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Your Child's Death by Suicide


BIJulie

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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denisebridges

I have not been here in a long time. but this was shared with me a couple of years ago. I lost my son 3 years ago to suicide.

WHY

What could I have done

what did I not do

why did I not know

that his heart was torn in two?

So young so vital

with good looks, wit and charm

who could see it coming

the he would do himself harm?

What lay beneath that smile

and those soulful eyes

that happy go lucky manner

and so young to be so wise.

What dark shadows

what penumbra of pain

was cast over his soul

that countermanded his brain?

To take his own hands

to handle his strife

what could posses a healthy young man

to take his own life?

No indication that something was wrong

his presence genuine, his laugh for real

he didn?t seem to wear a mask

what did he want to?but could not heal?

Some perceived hurt

with no relief he could he find

the only way out

was going out his mind.

Gone crazy for a moment

for you a moment too long

and he ended his torment

seemingly righting some wrong.

His soul?s torment too great

and his pain so severe

he let go of love

and faced his own fear.

He journeyed to his God

his pain now relieved

this path his only choice

he had to believe.

God will not judge him

we will welcome him home

death the ultimate healer

to the pain that he?d known

No one will ever know what

guided his hand that day

why he left his family

in sorrow and dark dismay

Like explaining color

to someone born blind

there are no answers

that anyone can find.

Just know it was an illness

with no symptoms or apparent wound

that took this young and vibrant man

from your arms too soon.

Forgive him, he was lost

and tried to find his own way

and chose to find his God

he felt the only way.

He is now at peace

and dwells with his lord

as he answered to a call

he could not ignore.

He now watches over you

with his spirit still intact

and so sorry for the pain he caused

from his last earthly act.

He wants you to know

that he still loves you very much

it was no-ones fault

and he misses your touch.

He now knows a freedom

he had not known on earth

his soul was in prison

and he sought a re-birth.

He says to try and understand

and please don?t be mad

he had no choice

and knows you are sad.

Continue to love him

and speak often his name

he lingers very close

for in your heart he remains.

When you go to bed at night

talk to him while in prayer

he will come to comfort you

and will always be there.

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lorraineleew

hi i am lorrainelee please send any response to my e mail address as i may not be able to find it here. chaplainswife@comcast.net

on sept 25th of 2004 my 34yr old died by his own hand by gun shot to the head.

my life will never be the same. it has been 8 months and i still think of him, and his two kids the first thing when i open my eyes and the last thing when i go to bed and all thru the day.

has anyone here experienced this kind of death, if so, how have you survived it? i also lost another son to a motorcycle accident, he was not just rons little brother, he was rons best friend from the start. ron never recovered from his brothers death and even mentioned this shortly before he shot himself.

for a whiie i thought my whole life where i thought i wasn't going to survuve this loss. i thought my marriage would not survuve, yet another loss of a child, these were both my husbands step sons.

my faith has been tested to the max. i am angry and i feel let down by god. OH, i know all the pat answers about god ect. but they are not a comfort because

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lorraineleew

hi, this is lorraine again at chaplainswife@comcast.net please respind to this at this address as i may not be able to get back to this site and find this post.

i just posted a note that was not finished. i pushed a wrong button and don't know how to edit so i will continue here where i left off.

anyway, my faith has been tested to the max. if i had someone or somewhere else to go but to the lord i would go there.

tell me how you have and are survuving .

oh, i know all the christians whos and whys of god in this kind of loss, but all these truths are not a comfort to me in the here and now.

i know i am going to be okay in the end and i pray that i will see the goodness of the lord in this land of the living.

even so god is good and has showen himself faithful even when i have wanted to just crawl in a whole and die.

i am so so thankful for the great church community i am in . just this morning as i was in church just after the singing and as we were praying one of the pastors came buy to me and put his hand on my shoulder and told me he was glad i was there. he knows of my great loss.

my family have been NO comfort to me in this after the initial two weeks. just the way people are who have not suffered a tramatic loss.

all for now, lorrainelee

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My beautiful 17-year old son killed himself with a gun on May 22 of this year. He had struggled with depression, but had friends and family that loved him. He made me laugh whenever I was with him and teased me mercilessly. I miss his teasing. There is anguish in missing him. It helps me to read about Near Death Experiences--accounts by people who have died and been revived and who have had glimpses of heaven and our afterlife. I want so bad to know what Stephen is experiencing. I am a Christian, too, so I believe the Bible, but I just require extra proof right now that he's alive and experiencing a vibrant life in a realm that we cannot see. Check out Near-Death experiences online--it is reassuring. Also, all of our lives are short. I look forward to seeing Stephen again.

A counselor said to me, "What would Stephen want for you now?" That helps me. . .I know Stephen would be making me laugh---he would want me to laugh. And Stephen would be disgusted if I was "weak" and didn't pull myself together and act like a mother he could be proud of. So, I try to remember the good, the funny, his gorgeous smile. I still have times of anguished crying, but I have three daughter I had better be strong for, too.

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Sojourner, I am so sorry for your loss. Our son was 17 also and the thought of his death even now, after 5 years, hurts so much. You have not even gotten into a couple of months of this terrible place we are in. I wish you would join us at the loss of a teenager. There are some wonderful parents there to talk with. I am sorry it took so long for someone to answer here, I know that there is also a group of parents that have formed a group at yahoo that is called Parents of Suicide that offers a lot of on line talk for parents going through this. I wish I had some answers or even some thoughts about what one has to go through when a child takes their life, I only know our son didn't have to die and his actions took his life. It is so very hard trying to make sense of all of it knowing that it will never make any sense.

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I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

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I had lost a 4 year old son, beautiful and angelic; then later I had to bury again another son -- a 17 yr old genius! Two sons lost. Then my older son (a Tom Cruise look-alike) comforted me on my loss. He was a big comfort ... beautiful and humanitarian. After a recent motorcycle accident, he lost his life. Three sons gone! Three times my soul wounded! But the amazing thing was this one book which came out of it: INFINITUDE. This novel helped to heal the mind and soul. It is my aim to share it with others. In reality, there is no death. And as the last line of the book eloquently states ... "There are no goodbyes. That's the irony of it. And so we'll dance again."

http://cullendorn.00author.com

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panbaccha, I have no words. What you have gone through is beyond a normal human's understanding. I have talked with others that have lost 3 children and finding a direction after that is very hard. There were some people that my mother knew very well and I had had some contact with them as a child. They lost 2 little ones around 8 when the bank of a sand cliff caved in on them. The other child committed suicide years later feeling that it was his fault that he couldn't save them. They went on to become wonderful leaders in Compassionate Friends. What you have experience is unique to you, your pain and suffering is probably overwhelming. I can't even begin to understand even with the loss of my only son, if I lost my daugter my life would be over.

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We lost Jo in May of this year. My two surviving daughters and I moved away as soon as school was done. We couldn't spend one more night in the house after she died, and we lived on an island off seattle...small town, big mouths, too many memories.

We have been shocked at the reaction to her suicide. As common as teen suicide is, there are so many people who still judge you and shun you thinking ' wow, that family must be screwed up!'. We find ourselves telling people she died, avoiding that it was by her own hand. That breaks my heart, as if we have something to be ashamed of, as if we are ashamed of Jo. We would never be, but i find myself trying to protect my other children from the stigma that her death brings. Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you handle it?

Suzie (Jo's mom)

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mamablack, there is so much sorry when a child dies at their own hands, much of it coming from the reaction of others. Our son died at his own hands, not by suicide, but carelessness. Drinking was involved and there are always going to be those that don't know how to handle anything. I can remember kids at my school saying the God's awfulest things to me. Sometimes I don't think they understood and were just mouthing back what their ignorant parents were saying. It still hurt, but I always told myself, consider the source. I liked to think of them as white trash, someone who was so ignorant they would never make it in life anyway. Losing a child is terrible, no matter how it happens. We all carry some feelings that when challenged break our hearts. Suicide has always been viewed as something it isnt'. Victims of suicide have their own set of heartbreaks to deal with, but one of them shouldn't be guilt, yet it always is. We each have choices, sometimes those choices get all mixed up and are not able to be seperated. Any family can be viewed as screwed up when a child dies, blame has to be placed because the death of a child is out of the normal, even though it is so common. Just hang in there, the move should help, and I can totally understand your reason to move. We try to protect our remaining children, but at times that isn't possible either. All we can do is try and keep on plugging on.

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Dear Kirksdad: thank you for your reply. I agree that one gets the strangest, most insensitive remarks from people. I love the one "Well, at least you have the other girls". While this is true, it is as if my children are somehow interchangable. Lose one, replace with another. Doesn't work like that. There never was, or will be, someone like Jo in my life. Our relationship was unlike any other, and she was my firstborn. My middle daughter doesn't just slide into that position now that Jo isn't physically here.

It is strange how the people here in the Seattle area have been so judgmental and cold in regards to her suicide, while our old friends in LA are so much more open and 'there' for us through this. They don't make us feel as though we have anything to be embarrased about. That helps, in its own small way. My best friend up here lost her daughter in a car crash. She wasn't even driving, but people questioned the moms parenting, acting like she bore some of the blame somehow. I suppose it is just some peoples way of trying to make sense of an untenable situation. they don't want to accept that this could EVER happen to them. We all love our children to distraction, but sometimes bad things do happen to good parents, and good kids. Shitty, but true

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Mamablack:

My husband shot himself four years ago, so I am familiar with reaction to suicide. I think people are exhibiting their own fears of the unknown and trying to separate their own lives from what makes them uncomfortable. This way, it happens to "other people" even though statistics show that suicide is an epidemic, especially amongst young adults. My way of dealing with this has been to choose my friends carefully to protect myself. You don't have to grow a relationship that has become judgmental and unsupportive. On the other hand, I hope you will find that some people will surprise you with their understanding and caring nature. If people want you to "get over it" because you have other children, it's because your reality is making them uncomfortable. It's more about them than about you. Above all, try to be good to yourself and seek out people who will be good to you. I hope this helps.

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Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

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May peace find all who face this holliday with with the burden of death in them.

I lost my 33year old doughter to suicide in July of this year. She left behind two kids and a husband,as well as her Dad and myself and all th rest of the people that loved her, a brother, two sisters and a whole bunch of nefews and nieces.Of course there are menny more extended family members as well as friends.No one can make sence of why someone dies. the only thing any of us can do is try to find a way to cope with it.At first I did not think I would find my way through it with my sanity intacked. I still cry every night,and I would do anything I could to have her for just a few minuts more.but that can not be no matter how much I cry or how much I hurt,so I must find my way.It does help if you can talk about it.Thank you for thes forums, writting how I feel is esier than trying to talk face to face with people.At least here I can express

some of how I feel,and it also helpes to hear how others are dealing with the loss.

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There is a group called parents of suicide on the internet and it really helped me. Also go to memory trees.org to remember your loved one during the holiday season. Andrea mom of Josh

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Well, we made it thru the holidays, but then came new years. The first year that my sweet daughter won't be here to see. My other two girls and I struggle each and every day to find a reason to be in a world that Jo is not. We have no family, and some friends...though many fled after her death. Last night I held my 14 year old while she cried, begging to have us all just give up this unbearable pain and be with her sister. All I could do is hold her tight, listen, and tell her that with time, it would get easier. I don't know if she can see that I don't know if I believe this myself anymore. Feb 2 will be 9 months, and it is no easier...not a bit. We have a good, kind, excellent therapist....but as for family....my older brother hasn't spoken to me in years because I dated a friend of his after my divorce...he didn't even contact me when Jo died..and he is a therapist!!!! god help his patients! He lives a mile away from us....and it is as if we are dead, too. I just don't get it. I've been an RN for 25 years, loved my patients, cared for kids with Bipolar and Tourettes as a single mom. I get why nobody would marry me with all this baggage, but to abandon us in the wake of a tragedy of this magnitude just stumps me. I would never do that to another human being. I am sorry that I am whining....it isn't my style, but I'm so scared that I don't have the strength to do this all alone, and my girls are only here because they are drawing their strength from me. There aren't any answers here....but i really don't have anywhere to talk about this and it helps a bit just to put this out there. hasn't anyone else contemplated suicide after the death of a child? How did they get thru it? And yes....my therapist is aware of what is going on.

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Mamablack, I think most of us if not all of who have lost a child contemplate giving up and not going on. It's in those moments where we have to draw upon the supernatural strength of God to show us a hope we can hold onto and a brighter moment ahead. For me it has been just about 6 months since I lost my Joey. he was 7 days shy of 24 years old, and circumstances surrounding his death will remain a mystery, which juts tears at my heart in unimaginable ways. But I force myself to think on the worthwhile things that have happened since Joey has been gone... His younger brother Patrick received Jesus into his heart, as did their dad. Patrick has just bought his first house. Joey's friends share stories about him and how much they miss him. And even if no one said a word, I know in my heart that Joey was special and loved by many. Life is cruel and unfair sometimes. But there are other times when you can look for moments of joy and they are there. I read something just this morning that said this:

"In school a lot of us were shown pictures that were optical illusions. If we looked at the picture one way, we saw a woman's face. If we looked at it differently, we saw a rose. Think of this as a mindset. If you focus on Jesus and His loving arms stretched out to you, you live in peace. You know He is with you. he will always take care of you. If you focus on the other picture, you see only problems, defeats, and dicouragement. It really depends on where you concentrate your attention."

If you continually focus on the things that bring you down, like not having family around, abandonment of your therapist, the flaws of people in general, and despair that life was only worth living before Jo passed, then you are actively squashing your hope that there are many things to go on for--namely watching your two girls that are here with you grow, and become beautiful young women with so many wonderful things ahead of them. Sure it is a challenge, and it's downright depressing so much of the time when we consider our losses. But we have still so many things to be thankful for.

I lost my son, as I said, almost 6 months ago. Wednesday will be 6 months. I live far, far away from any family. I have only my husband nearby and one friend that I am fairly close with. I feel alone a lot of times when I am thinking about things I cannot change. But when I think of what God promised me--that I will see my son again, because we both put our faith and trust in Him, then I can enjoy my son Patrick and know that I still have an eternity to look forward to where I will see Joey, and Patrick will be there too one day. A mother on another post said it well. This life is a blip on a map compared to eternity. It seems long and painful, but we have an opportunity to use this life to honor our children that have passed by being stronger and more compassionate mothers to our children here, and by reaching out to other mothers who lost their children when we are strong enough to do that. Already we can make a difference in the lives of others that can bring us comfort, peace and even joy in some moments.

Don't give in to those hopeless thoughts!! There is so much hope to hold onto, but key to finding it is that you have to actively search for it.

God bless you and keep you safe in His arms while you rise out from the darkness. Love, Claudia

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thanks Claudia,

yesterday was a better day. we finally had some sun here in rainy seattle, and I got the girls outside to help me with the garden. just being outside, and getting your hands dirty...watching last years bulbs start to peek their heads out after the ground is cleared...all these things give me small joys.

though we are jewish, i can appreciate the fact that faith, in god, in something greater than ourselves, in the hope that my baby is indeed in a better place and with my parents, can be the only thing that gets us thru. your email was so kind. thank you for taking the time to make me feel not quite so alone.

oh, just for the record, my therapist is an angel, and i am not sure how i would have gotten this far without her.

i am so sorry about joey. that was my nickname for my daughter jo. sound like he has an amazing mom.

suzie

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Suzie, I'm so glad you had a better, uplifting day yesterday. I had forgotten you lived in Seattle, and with all the rain it can get downright depressing. I know that well, because I live in the rainforest in Ecuador, and it's the rainy season. Save but for a few hours of pure sunlight on a random morning, it rains everyday now until the end of April. The whole season is like 5 months of the year.

I believe in the same God as the Jews of ancient. Jesus was a jew. My old boss is jewish and we talked a lot about tradition vs. religion. I know where you're coming from. The same HOPE and promise that christians hold onto can belong to the jewish too... The Torrrah is part of the Bible; not rewritten, not added to or subtracted from. The New Testament seems to be the divider... but so many of the Old Testament prophecies are revealed in the New... It fascinates me really. I also did an intense study on Islam, and the subject of religious cultures really interests me. We work in a country that is predominantly Catholic. Some of the ancient practices, and the whole Opus Dei thing just blow me away...

Have you ever heard of the book, Saving Graces written by Elizabeth Edwards? I hear it is really good. I want to get a copy next trip to the States. Here's a short description--

ABOUT THIS BOOK

When her husband became the Democratic Party’s vice-presidential candidate in 2004, Elizabeth Edwards delighted America with her down-to-earth personality and her smart responses to tough questions. Many also knew of the courage she had shown after the death of her son, Wade, who died in a tragic car accident in 1996 at the age of sixteen. She would tap this well of courage once again on November 3, 2004, the day after the general election, when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Now making a strong recovery, Elizabeth gives us a deeper understanding of the people who have shaped her remarkable spirit, in Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers. A life story infused with inspiration and candor, Saving Graces reveals the little-known chapters of Elizabeth’s childhood as the daughter of a decorated Navy pilot, her joyous marriage, her inconsolable grief after Wade’s death, and the tumultuous political ride of 2004. Writing in the sincere, open tone that has become her hallmark, she captures universal experiences to which we can all relate: the comfort bestowed by unexpected strangers, and the importance of lifelong friends who sustain us.

Doesn't it sound like a good read? Well, Suzie, I do pray that you will continue to see some bright days that will encourage you to know that there will be tough days for sure, but there are many more good days ahead. Our Joeys' are forever with us, and no one can take that away, and love so strong can never, never be forgotten. We just carry them with us while trying to live to the fullest we can for the sake of ourselves and our other children. they need us so much, and need to know that life is just as valuable and precious with them as it was with our Joeys--and had it been any of theother children, our hearts would be just as broken...

Lots of love and special blessings, Claudia

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Dearest Claudia,

I will never cease to be amazed by the way the internet can connect people who are so far away.

I appreciated your latest email very much. My last 'love' was a converted Catholic. It fascinated me so much that I went to classes at the church, and found so many similarities....in the litergy, the customs, etc. When Jo died, it was important for my friend...with whom Jo had lived when her bipolar sister was just too much for her, for Jo to have a Catholic Mass as part of her memorial. It was so beautiful, and she was given every honor. The priest was Jesuit, and didn't think worse of her for taking her own life. As much as I sometimes think God has forsaken me and my girls, I do need to have faith that there is a greater plan in play here. I think you and i worship the same God, the father. There are times that nothing feels more peaceful than going to church, and lighting a candle for her, and just being quiet....listening to the beautifull music of the church.

As for the Elizabeth Edwards book, a girlfriend gave it to me in Sept, and I really got comfort from it. She is an amazing an strong woman. Anyone else who reads this post should try and get ahold of it. It is a story of loss, and love, strength and, above all....faith.

Again, thank you Claudia, for all your kind words. Perhaps our 'Joeys' have met and are looking down on us smiling.

Suzie

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4everjoeysmom

Suzie, I don't doubt for one single moment that our Joeys are doing exactly that--smiling upon us. It comforts me... Tomorrow I reach the 6 month mark, and my heart aches. It still feels like a terrible dream... but I go on feeling encouraged by the little things and the great things that are still shining light on my life. Thank you for sharing with me about yourself and your family, your pain and your joy. If you ever get to feeling real lonely and down, e-mail me; lots if you want. I'm not so far away.. :-)

Lots of love and hugs, Claudia

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I just lost my Teenage Daughter on January 10 2008, Although I do have support it seems noeone understand what I am going through... So I did a research and found you here at beyond Indigo...  My heart is hurting so much right now ... So many question and no answers. Jade was only 17 years old. I miss her so much.

Chantal

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Chantal,  I am so, so sorry for your loss.  You are only at 2 weeks, and oh my gosh when I think of where I was at 2 weeks...my heart is just aching for you.  You have the shock yet to wade through, and there is very little if any comfort during a time like this.  Grieving the loss of a child can feel so isolated and lonely, and like no one in the world could possibly understand your pain.  But there are parents here, all of the parents here who have lost a child, that can bring compassion and understanding to your journey when you need it most.  Please keep posting and sharing as you want and need to.  Opening up is a first step, and knowing you can do that here safely and openly without criticism or judgement, it's such a comfort.  It has been for me.  Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

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I have 4 children...well I had 4 children... # teenagers remaining...I have to try to hide my sadness most of the day because they cry when I cry... Any suggestion on how to make them understand when I need a couple minutes to myself to feel what I need to feel? They are very mad and they are fighting with each other more... Well maybe I notice it more now then ever.

Thanks

Chantalo~mother of Jade

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4everjoeysmom

Chantal, It is very common for siblings to lash out in their grieving.  They are trying, like you, to process what happened.  2 weeks is hardly anytime at all.  It's ok for you to cry in front of them.  It's ok for you to cry in private.  families have a difficukt time grieving "together", because we all process our grief through similar steps but at different paces.  If it's possible to sit down as a family and talk through your feelings, that would be so healthy and good for your "family".  Counseling may be in order, maybe idividual for the kids through school and family counseling as well.  I don;t know what your faith is, but local churches and hospitals sometimes offer grief and family counseling at little to no cost.  There are also wonderful resources/books and such on the web that can help you and your children.  Compassionate Friends has good stuff on their web site as well.  Do a search on the web for "grief resources", "loss of child, sibling, etc" resources.  And your local Christian bookstore and library may have some good resources too.

I think one of the very most important things you can do is sit down with all of your children and let them know how very special they are.  Had it not been Jade and been one of them, I think its important for them to know that you would be very grieved for them as well.  It's also important for them to understand and for you to share with them that its different for a mom than for them.  You all miss her.  But the reality is young people have a lot of things going on in their lives and bodies.  There is a lot to distract them and shift their focus, so they will have times when they wont think so much of the loss as you do, and its ok for that to happen if that does happen.  Its ok for them to do things with friends and carry on with living.  And its ok to break down and feel sad at unexpected times too.  They may recognize that as time goes on. Right now its so fresh for all of you, and you are all still reeling from shock, I can only imagine.  I am not a counselor, per se, but it seems to be such a common thread for all of us with surviving children.  My son Patrick is Joey;s little brother by 1 year.  He grieved deeply for a time, and he still has very sad moments--especially during special events and times where he wishes Joey were here.  But he also has embraced living again and is excited for new opportunities and things happening in his life as well.  And that is healthy and good.  We talk about Joey.  We don't talk about Joey.  It depends on the time and the mood.  But having been open and sharing feelings from the very beginning, it makes it much easier for us to feel comfortable discussing our feelings about Joey and that we miss him, no matter what's going on around us.  If you can begin a family discussion, and then maybe keep it going with whichever or all of your children that need it most and are most interested and open, at least try if you can.

I don't have any magic pearls of wisdom.  It's a process.  And I think one of the worst feelings for any of us who have lost a child or sibling, or anyone special, is the lonely, isolated feeling.  Let your kids know they are not alone in their pain.  If they cry with you, that's ok too.  They need to express themselves, and its important to allow that.  It's also important to differentiate from good and bad emotions--lashing out at each other to the point of physical or emotional abuse must not be acceptable.  You set the rules, and try to stay open with them.  It's so hard to be grieving so much and yet be responsible to help others through their grief.  Call on family members, clergy, friends, a counselor, or whoever you think may be able to help if its too overwhelming right now.  THERE IS NO SHAME in reaching out.  It's a must for survival for many of us in the early stages of our loss and grief.

My heart and prayers go out to you.  Please keep posting and sorting through your emotions if that is helpful.  Others here may have wonderful pearls to share with you as this community of grieving people has been a lifesaver for me through some of my darkest hours.  Bless you, and BIG HUGS, Claudia

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Thank You Claudia,

Yesterday my 2 youngest Audrey 13 and Danny 12 showed me it was ok to keep on living "normally" They wanted to go to the arcade and play... So my husband and I dragged our feet got dressed and drove to the local "play place!" There we bought a whole bunch of tokens and watched them enjoy themselves and they were contagious... It didn't take long for Daddy and Mommy to end up on some old fashion pinball machine! for about 1 hour we concentrated on having fun with our little one... For one hour we didn't think! Then My oldest son Alex, who is 18 and is living by himself, called on my cell, when he realized where we were he got pretty upset at us. As if we were disrespecting Jade's memory because we were laughing...

My daughter Jade was laughing all the time she was the little clown of the family and when ever I was sad she would make me laugh very easily... She was well known for her beautiful smile and funny attitude she left so many funny videos behind for us to watch... Even from Heaven I believe it was her doing yesterday...."Mom, Please laugh a bit in memory of me..." So I said this to my son Alex... and he finnaly understood...

But there is always something to bring me back to my sadness.... Jade knew so many people I can't go anywhere without someone knowing who I am.... There was over 250 kids from school, boys & girls club, Her pannel of youth voices etc at her funeral... So the girl selling the candies at the arcade knew who we were, and I got an other "sorry for your lost" so I hurried up audrey and danny I told them I will be waiting outside... I went out and prayed to god to let me enjoy a little longer this feeling of peace inside wich lately I consider so precious... And the door open with my two babies with radiant smiles on their face and I saw I was doing the right thing......

I could write all day but I'll stop here.... Thank you for your support

Chantal ~ mother of Jade

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Claudia,

I just taught of something that is bothering me a lot... Jade was always laughing... I can't understand why she took her life the way she did??? I don't know if we can tell here but I always have the image of horror in my head... I can't tell anyone either because they are looking at me with that discussed look in their eyes ( I tried to tell my family in law but I got that horrified look)... and I need to get it out....

I need not to see it when I close my eyes to sleep............ I want it out of my head

Chantal ~ mother of Jade

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4everjoeysmom

Chantal, I want to understand what exactly you are saying...  Do you mean you are associating some kinf of horror with the memory of Jade laughing all the time?  Or is it related to the suicide?  I don;t really know what to ask, because you haven't really said much about that, and you don't need to until you are ready.  I just mainly don;t want to jump to a wrong conclusion in what you are describing.

What I can say is that in the case of my Joey, he was always cutting up and laughing, and having fun in life.  Someone told me once, and it kind of stuck with me, that when a life is short it seems like so often there is evidence that they lived so fully in that short time--whether it was by experiencing an extraordinary amunt of achievement and activity, or being the life of the room and the party ever since they learned to walk, and everywhere in between.  I can say that about Joey for sure.  He lived hard and fast and full, and well.  I think he lived in 24 years what many people don't live in a lifetime.  When he was here I took that for granted and often thought he was too much.  But in hindsight I can clearly see he was meant to live strong and full in a short time.  I don't know if that's the direction of your thinking, but I'm here if you want to continue to open up and share more. 

I'm so glad that you had a little time of peace and playfulness with your husband and children, and I'm glad Alex came around to understanding.  There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with honoring Jade by taking time out to enjoy each other and laugh.  You are not dishonoring her memory at all by doing so.  We are still here and living, and we have to learn to adapt to a living world around us--as our whole world changes after such a loss.  Like I said before, young people are more energetic and really crave to have some normalcy, even in the midst of family trials and tragedy.  I thin you are a very strong woman for giving them a slice of that so soon in your journey.  Waves like that may come and go seldom in the beginning, because the grief waves are so string.  But as we continue our journey, in time, the waves reverse and we get more lively waves than the devastating sad ones.  e will always be sad and miss our children, but we can honor their lives and legacies best by learning to live again beyond the loss.  It will take lots of time and healing, and patience, understanding and love.  It's a process, and I'm thankful none of us have to endure it alone.

Bless you and hugs, Claudia

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To Chantal: Hello my name is jackie...and I read your posting ..I lost my son to suicide on 11/2/2007 ..he was also a very happy person always laughing...I never noticed any abnormal behavior that would lead to what happened on that horrible horrible day....My son killed himself..and today 87 day later...I still hurt sol much.. I had posted a picture of him on this site...and I bumped into it today...and once again ..why ..why..did he do this...what was so bad that me as his mother didnt pick up on...causing my son to be what was.....once upon a time....hurt...hurt is all I feel....they say as days go by you start to soften and the pain fades.....well thats not happening with me....everytime I think every time I wake up in the morning its another day without my boy....and then wondering about the future without him....I also feel as you do....how people will comment..oh so sorry for you're loss...my thouhts are..Are you really...becuae you could never ever feel as I feel right now....the only people that can honestly feel what I feel ....Is you....a person that is going through the same pain and agony......i just keep praying to god askin g him to lead my son to heaven....and to watch over my boy until I meet him again.....

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I meant I see how she died all the times when I close my eyes....

Today is hard I keep crying , sorry it hurts to write...

Also forgive my english my mother tongue is French...

 

Chantal ~ mother of Jade

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4everjoeysmom

Chantal and Jackie,  You both are so early in your journey, and at 3 weeks, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months even, I felt as you describe.  It is sheer agony, and it hurts all over again when I can claerly see other moms in that kind of agony and pain.  It's all encompassing on most days in those early days and months.  I'm so very sorry for your pain.

I didn't get to see Joey afterwards because frankly he was a mangled mess and I think I would have died on the spot.  Maybe that would have been a blessing as well, but I knew if my time was not yet to die I would live horrible nightmares my whole life.  For me there is this sense of strangeness that I never saw him anything but alive.  It's like it almost isn't real, but then the realness of missing him is still sometimes more than I can bear.  It has been a year and a half (coming the 31st of Jan) for me, and it has softened somewhat.  There is hope that we can live and not feel so shattered every second of every day.  But it's so far beyond reach in those earliest of days and months, and my heart truly goes out to both of you.  I pray that maybe in proximity of dates and similarity of what you are both feeling now that maybe you can be a comfort for each other here.  Connecting and feeling not so alone is one of the best medicines we can find along this journey.  BIG HUGS, Claudia 

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I just feel like sharing my little clown with you if it is ok.... Today I can look at her picture and it feels so good.

Chantal ~ mother of Jade

On the left Jade on the right Alex

 

post-19243-128153886957_thumb.jpg

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4everjoeysmom

Chantal, Of course it's ok to share pictures of Jade when you are feeling up to it.  :)

Oh My!  The way she is pulling and stretching her face in the photo.. how did she ever do that?!  LOL!  That looks painful...  but so very funny.  Thanks so much for sharing.  I can only imagine the countless laughter that was shared in your household as she was growing up...  Blessings and hugs, Claudia

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Chantal - the face of a beautiful child, makes you smile!   Please always feel that you can share your stories and pictures of your lovely Jade. 

The pictures and stories of our childrens lives shows us the person not just the loss.  I have found being able to have Micheals picture on the postings allows me to share my precious son with those who travel this journey with me.....

Thank you for sharing your precious Jade......Blessed be Trudi

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Hello,

I was reading all of your notes and I realized that I was pretty self absorbed..... my prayers are with all of you as well. I realized that time will make things a little easier but from the sound of it the pain remains.

I try not to tell anyone or not talk about it when people ask me how my girl  did it. It is haunting me every night though. So I will say it here once hoping it will help me.

On January 9th in the evening she was laughing with her friends at the boys and girls club she even had a snowball fight!!! Having fun like usual.... That night around 9 pm she saw the lady upstairs where she lived and said she was going to a friend's house. Then I know, it is all "what people think happenned" no real answers really.....but here it goes

On January 10th , at 1:10 pm someone knocked at my door (Police) they asked to speak with me... When I appeared in the doorway they kept asking if I was Chantal... Yes I said... They kept saying "please seat down!!!) so after a couple of questions I kindda figured out something was wrong by the look of them something was really freakin wrong and I guessed it.... First I thought maybe a car accident of some sort but no....

They told me they found her In a Park 5 minutes away from her home... She hung herself from the monkey Bars and a group of daycare kids were playing nearby...

she looked like she was standing there because she used and extension cord which streched under her weight and her feet finally touched the ground and kept her in an upright position. from 9pm on january 9 to about 11:00 am the next day my baby was there on display..................dead.... 2 days ago the police came and brought me the note she wrote ( I found that same paper she used outside on a table in a little pretty box with a pen beside it and I can't stop thinking how lonely she must have felt when she wrote her note which reads ( I love you all. I am so sorry and signed her name) I was supposed to go see her on the 9th she said to me "No mom not wednesday, thursday is better everything will be better on thursday...." I just thought she was tired and respected her wish...Now I wish I didn't...

What is botthering me is this... We always lived in Canada.... I raised my children to dress warm but my two girls were always to warm and it wasn't rare for her to go out with her jacket open with not tuque or gloves...That night she had many shirts on 2 pair of pants a tuque ,3 pairs of socks,  gloves a Jacket all zipped up she was dress really really warm as if she didn't want to get cold until someone SAVES her. but no one came.

I didn't come, I didn't save her......

So this is what is haunting me right now...

Then The hospital said I couldn't go see her there to identify her... Because they were short of staff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I was still in deny they said I had to make arrangment with a funeral home and go identify her there... And I remember saying why should I make arrangments for someone who isn't my daugter I didn't identify that person it is not my baby it can't be. But it was........ and still is and will always be....... Sometimes I sit beside the phone and wait for her call ... or I log unto my msn waiting for some silly comments from her.... but it is all gone....all gone.....

At the funeral my youngest daugther 13 years old hugged her in the casket.. Her elbow applied some pressure on the abdomen which provoked some sound and air to come out. She was begging me crying and screaming to take her big sister out of there because she said she was still breathing and alive.... this broke my heart.

Ps. I took her name off my letter because I noticed my letters comes up with a search in google when I write her name. I don't like this. I don't want this to influence or start some rumors with all her firends.

Chantal

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4everjoeysmom

Chantal, It probably doesn't feel better after having written it "out loud", but I hope in time it won't be such a vivid nightmare for you.  I pray the guilt and the images will soften and eventually subside as part of your healing journey.  It's all so surreal, I'm sure, like as if you can never wake from this horrible dream that has become your life.  Each one of us goes through those emotions and the surrealness of it all.  You are not alone, nor do you have to journey alone.  Please keep posting and sharing as your heart can and needs to.  Your Jade, as terribly lonely and desperate as her last acts were, I cannot imagine in a million lightyears that she envisioned or even had the slightest clue of what pain and devastation she would leave you with.  We all wish we could see things that are deeply hidden in a hope of being able to rescue.  It's so hard to see....  please try not to blame yourself.  It is not your fault.  HUGS, Claudia 

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It seems that this is something we all share ..the question...As a mother ..why did'nt I see it coming....Where was I ..My boy 25 years old and so happy ..hyper and outgoing...good job nice apartment....I will never know what drove him to do what he did..was it problems with his girlfriend?...My neverending thought....What was so rough ..so bad..that he decided to terminate his life in this world and alter my life forever....With my boy..It was a friday morning..11/2...weekend coming up...holiday the following monday....so we had a threeday weekend..that I was looking so foward to....little did I know this would be the most horrible and unforgettable week of my entire life.....My son had came to see me that morning....looked very happy....like always...that was at 9:00am....from then on he went to work....as usual he would call me in the night time..(to talk about his girlfriend..who had basically left) we had spoken so many times before and I assurred him in the long run everything would be ok...he was young handsome ..and in life everything could be worked out....that night..that friday night....I get a call at 8:03pm from my brother....he is screaming go over to micheals ..something happend to him..call alex (my younger brother who found him) ..I'm thinking he got into a fight or something to that perspective....my younger brother was going to meet my son ..they were suppose to go to the movies....so I call his cell and I can hear the commotion from the police in the backround...and I ask my brother what happended? first he stays shut..then starts crying and says....micheals dead! (2 words that will never ever leave my thoughts) he killed himself!!!! I was absolutely numb....I still cant understand why he would do something so severe ...I am still waiting for the autopsy....my son was'nt in his right mind...they found a big bottle of henessy in his room..he was drunk ..he then sat on his bed...put the gun to the right side of his head ..and shot....the impact of the shot caused his right eye to come out....when I arrived to the scene there was police all over ....I went into this world of misery...evrything stood still.....my boy ...what was wrong....what happend? and now 89 days later...the same questions still float in my head....why....what was so bad....why did'nt I pick up on it....he looked so normal that morning....and now I will never see him again....so chantall ...you and I and all these people here at b.I ..are in this same country of grief...god knows how long we will be here...but I can tell you ..thats its gonna be a long healing journey....a journey that we have to take..wether we like it or not....I know its gonna be extremely hard....we have to take it day by day..some days are gonna be rough ..and other days are gonna be better...not great or even good..just a little better....until we can think about them with happiness and for what they stood while they were here....instead of sorrow and mourning.pain and sadness ..which is what we feel now....it's gonna be a journey..we just have to stand by each other....hugs  =0) ...jackie

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Thank you Claudia, you are right though it didn't help much but it certainly takes the "taboo" out of it... I mean Here I do not have to feel like it is not OK to tell that my girl comited suicide....

When I see my little email come in with one of you it makes me feel good. You are so far away and probably the closest to me in this time. I thank God for the magic of the internet right now....

 

And Jackie thank you so much as well for sharing your story with us as well. Do you feel the same way as if there was an invisible law of silence around our children's death???

Regards and God bless your mother's heart

Chantal ~ mother of Jade

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4everjoeysmom

Jackie, and Chatal, it's so true...  It is a journey...

Like you, I knew Joey had some issues and struggles in life.  But for the most part he was so outgoing, charged about life, looking forward to his future, enjoying his time in college, and it goes on and on, all the things he had that were going for him.  His death was alcohol-relaqted too.  And I will never know the answer to shy or even exactly what he was thinking or how he ended up on the railroad tracks while his friends were all less than a block away.  (I say friends loosely there, because they were bar fly's he was hanging out with that night, not really his friends.)  All I know for certain is what was reported during his inquest--he was laying across the tracks.  He lifted his head, but he couldn't get up.  The video footage from the train is how I know, although I didn't review it.  I could never bring myself to look at that.  What was he thinking?  Was he so out of his mind and drunk he didn't know where he was?  Was he suffering from anxiety or depression and we didn't know?  Why?  How?  The questions can drive a person crazy...

I had to let it go.  I had to pray about it a lot and ask God to help me through this.  I had to accept that there will be answers I won't know now or maybe ever.  Getting to the point of letting go was sheer agony.  I don't even know how to describe it.  There was this personal war and this spiritual war going on inside of me.

18 months later I have found peace.  I know that regardless of whatever the circumstances were that led up to losing Joey, it was not my fault or anyone else's.  Regardless of the death here on Earth, it is but a temporary death and a passing into eternity.  We are eternal beings, created for eternity.  Joey was a Christian, although not walking a very good path over the few months of that summer.  He ebbed and flowed and struggled like so many of us do on our faith and life journeys.  But I know he is in Heaven and I know I will see him again one day.  And that is truly where I find my peace and comfort.  I couldn't get to this point by my own understanding and strength, though.  It's a supernatural strength and understanding that I truly know has come from God.

I know the journey and how very difficult and tormenting it can be.  My heart and prayers are with you.  I pray for supernatural peace to come for you.  Love, Claudia

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hello,

I have to go and finish emptying my daughter's appartment today... I keep putting it off but the landlord needs his suite soon... I find it very hard I kindda smell everything I touch when I am there. I look at every piece of paper to try to find a note for me.. but there is nothing. At the funeral someone sent a big green plant the only thing still alive from that day all the other flowers are gone. But this plant sits in my living room beside Jade's urne. I am talking to it, Well it is almost Jade green....

I hope I wont "kill" this plant I don't have much of a green thumb. I talked to Jade when I watered it today ,well I watered it for the first time by myself ... The other times I was affraid to go near it and watch my husband do it... But I did today talking by myself in the living room... My cat stayed beside me the whole time as if he knew...  My cat keep sleeping right below the table where the urne is he never did that before. I think I want some signs so much that I over do it and see them everywhere even when there is no signs at all... I look like crap , I talk by myself outloud, I stay in my PJ all day, and it hurts to move.... I keep thinking that Jade holds me up when I have to go somewhere... And you know the funny thing about it.... I keep thinking to go to the Gym because I can't stop hearing Jade saying to me:" Wow mom!!!! you are very heavy !!!" and she is laughing and when I reach in the fridge for a glass of pop I hear her say :" mom, drink some water ..you cry to much you'll turn into a dry prune!!" and again I can hear her beautiful beautiful laugh... She use to tell me silly things like that all the time... And I should be happy to remember but everytime I hear this in my head I feel like going crazy and cry... I know it is me talking in my head... not my baby. and it makes me terribly sad.

But today talking outloud to her kind of feels good. I don't do it infront of my family they will worry if I do. but when I can say her name outloud I enjoy it very much.

love Chantal ~mother of Jade

well mother of ~ Alex-Jade -Audrey and Danny I just realized that I should not just write her name...

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Chantal - Jade is definitely your child, to include her in your list of babies is so okay.  I remember the first time some one asked me how many children did I have.  I froze.  I had to think because I didn't know how you phrase it.  But think of it I did.....Mike is my son, his dying never changed that.  So I have no hesitation in saying I have 3 children. 

Each step, clearing her apartment, watering her plant, speaking out loud to her - all very much part of this journey none of us wanted to be on.  I speak with Mike constantly.  In the past 12 months I have stacked on at least 15 kilos.  Mainly from my balanced diet of Diet Coke and Chocolate.  Mikes messages are with me constantly.   I believe it is him entering my thoughts, telling me living in my PJ's is okay for now, "just don't let it become a habit".  The same with the Diet Coke & Chockies, "okay for a while but remember to keep breathing".  Many days I have never left the house, dressed in PJ's and talked, screamed and cried wanting answers and for just one moment to see Mike again.........it truly is a normal reaction to what is an abmonination of the heart and soul.....the loss of our babies.

I don't know why some of our children choose to leave early, what their thoughts might have been, but I do believe many leave us signs to let us know it was something they decided to do.  Jade dressed warmly on her day.....something you taught her, something she wanted you to know she remembered. 

I hope you come often, read or post it doesn't matter.  But the message here is clear...you are not alone.  We are all here with you, travelling with you......feeling each emotion as if it were our own........mainly because many times they are....

Take care - Trudi

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Hello, I found a poem that Jade framed on a piece a paper while I was cleaning up her appartment... I am almost done I just need to pick up some boxes and then I bring everything here and do the final sorting...

But The Poem kindda touched me it was the only thing I cried over while I was there.. Let me share it with you... I know she did not write it I saw it on the internet but she took the time to frame it so I think she liked it very much.

[align=center]Your Mother Is Always With You [/align]

 

 

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

 

She's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, and perfume that she wore.

 

She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well.

 

She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.

 

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow; she is Christmas morning.

 

Your Mother lives inside your laughter,and she's crystallized in every teardrop.

 

A Mother shows every emotion ... happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

 

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

 

She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you.

 

Not time, not space.......not even death!

 

 


  • It says it all doesn't it...

  • Chantal

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Chantal - Today has been hard for me......your daughters framed words have touched my heart....my tears flow, my heart aches........

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Hello Trudi,

I know.... I feel the same.

It is a very touching poem so true so sad....

My prayers are with you

love Chantal

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Hello,

I didn't come often this week both my kids are grieving immensly. My oldest son is not doig well. He called me for help I am thankfull for that. I have been buzy taking care of my children...Makes me forget about my pain. Well, not really forget but putting it aside for a while. I am reacting in an overprotecting behavior I think. I'll die if this happens again.......... It changed my relationship with Audrey and Alex there is not 1 minute where I don't say I love you to those I care the most about. My 18 years old is not to incline of mommy giving him kisses goodbye infront of his friends but he doesn't stop me..... I notice he says I love you way more often too.

I am pourring myself in them. I used to look at them when they were sleeping and loved it but now it is hard... Jade looked as if she was sleeping in the casket and I can't close my eyes without seeing this. So when I looked at them when they sleep it is to make sure they are breathing.

My son came to me and wanted to talk about the "if it happens to him" what he would like (to be cremated too) I didn't want to talk about it. But he said it is something that Jade didn't have the time to do. He also said Jade would have been happy with our choice for her. He thinks alot. ( too much sometimes.) I 'd rather not think about my other kids dying right now thank you very much.... But when someone  dies it makes you think of your own existence I guess.

Anyway thank you for all your support. My prayers are with all of you.

Chantal

 

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