How do I deal with death and the frustrations of stress from death?

[ksam]

My name is Kelley. I am 24 years olad.

I lost my Mumszy on May 30th, at 5:27pm.

I lost my mother from a car accident that occurred on May 29th.

I will begin with that morning. I got up early around 6am and prepared for the day. I remember walking out to the living room and seeing my mom, asleep on the couch and she looked so tired. So I did not bother to wake her and continued to get ready for the day. I ended up waking up my younger sister and we got ready, we continued to notice my mom was still sleeping and figured "hey, lets crawl back into bed."

I was laying in my sister;s room and my mom walks and says, "girls are you ready?" I lifted a blanket I was under to show I was dressed and ready to go. My mom said "Oh, I'll be ready in a few." I told her, "Take your time, no rush."

We ended up leaving within 30 mins, I was the driver and as we are driving away from the house, we (mom, sister, and I) see our dad outside, my mom waves happily at him.

I get on the road and I hate it so much to this day, that I cannot remember the conversation I had with my Mom that morning. But, we were talking and she lit a cig and handed it to me. I take a quick puff and we are on our way.

As we pass a gas station and drive over a hill, I noticed a Maroon Tahoe with tinted windows was speeding. So, I slow down and say to my mom "Gosh, its women like her, that give us women bad names as drivers."

We go over another hill and the speed limit is 55, increasing to 65. But, on top of the hill I notice there was horses crossing the road, so I slow down. As I am approaching the animals, I notice a donkey was the crossing the road. So I slow down more and turn my warning signal lights on. I then look into my rear view mirror and see the Tahoe speeding, I double tap on my brakes to warn the driver: "Slow down"

In the back of my mind, I am guessing 2 mins top, "Get off the road, Get off the road." Yet, the other part of me was thinking, "Oh the driver will slow down.'

But, I begin to slow down more and attempting to proceed to get off the road and my mom was pointing to get off the road. She said she wanted to chase the horses away from the road and took her seatbelt off. There were other horses playing wildly on the side of the road and they made a jolt to run in front of the vehicle. I slowed down even more and when that happened, we were hit.

The impact was great. It sounded like a loud thunder and I look to my right. I see my mom fly forward and hit her head on the dashboard and she screams, "Oh Kelley." To this day, it breaks my heart hearing how scared and frightened she sounded.

After that moment, I though, "oh we were hit and that's it." The vehicle started to slowly roll over and I hear the metal scrapping on the road and I see my mom flip with the vehicle: she goes upside down and the vehicle becomes upright again, She comes back down...I can hear my sister screaming in the backseat...My mom goes back upside down and the vehicle comes upright and I hear a suction noise and I see my mom, her body is folded in half and she flies out the window.

The only thing that comes to my mind was "Oh, God, This is like Maria (a friend I lost from a car accident)...This is bad."

I am sitting there still waiting for the vehicle to settle....FINALLY, it does.

I look at the passenger seat my Mom was sitting and it was empty. I look to the back seat to see if my sister was still there...empty. I get out of the vehicle screaming, "Mom....Mom....Mom." It was weird, but my body seemed to know where to run to.

I see their bodies on the ground and I run to them, I look over them quickly and I run to the road screaming, "Somebody help me...help me....anybody." A lady runs up to me and I tell her my mom is hurt really bad. She said she called 911 and I ran back to my mom and sister.

I looked at my sister and her body is caught on barbwire...her body was compulsing...and then, she stopped breathing. I wanted to move her and yet, I kept telling myself, I don't want to hurt her if I do and what if something else is wrong with her that could escalate if I move her. So I didn't touch her and then she started breathing.

I looked at my mom and her right shoe was missing. Her yellow shirt was stained with blood. There was blood on her legs and her breathing sounded horrible....she had blood coming from her mouth and there was bubbles. She had a massive gash on her forehead and blow kept flowing from it. I didn't want to move her either.

So I sat there...crying and telling them I was sorry. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I could not do anything for them and I had to keep going from my mom to my sister.

People begin to show up and I look over my sister and I thought, we need to move her out of the barbwire. I asked a few people to help me. We move her, but she was so caught in the barbwire, that I had to put it out of her skin.

As for my mom, I didn't know what to do. I kept holding her hand and despite how much I wanted to pray...I couldn't even pray.

My sister survived, She had to get surgery. My mom, she fought a hard battle. I stayed with my sister that night and kept an eye on her and ended up the next day driving to the next town to see my mom. Walking into her room, she was hooked up to the life support system. I evaluated her body....broken left leg, gashes and stitches on her right leg, broken right arm, shattered spinal cord, and the gash on her forehead....I hate that gash...I hate still being able to see it.

My family was there and all I could do was cry and tell her sorry and that I loved her so much. Despite she was unconscious every time we talked to her, tears would fall from her eyes.

We ended up making the decision to take her off life support. 5:37 pm...her heart was at a flat-line.

I watched as they put my mom in a body bag and take her away. All I was left with was a bloody sheet.

I hate that I saw everything my mom went through. From talking to her that morning, to hearing her say "Oh Kelley" to seeing her missing shoe and the blood flowing from her head and the stupid ugly breathing her body was making to breathe, to evaluating her body damages in the hospital and being left with nothing but a bloody sheet.

I am the 3rd oldest and the oldest of the girls. My mom had 8 children, 4 boys and 4 girls.

After the accident, sleeping was impossible. I would awake crying and not realize I was crying.

I attempted to help my family out and after awhile, I wasn't feeling alive anymore. I shut everyone out and that resulted in my family being angry with me.

Losing my mom has wrecked my family. Everyone split apart and I am left taking care of younger sister, who recently had her baby. It hurts so much having to deal with everything life can throw at me. My sister I am taking care of her has issues with her ex who is completely demanding, overbearing, and his family is just as much the same as he is.

I am in school and I know I need to drop out because I can't keep up. Stress upon stress has frustrated me and left me feeling so alone...

I have PTSD and I am seeking counseling.....I know embracing what happened to me will help, its just the images of the accident, certain sounds, dreams, or just normally during the day the accident comes to mind, etc....whenever it occurs I do not know how to deal with it. I write it and allow myself to emerge into the dark cloud of it, yet...I am still left with how am I suppose to deal with this for the rest of my life because its always going to be with me.

I hate knowing that feeling and its so cruddy not having my momma. She was an amazing woman who always helped everybody and did anything for us kids. And with how my family has shut out my sister and I....we don't have anybody. It hurts knowing and accepting the fact, that we do not have anyone who will give a damn about us and care for us the way our mother did. We do have people who have helped us, but its not the same...its part of the reason why I miss my mom very much.

I love her so much.

[dsmurph]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom in such a tragic way. You are forced to deal with the harsh realities of life and death at such a young age. I'm sure your Mom would want you two to look after each other, always be there for each other. This is a lonely walk, I'm sorry you have to go through it. Take care of each other. Other people have a hard time understanding your pain because they may have never felt it. That is really unfair, but, that seems to be a common trait with people. Just remember to not close each other out. You are the only 2 who really understand each others pain. Help each other get through.

[ModKonnie]

KSAM,

I am so very sorry about the tragedy that took your mother's life. Yes, it sounds like you are dealing with PTSD. Others in your family are more than likely still reeling from their loss of her, too.

You can help each other by talking to each other. Tell others how you feel. It is good that you are going to counseling. That will help. When you are dwelling on the awful memories of that situation, do you ever try to "go to a different place" and instead think of a positive memory of your mother?

If you drop out of school--then what? Would it be better if you cut back on school? What do you think your mother would tell you about dropping out of school?

Honestly, when I am completely stressed and can't take anymore--I go to the gym or go for a walk or listen to music and clean my house. Doing something physical will release the necessary brain chemicals that will help you deal with the stress.

Also, writing down a paragraph or two each day about how you feel and why may help you sort through some of your feelings. Or, if you don't like to write, perhaps a video journal in which you record yourself may help you.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[ksam]

Thanks for the support and words, it really does mean a lot

I don't dwell on the memories or images of the accident as much as I use to. Nowadays, these images or memories flush back to me when I am doing daily things. Which, when it does flash into my mind, I write out what I was doing and time of day, etc...And question myself, why did I think about this?

From there, I allow myself to submerge into it. I allow my mind to flutter through the images and feelings. I do this because it helps me flow and acknowledge the pain. Afterwards, I tend to think about my mom and it becomes a bit sad, then I pep myself back up and allow myself to feel that "I am lucky to be alive." I view the whole situation as a shadow...something that will constantly follow me throughout my life. I don't like this feeling and I feel that I must embrace this shadow because it has become apart of me and will shape me into something even more. My problem overall is dealing with accepting this and transitioning into acceptance of this horrible experience.

I found an awesome quote and it has helped me on those days that are tough:

"It has been said that the greatest souls awaken through suffering. Suffering is not always a curse. Darkness shows us aspects of ourselves that need work, which may not have been exposed to us if the Universe had not sent this suffering in the first place. The greatest prayer you could make would to not ask the Source or Universe to take the suffering away from you, but to instead have faith that everything that happens in your life is only happening to stimulate your spiritual evolution. Thank the Universe for sending you that suffering to help you grow and evolve, both spiritually and emotionally. All experience is a blessing and happens for a reason, so don't be afraid to feel it and learn from it."

As for dropping out of school, I feel I need to. I don't have the energy or motivation to partake in it. I hate giving up, but its what seems like I need to do to work on myself more. I am not sure what my mom would think, she always pushed me with school and accomplishing my goals. Before she passed though, I kept saying I wanted to take a break from school. She said I should, but I kept striving and now...with the load of stress, I am burnt.

After my mom passed, I did turn to books about meditation, prayer, dealing with grief...and I picked up on yoga again and started running....It helped me tremendously with myself and now, it slipped away. It doesn't work as much...and thats when I started counseling. Counseling helps, but I feel and seemed to know that, yes, counseling will help, but I am still left with this ugly experience. Which, reverts back to accepting and embracing.

I am not sure where to go from there because I am struggling with accepting this experience and knowing this experience will always be with me for the rest of my life. Its not comforting knowing this and I despise knowing this.

Thank you all so much for offering you advice and am open & willing to try any advice. I am also here to help anybody too. I feel that everything is connected in all small and major matters to help one another. I greatly appreciate the words and support.