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coping


tiffanycrash

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tiffanycrash

I just want to lay in bed and cry. I don't want to go anywhere do anything see anyone...I just want to cry!! My husband has no clue he thinks since the funeral is over I should be better...it just not that easy. I just don't know how to cope. I mean when the one person that was always a constant in your life is gone what are you suppose to do? How are you suppose to act?

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Husbands are weird like that, I guess. My husband build an imaginary wall between us when my grandfather passed away... he would always be telling me not to cry, hell he even told me that at the funeral! It took him A LOT of conversations with me, fights and distance at times to TRY to understand how I was feeling. When my grandmom passed away he was way different, he was supportive and just there for me. With my dad's passing, poor thing at times doesn't even know what to do anymore. I could be fine one minute, and then find a supermarket receipt that my dad had laying around and I would just cry a river and then a freaking ocean... It's hard for them to see us go through so much, but if your husband is like mine, where he doesn't share certain emotions like sadness or concern, it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't feeling it. They just have no clue what to say or do at times. Well,at least this is what I've begun to understand with my husband.

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tiffanycrash

Mariemb we are so much alike in more ways then one. An your so right he doesn't know what to say or how to help. My husband was not cruel but insensitive to my feelings an what I was going thru when my dad passed. When my mom passed he was much better but still doesn't get it.

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Oh dear, "Insensitive" was my 2012 motto with my husband. I can't even begging to explain how many times I felt that. I knew that at times he didn't mean any harm, he just didn't know how to start helping me feel better. I would always cry, sometimes just shed a tear, others just cry my self to sleep. He would wake me up when I cried in my sleep, and sometimes he would be so frustrated at me, I actually apologized once for crying... that's when I realized things were just messed up with us.

Loosing a parent, then another one, and now another one ( I was raised by them all ) did make us grow stronger together. We just got married in December, A lot of people didn't understand why I wanted to get married so quickly after my grandparents death, heck even I didn't know at times why besides out of love. But, now I understand, and everybody understands that if I hadn't gotten married in December and wait till this summer ( like everyone suggested ), my dad wouldn't have been there with me... and that's something that I will always thank God for.

I am though, entering that melancholic stage where I wish with all my heart that the 3 of them, or at least one person who raised me, could meet my future children. My dad loved children, and I always imagined my dad holding my baby and just smiling and laughing... I don't know, there's just so many things that were left undone and unsaid with my dad :( I just wish one of them could be still here with me. I find my self asking God sometimes what I have done wrong in my life to have them all just taken from me in 11 months, I try to be humble, a good girl, a caring one.. and I just can't understand why this all happened.

Sorry, rambling.

M.

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tiffanycrash

Yeah I've gotten every good at crying! I am thankful God allowed to have your dad with you on one of the most special days of your life. I know how important that day is. Memories are something no one can take away from us. Maybe when you have children you could use one of their names to honor them our use parts out of each name. I'm not going to say oh they will be with you when this happens or when that happens ....OK yes I am maybe they will be.... but its not the as having them there in physical form. I too find my self questioning God, let me clarify I don't question if he exist I question what he's doing up there...sometime I think he may need my help :) no matter how much time we have there's never enough time to say all the things we want to say....you would always feel like you left something out or forgot something....there are so many "what ifs" but my momma use to say, " IF " a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its a** every time it hopped" OK I've got to try to close my eyes I hope you have a good night an a peaceful sleep

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Tiffany Oh my gosh you're mom was so funny! I'm going to use that saying from now on!

And yes, I do know that they will be there in spirit with me... and I also have that same questions " God, what are you DOING up there!?".. I guess I'll understand it as time passes on by.

I hope you have a better day today than yesterday..

M.

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tiffanycrash

Thank M. I am having a better day...how is your day?

Yes she was very funny... i remember sitting by her bed holding her hand and crying at the hospital the night of her surgery. (I wear my heart on my sleeve) she looked at me an said, here go wet my washcloth as i did she looked over at my brother an said do I need to give you something to do too...they just laughed

She has always kept a good sense of humor even with her disease. ..she an my bother had something called the crooked finger(my mom had rheumatoid arthritis that left her fingers deformed) he was say something smart an she would flick him off with the crooked finger...

Memories....... that all we have left huh?

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Hi Tiffany :)

Sorry I didn't respond yesterday, I did read though. It was my grandfather's 1 year Angel Anniversary yesterday.. So I spent most of the day cleaning/sleeping to try to take my mind off things.

Did you read one of my posts where I said that last year right after his passing I saw a bunch of ladybugs? Well yesterday, while I was outside crying my eyes out remembering everything that has happened since that day, a ladybug crawled up my foot :) I know it was him... I found peace for a while.

Memories... like you said earlier, it's something that nobody can take away from us, our your daughter, or anybody who had the enormous blessing of spending time with them. I say the same exact thing to my self when I find questioning why in the world my uncles and aunt's seemed to not even care about their parents when they passed away or when they were alive. All the did was fight over the little money my grandfather left behind, the house mewhere I grew up and still am living in, and they were trying to put my grandmom in a home.. but my mom and my uncle's widow( my aunty ) reminded me that I have all the special moments in my heart that they didn't want... I got to sing with my grandmom, I got to "dance" with her ( when I used to lift her up from the wheel chair to the bed I sang and we danced our way to her bed ) , made sassy remarks when I would change her pamper and make her laugh, play with her while bathing her in the shower like she did with me when I was a kid, singing a special song that I always looked forward to singing with her after the shower... laugh with and AT my grandfather when he pulled the " I'm a senior citizen I go first!" remark that he said wherever we used to go ( to the bank, the market etc ) , listening to him say a thousand times " I will sue you!!" lol... take apart and then put back together with a zillion different gadgets to the original electrical piece ( he made everything electronic, he was an electro-mechanical engineer) .. sorry, rambling again.. I was remembering all the good stuff.

My grandmommy also had a crooked finger, I remember she broke it once here at home and she just took a lolly pop wooden stick, a bandage, some tape, and wrapped it around her finger! It was hilarious.. she kept saying " why go to the doctors if this is what their going to do only fancier!" ..

How are you doing today? How are your kids doing? especially your daughter...

xoxo

M.

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tiffanycrash

Hey M. Sorry I didn't realize yestday was one year. I'm sorry you cried all day but I'm thankful the ladybug came to visit. I hope you are having a better day. I went out to see my stepdad and thats always bittersweet.

I don't mind your memories at all. The whole singing an dancing sounds wonderful. You were such a wonderful care giver. They were so blessed to have you. There's a difference in taking care of someone because you have to and doing it because you want to. Its clear thru your post you wanted to care for them. Theres something about reading someone else's memories it just makes me smile. I hear ya on the popsicle stick that's something my mom whould have done if she didn't have to she wasn't going. She said sick people go to the doctor and she didn't need their germs she have enough of her own :)

Sounds like your ants an uncle didn't know what was important in life. I've known a few people lie that. But you got something so special something more than they will ever have and its more valuable than anything monetary.

My daughter isn't doing to well. She misses her terribly. She was as probably as close to her as you were you grandmom. My mom use to tell me Ashleigh does it best she listens an doesn't hurt me. I'm hoping she will start volunteering somewhere to keep her occupied. She only has one year left of school and she's a honor roll student I don't want this to consume her.

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Tiffany,

It's ok don't worry about it :)

Your daughter... she really REALLY needs some form of distraction in her life. She was so used to taking care of your mum, that she must be feeling what I felt/still am " Who am I going to take care of now?" She sounds like an awesome girl with a HUGE heart, has she decided what she wants to study? if she wants to go into the medical field, maybe she can start by volunteering at clinics or hospitals, and have that use to her advantage later on in school.. that's what I did :) Does she like pets? she could start a small foundation helping shelters maybe? Or she could start small projects at home or for her self. My great grandmother taught me how to sew, so I made a TON of curtains for the whole house lol, re-arranged the living room and dining area.. I'm on a roll with this whole house wife thing while I find a job and a sitter for my Aunty L. Besides, it takes my mind off things, and I cry when I truly want to cry, instead of just siting down and having my mind go off to places where I don't want to go...

today was better for me when it comes to this grieving process.. I stood with my dad for a while ( his urn ), and felt warm all over.. so I know he's hanging around, just disagreeing with me and the changes I've made to the house lol.. how was it for you today?

M.

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tiffanycrash

Yes she awesome. Ive never met another young lady that would tell her friends no I don't want to go my Grammy needs me tonight an she would stay there. I tried and tried to get her to stay home more with us but she would just say I wanna stay with gram. Then it got to her staying with my mom more than she was home. Ash enjoyed being there an doing things with her. They had their own special bond. I was only able to go out to her house a 3 or 4 days a week so Ash did a lot. My stepdad helped out too but he walked around in a fog not wanting to admit how bad she was getting. She wants to go into the medical field she definitely has the brains to do it. I'm just worried about her giving up on her dreams now

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You're afraid of her giving up her dreams because of everything that has happened.. my biological mom has the same fear for me.

She reminded me of something during my dad's funeral.. which I think is going to help your daughter out... so I'll just quote what my mom told me..

" Always remember that you are ALL of them. You're heart, your spirit, the way you think, your values, all of that is THEM 3.. they're not gone, YOU ARE THEM, because you are THEIR legacy. Your grandfather taught you how to live an honest life, how to stand up for your self, your grandmother taught you how to love, how to care and have compassion for others, and your dad taught you how to be strong, how to listen to others... so they're not gone, they poured everything they had into You, the memories, the laughter, the lessons in life.. They will still keep on living through you, so you have to reach your dreams, because your dreams are their dreams as well... for you, for your happiness" ...

Quoted exactly, I will never forget what she said.. those words helped me "come back".. and I hope they'll help you too...

xoxo

M.

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tiffanycrash

M. Wow!!!! Thank you for sharing that it gave me chills!!! I will share that with her. She has so much of my mom in her its scary.

I didn't get to finish my last post **stupid phone LOL

Im glad you are able to have your dad with you. That's how it was supposed to be with mom. If this whole process has taught me anything its put everything in writing!!!

As far as my day.....

my stepdad called an asked us to come out so we did. He gave Ash my moms lap top an gave me a few things. I cleaned the house an made sure he had clean clothes an something to eat. Its so sad watching him. He goes around spraying my moms perfume. The house is the same he hasn't changed a thing. He even came home from the hospital an put her clothes back in the dresser like he was waiting for her to come home. I hated leaving him today but I can't stand to be there either. He was crying when I left and I cried all the way home not because I was sad about my mom but because I was sad for him. He had dreams of her coming home from the hospital and the taking the RV an driving off into the sunset. You know I don't remember losing my dad hurting this bad...maybe it did an I just blocked it out....

Anyway I think you have found you calling in life an that's to take care of people. You're aunt is blessed to have you. there are so many families that would have put her in a home.

Well goodnight an God bless

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