Heart still broken!!!

[Mdanielson4]

It’s just shy of 11 months since I lost my love. Mary was everything to me and when diagnosed with Lung Cancer Dec of 2011, The Dr. told us we would have 19 months was the average. 5 short months later Mary was on Hospice and died in the Hospital. Since then it has been month after month of tears and breakdowns, sleepless nights and panic attacks. How and when does this pain ever stop. I use to post on this board. I found comfort here before; hope I can do so again. I am struggling with May 16^th coming up very fast.

Mike

[ModKonnie]

Mike, The first anniversary is always tough, but you will have support and encouragement here. Just know people are thinking of you.ModKonnie

[Austykatie]

Sorry to hear of your loss. This website and group of people have been so great for me. I find coming here and talking on Chat at the times my boyfriend and I would be settling in for the night after all the kids went to bed has been very supportive for me! Tonight is the 8 week milestone of my boyfriends accident, I keep thinking to myself I wonder when I will stop counting by weeks and start by months?

[ikesrecovery]

I lost my husband of 26 yrs. in Jan of this year, the 3rd to be exact. Found him in bed one morning. I'm still pretty much grieving,but it seems to have taken another turn for me. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. Found myself wanting to take care of my pain again the way I did in '86, drink, drink to get drunk and pass out. So I started back to AA. I have 8 years of sobriety.

The only thing I know for sure rightr now, I don't want to drink or relive those years before I met my husband. I had an awesome marriage and husband. But now......I've lost ME! I don't know who I am any more. I have some days that are wonderful, and other days I'd rather stay in bed all day. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I did go see my counselor today, which was a good thing. It seems when my husb. passed away, now I feel I have the right to be angry, angry at my family of origin. IT was a dysfunctional family with sexual abuse and some physical abuse, so those issues as well has come back to haunt me. I'm angry all over again at them and don't want to be around them. I know forgiveness is the answer, but not sure I'm ready for that.

I miss my husband so much that sometimes it's unbearable! A girlfriend and I moved in together, and that actually has helped a lot! At least I'm not alone.

I've been writing letters to my husband on WordPad about how I feel and how my day is going.

My husband died from Cardiac Arrythmia and smoking. I got up one morning, and we were going to go pay bills and go out to eat breakfast like we always did on the 3rd, I had my coffee and then decided I'd better go see if he was ok, as he usually got up long before me, and I found him dead; like he was still asleep. I feel good that he died at home, where he loved to be; and with me in the other room. He had gotten up about midnight and went to the bathroom. I said good night hon, and he mumbled something, and that was the last thing he said to me. He also was a diabetic with complications of his b/s being too high, he had Diabetis Melitus. (sp) which is the b/s being out of control. IT is a good thing he died when he did, as he would of just gotten sicker and sicker. But none of this helps me to not miss him and wish he was still here. HE was the BEST thing that EVER happened to me. Doesn't mean we didn't have our bad times, as we did, but he was the BEST! He LOVED me unconditionally, even with all my faults, he still loved me, and NEVER Tried to change me, allowing me to be who I was. I think I miss that the most of him, was his unconditional love!

I guess mostly I need t come to grips with what my emotions are doing to me, about me. Me finding me, and knowing what I want, or what I don't want, and being ok being single. I don't want to be single, thats the biggest problem, I want to still be married to him. I know I can't change that, but that doesn't stop me from wanting.

Thank you for listening.

Irene (ikesrecovery)

Talking about anniversaries, mine was the 11th of this month, and it was HELL! The whole week was! That was whenI realized I wanted to drink again, and I live down from a bar, but I didn't, I picked up the phone and called a fellow alcoholic. (recovering alcoholic). So anniversaries are NO FUN! any more. Is all I could think about what we were going to do this year on our anniversary.

[IMISSTAO]

Ikesrecovery, I know how you feel. My husband was the best thing to happen to me (that and my two beautiful young kids). He loved me for who I am and never expected anything else than me to be me. Even during my 'crazy times' (I have OCD) he would just stick with me, help me and love me. I miss him so much it hurts. I know I will never find a person like him again. There isn't one on this planet. But I am OK being alone because he's the only person for me, ever. I have my kids and friends and I have a hobby that I love, and that gives me purpose other than work. But I miss him all the time and cry every day. I just want to be with him again, happy.

I just had my birthday, the first without him, and I cried ALL DAY. Caremal, who is on this forum, is amazing and gave me a great suggestion. When you have an important day in your relationship, anniversary or birthday, she suggested to plan something special with friends or family. My anniversary is coming up soon, and I am planning on taking my kids to the Zoo that day (pending no rain), but if it rains, I am taking them to the Children's Museum. When you have something that is like a trigger or you know it will be hard week, plan to go to an event with someone, even if it is something you're not wild about (get tickets to a baseball game or an art show). That way, you have a plan to help you through the day.

A hobby is good, too. Something you sort of like to do and find a class or a group? Art, music, ceramics, writing - all sorts of stuff that might also be therapeutic and help you stay away from drinking? I admit, I don't know much about alcohol addiction, but I worry for you from your post and want to try to be helpful.

My hobby doesn't make the pain go away, but it keeps me from panicking (I am prone to panic attacks) and keeps me from using anti anxiety meds all the time.