Doesn't feel real?

[IMISSTAO]

I lost my husband recently. It doesn't feel real. I can't believe it. I keep imagining him holding me at night in bed so I can sleep. He traveled a lot in his business, so I just keep pretending he's on a trip. But I KNOW he's not coming back. But I can't convince myself to accept it. I cried for the first 4 days straight, and now there are so many decisions to make and distractions, I am still not thinking about it, but I am now sick. Physically sick, most of the day. I feel guilty for not crying. I feel so nauseous all the time and I just want to lay down and do nothing. But I have two small kids and I have to get up and keep going. I got scared that I stopped crying. Why am I not crying?!?!! Why do I feel so sick? I almost fainted in the grocery store, and when I eat food, I get heartburn. When I don't eat, I am nauseous. I am scared a lot of the time, too. Is any of this normal?

[mielhall]

It's all normal. The first couple of weeks after my wife died it was a struggle to eat, sleep, shower, etc... The depression keeps me from doing the things I know I need to do and the one person who could kick me in the butt to get moving is no longer here. I did find that eating decent meals helped - beef jerky and popcorn weren't getting the job done. You DO need to take care of your kids - letting them know things are going to work out is very important. I would suggest you contact your local Hospice and get into a support group. I did that right after my wife's death and it really helped me to talk things out.

I know it sounds like a cliche but it will get better with time. Just try to get by hour-to-hour, then day-to-day. This is a good site to vent your frustrations to people who have been where you are. Maybe not all the advice you see here will be right for you but you WILL find something to help you get through the days. Hang in there.

[IMISSTAO]

I will try to find a group. I've been scared to go because if I go it means it's real. I know it is real, but I am scared. I put my kids in therapy already ... maybe I will ask her for a referral.

Thank you for replying and I am glad it is normal. The shakey, sick feeling is almost too much to bear. I wish I would just cry instead! At least it would be a release. This just feels horrible.

I will make myself go find a group this week.

[needy]

Imisstao, I know exactly what your feeling. It is completely normal. First things first. You need to drink some water and try some antioxidant juice. Try having some soup. My mind was so screwed up I would forget to eat and drink, I posted a reminder on my fridge and would check it off. You said you almost fainted in the grocery store, I did. Very lucky I didn't hurt my head.

I am sure you had people ask you if there is anything they can do for you. Take them up on it. Ask them to go for walks with you. The fresh air will do you good and you will have someone with you just encase you feel like fainting.

Take it step by step.

[SteveinSTJ]

Please see your doctor. You seem to be having anxiety attacks, which are horrible. A simple prescription can make a huge difference. You need to regain your appetite and take care of yourself mentally and physically. You do not have to suffer. Losing someone is bad enough, anxiety attacks make it so much worse. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

[rkh3]

I was a mess after my wife died and I finally responded to one of the offers by hospice for counseling. While I didn't find that very helpful she suggested I see my PCP for meds. I now take an anti-anxiety med and one for depression. The depression med I take every day, the anti-anxiety one only when I need it, which is sometimes daily, I have a very stressful job too.

These meds have made a big difference in my life. Suggest at a minimum you make an appointment with your PCP. He can also suggest a counseler if you want.

[John4802]

Hi rkh3

I just lost my wife of 40 years last Sunday and I am also a mess. Just does not seem like anything is worth doing anymore. I did make numerous appointments for grief counseling and my first one is tomorrow. During her fight with cancer, my wife was taking adavan for anxiety which at least helped her calm down and sleep. I am thinking of trying this but do not want to get hooked on anything. I have never gone to counseling in my life so not sure how that will go. Did you do one on one or group? Y

Thanks

[IMISSTAO]

I found a group and I went one time so far. Felt good to have people know how I felt, but weird to share. I will go again, though, because I need something.

I am still sick a lot of the time, but I am eating, just not a lot. My sister is now living with me and making me take vitamins and extra magnesium for my nerves. Not sure if it is helping, but she says it will, so I am doing it. I do have anxiety a lot, but she is also making me go to yoga which I just don't want to do, but I feel better after I go. I should probably go on my own. It makes the emotional pain more physical pain, and that is better than the gaping hole I feel. Sleeping is a nightmare, though. I can't sleep well and resist going to bed because I know it is going to be a struggle. I just wish he was with me and I feel so profoundly alone. I have a dog and I have been letting her sleep with me in bed because otherwise I just won't sleep, but even then, I still hate it. I put my kids in therapy. I know I should be able to talk to them about it, but I just can't. All I can say to them is, "I miss him, too." There therapist is super amazing and they seem to have it together better than me, but I am scared they are having a 'delayed response' because he traveled so much. It scares me to think about it. I want so much to keep them safe, and I feel so unsteady.

I don't want to take medication because I am afraid I will get hooked, too, like John4802. I am so desperate not to feel so terrible that I think I would abuse it. My sister says I should try acupuncture. Not sure at all how that would help, but I could try it. I am so glad she is here. I would still be in bed with the covers over my head if she wasn't acting like a drill sergeant. She is helping me with all the financial stuff because she's a banker. I would be so lost without her and it makes me feel super lame, but I just can't get myself together some days. Some days are better, but night time is horrible. Anyone tried acupuncture?? Sleeping is rough!

We had the ceremony last week and it still didn't feel real to me. I was sad but the Reverend did make me feel comforted a little, somehow. I just miss him like crazy.

[dsmurph]

IMissTAO, I wanted to suggest an herb called Velerian Root. It is for nerves and may help you sleep some. It helps me a little. I get anxieties some. I take it when I feel real anxious and within 15-20 minutes I calm down some. It helps me for a short time at night. But, after a while I just wake up off and on throughout the night. I get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.