Adjusting to the new you

[needy]

I have been so busy with work, my husband's estate, appointments and sports activities with the kids. It has been a non stop. Generally things are taking longer to get done but slowly I am getting stuff done. I am teaching some courses and spend hours marking assignments at night.

When the kids joined football another Mom said she would help with driving the kids to practice. I thought this was wonderful since I am generally the super mom that drives the kids. But now the lady isn't doing her part. I called her last night to see if we can make a fair schedule. She totally flipped out on me, complaining about this and that and she doesn't have time to do it. Isn't this wonderful.

Lots of people are telling me I have to start taking care of myself. My kids have forced me to stop eating junk food and eating more healthy. I think I have lost around 20 lbs. Trying to quit smoking I have cut down a lot but still sneak a few a day. My back and neck are in constant pain, I am sure due to stress. Went to the doctor's office yesterday my blood pressure is through the roof. He gave me meds and told me to "take care of myself".

How do I take care of myself?

[Caremal]

If you do not take care of yourself you can not take care of your family. You might start by taking the kids and going for a walk - don't have to be far just start walking. This will help in many ways and give you time with your kids as well. turn the tv off for 15 - 20 minnutes and get started on the rest of your life. I send you a big hug.

[needy]

Thanks. Taking care of myself is going to take some time getting use to.

[IMISSTAO]

Eat one good, healthy meal a day. Make sure you eat one, and take a multi-vitamin. Eventually one becomes two and then three. Start slow and just go with one.

Yoga. Yoga is the only thing helping me right now, more than therapy or group. It is the only time my mind is clear. I repeat the words 'SO' on the inhale and 'HUM' on the exhale when I move. I make sure to keep saying the words in my brain so that all other thoughts have no business.

I am in a similar situation to you, with a lot of running around and kids, work (got a part time job!) and the estate and all the blah blah. I have OCD so I have to keep taking my meds but the doc prescribe some Klonipin, which I am way, way leery of taking. I take it only if I am desperate and cannot stop the intrusive thoughts. But I have found yoga to be the only thing I can really find that handles me. I go to this small studio that is dark-ish and easy to be in the back, and no one cares when I cry in the final pose. I do a lot of resting poses throughout when I am overwhelmed, and, again, no one cares, but the breathing and saying 'SO' and 'HUM' for some reason just works. I feel like I can clear my brain and take all the anxiety and sadness and make it physical, and blow it out with my exhale. I have found I have actually gotten a little bit into shape, too. I am not a big exerciser, but Yoga is like exercise that isn't hideous and doesn't involve falling, itching, dodging dogs and cars and standing next to someone on a stairclimber yelling into their bluetooth.

[widower2]

I have been so busy with work, my husband's estate, appointments and sports activities with the kids. It has been a non stop. Generally things are taking longer to get done but slowly I am getting stuff done. I am teaching some courses and spend hours marking assignments at night.

When the kids joined football another Mom said she would help with driving the kids to practice. I thought this was wonderful since I am generally the super mom that drives the kids. But now the lady isn't doing her part. I called her last night to see if we can make a fair schedule. She totally flipped out on me, complaining about this and that and she doesn't have time to do it. Isn't this wonderful.

Lots of people are telling me I have to start taking care of myself. My kids have forced me to stop eating junk food and eating more healthy. I think I have lost around 20 lbs. Trying to quit smoking I have cut down a lot but still sneak a few a day. My back and neck are in constant pain, I am sure due to stress. Went to the doctor's office yesterday my blood pressure is through the roof. He gave me meds and told me to "take care of myself".

How do I take care of myself?

You really don't need us to tell you; you know how. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep etc and so on. I know, easier said than done. You don't have to be a total health nut, but again, generally speaking, you know what's good for you and what's not. It's very hard sometimes, of course, esp in those early stages, so do your best but don't beat yourself up if you're not perfect about it.

[Lyrik]

This thread was one of 2 that convinced me to join the forum.

I'm having the same issues. I will say just because I "know" to sleep, eat, do household chores ect...doesn't mean I'm not having 9 kinds of difficulty doing it. It was easy to do for my husband, but doing it for myself is another thing.

...and I don't know where that silliness is coming from.

cause I definately know better.

It however blindsided me.

I'm glad other people here discussed things like "Triggers"" and the problems with moving things in the home and suddenly having meltdowns.

It's been going on with me and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. I never know what will set me off, and am as shocked as anyone who is around at the time. Its also embarrassing.

A girlfriend asked me if I wanted a couple of tomato plants.

( who doesn't?)

But it drove home that my husband had taken care of the plants in pots here, I had intended to get 2 more matching chairs for my patio set, but was stopped cold cause to set it up with 4 chairs just for me just drives home I'll be alone outside as well as inside.

I'd just gotten over the shock of I have to figure out where the gas cans are for the lawn equitpment....something he took care of, I have no clue which cans have good gas, an which ones don't. But when I decided to get the table and chairs out cause a friend was coming over it threw me right back into "remembering" I will be entertaining solo.

and I froze up.

None of these regular chores is rocket science, and none should induce this kind of panic and "freezing up'' But it's like running into a wall over and over.

for the last 11 yrs I've taken care of him....somewhere along the line I lost "how to take care of me"

So Needy and others experiences have really hit home.

[Caremal]

Lyrik

I am in your shoes. Got the gas can out and HUM NOW WHAT! I changed a spark plug and hen could not get it started. I just hate to call for help but I end up doing that about every other week. The tub was dripping I tried to fix it and got 1/2 done and had to have help on that also. We will have to go on or give up. I am going to go get a new set for the deck might do that this week my sisters are going to visit in a couple weeks and I better get ready. I have restocked my beverages - they are a bunch of lushes - should be a good time. Hang in there we will all learn how to go on ,

[Lyrik]

Thanks Caremal!

I've been protective over my grieving with friends and family.(it's none of their business) Asking for more than superfluous help from family isn't me. My husband was a tradesman, so we've always fixed stuff ourselves.

I don't have his skills, but youtube has video's on just about everything and my google-fu is still working!!

He left me all the tools so....I'll figure things out. Financially I don't have much choice.

I read on here some people fake this? Well I will happily show anyone his death certificate!

Jeeze!! I've already plastered it across 1/2 the east coast already and became numb over it 6 weeks ago.

Didn't see a introduction thread here so just jumped in. Right? Wrong?

Me and the fur-kids are just staggering thru this. His big dog only made it till the second week of April, she

just gave up, the little one may too....I'm trying with her, but obviously I'm not who she wants. I had to open the garage yesterday and she got all excited like I'd been hiding Joe down there...she ran out looking for him again.

Then went back to moping and refused to eat.....again....

My triggers, his dog's triggers, his cat's still looking for him.....

We're having a riot here....just a blast.

[widower2]

So sorry lyrik. None of what you are feeling/experiencing/etc is "silly" in even the broadest sense of the word. Pls don't beat yourself up, it's the last thing you need or deserve. Being emotionally all over the place is common. We are here to listen as you want. We can relate......

[needy]

My goal, to take care of myself. Really hard concept for my brain to adjust to.

Read about mediation, I don't get it. My brain couldn't figure out how to get my boys into therapy sessions without taking a bunch of time of work. Called the therapist. She said my oldest is old enough to drive himself and I have to stop enabling him, he has to become a responsible adult. She is right. My youngest's high school is close enough he can walk himself to therapy. Wow wonder why I couldn't come up with that solution. Now just have to find time for me to get in.

Exercise. I joined a gym close to the football field. When they are at practice I will go and work out. They have yoga there. I will check it out. I thought of that one all by myself.

Lyrik I think we can all agree that congetitive function is extremely poor during the grieving process. Triggers still hit me. Reach out to old friends it helps.

I try to call at least two old friends a week. I am also able to talk to coworkers that I have known for years they are very supportive. But new people that are trying to be supportive I can not trust them at all. For example a lady in the office next to be has been very kind to me. Then she told me her husband is a financial advisor. Get the picture on that one. A single father at football practice asked if I wanted to go to coffee. Totally creeped me out. Lyrik let yourself feel the pain but also reach out to people you trust, it does help.

Totally forgot about lawn work. Good thing I am in Canada where we just had a snow storm two days ago. Plumbing in my hands should be outlawed :0(.

For 23 years I have been worried about taking care of my family. Now to learn to take care of myself. Very strange and foreign concept but I will try.

[lizardo]

So here I stand with you all, wishing I could not relate to the loneliness/confusion/bittersweetness/anger/longing....

but I do. Monday it'll be a whole year since D died. I have made some progress I guess, but who knows.

I try to take care of myself and stay positive and all that happy crap. Difficult on a good day, impossible on the others.

And asking for help, or merely accepting the kindness that has been offered--well, it's getting better, but any such

humility and graciousness is very hard-learned, not to mention patience with well-meaning morons.

I could go on about the "friends" who never ever call, the grown kids who are really busy, the dog who is still depressed,

the caulking I have screwed up over and over, the random bawling at the sight of little old couples, or buying such small

amounts of groceries.... but you get the picture. Thanks for reading and so sorry that you all understand this so well.

Here's to the tiniest possibility of a brighter tomorrow? Hmm, I almost believe it.

Take care,

Liz

[needy]

Liz, my heart goes out to you. I am a recent widow, but know too well how a death of a family member impacts you forever.

I have been a wife for 23 years a mother for 18 years. What am I now? Am I a Mrs, Miss or a Ms??

Liz continue to post this forum. These people are so supportive and helpful.

[MissingDaniel]

Reading all of these posts really helps me realize that I am not crazy, and am normal, if you can call it that, for my situation. My triggers are so random and unpredictable, and I sometimes feel bad for getting upset over things that others must think are silly. My daughter did not have a cell phone, and has been pestering me for me to give her "daddy's phone." I have a contract on the phone and have to keep it active, so it makes sense to let her use it, but it's hard to explain to her that it's not just a phone to me. I refuse to change the contact name, so then every time she calls me it stops my heart for a moment. I even still have leftovers in the refrigerator from the last meal he cooked for us before he left town, and I know I have to throw it out, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

I know this stuff must get better as time goes on, but I often feel panicked and paralyzed over small things, and wonder how I'm going to function like this. I work full time, and have to continue to take care of my kids, but focus is almost impossible. But I see I'm not alone. Thanks for everyone that posts here to help all of us be able to relate what we are going through. It really does help....

[needy]

MissingDaniel, I totally understand the feeling of panicking and being paralyzed. I have a huge list of things that need to be done and for some reason I can only get a few things done a day. If I do too much my brain gets so foggy. Last week on my list I had get the cars in for servicing. It took me all day to figure out how to do it!! Seriously!! Why was that so hard for me!!

[MissingDaniel]

Yep, I know what you mean, needy. Things that were always simple just aren't anymore! Just getting to the grocery store is a major undertaking right now. I'm really struggling with work. I was out over a week for the funeral, so I had work piled up when I got back. I am now at the point where I think they expect me to be "over it" and get back to being productive. My occupation requires me to bill by the hour, and I have a quota I am expected to bill per month. I know I am falling far short, because I can't focus on anything, and it takes me forever to get even the simplest job done, and I worry how long their understanding will last.

[HeyJude]

I can relate to this too. It is 5 months for me and I can't do anything but go to work. At home I just sit. Just sit and think. I want to know WHY??? Why did my husband have to die?? I'm reading books like crazy, I think I have 4 going at one time.

How the heck do I take care of myself and do I really want to?? My whole life was wrapped around taking care of my husband. I feel so lost now, so alone. I haven't cried in days and days and now I'm starting so I better go.

Just know I'm with ya, okay? We will get through this.

[needy]

My brain is starting to be better at work. It is at home where I feel so darn stupid. Reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. At first I enjoyed it, she had some wonderful ideas. Now I hate it!! She comes off as a Martha Stewart on steroids. Had a massage on Thursday!! Wow if you haven't had one I think you should check it out. Then I went to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So much for that massage!! Went to get my blood pressure checked by the nurse at work. She asked how old my grandchildren are? Seriously?? Do I look that old, I am only 46??? I told her my kids are 14 and 18 and there better not be any grandchildren for awhile. Since I am venting did I mention third day our cars are in the garage!! I should be more positive. Let's see.... oh ya we went from snow two weeks ago into full blown summer. Guess I am going to have to figure out how to hook up the air conditioners. Hope it isn't going to be like plumbing!!

[IMISSTAO]

I can relate. I have stopped the incessant crying, and I am no longer physically sick and nauseous, but I am depressed. And I have a hard time getting stuff done. Everything feels so ... big. Like even cleaning the bathroom. Or laundry, or vacuuming, or grocery shopping. It feels huge and I don't want to do it. I just want to lay in bed (but I don't). I am still doing yoga and that is the only thing that truly makes me feel better. I have gotten snippy, too, and I am trying hard not to be so grumpy, especially with my son, who has serious ADHD. We have never medicated him and I won't, and it used to not bother me so much, but I find myself easily irritated. Today I just wanted to talk to Tao. Call, have a conversation, maybe vent. I can't. I can't ever call him again. I am not crying at this point, but this almost feels worse. I just feel numb, and if I am not numb I'm feeling grumpy. Thankfully, my friends all know that this is a long process and no one expects me to be 'over it'. The only reading that has helped me is a very comprehensive book that explores a lot of our faith (we're Buddhist, but I've been lazy about it and now I find myself wanting to go back to it). It has given me comfort where grief books just piss me off.

Needy, sometimes you can call a handyman and get a pretty good price on fixing stuff - better than, say a plumber or whatnot and still get a quality job. That is how I got the garbage disposal put in the sink. I took one look at that thing and thought, "No way." I can barely do the dishes, so I know that installation wasn't happening. He was kind and professional and didn't charge me very much at all and it works perfectly. It's a thought for the next project that stumps you. It's OK to ask for help and even sometimes pay for it if it keeps you from freaking out.

My kids both have a lot of learning disabilities and emotional issues, so I am pretty busy when I get home and I don't get too much time to wallow, but even reading "Ponyella" was a chore for me tonight, and I used to be able to read it without even looking at the pages!

I am wishing you all peace and strength. I need it, too!

[needy]

IMISSTAO, finding a handyman is on my master list. Again, I can't seem to get there. Cars are back from the garage, I knew it was going to be bad but WOW!! Had a great visit with an old friend and also had some crap with dealing with my husband's estate. This estate stuff is really a huge bummer so I signed up information session on Wills and Estates that is being held at my work so I can get mine prepared. Supposedly they never had a session fill so quickly. Hmmm might have been my fault since I bugged everyone I could to sign up for it. I remember I use to say TGIF. I don't say that anymore, it has been 9 weeks today. Mother's Day on Sunday, just great.

[PD1]

Needy... I read your post...TGIF....even me and my husband use to say that...we use to love Saturdays and Sundays earlier but now i hate them the most...as he is not around:( i feel i just want him back...but i know i cant... And hurts like hell..he was the best person in this world for me...

[needy]

PD1 this roller coaster ride of the grieving cycle is rough. I thought I was doing so much better but the last week I had a turn for the worse. I think it is because I took on a little too much so I am trying to step back a bit, but it is hard because things need to be done. The estate stuff the brain can't handle but I am going to have to. Lots of politics going on at work right now and people are trying to suck me into it. One guy in particular I would like just to punch in the head, but of course I will not do that. Talked to one of my sister-in-laws last night. She just happened to call when I was crying. I spilled my heart out. Her advise to take it easy but then tells me to get on decluttering the house and get it on the market. I worry about the next person that rubs me the wrong way because I might just let loose on them.