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loss of my baby niece


gemb1984

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my sister in law (brother's wife) was 29 weeks pregnant when she lost their baby. she had to be induced and go trhough the trauma of giving birth to a still born baby girl. she was very tiny weighing only 1lb 15oz but very beautiful. by law a funeral was required and that took place only three days ago. i am finding this loss very difficult to deal with. i have had great support from family and friends but i feel like some of my friends feel as if though i should 'snap out of it' and get back to normal, but i dont want to go back to normal, what is normal? i am very confused and still very upset about everything i do not know what to do.

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Life will never be as it was. Be kind to yourself..cry, talk, post, read whatever you want. Grief is a personal thing unique to each of us.

Take care

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Louise,

Collen is correct. How we react is individual, and after something like this happens to us, our lives will never be the same again. Are there any support groups in your area? Sometimes talking it out with people who are and have dealt with these types of feelings really helps. People who say you should just move on, in my opinion, just flat out don't understand. Your emotions are not going to just go away. Everything that happens to us everyday will be a part of us forever. Some things are just more important to us than others and affect us accordingly. Hope this helps a little,

God Bless,

Al

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Hi Louise

I know this is a little late after your post and your sad loss but I was looking on the internet and decided I had to reply.

8 weeks ago my sister lost her baby at 41 weeks very suddenly. She was in our local hospital, had this very painful contraction and my little niece's heart stopped. No reason why it just did. I was devastated as was so excited and still after 8 weeks I can easily get emotional about her. My main sadness is not having her around this christmas coming as I had so much planned I was going to do with her. My sister and her partner named the little girl Chloe Louise. We had a beautiful funeral for her and she has a special spot in a local church yard where we all visit her very often.

It's been the hardest experience of all our lives and people seem to think I should of moved on by now but it's not that easy. Knowing what could of been and what our family was so close to is devastating.

The charity SANDS have been an amazing help to me. I email them often with my feelings and emotions and they are so encouraging and helpful. If you are still looking for someone to talk to then send them an email.

I hope you are well and if you are looking for someone to chat to who has been through a similar experience then please reply.

Kindest regards

Gem

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it's been a month now since my niece passed away, it still hurts a lot, or worst, everyday I cried my heart out, I FEEL LIKE DYING INSIDE, some may not understand what am feeling or what am going through, am just so glad i found this site, finding people who understands what you're going through is a big help to ease the pain.. I miss my niece every minute of everyday, i just don't know how to live the way i do before, i feel like part of me died..my world is wrecked, my soul bursting with a big hole that will never be fillied..

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Tommy's mum

alibair I am so sorry for the loss of your niece. Even though she was not your daughter you obviously loved her very much, she was your family and that pain is still hard to deal with. How old was she? How are all your family coping without her? I hope you can all come together and help support each other. Having people who have been through a child loss themselves, to talk to is really helpful because they understand how complicated grief can be and how everyone is affected. Take care

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My girl is in heaven

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY DEAR JEFF.  SIT ON THE BENCH BESIDE MAMA TODAY. LET HER FEEL YOUR PRESENSE AND THAT YOU ARE OK.  KNOWING YOU ARE SOARING WITH ALL OUR ANGELS. AND KNOW THEY ARE SINGING A BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HOLDING YOU AND ROSS AND YOUR FAMILY NEAR TO MY HEART TODAY DEAR FRIEND.

20180716_065518.jpg

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Hello.

I know this original post was produced a few years ago but I was wondering if it gets easier? I was my nieces and her partners birthing partner again as I was was with her first child. Their second, little Esmae-Louise,  her heart suddenly stopped at 34 weeks, a Friday. We had to be admitted on the Sunday and my niece finally gave birth to our sleeping angel on Monday 25th June 2018. I had so many mixed emotions, walking them to that birthing suite, knowing the outcome, i felt guilty, being present, I did not even want to see esmae-louise,  I was terrified, I was so sad. But being known for the strong one in the family, I kept it together. When esmae-louise was born, my feelings changed completely. We spent the next four days together, cuddling, bathing, dressing and introducing esmae-louise to the few members of family that could bring themselves to meet her. I have helped my niece and partner with bareavment midwife appointments, accompanied them to the chapel of rest, they wanted me there and once there, asked my to go check on her to see if I would advice an open casket viewing. all the funeral arrangements and along with my sister's and my mum, have done absolutely everything. At esmae-louise's service I had 3 panic attacks and my soul ached so bad. My niece and partner thanked me in the words of the service which was lovely. I've never wanted any thanks. It's what I hope anyone would do. Until Esmae-Louise's service, i hadnt cried. I have had imense pain in my heart and waves of sadness. However, for a while I had to keep reminding myself that it wasnt me wjo lost a child because even though i have 3 amazing children, this is how i felt. Something i feel very guilty and selfish about. Its been a week today since we said our final goodbyes and my heart aches so bad. Every single day my mind is filled with images of esmae-louise.  In everything I do, everywhere I go. I haven't spoke to anyone because I know my family are hurting and what I feel is only the tiniest amount of what my poor niece and partner are going through. I keep telling them that they will never get over it but they will learn to cope with it. But if I'm honest, right now, I don't see how life will ever get back to any kind of normality. 

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Tommy's mum

I am sorry you are hurting so much for the loss of your niece's baby girl. It is a terrible painful time and you will all have rough times ahead as you all try to process what happened. Yes your niece and husband will need lots of support in the now and in the future and their suffering will be huge.Don't feel guilty about your own sorrow because grief is just love with no place to go. "Normality" takes place over a long period of time and life is not the same after a big loss like this, most of you will carry that sorrow in your heart for ever but as time goes by things will slowly get better. You have shared a very intimate part of your niece's life and helped throughout so just be there to hug her and listen to her and allow her to grieve until she is more settled, this has been so recent. Try to access your own sorrow away from your niece because she will need you to be there for her. You have a right to grieve too and can find ways to help yourself there are lots of books on grief that may help you and may also assist you in helping your niece.

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Tommy's mum.

Thank you for your reply.

No one knows how much I'm hurting. I don't tell anyone because I am "the strong one" of the family.

I'm not sure if it's because everything has now come to a standstill as there is nothing left to do, if that makes sense? But I feel lost, empty.

When I'm with my niece and partner, I'm together, the voice of sympathy and reason but when I'm not with them, my thoughts are constantly with esmae-louise.  I hurt for my niece and her partner, for their loss and the beautiful little baby they never got to bring home. For her big brother and bigger sister who never got to meet her. 

Part of me doesn't want this pain to leave me yet I need to recover for my children's sake. Not that I'm a bad muma,  it's just they are seeing me sad a lot lately.

My husband has been great but as things like this doesn't effect him really, he forgets why I might be feeling down or had a bad night dreaming. I get angry at him because I feel he shoukd be more understanding of how I'm feeling?

The rest of my family are hurting and grieving too and I won't speak to them about my feeling because 1, I know I'm not the only one going through this and 2, I don't want to upset them anymore.

My great nieces ashes are ready for collection and they have asked me to go with them to collect her. I feel honoured again and I know I will keep it together for my niece and her partner but I selfishly feel like going with them is prolonging my recovery process. 

I am in the process of getting my niece and partner some counselling and I am thinking of speaking to someone about myself? Is that acceptable? I wouldn't tell anyone.

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