Its Funny

[akd]

Its kind of funny, life is.

My wife wanted to become a mother, have a dozen kids, and travel the world.

I was happy being single, really didn’t want kids, and hated flying.

And yet we married, and spent some of the best times together. My being single, not wanting kids, and hating to travel didn’t scare her. Neither did the fact that my head was hardly screwed on right ½ the time. She smiled, she laughed. I loved her, and tried my hardest to make her feel special – just like she was. And yet…life is funny.

Because I raised our daughter alone for two years before she too died.

And as I write this, I am sitting in a little room with red carpet, thousands of miles from home – packing a bag for yet another adventure.

She would have been a great mother, and I don’t doubt that if things had went differently – she would have had atleast ½ of those dozen kids she wanted, and still she would have found time to travel. Because that’s how she was. Its how she rolled. Its how she worked. She made the best of the situation at hand, but was never content to leave it be. She always worked to make a difference.

Its funny because, I never wanted to be married, and I never want to be married. But I was so happy TO be married, to her. Its funny because while I was off the wall stupid, she made me feel like I was someone special, and inspired me to do the same with her. Its funny because, she never tried to change me, but simply living with her, made me want to change. And now, living without her, I find the need to change even stronger. I feel the need to travel. To go. To do what she wanted, yet couldn’t.

This life…it’s funny. And hard. And upside down. And pretty messed up sometimes.

But you know whats even funnier? That I still feel like a part of me is missing. That no matter how far I go from “normal” I am still there, still missing, still empty. With a hole that will never be filled, and that’s ok. Its funny because, I never thought I would reach the point of being ok – yet I have. And I passed that. Im more than ok. Im living this life, reaching those dreams, and writing them all out for her. Because whats funny is – Im living HER dreams. Her dreams, have become my dreams.

And even though I don’t have her, even though I don’t have our daughter, I have more. They are no longer part of my tangible life, they are part of me. Who I am. Together, they have made me who I am. A different person altogether, and someone I don’t even recognize.

Its funny.

How the circle is complete, yet still so very, very empty.

[Caremal]

Life happens when we make plans for other things. It is good your going on in life and are doing things and enjoying life again.

[MaryArlene]

akd - I liked your post -- although it's only been a short 5 months since my husband passed, I consider everything I've gone through a blessing. Sure, I've done a lot of therapy, a lot of soul searching, a lot of why him's but when I compare myself now to just before his passing, I barely recognize that person. Gone are the worries about trivial matters. Someone at work asked me if I was worried about down sizing. The truth? Not at all. When you've gone through such a soul wrenching hurt as I have in losing my partner of 27 years, the material goods, the worries, the fears, at least for me, don't exist anymore. Do I wish every day that he was still walking with me in this journey, absolutely. I am truly grateful that we were able to walk hand-in-hand for all those years.

[Caremal]

akd - I liked your post -- although it's only been a short 5 months since my husband passed, I consider everything I've gone through a blessing. Sure, I've done a lot of therapy, a lot of soul searching, a lot of why him's but when I compare myself now to just before his passing, I barely recognize that person. Gone are the worries about trivial matters. Someone at work asked me if I was worried about down sizing. The truth? Not at all. When you've gone through such a soul wrenching hurt as I have in losing my partner of 27 years, the material goods, the worries, the fears, at least for me, don't exist anymore. Do I wish every day that he was still walking with me in this journey, absolutely. I am truly grateful that we were able to walk hand-in-hand for all those years.

i am there with you --- it is just a year for me and now I am working hard at down sizing. I will have an auction later this year. My husband was sick a long time and before that was active in many hobbies. Nothing of what I will be doing - so to clean up an auction is in order - and he was saying often "just have an auction". I am sure not the same I was a year ago yet I have a ways to go to be at peace again. I wish he had not gotten sick and because he did and could not get better - it is ok that he no longer is in pain and no more suffering on his part. 33 years was a life time for me and him and I loved dang near all of it. Now and then well - lets just say if the bad was not so bad the good would not be so good. It is good your doing well at this time and with that as an example others will see they will also be OK.

[akd]

Sorry for both of your loss’. It is strange how priorities change after losing a loved on, although I suppose it shouldn’t be thought of as strange as it does actually make sense. Things that once mattered seem so trivial in the light of what happened. If any good can come from something so tragic, then maybe all hope is not lost.

[dsmurph]

Oh MY AKD, How your words touched my heart. Blessings

[Caremal]

Yes all hope is not lost .... Our life will go on.