Wandering the woods alone

[QueenLyDamned]

Hi, I was just linked here by a friend after asking for alternative helps. Sept 28 2011 i lost my 'fiance', We had an underground wedding but didnt make it to the official 'for the family' wedding. I'm a do it myself type and have tried my best to over come this on my own, However im at a point where Im lost, I dont know where to go from here or how to help myself more. FInding this I am hoping to find a new direction for new baby steps. Coming here at all was a new baby step made today which im very proud of.

[dsmurph]

Bless Your Heart. I don't share all of my pain either. But, being on here has helped me some. I have found that reading has helped me a lot. I recommend Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She was an interesting woman who gave her life to helping people. I read On Life, Death and Afterlife. This book helped me a lot. I just started Life Lessons. I believe this was her last book before she passed. This is supposed to be about finding meaning in life. I don't know if I am ready for this. But I'm sure it will help me. I also ready Embraced By the Light By Betty J Eadie. It was a good book too. It was the first book I read after our daughter passed. It helped me also. I go to a hospice support group. You may want to look into that. There are a lot of people who lost their spouse. Blessings.

[widower2]

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved a little before you did. I suggest grief counseling - try groups or 1 on 1, see which works best. And if one group or counselor doesn't work for you, try another. And of course feel free to vent here any time - suggest reading through some of the posts as well, you may find a lot there. Best to you -

[rkh3]

I don't want to be negative but I did not find counseling helpful at all, maybe it was more about the counselor than the process. What I did find helpful was spending more time with my hobby, cars. I did try dating for a few months which built up my confidence and also gave my ego a boost. I finally stopped, I hit a point where it was too much work compared to the results, plus I like my company more than anyone I have met!

I did feel that I had to "reinvent" myself after my wife died, it is a process. I fully understand.....after 29 years of marriage, who am I without her?

[widower2]

I don't want to be negative but I did not find counseling helpful at all, maybe it was more about the counselor than the process.

I think probably so. It was well worth it for me, mine was great though it was only for a month or 2.

[Silvergirl61]

" Having to re-invent myself"...what a strangely appropriate and powerful statement that is! There are so many times, I look at the face in the mirror now, and i ask myself..who is that? It feels like i am a stranger to myself anymore...and i am always waiting, trying to figure out what it is i want to do....

I have a weird question..do I have an anniversary now? Or am I just supposed to forget that day. I know I'm not married any more..but my heart doesn't feel single, either. Life is just so mixed up...

[Austykatie]

" Having to re-invent myself"...what a strangely appropriate and powerful statement that is! There are so many times, I look at the face in the mirror now, and i ask myself..who is that? It feels like i am a stranger to myself anymore...and i am always waiting, trying to figure out what it is i want to do....

I have a weird question..do I have an anniversary now? Or am I just supposed to forget that day. I know I'm not married any more..but my heart doesn't feel single, either. Life is just so mixed up...

I understand how you say you are not married anymore yet your heart doesn't feel single! I know how that feels! I don't want people looking at me as the "poor young widower" however what else am I? I am previously divorced and now widowed! Sometimes that is very hard to swallow! I am not going to re-invent myself because Jim would want me to stay the same person I was when he was alive! He loved me for the strong willed, confident, hardworking wife and Mother that I am, so for now I am going to stay that same person but maybe stronger than I was before! We have all been through so much loosing a loved one that somedays I wonder how we really can function!

[needy]

I too look in the mirror and say "who is that" because I have lost weight. My husband and I, never once celebrated our anniversary. Sounds horrible doesn't it. It was just the way it was. When the kids were young we never had date nights. Most likely because I was the "helicopter" mom and we always thought we shouldn't spend money on ourselves. Big mistake. Over the last couple of years at least we went out a few times. We were just starting to spend some time together alone, and then he passed away. This year I will be celebrating our anniversary. I don't think I will be re-inventing myself I just want to learn how to make time to take care of myself and also make time for the things that are important. I know family is important, I love my sons even though they are teenagers LOL. I know I have to let them have their time with their friends, and make decisions on their own. What to do with the free time when it comes up?? Hmmm brain is stuck on that one.

[Silvergirl61]

I guess maybe it's not so much my 'self' i have to re-invent, but my self-image, maybe. I don't know how to break the loneliness i feel inside, even when I am with friends or family. I can't seem to make myself stop thinking, Dennis would love this, or I wish I could tell him...and those moments hurt! There are times, when I walk down crowded streets, and it feels like he's just ahead of me, and I find myself hurrying to catch up, or looking frantically ahead, trying to see him in the crowd. I was going to go to a concert later this summer, to see a musician we both loved...but I don't think I will go...it wouldn't be the same, I tell myself. But maybe what i'm really afraid of is..it would be a great show, but I'd make a fool out of myself...because he will play a song that will make me cry...and someone will see it. Or I'll get scared in the crowd...and Dennis won't be there to hold onto.

I hate not being able to make a decision . I just can't seem to stick to anything! Pack it away//get it back out. Move? Stay? What do I want to do?

Lately, I have seriously wanted to just throw some things in the car...and drive away....and never come back......but I already know I can't run away from my own heart. I feel like a child again...and not in a good way.

I miss the deep voice telling me that everything will be all right. I miss the strong arms that held me. I miss the smile that could brighten my darkest hour. Most of all, I miss the loving friend, who always understood, and could always help me find my way through the darkness, or dance with me in the sunlight. It's been so many months now!

I am afraid i won't have the strength to live like this for years.....but at first.. I didn't think i could live for a few days. We will figure it out, I guess. All of us seem to be wandering in the woods - but when we talk here..somehow it seems less like we are alone, because looking around, the woods are a busy place, aren't they?

[needy]

Silvergirl I think it is beautiful you had such a wonderful marriage I am a little jealous. Mine was a little different. My husband was a dynamic individual who had many different sides to him. The side that was hardest to handle was he was an introvert and also an alcoholic. I don't want to get into too many details but might as well say it, I have been alone for a lot for years. Probably 5 years ago it really hit me when the kids were spending more time with their friends making me more alone. At that time I had a career that caused me to have a burn out. With the support of my husband I returned to school. It was extremely hard financially and my husband encouraged me. Poor guy didn't take any holidays for 5 years. I now have a pretty good paying job, but it is still a contract. Hopefully it becomes full time in a year. I too miss my husband terribly and I would take back everything with our marriage good and bad in a heart beat. Off course now we are facing a new type of loneliness. I hate to pitch a book but I am going to anyway. I have just finished reading Widow to Widow I have to say it goes through a lot of things we are going through. And I agree stay out of the woods it is a busy place!!