Dating

[rkh3]

My wife passed away, after 29 yrs of marriage 3/28/12. My son, 24, still lives at home, works F/T saving for a house/condo but the empty feeling just won't go away. So, I thought maybe dating may help though I have no intention of marrying again. Signed up on Match and eHarmoney and have had multiple dates, with some women more than one. I am an extrovert and love talking/meeting people but I will have to say, this on line dating thing is grueling and they really need a pysch assesment on these sites! Met some winners to that contest!

Just before I said enough I met someone and after 4 dates cancelled both accounts deciding that I can only handle one at a time. So far, so good with this one and if it falls apart I'll sign up again, hope it doesn't.

If you go this route you'll find dating, especially on line, is real work, as I said, grueling, go slow. You'll also find that dating period is very forgien to you. I am 58 and have not dated since I was in my mid twenties!

[Lester]

Good for you and hope it works out.

[Caremal]

RKH

Boy am in your shoes. I also 29 years marriage and over a year now with out my husband. I also did the date thing on line. UGH - it is so different not like it was when I was 20 and different time in my life. I wish I was confident and would say Ok lets try to go out. I just feel like what are you doing. I was going to try today and could not do it. I hope I am able to do so soon. thanks for saying you made it past and perhaps I can also.

[John4802]

Hi RKH

My wife died about 1 year after yours. March 24,2013. Actually one month ago today. We were married 40 years I'm not much older than you so I obviously got married much younger. I can't even imagine dating - even a few years from now but I assume last year you felt the same way. How long was your wife sick? How long was it before you started feeling like yourself?

I still can't believe she is gone, not sure if I am relieved her suffering is over, or if I am just guilty about not spending every minute with her during the last months??

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[Kenk]

Hi all,

I'm still fairly early in the grieving process, but I can see this topic heading my way in the future. I want to say that I don't disagree with what you're saying, but I do have a few questions because right now I can't even imagine it.

I know "you don't know what comes after this life so do what you can and live this life" seems to be a common theme... But it isn't easy to fully move on from someone that was your "one". I have trouble understanding why when it comes to the foundation of our individual beliefs, we can have 2 similar issues go in completely opposite directions. For this question I'm drawing the comparison of following a religion with faith, and belief in reuniting with a lost partner.

People live their whole lives preparing for what comes next for a God they've never met personally. Why is it that you're suppose to live for the moment and not worry about what's next when it comes to a loving person that you actually knew?

People don't go around not worrying about religion because there's no way to know. They stick with what they believe and follow their hearts. Why do you think it should be different for the lost love of your life?

[Caremal]

Within the first several months of my time without my husband I had not desire or want to want to have someone new in my life. Yet after a year I felt alone and know for forever is a long time. I am only 53 and my husband said to go ahead and find someone new someday. It would be nice to have someone to laugh with someone to talk to and someone to plan a future with. My husband told me he wanted me to be happy again and I am an extravert so being alone is not for me. I love my husband and yet will someone day (I hope) find someone new to love – it will not be the same however it still can be good. My wish for you is that you if you wish to find someone new is that you do.

[Kenk]

I get that you hope to find someone to love, but you wouldn't have any intention of marrying him would you? Nothing to risk being with your husband again. I'd hate to get to heaven and have to introduce a wife and kids to a woman I was certain I want to spend forever with, especially when I know she would want to be with me still.

It's kind of like what I was saying, you can move on but it feels like there's a limit to how much you can move on before the new person starts to come anywhere near infringing on the first love.

[Caremal]

Kenk

I will never get married again as I would lose way to much – I have health insurance and a pension for life and I do not have to pay for the insurance. I would lose that and don’t want that to happen. I would have no problem telling my husband this is my friend (Joe Blow) or whoever. Why would I feel uncomfortable about that – don’t think it will be an issue. When Rib was here I loved him and now he is gone and I hope to love someone new someday. I don’t believe a new friend would be infringing on my husband at all - I believe he will enhance my life --- I know Ron would want that as he told me to do it.

[Kenk]

I guess my question is more theoretical. If you were in my situation, age 31 lost the love of your life, no pensions or insurance issues, would you be more open to remarrying or would you still stick with having friends?

[rkh3]

Dating is not for every widow/widower, likely not for a majority. Dating has forced me to further accept my wife's death and to get back to being a social person, which I shut down. I too am an extrovert and aside from work, I hid that the last year by isolating myself. In addition, it has been a good ego boost, knowing that the opposite sex finds me intellectually and physically attractive. Aside for my extroversion, my ego was on hiatis the last year also. I feel much better about myself now though I still have times that I just want to be alone.

I am not a believer in the afterlife so that is not a consideration. The last time I saw, and will see, my wife was 3/28/12.

The sorrow disapates, never the memories.

[John4802]

Hi Rkh

I hear what you are saying. I am very skeptical about an afterlife. I assume there would have been some proof by now. But it is really depressing I will never be reunited with my wife

[John4802]

Hi Kenk

I was also thinking about the same thing you wrote. How would heaven work if you ended up loving two women. They would both want to be with you. It is almost like spending your life with someone you love who ends up dying and then meeting and falling in love with a second person would be worse than people who end up divorcing because they hate each other.

[Kenk]

I've thought about that too John. Another thought is all those that died very young and never even fell in love.

I'm not sure what I believe, but if there's even the smallest chance I do have control of something tiny that would reunite us, I need to take it.

I'm currently trying to wrap my head around how all of this could work. My research led me to a theory by a guy named Swedenborg, specifically his theory on marriage in heaven. It's a good read on google. Anyway the one way it could work is if we are all united with THE one we were supposed to be with, even if we never met them. So you could fall in love, have a really good marriage, but not necessarily THE relationship. And you'd stay closer in an afterlife, but you'd also have your soul mate by your side.

But as for 2 equal loves, I have no idea . Maybe whichever one you had the most potential happiness? Sort of like a vase... It can hold more water and is a better vessel before it is broken. You can glue it and make it function wonderfully, but it won't ever be as pretty or be able to hold as much.

I think it's a nice thought, but like you I am skeptical. But I know I need to figure out something. If she can, she wants to spend forever with me. I'm trying not to screw that up.

[rkh3]

I am wired to be a realist, if I can see it, feel it, touch it, I'll believe in it, if not I don't. I believe when you die, that is it

Believe life after death, reincarnation, etc is manmade and the belief exists to make dealing with death easier. Which, if you do believe, does help you accept it.

No hate posts please, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

[Kenk]

No hate posts should be coming. I wish I was hard wired into thinking a certain way so I wouldn't be having these questions.

I think you mean you are an empiricist though, a realist would believe things exist whether we think of them or not

I too lean towards the empiricist approach, but I'm looking for a way around it if that makes any sense.

One approach I do like though, is all the energy our body produces came from somewhere, and ends up going somewhere, if you look at it that way, we just don't know. There really isn't a right or wrong answer, but I need to find one that works for me.

[Kenk]

I stand corrected, I got bored and did some research, your definition of realist is also correct!

[widower2]

Well no, not really. From Oxford:

Definition of realism

noun

[mass noun]

• 
  1the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly:
  

• 
  2the quality or fact of representing a person or thing in a way that is accurate and true to life:
  

Conveniently, "as it is" and "accurate/true to life" regarding God/the afterlife is exceedingly subjective. Bottom line, we simply don't know for a fact what lies beyond. But "Atheist" does not equate to "realist." But we digress..........back to the actual topic.........

Dating is a tricky proposition. Simpler perhaps for older folks who may feel "past" all that and cruise into the sunset solo with grandkids or whatever, but for those with many more years to live, more complex. After all loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be. No pat answers and varies for everyone......

[rkh3]

Depends upon your beliefs, if you are an atheist then your reality is that there is no God.

[widower2]

Depends upon your beliefs,

RIght, that's my point.

But we digress..........back to the actual topic.......

Hope some of you are having some luck/success dating again, sooner or later.

[rkh3]

Update on the dating scene, I shut it down, too much effort for zero results.

Met and dated many women, some many times, but either they or I were not interested. Finally realized that I would much rather be with me than any of them. My narcissism coming out I guess. I am comfortable in my skin and like my independence. The constant meetings, dinners, drinks, planning, were taking on a life of their own and were not worth my time. Think this was a chapter or phase that I needed to go through.

I am looking forward to this coming weekend & being alone!

[widower2]

Sorry that it didn't work but go with what works I say. If you're fine being alone, more power to you......

[needy]

Darn, rkh3 I was really rooting for you.

I know a few people that use the online dating services and had great success. Back in the day I remember answering a few personal ads in the paper. Scarey stuff.

Is there any 50 and older dances in your area?

[rkh3]

Don't feel bad for me, I have finally accepted that being without a partner, i.e. wife, date, girlfriend, etc is something I am now OK with.

In school teachers called me a maverick, so I have had this trait for a long time just didn't excerise it the last 30 years.

[needy]

Maverick!! Now that is a term from the past!!

[rkh3]

Certainly is and I don't believe that they meant it as a compliment!

[rkh3]

Hi RKH

My wife died about 1 year after yours. March 24,2013. Actually one month ago today. We were married 40 years I'm not much older than you so I obviously got married much younger. I can't even imagine dating - even a few years from now but I assume last year you felt the same way. How long was your wife sick? How long was it before you started feeling like yourself?

I still can't believe she is gone, not sure if I am relieved her suffering is over, or if I am just guilty about not spending every minute with her during the last months??

Thanks for taking time to read this.

My wife had cancer for 4 years, three of which were good symptom free years. She worked F/T, was a nurse, and we went on many trips/vacations. Then the inevitable happened, it metastisized into her bones, the last year of her life was hell. 2012 was a miserable year, the only thing that saved me from the deep end was my kids (24 & 26) and work. I came out of the funk I was in after last Christmas and feel fairly "normal" now. I will never be the same person I was before but I guess I am OK with that.

[Austykatie]

My wife had cancer for 4 years, three of which were good symptom free years. She worked F/T, was a nurse, and we went on many trips/vacations. Then the inevitable happened, it metastisized into her bones, the last year of her life was hell. 2012 was a miserable year, the only thing that saved me from the deep end was my kids (24 & 26) and w

My wife had cancer for 4 years, three of which were good symptom free years. She worked F/T, was a nurse, and we went on many trips/vacations. Then the inevitable happened, it metastisized into her bones, the last year of her life was hell. 2012 was a miserable year, the only thing that saved me from the deep end was my kids (24 & 26) and work. I came out of the funk I was in after last Christmas and feel fairly "normal" now. I will never be the same person I was before but I guess I am OK with that.

ork. I came out of the funk I was in after last Christmas and feel fairly "normal" now. I will never be the same person I was before but I guess I am OK with that.

I think that none of us end to be the "same" person whom we were before our losses. We tend to adjust to our life the way it will be now. I am OK with it also as I think I have become a stronger person and realized that some of the little things in life that I used to stress about I don't anymore. My kids do keep me going! I would have to say that I don't think I could have come so far in my grief without them! Peace