing, not sure what I want, in any shape or form, but at least I am to the point of trying to figure it out. I feel I have a good relationship with him and he has helped tremendously.

This week I am at the ocean with my 3 kids, son-in-laws, and 8 grand babies, we are all staying in one house, we have all come to ocean the last 5 years, I sooooo miss my husband and I want him here but I also get so much peace just sitting looking out at that great big ocean, waves crashing in, wind blowing a cool breeze, my husband and I could just sit for hours and watch it.

Right now I am laying down for a bit with my 2 year old grandson, he is asleep and I am just enjoying looking at him, and the quiet for a little bit, but very soon all the older kids will be back from pool and I will be back outside watching those waves and my grand kids playing, oh how I wish he was here.

[catz]

Im glad to hear youre finding some peace Sammijo. The ocean is very soothing isnt it? Sounds like you have a wonderful therapist too, and i love that emphasis on how YOU are the one in control.....cos after all, you ARE the one that is going to be doing this, and his aporoach sounds like its all about building up your confidance that you can.

[needy]

Sammijo your therapist sounds amazing. I am going to cancel my appointment with my therapist all she has done is made me angry. Yesterday one of my students dropped by she had her baby three weeks ago. I got to hold the baby, she is so beautiful it brought me so much joy. MissingDaniel I know what chapters you are talking about I didn't read those either. Widow to widow is another one too, it is a little blunt in spots. I am currently reading The Reality Slap, it has some lessons in it and I tried a few and well lets just say jury is out on them because I just broke down and cried. Have a few friends that are going to come and help me clear out my disaster of a basement in July. I have two charities that are coming to pick up some of the stuff, pretty sure that is where my husband bought all the stuff in the first place. Hit a few things on my procrastination list, one of them was to call my lawyer to book an appointment to make my Will. He is booked to end of September!! And can someone tell me why I can't make paragraphs? YYyy