lost both of my grandparents .

[frantakes]

Im trying to post at this group seeking some help. About two years ago, i moved to Dallas Texas because i felt it was time to leave the island that i am from and also,give a second chance to my father,since we have never a good relationship.

Since the very first day that i moved with him,i was treated like a stranger and prived of things just like i was 15 year old girl. Needless to say that i cry every night because my heart felt that my very own father did not (and still feels the same) loved me.

To make things short , neither of my parents raised me and thats why feel somehow not attached emotionally to them. And thats how my grandparents come to the table.

I dont remember my parents on graduations,kindergarten, plays,partys,etc. I just remember my grandparents.

During development here in Dallas,my grandfather dies on October 27,2010. A Wednesday that i will never forget and still today,torments my life. I couldn't say goodbye and neither of my parents took the chance for helping me with that.after i knew It,i didnt speak,moved or talk for two entire weeks.

My grandmother lost her mind when he perished. She couldnt believe as me that he died so she up on herself completely.

Later on this year she perished in febuary,how we still dont know and thats another story and it involves someone else.

I have more dark days than bright ones,it is also affecting my partner somehow because i am always anxious or negative on any life situations. I dream with both of them all the time,i drive and cry on the car anytime i think about them.

I neverwas emotionally lifted by someone to help me with this or even time to grief due to all the bad experiences ive been since i moved two years ago. Ive felt cc unloved kicked out,unemployed, unsuccessful trying to find a job,homeless and have been sick and with no money for food or medicines in less than two years.

I need help because i feel that i cant this pain held inside anymore.

[Lostwithoutmum]

Sorry about your losses, it's so hard losing people who are so special and so close to our hearts...

It makes it harder that you are faced with a number of other adversities. It's draining to be honest, and I hope that you will have the energy get through this...you need to look after your physical well-being as hard as this may sound. I know it is the last thing to worry about when the loss is that profound but you need it exactly because of that...

I hope posting here will help you unload some of these bottled up emotions.

x

[mariemb]

Hi there...

First of all, I'm so so very sorry that you lost your grandparents... As I was reading, I was amazed at how similar our stories are...

I grew up with my grandparents as well. My parents divorced when I was 1 year old, and dad took my custody. So basically, my grandmother was my mom, and my grandfather was my dad. My real dad, was always "away", usually at bars, with his friends, or at work. So as the years flew by , our relationship got worse and worse. I didn't meet my biological mother until I turned 23.

My grandparents, like with you, were the ones at my school plays, functions, and overall everywhere with me. When I got sick, my grandmom took care of me, when I needed help with homework, my grandfather would be there with me.

Back in 2009 or so, my grandfather had a brain embolism.. I was currently living in Hawaii with my biological mom trying to build a relationship with her.. I was there for about 4 months, when my grandfather got really sick... so I flew back home. I took care of him until he fully recovered, and of my grandmother, who was in a wheel chair since 2002, she had a massive heart attack, and couldn't speak clearly anymore, or do things for herself. So I decided to give them back something in life as they gave so much to me without even thinking about it twice. I took care of them both, until my grandfather passed away on April 9th 2012... That morning when it all happened, I was in shock. I don't remember a lot of what happened that week, only bits and pieces. Yet I stood strong for my grandmother, for her well being.

I took care of her, bathed her, fed her.. until she passed away only 4 months after my grandfather passed away. She was so sad all the time, you could just tell that she wanted to go with her "old man" .. they had been married for 66 years...

It was hard to breathe without my heart hurting ( and it still happens ) I couldn't believe that God took both of my "parents".. I was (and still am ) mad that they left me behind..

My dad and I have lived in my grandparents home since I was a year old, with an Auntie of mine that is special needs and she's 64. I got into so many fights with my dad because I as well, thought that he didn't love me. Every single fight was a war between us, and I would always yell at him asking him why he didn't love me, why was he so rude and uncaring to me...

On march 15th of this year, my dad went into the hospital... I got to be by his side, take care of him, tell him I loved him , hugged him and held his hand.. all of the things that I never got to do with my dad because he didn't let me get that close to him. 6 days after he got hospitalized, the doctors induced him into a coma.. 4 days later, my dad passed away.

During the hospitalization, I got to truly see and feel his love for me. I understood why he was always so distant from me, why he would sometimes just wake up and fight with me until night time.. it's hard to explain it ... but I just saw all the love he had for me.. and I only got to enjoy it for 10 days.

Your dad, like mine, must have reasons for being or acting that way.. I'm sorry that he makes you feel unloved, I've been through that as well, and it hurts just as much as loved ones passing.

You will have more dark days to come, but you will also find your self at times in the middle of a glorious one as well.. you just need to stop looking for it, and let it come to you. I understand with all my heart the crying out of nowhere thing.. I cried 2 days ago because I found a receipt marked march 10th, the last time my dad was out and about running his errands.. I couldn't believe that 15 days later he was gone.

Your grandmom I imagine, was like your comfort blanket.. no mater how sad you were, she could always make you feel loved. And your grandfather, I'm guessing, was your security blanket.. that's how I feel about both my angels. I'm still trying to figure out what to do without them 3.. they were all gone in a period of 11 months.. and it's hard as hell to breathe at times. Just remember that your grandparents always wanted the best for you, for you to be happy and to grow as a person.

Sorry for this being too long.. but I just wanted to make you feel that I fully understand how you feel.. and my heart just goes out to you.

I pray that you get acceptance and peace in your heart soon...

M.