Time

[Lostwithoutmum]

It’s April, I want time to race, as I desperately need to run so far away from the day mum passed away…I want that day to disappear somehow...And yet the more time passes, the bigger and scarier is the distance between this point of “living” and the last time I heard mum’s voice, moaned away to her about everything and nothing, tasted a dish she made especially for me, asked her to wish me luck and pray for me on important days of work/study, the last time felt her warm hug….

I don’t know what to do but I am literally stranded, dwelling on a painful borderline: no going backwards and no moving forward.. just going through cycles and hitting rock bottom again and again – the same agony, the same upheaval, the same whys, the same regrets of now - but also the same love and warmth of what feels like only yesterday, only now…

I don’t understand time…

Today on my way back from work, I noticed clusters of wild summer flowers that mum loved, I just felt like screaming ‘mama, mama’ at the top of my voice. Instead I got tearful, held the tears back, got furious at everything…got so fed up with life …what’s the point if I can’t see mum smiling?

I know there will be calmer times and there have already been - I sat on the balcony, near mum’s flowers and told her how much we love her and miss her, in a letter….I try to cope and I do sometimes, I don’t others…

I try to do what others do: one day, one hour at a time….I escape by sleeping..by trying to get busy..by thinking of better times, past times although it's so hard

Just miss mum terribly xx

x

[dsmurph]

I'm Sorry you have to go through all of this. Losing a loved one makes us look completely different at everything in life, everything. Nothing is the same and never will be. I get it, I understand. Blessings

[Lostwithoutmum]

dsmurph, thank you for your reply. I am very sorry about your Emily, your wonderful girl. I read some of your posts, they are inspirational. The bond between mums and daughters is just so special..

When you posted a photo of the fabulous rainbows when Emily passed away...I remembered that the sky looked so fantastic days before mum passed away...mum was helping dad plant a rose root that he got her...and I looked up and the sky looked covered with fluffs of cotton, like a cosy bed (I attach a photo I took then)......but I thought of nothing at the time...

So thank you for sharing your own photo, it gave me some consolation to think about it this way too x

You are right, nothing can be the same again, so it's all about learning how to live with the grief ....painful process but I know if I can do this - accept mum's physical absence - then I can face any other difficulty in life...mum makes me feel strong even now....I don't want to let her down, just miss her so so much...and I feel so helpless all the time, I was not prepared for her loss, and I still find it hard to comprehend....

x

[dsmurph]

Amazing Picture!!! Do you see the cherub face right in the middle? That was the first thing I saw. Truly Amazing. thank you for the beautiful words about my Emily. I was going for my walk today and thinking if only she had waited just a little longer, there would have been happier times. Oh how I miss her. But, I also know she is in such a beautiful place, with nothing but truth, glory, and unconditional love all around her. I still long for her though. blessings.

[Lostwithoutmum]

Thank you dsmurph - your words me bring comfort

This 'missing' our loved ones part is incredibly hard - Everyday I try to learn how to live with it, and everyday I do it afresh.

Keeping you and Emily in my thoughts x