Hello

[MissuDad]

I discovered this forum while browsing the web looking for ways to cope with grief. My father passed away 2 weeks ago and it was my first big loss. The moment I said it out loud and my sister confirmed it, I thought I was going to die, even 2 weeks later, it´s still hard to think back on that day. For the first 2 days it all seemed unreal, until the funeral came and I had to go. On the car, I felt so tense, nervous, sad, desperate, going crazy... To make things worse, I also suffer from panic attacks and this event has been triggering them. Besides having to deal with the loss, I also have to deal with extreme anxiety and all the wave of emotions that grief brings... My father was suffering from dementia for a while buthe was "allergic" to doctors, so I could never get him to be properly examed, blood tests, etc... He was a heavy smoker and had an emphysema. Due to this me and my sister tried to get some social workers come here and convince him to go to a doctor They came one morning, but could not convince him (yes, he was stubborn). On that same night my sister called me and said he had been in bed all day and was not feeling well. When I got home, I saw he was having trouble breathing and called an ambulance. When they got here, he was reluctant to go and even wanted to smoke a cigarette, but finally caved in... We went to the hospital thinking he probably had an neomonia. The doctor there said he had seen something in his lungs and would need to make different tests, so he stayed. On the next we learned he had a sepsis and had to be induced into a coma. He remained in coma for 1 week and after that started to get better. The week after, the doctor asked to speak to the family and as my parents were divorced for more then 20 years, my sister and I went and the doctor told us he was suffering from aids, on a terminal stage. It was a shock, I couldn´t believe it and he didn´t even know On that day I couldn´t even see him and going there was a torture has he had lost several capacities on a 2 week period and watching him like that was breaking my heart. Doctors told us he was getting better and a social worker said he might be going home soon, but I was worried as I didn´t have the capacity to take care of him (I´m the youngest, closest and the only one living with him). But considering the information we were getting, we thought he´d be able to survive as long as he kept taking his meds. On the 27th of March i went to see him as it was his 76th birthday. Seeing him lying in bed, needing help to eat and looking extremely skinny was so hard to see, I was afraid of breaking down and cry in front of him. To make things worse, everytime I went there, when I was going way, I´d see tears in his eyes, only with me (I had only seen him cry twice in my life). 2 days before his death, I started to cry out of the blue... Then on the 18th of April, I got the worst news of my entire life and knew I´d never see him again...Since then I´ve been an emotional mess, I only took 1 week off from work and got back this monday, but at times I feel sad, others angry, sometimes I forget for a while and feel bad about it, then comes the panic feeling, trouble sleeping, etc... Sorry about the huge texto, but wanted to share my story, the same way some of you did. It´s always conforting knowing we´re not alone and in the middle of this confusion find some normality. Has anyone here went through a similar experience? Thanx 4 reading

[dsmurph]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. This is going to be a long process. It may take a long time for your sadness to ease. We all grieve and deal in our own way, in our own time. Try to find your own way in a healthy way. There are a lot of people here I'm that can help you. Just keep coming here. Also there are support groups out there. Hospice is free if you have one in your are. Do what you can at your timing, no one elses. Hang in there. Debbie

[Lostwithoutmum]

It's really hard, especially that you were the one living with your dad. I imagine how close you are and how difficult it is for you.

I understand you grieving even before your dad passed, it's a nightmare seeing the one you love poorly - and different from their usual selves...

Just allow yourself to live whatever feel fully.

Sorry for your loss

[MissuDad]

Thank you for all your kind words... Besides being all difficult it is also weird, sometimes I feel so much inside, that it seems I can´t handle it. I always feared the loss of my parents and now it happened.

[Lostwithoutmum]

I never entertained the idea either, never dreamed in my life that this could happen to me, to my dearest mum...And here I am reflecting on it.

I had been sick worried about mum in the week before she passed but even then I remember strongly blocking out the thought that mum was seriously ill, to say nothing of seeing her go in front of me..

It has been an utter shock.

No we never believe this can happen to us, even when it does actually happen.

[MissuDad]

I totally understand you... I always thought my dad would be like his father and last until he was 90, but he won´t even see me celebrating my 30th birthday. Today I got all his clothes in bags to give them away and each piece brought back a memory, I didn´t cry during that period, but now I vented... Going through the days has been awful, I go to work, I even got back to the gym, but all day long I feel weird and sad... and at night it´s hard to sleep and not think about it