Not ready to be a widow

[MissingDaniel]

I am new to this site, and have been reading other posts trying to find comfort in not being alone. I am 46 years old, and my husband of 13 years, only 39 years old, recently passed away from a drug overdose. He had gone back to his hometown because of his grandfather's death, and my 2 daughters and I were not able to go with him for the funeral. We had moved away to Florida 3 years ago because of his battle with drug addiction, and he had been clean ever since. We had been back there a few times together, and everything had gone fine. I guess this time I had some concern in the back of my mind, but I was determined to trust him and not worry, and give him his time with his family to grieve.

The night after the funeral, he made a choice to go off with some of his old friends from high school instead of going home with his family, and at 2:00 the next morning, I got that knock on the door telling me that he was gone. I just found out for certain last week that it had been heroin and alcohol that killed him, though I already suspected it would be something like this from the information I had been given. He just stopped breathing, and his friend was probably too drunk to realize what was happening to him, and didn't call 911 until it was too late.

I had never lost anyone really close to me before, and I never dreamed the morning he walked out the door to get on the plane that he would never come home. We have 2 young daughters, and since he has been clean, he was the best father to them. It has been hard for me coming back home to Florida and leaving his whole family 12 hours away in the place we called home for 10 years, for the birth of our daughters, and for a lot of struggles, too. I feel like I left him there, and I am so far away from all the other people grieving for him. My daughters and I are here grieving alone. I have learned a lot reading other posts, and everyone says it gets better, but all I see when I think about the future is emptiness and being alone. My children have always brought me great joy, but having my husband there to share it with meant so much, and I am really realizing that now. I try to call him on the phone so many times every day, and am constantly thinking how I need to tell him about this or that, and then realizing all over again that I can't. I have struggled with being angry at him for making such a bad choice, and dissappointed in him, and then feeling that I have to forgive him. But most of all, I just miss him SO MUCH!!! Some days, the thought of going on without him makes me feel that I can't breathe.

I just don't see a future anymore, but of neccessity, I have to go on. I have to take care of my girls. I just wonder sometimes WHEN it will feel better.

[needy]

Sorry for your loss. Losing someone is hard, but losing someone to sudden death is very hard. You are not alone, the members are on this sight are wonderful. You most likely are going to have your good days and your bad days. I know it hard to see your future and frankly I wouldn't even be thinking about it. Just go day by day.

[Austykatie]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I know this is what you probably don't want to hear, but I know first hand it does get "better". Maybe I should say "easier"? My husband was in a snowmobile accident back on Feb 16th, 2013 with 4 of his friends from work. They made poor choices and road on the river, he hit a patch of open water and went under. They think the current had taken him under the ice pack. The police came to my home that Sunday morning at 2am to tell me what had happen and that he was gone. It was the most horrific thing I have ever gone through. I was all alone at home that night and was so scared. Finally on April 20th, 2013 they recovered his remains. We did have a memorial service for him the week after he went missing as we knew he could have never survived. Anyways life has been crazy and I feel like time just passes by. I find going into the chat room in the evenings when I would have been talking to him about our day has been a comfort to me! I am also sure that some of the people that frequent the chat room can tell you first hand how you are feeling is "normal" as we are all in different stages of our grief and can help at different times. This is a great place to come for support! Have you checked into a grief group maybe in your area? I joined one a few weeks ago at our local church and it has helped me so much! The kids are always saying "mom is your meeting tonight?" I think it helps them to know I am helping myself! Amazing how kids can see those little things~

[Silvergirl61]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with the earlier posters, it gets somewhat easier to manage after some time passes. I don't really know it ever gets any better, though. And as for ready tobe a widow.. I am still not ready for that, and probably never will be. After the months that have passed, I still have days, where I miss him terribly, and it's an ache that just doesn't seem to get less, just maybe easier to bear. I hope that this site makes you feel less alone, and as though you have support...it has helped me more than anything else. Hang in there.

[MissingDaniel]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. My heart goes out to all of you as well for your losses. I know I am far from alone in what I have experienced, but when I'm sitting in my house by myself feeling the magnitude of his loss, it's easy to forget that. I am already seeing what people mean about good days and bad days. Yesterday, I was managing a bit better, and focusing on work a little better, but this morning, I can't seem to stop crying. I have already reached the point at work after 3 1/2 weeks that I feel like I'm expected to be "over it", and I worry that they are going to lose patience with me.

Austykatie, I have not looked into a group yet, but have thought about it. I will probably try to find something soon. I have been struggling to make myself stop focusing on the details of the how and why and who of what happened, knowing that it won't bring him back to know all of that, but it has been hard. I think at this point, I know all I will ever know, and I'm trying to accept that fact and move forward. I think at first, focusing on all of those details gave me something to think about besides the fact that he was gone, and maybe I was looking for someone else to blame. But I'm learning....wishing there was a fast forward button to take me ahead to when I don't feel so hopeless.

[HeyJude]

My heart just goes out to you "MissingDaniel". I can't even imagine how horrible this has been for you. My husband and I both had extensive drug abuse histories and I know the worry one feels when the other is going off alone into the battleground so to speak. I am sooo very sorry for you honey.

It has been 5 months for me and yes, it does get bareable. Easier, better, whatever you want to call it, things do have a way of settling into a routine again. I can't breath either, sometimes it feels like something is just sucking the life out of me. My husband was my everything. And some people can be such assholes, really! My employer is probably the biggest one ever.

I'm not ready to be a widow either, I hate that effin word!! Makes me feel like and old, shriveled up lady dressed in black. None of this was suppose to happen. It wasn't in any of our plans. But what do we do?? Unfortunately we just cant lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again, although that would make me so happy!! I am so mad at life in general. What a messed up place this is and what a strange existance. It seems like it is more saddness, we lose everyone we love. Do you think I need grief counceling? lol!!

Austykatie - girl, I don't know how you can even function. What a horrible thing to have happen. God Bless you sweetheart. You really do need a special blessing from above.

So, we're widows. Now what?? What do we do now??

[Sammijo2424]

I also hate the word widow, I still consider I am married, not single or widowed. Right now Iam just having a very hard time being alone, and alone. My kids come home some weekends, but they leave and they are not going to sleep with me or cuddle with me, except well I have one dtr that will just crawl up in bed with me.

Tomorrow marks 3 months my husband is gone. I want him back, some days I cry all day and some days I don't cry at all anymore. I just exist, I am but a shell of my old self right now. I try and live some kind of life but some days I just can't even get out of bed, going anywhere is a battle in my mind, I don't WANT to do anything. I have to talk and talk myself into going.

This weekend I am going to dtr house for mothers day, the next weekend I am going to other daughters house for a week then she and the grand babies are coming back with me for memorial day weekend. Being with my kids makes it easier, but I still cry a lot even when they are around, but one good thing is my grand kids will cuddle with me. Ok, I have just rambled enough

[Silvergirl61]

You "ramble" as much as you like here. Reading y'all s posts can help , believe it or not. I lurked around here, reading posts, until i finally read one that was so much like what i was feeling.. I answered, and then found more help and hope from others here than i would have believed possible. It seems we stumble along through this together, even though we are maybe miles apart.

There are so many little frustrating things that i am finding..things he took care of for me so easily, and although I watched him, many times.. I just can't seem to master the skills he had with those things! after he wasn't able to go back to work, he took over so much of the household work, that I seem to have forgotten how to do some of it, or didn't think of it..and have been finding myself looking around going what do i do first! It has been months for me, with some of it. I just didn't notice or just couldn't find any reason to do it, etc. Give yourselves time, and just do what you have to, as best as you can. I had issues with my employer..and i don't recommend doing what i did, which was simply decide i had had enough of the job. It was pretty scary, until i found another one!

Do what you can or have to, to make yourself get through the days, and don't let other people decide for you, when it's time to do anything. best advice i ever got:

! This is your life-

No-one has a right to tell you how to live it. These are your feelings, and no-one has any right or reason to tell you not to feel them. This time is yours, to "waste" or not, as you see fit. If tomorrow looks too scary, think only about today..tomorrow will take care of itself, for now. Be kind to yourself, and rest if you can, work when you have to, and if a minute or two of happy steals in..that's ok, too.

If you start feeling guilty, ask yourself this.."if I was the one who was gone, and looking down on my loved one, would I want them to be feeling this much pain and sadness?"

Those are all thing that people here have passed on to me, that i found helpful, at different times, and if any of them helps you...I will be glad I said them. Now, I have rambled enough...and I wish you some peaceful moments. I still believe that love somehow survives, and i always will.

[MissingDaniel]

Yes, please do ramble. It is in those ramblings that I find comfort and truth and fellowship. It really is comforting to hear from others who are going through similar trials, and facing similar difficulties. One of the best parts of my day right now is coming to this forum and reading new posts. I have found that one of the worst results of this great loss is that I feel alone no matter where I am or how many people are around me, and hearing from others going through this process does make me feel less alone.

HeyJude, I appreciate you sharing that about your experiences with drug use. There are certain aspects of a relationship that I think are shaped in a very particular way when there is any issue with substance abuse, and I think it colors that relationship forever, and continues to affect you in loss. It's good to talk to someone who can relate to that.

My plan for today: try as hard as I can to focus, and come up with one new thing I can do to take care of myself a little better. And if I'm not completely successful with those things, give myself a break. Wishing for a better day today than yesterday for all of us.

[HeyJude]

Sammijo - take comfort in your daughters and your grandchildren. You are so lucky to have them. I have no one. I take that back, my 84 year old mother is living with me. Now I'm freaking out that she is going to die!! I pray all the time that Jesus comes back and takes us to heaven together so I don't have to deal with her death. That will crush me. My husband, Jerry, and her were the best of friends. They were together everyday since my husband didn't work. She is so lonely now I am afraid it is going to effect her.

I do have a son in California who I get to see maybe once a year. Last time he was here he didn't even stay 24 hours. We have a good relationship, he is just go, go, go all the time. He has a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids. I just don't have the money to go out and visit all the time.

And being that I am somewhat of a loner, keep to myself kinda gal I don't have many friends at all. I like having friends, I just don't have any. I'm a home body and I guess for the ladies who like to run around I'm no fun.

So, my husband passed 5 months ago, I live in constant fear that my mom is going to go any time except that she is incrediably healthy and active. My life has just turned into one big $(%&fest!!!

[polperro91]

Hi,

I too feel your pain and know what you mean about loss. My wife of 22 years died totally unexpectedly 3 weeks ago aged 43.

I feel so lost that I feel like I've had something amputated... I even looked at an amputee forum for some support... how mad is that!

I've 4 kids and a grand-daughter, so like you, I must go on for them... and for my late wife who I know would want me to.

Each day I write a blog, this helps me deal with emotions a tiny bit at a time. It also forces me to articulate how I feel - I'd suggest you write down how you feel... the act of writing really will help you to make sense of that whirling mass of 'stuff' in your head.

Stay strong, and together through these forums we will make it.

Mark

[John4802]

Hi. I lost my wife of 40 years to cancer about 6 weeks ago. I really miss her and just cannot believe this happened. My daughters will both be here this weekend for mothers day which I think will be hard. I feel like there is no meaning to my life anymore. There is nobody to share anything with, nobody to talk to, and nobody to just sit next to and watch TV She wanted to be cremated - never liked bugs!! I have not decided what to do with the ashes but I find myself talking to the box and feeling guilty when I am not in the same room. I am in individual and group grief sessions which has helped. Work and keeping busy is helping but I just miss her so much. I also still feel guilty about not doing more when she was alive before getting sick. I definitely feel better at 6 weeks than I did at 2 weeks so I am hoping things slowly improve. Of all of the people in my group, my loss was the most recent. Some have already started trying online dating which seems absurd to me. I just cannot even imagine myself with anyone but my wife. I am not ready to be a widower.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sammijo - take comfort in your daughters and your grandchildren. You are so lucky to have them. I have no one. I take that back, my 84 year old mother is living with me. Now I'm freaking out that she is going to die!! I pray all the time that Jesus comes back and takes us to heaven together so I don't have to deal with her death. That will crush me. My husband, Jerry, and her were the best of friends. They were together everyday since my husband didn't work. She is so lonely now I am afraid it is going to effect her.

I do have a son in California who I get to see maybe once a year. Last time he was here he didn't even stay 24 hours. We have a good relationship, he is just go, go, go all the time. He has a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids. I just don't have the money to go out and visit all the time.

And being that I am somewhat of a loner, keep to myself kinda gal I don't have many friends at all. I like having friends, I just don't have any. I'm a home body and I guess for the ladies who like to run around I'm no fun.

So, my husband passed 5 months ago, I live in constant fear that my mom is going to go any time except that she is incrediably healthy and active. My life has just turned into one big $(%&fest!!!

I can relate to your feelings of isolation. While I am not a widow at this point... I have a seriously ill husband and the prognosis is not good. He has stage three colon cancer at the end. I also lost my son three years ago suddenly. The loss is crushing. I have another problem of a sort that I wanted to bring up. Perhaps others have found this happening to them as well. Since the cancer diagnosis I have found people withdrawing from us in droves. What particularly bothers me is that there are a couple of friends of mine that are doing a total withdrawl thing. When I do see them with their husbands they hold onto their arms as if I was going to somehow snag them. I can't believe the change in behavior. I am still a relatively young woman...but not some hottie. I try to stay fit and look after my appearance. I always push myself to appear cheerful around everyone. I'm not sure what or how to deal with these ladies. Except to say that I am getting increasingly angry with them which is not something I want to be. The last thing on my mind is thinking of anyone else. I have been married a very long time and put my all into my marriage successfully. So, they needn't feel threatened. What gives with them?

[needy]

Kate my heart goes out to you. Not sure why these ladies are acting this way, but they should stop. I had a similar thing happen to me. It was Easter and my brother-in-law wanted to come up for a visit but his wife suggested he stay at his sister's so the neighbors wouldn't talk. Seriously?? Is it 1800's?? John I had my husband cremated as well and I am just starting to arrange to have his remains buried. I wanted to bring home his ashes but the kids weren't ready. I really need to have him laid to rest so we can go visit him. I find it beautiful that you want to me in the same room as her. Give it time you will know what that correct thing to do is. Mark oh boy my heart goes out to you. I think we all can agree we don't want to be known as a widow/widower . I think we should find a new name.

[MissingDaniel]

I woke up this morning sobbing. I have been wanting to dream about Daniel but hadn't really had any luck with that. But my alarm went off this morning right in the middle of my dream, and there've was. He looked just like he did when I met him. But in the dream, he was explaining that he had to go and I didn't understand why. It didn't make any sense to my subconscious but I guess I understand today. I've got to start dealing with this.

I've still got an unopened package from my mother-in-law with the guest book and other things from the funeral. I know what's in it, but don't want to disturb my illusion that he is just out of town. Maybe he's trying to help me along - I don't know. I just feel so drained this morning. And so sad....

[needy]

MissingDaniel :0( you are in my thoughts and prayers for today.

[LizzyW]

I woke up this morning sobbing. I have been wanting to dream about Daniel but hadn't really had any luck with that. But my alarm went off this morning right in the middle of my dream, and there've was. He looked just like he did when I met him. But in the dream, he was explaining that he had to go and I didn't understand why. It didn't make any sense to my subconscious but I guess I understand today. I've got to start dealing with this.

I've still got an unopened package from my mother-in-law with the guest book and other things from the funeral. I know what's in it, but don't want to disturb my illusion that he is just out of town. Maybe he's trying to help me along - I don't know. I just feel so drained this morning. And so sad....

Oh, honey, I am soooo sorry. Maybe seeing him in your dreams was a way of affirming that he is gone, and that you must go on for now. I know it is very very painful, but I truly believe that the partners who we have lost, would want us to go on living until it is time for us to go as well. Hugs to you, and sending cyberstrength your direction.

[MissingDaniel]

Thank you both so much. I appreciate this forum to express my feelings sometimes. I feel a little more stable now that I'm at work, but it really did hit me hard this morning. It's funny how that line between our conscious and subconsicous can get a little blurry sometime. It's not as if I don't know in my rational mind that he's gone, but I also know that I've been choosing not to deal with it.

As sad as I was when I woke up, it was really nice to see him. I know it's something I have to go through, and I do feel like there was a reason for it. I'm sure my mind will spend the day analyzing it, whether I like it or not. I miss him every day, but today it just feels a little more raw. I'll try to just be thankful that I got to see him for a little while

[LizzyW]

Thank you both so much. I appreciate this forum to express my feelings sometimes. I feel a little more stable now that I'm at work, but it really did hit me hard this morning. It's funny how that line between our conscious and subconsicous can get a little blurry sometime. It's not as if I don't know in my rational mind that he's gone, but I also know that I've been choosing not to deal with it.

Mornings are the hardest time for me. I awaken, and have to realize, yet again, that I am alone, and that I hurt deeply. When I cry, it's usually in the morning. When I am anxious and nervous, it's usually in the morning. And yes, the line between conscious and subconscious sometimes seems to merge, which imo, isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have only had two dreams about my husband since he is gone. One of the them was symbolic, and calm, and reassuring. The other one was painfully sad. I write them down when I can remember them, because the day will come when I can look back over them, and piece together what is going on inside my self.