What to do?

[Deesgirl]

I'm wondering if anyone can offer some advice -

I've been invited to a friend's wedding next month, someone I value dearly although we have not seen each other in quite some time. She is one of my favourite people in this world. Her wedding happens to be 2 days following the date of Danny's death. Whereas in the months following his passing, I could not bear to be part of joyful occasions like weddings, that has changed for me recently - I have a sense of happiness for others.

My hesitation and anxiety lay in attending this wedding solo. The majority will be couples, most of whom I don't know, and the wedding is a weekend event since it is taking place up North. So, not only will I be alone, but I won't be able to simply leave if it gets too uncomfortable and awkward. I'm torn because I want to be there for her but I don't want to be in a situation where I feel out of place and nowhere to go... not to mention how much I will wish Danny were with me, unsure of how I will feel emotionally and thinking of him at every moment since he also loved this couple and would have absolutely loved the experience of being up North for a weekend... I don't know, I don't think I can do it..

Help - what would you do?

[dsmurph]

It is really completely up to you. What one person may do, another may absolutely not do yet. I do find though that, for me, when I have made myself do certain things with people who I know are not judging me and whom I know love me, I end up really having a surprisingly nice time. But, that is my experience. Only you know what you are ready for. We did go on a trip to the area that our daughter grew up in. We went to see people who knew her and loved her. It was a 10 hour drive. We stayed with some of our friends. I did have 1 breakdown in front of everyone and had to go to bed, away from everyone. But, we knew this trip needed to be done. It was something we felt we had to do. We do not regret it. We were glad to return back home. But, we spent the first day back crying all day. Back to our reality. Best wishes.

[Caremal]

For me my first trip was a memory lane. I went to places my husband and I went to often. I then went to visit a friend and his family and it was so good even thought I knew others there I did not know many. I then after leaving that visit I went on to see my friends and family and it was easier for me to have started with a few ad then on the same trip see my BIG family. I really found it to be a good experience for me. The one thing I found hardest on that trip was (it was my birthday – and it worked out that was when I went,) was going out for a nice sea food meal and sitting along. I HATE to go out to eat alone. I hope for you – the choice will come to you and that whatever you decide, is the correct one for you.

[rkh3]

I have a similar situation coming up. My daughter is getting married in August and I'll be attending solo. It will be odd as both of his parents will be there. I am very happy for her but I will be trying to pretend the obvious, my wife not being there, is not an issue.......it will be.

[Lester]

I hope you can go for it. One of the things I have learnt is that when I do something or meet up with someone or a group it is invariablty better than I thought. As you say, this person is your friend, you have a sense of happiness for others and people will understand.

You can always leave at some point or retreat to a hotel room, if that is something you want to do. Enjoy it but if you feel you can't go no problem and wish them well. I went to a wedding last year when my wife was ill on my own. It actually was good to chat to new people as well as the ones I knew. As ever, any seating plan will ensure you have a friend or a friendly couple or fellow solo to sit with. I also explained and didn't except till late in the day, they understood.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[John4802]

Hi Rich

Thought I would share a recent experience - although not quite the same. My daughter got engaged in May, 2012 with a wedding date of Feb, 2013. My wife and I went to every appointment, dress shopping, basically everything associated with the wedding. We were thrilled and loved her fiancé. Then in late Sept, my wife was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer which had spread to her lungs and liver. They could not identify the primary cancer. It affected her legs immeadiatly and she could only get around using a walker. This was a shock since she had participated in a triathlon in June,2012. With all of the chemo, shots, and other procedures, my wife could no longer do anything related to our daughters wedding. She cried often and anxiety was building steadily as the date was getting closer. My wife was worried about everything - how could she get to the bathroom, would she be able to walk, would she be sick on the wedding date. I told her to worry about fighting the cancer and nobody cared if she made it to the wedding. We would all understand. But I knew the wedding would not be the same if she were alive but dd not attend

She made it to the wedding in a wheelchair and was able to attend all of the functions. However, I am sure her anxiety level was through the roof. She fell the next day, was admitted to the hospital and an MRI confirmed that the cancer had spread to the brain. She died less than a month later.

I know you are concerned about attending your daughters wedding alone. However, if she were alive and fighting cancer with all of the side effects, you both would be spending every day wondering how she would feel on the big day. Everyone was wonderful to my wife at the wedding but I know she thought people were feeling sorry for her having lost so much weight and being stuck in a wheelchair. August is still 4 months away. You should really try and make it for your daughter and I do not think anyone will expect you to pretend that your wife not being there is not an issue. For example, if your wife were still here, would you feel any different if the guy's mother or father attended alone because the spouse had died?

Just my thoughts

[mgilbertson]

My daughter is getting married in July and her Daddy not being there will to say the least be quite obvious. Our son will be walking his baby sister down the isle and I'm sure will be a very emotional time for all. We're including him in a special way but will also try to stay focused on the true meaning and happiness of the day for my daughter and son in law to be. My husband was so excited about his baby girl getting married and loved her boyfriend, was so excited about all the plans for the wedding being made, but now he's not here and it's breaking my heart. I'm sure this will be a very bittersweet day for many of us, and I hope people will understand that we may have our moments. I never thought such a happy time could also be so sad.