My loss and my relationship(s)

[Lostwithoutmum]

It's been 38 days since I've lost mum, and I still ache so profoundly. My whole world revolves around this loss and I am going through endless cycles of pain, shock, denial, anger, guilt, missing her....

I function, like I go to work and I eat, but I feel I am only physically present, mentally adrift, emotionally drained. My partner of almost 10 years, who I had to live away from temporarily due to personal and work circumstances, has been greatly supportive. sometimes I say insane and irrational things...sometimes I try - and fail to - make sense of the life-altering experience, all the time thinking out loud when he is at the other end, sometimes I just get confused and withdrawn. He feels my pain, listens tirelessly and encourages me.

In short, he has expressed his love to me in the most selfless way that I needed/still need. I love him more than ever.

My problem is that I am not my old self anymore, simply because my old self is past, ... . My mum was a hugely positive influence on my life and losing her stripped me of that 'old self'. I feel that complete happiness is an unattainable dream now - I do smile sometimes but it's just that, a smile.

I don't know if my relationship has changed forever but I know I am changed forever...

I know I should ask my fiance about things that are meaningful to him, too, but at the moment I can't. I love him with all my heart but I told him that I didn't want the year of losing mum to be the same year we get married (it was supposed to be) and he said it was fine and I could take my absolute time..I sometimes even mentioned insane things that he would be better off with a more carefree woman but he refused categorically and I would also hate losing him ..it's unthinkable, I just think am losing the plot to be honest

I just don't know if I am being unfair on him, but he's the only one I can open up to, especially that my family are grieving, and at work I try to put on a brave face but it kind of makes it harder when I get back home, and mum is not here ....it's like the tension accumulates and I end up venting to him all the time....

Is it normal to act like this? Does anyone who experienced a similar situation think it's normal, and when were you able to take an interest in other things than grief? At the moment I don't even want to...

I intend to get a diary and just write down all my thoughts..Being here has also helped a lot

Thank you in advance for reading x

[widower2]

Hi and first off, there really isn't a "normal" in grieving, but absolutely yes your feelings are common (if you browse around the posts I think you'll find this). Glad that you have your partner who clearly truly loves you as he's acting like someone who loves someone else is supposed to (supporting, understanding, etc). There are no set timelines and it varies for everyone, but you can probably count on a fair number of months until you can begin to regroup, so let yourself feel whatever you feel. It should gradually ease though.

I think a journal is a good idea; it helped me and many others I've talked to....best to you in this dark time and vent here any time, that's what it's for Until next

[ModKonnie]

Hi,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mother. Your need to vent at your fiancee is perfectly normal because you are closest to him. It will take a while for you to begin to feel like taking an interest in things other than grief. You've suffered a profound loss, and it's totally okay to be feeling all sorts of things, including fear, anger, anxiety, depression, and many other emotions.

Writing here and keeping a diary is a great idea. We will be here to listen to you. Where do you work? Are there any grief and loss groups in your area you could join?

ModKonnie

[Lostwithoutmum]

Dear Widower and dear Mod,

Thank you both for replying. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Widower, you are right, I know there’s no fixed pattern, or an expectation when it comes to grief – there’s nothing neat about the process, it’s like having being struck by an earthquake that turns life upside down, then experiencing the tremors afterwards..One never knows when they hit again, how hard but in a way one becomes immune to worry – everything precious has already been taken, everything is shattered into a million pieces…

I come here and just read sometimes, and I feel sad by everyone’s loss – I re-live my own….this is the first loss of a close family member:

.

Mum survived a heart surgery and was out and about within a week, and lived so actively for some 18 more years but then this…

Today, I was OK and I wrote mum the first letter (well the second after mother’s day card, on the 21^st of March here)..I told her about what I did today and how I feel…...sometimes I walk into her room, I talk to her and ask her if she likes my hairdo,I ask her to wish me luck and just pray for her to be safe and happy where she is…

Strange, the things I do to comfort ‘MYSELF’ I keep thinking she's away and she will be back,….I just find it hard to ‘accept’ things.

Thank you again for 'listening' - this is a long post isn't it? x