Anger problems..

[mariemb]

Hi all..

I've been having such a BAD day today.. I can't stand my husband,my dogs, or my self... I've been sitting here wondering why I have all this build up anger inside of me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just plain angry at life. I don't know why all the people that raised me had to die in a period of 11 months... Why did they leave me to fend for my self?? My grandfather gave me strength, he was always my security blanket. This house were I live made me feel at home because of him... then he dies. My grandmother ( more like my mom, she raised me since I was a year old ) gave me a motive to BE strong after my grandfather passed away, for her, for everybody around me... she could comfort my sadness by just smiling at me or holding my hand.. then she's gone. My dad, we had such a rocky relationship, but yet he made me feel like I wasn't left alone in this awful world... and then he dies too. I'm just so angry, at everything and everyone... except at them 3...

My husband just doesn't get it... we spoke Friday night, and he told me that he just wasn't good at this "listening" thing because he doesn't like to see people be upset or sad, and that I should get professional help instead because he was no good at this.. WTH!? My friends have their own lives, their own problems, I don't want to keep bothering them with my whole story...

I try to keep busy around the house... that's why I haven't logged on in here for some days... but when I get something finished, I just keep on feeling empty inside. I miss them 3.. I miss having them with me, here at home... I can't do this anymore, I can't be strong, I'm tired, exhausted.. yet I still have my special needs Aunt who is 64 years old to look after... I love her dearly, she's like my child, she keeps me up on my toes every day, but I'm just too tired to deal with my husband, my self, my life, the bills, the NO money situation... I just can't do this anymore.

[ModKonnie]

Mariemb, Oh, the anger and frustration is very hard, isn't it? Some people (like my husband, too) are just HORRIBLE at offering comfort. I can see how you could be angry, and anger is so normal, even though it is so difficult. Can you get someone else to watch your aunt while you do something for you? Friends are friends to listen to you--you listen to them, don't you? I hope you were able to blow off some steam by unloading here today. The NO money situation--Oh, man, do I hear you on that. And, well, let the bills go and do something--anything for you. Hey, have you tried yoga or anything? What about a group? Dance class? Library? New pet? Latest thriller? New restaurant? We will listen and be here for you. ModKonnie

[StillGrievingToday]

I've been feeling mad at life too. Just seems like a lot of work, and for what? To suffer every day... Then I remember to be grateful for what I DO have left in my life. And try to learn to be happy somehow because that's all mom ever wanted for me.

[dsmurph]

Mariemb, I'm reading a book right now by Elizabeth Kubler Ross called Life Lessons. I believe it was her last book before she passed. This book deals with behaviors and roles that we have placed ourselves in and roles that we have used as our identity throughout our lives. I just started it but it has already helped me tremendously. It is making me examine myself and behaviors that are not really who I want to be in life. I think when we lose people we love and who we have built our lives around it makes us look at life in a total different light. I believe you like myself are going through this. I was recently able to let go of a relationship that was toxic to me, I could never do it before because I felt like if I let go it meant I didn't love this friend. I went through years of this person and her family saying very offensive things towards me and others. I would get upset and then pray for forgiveness in my heart for getting upset with this person. This happened recently. Yesterday I voiced that I forgive her. She called 1 hour later with more hurtful better that you words. I wondered why Our Father would allow that right after I voiced my forgiveness. Than I realized HE was showing me this was a vicious cycle, only harming me. I could not control her behavior. She will continue this until she learns her lesson. I do not have to be a part of this hurtful cycle. I still love her but cannot continue something that does harm to me and keeps me from becoming who I should be. I'm sorry to go on with my story. From reading yours, it looks like you hard a lot of loving people in your life that helped you to become the strong woman you are meant to be. Draw from the strength they gave you and taught you when they were here. I recommend that you read this book. Maybe it will help you to understand why you cannot deal with your husband. Prayers

[mariemb]

ModKonnie

It is hard.. especially when my husband doesn't really get it. His nana passed away a few years ago, but he handled his grief very differently than I am, he just shut down and didn't mention her at all, he later said that he cried for her for a while, but I never got to be there with him because he didn't tell me what he has feeling. I just let him be, I know that we all handle grief in our own way. I did help me vent here, thank you for asking. And I already have 2 loving canine children, and my baby girl is pregnant.. so I'll be running around with the puppies once they come, until I give them up for adoption. My Auntie keeps me busy, and she's the reason why I get up every morning out of bed...

StillGrievingToday

I feel the same way. I try to be a humble human being, a caring and loving woman to all those who surround me with love and bring joy to my life, I go to church every Sunday and thank God for letting me survive another day. But sometimes I just feel that there's no point in doing so if life just keeps on giving me so many things to be sad about. I'm not giving up though... A few days ago while I was cleaning ( I'm busy as a bee these days trying to get my mind focused of something else ) I found a small letter that my grandmom wrote to me on my 15th birthday.. It said that she didn't have enough money, but that she gave me those 20 dollars for my birthday, and that she wished I could buy something small with it to bring a little bit of joy on my special day, that all she wanted in life is for me to be happy... So I try to show my angels that I will figure out a way.

dsmurph

Thank you for the book recommendation. I LOVE reading.. I went out and bought 2 books a few days after my father passed away. There's one called " Francesco: A life between heaven and earth" , I don't know if they published it in English though, it's in Spanish. Anyways, it's like a novel thing, but it makes me want to believe that it's true.. it's a really good book that I also recommend to all my friends who have lost someone special in life.

Blessings to all of you.. I know that we're all here for the same reasons... I hope and wish that you have a better today than yesterday.

M.

[lamp]

I'm walking that road with you. Normal on the outside but crazy as s*** on the inside. My husband doesn't know what the word "supportive" is and our marriage is deteriorating. It wasn't that great before, so it's not like Dad's death has caused it. If anything, Dad's dying has made me try to pay attention more to living intentionally, causing me to rethink a lot of things, including my relationships.

[Lostwithoutmum]

I do know what being angry is now! But feelings seem to oscillate from that to depression or maybe anger just one face of depression

For me it is 9 weeks today and I am still taken aback by the shock of it all - some days are tolerable, and others, like today, my mind just wanders off so abruptly and pain comes in tides through my blood streams right into my heart and ruptures whatever is left there...

it's like I intentionally try to knock some sense into my brain...I try to feel the magnitude of what happened...but I can't but cling on to the feeling that mum is away on holiday and she'll be back - and when she is I want to hug her so tight and tell her all about this nightmare, because only *her* can comfort me...she always felt my pain....ALWAYS put us first and listened patiently and so selflessly...

Then I *remind* my mind that mum's gone, like really gone...but it's not taking it

I ask WHY mum, why now, why *my family* why *me* why unprepared (but then I know one can never be prepared)..I keep thinking till when?

It's hard to describe, like my heart feels the full force of it but my mind is taking none of it..

Seriously this would happen while I am at work.....in the middle of doing something....

Today, the same day my lovely mum passed 9 weeks ago, the same weather - bring back floods of raw pain that I have been keeping at bay..I don't know what next and if I am ready

I feel that in order to numb the pain I have to numb all other emotions (positive ones too). so I feel empty inside but it's the only way to stay sane

[mariemb]

lamp

Yea .. that's how I feel.. normal on the outside crazy as S**t on the inside. I can hide it some times, and others... may God have mercy on the poor soul that crosses my path..in this case my poor husband. There's just so many little things that just triggers my anger, and it's hard to control or even understand why the heck I even got mad in the first place... I dunno.. It's weird. I haven't logged on for a while, I've been trying to stay busy around the house and running errands... but at the end, the emptiness just comes back and smacks me in the face, like if it were screaming at me saying " No matter what you do the pain is never going to go away" ... See? Crazy here.

Lostwithoutmum

Tides. I hate These darned Tides. Today I was doing well in the morning, running errands... by noon I was mad at everything and everyone... took a nap to try and get the bad mood down a notch... but woke up an hour later all depressed and sad. Ugh!! I hate these waves. I'm missing my dad so much... I'm tired of asking God why on earth he thinks that I can handle all of this? What is it that he's preparing me for? or if my "lessons" in life , the hard ones at least, have finally ended? I just don't understand why it all had to happen in such a short amount of time.

I've been wondering these past couple of days if I jinxed my father. I heard the saying " whenever there's a wedding there will be a funeral" , I got married in December of last year after my grandparents passed away. I was so sad , I was determined for 2012 not to be the worst year of my life, so I moved the wedding for December. 3 months later my dad passed away... so that's just great to have in the back of my mind. I know that I might sound silly or even crazy by saying that... I'm just trying to make sense of it all I guess, and I'm just running out of explanations and I'm on my wits end by now.

I hate tides.