Talking about my husband

[Sammijo2424]

My grown children are my support, for the most part, in this time of deep mourning and grief. I have noticed lately they do not want me talking a lot about my husband, because of course, I cry and cry a lot, but I still want to talk about him, about what happened, about how confused I still am that he could walk into ER and be dead 12 hrs later. I want to talk about my pain and how I don't know what to do, how I see him everywhere, in their houses and mine, because we visited the kids often, how I think about him 24 hrs a day. They say I need to think of him, but I also need to take a break sometimes and try hard to think of other things, to try to figure out a way to get thru this. I know they are grieving also and maybe it is too difficult for them and to see so much pain coming from their Mama. Am i doing them wrong by leaning on them so much. I just don't know. I just know they tell me how good I am doing, maybe they just expected so much worse, they think this is good, but it just makes me mad when they tell me that, i want to scream....but I am not, my life is a nightmare, I just try to survive each moment. I find myself thinking when I am driving down the road...maybe the car will just tumble of this bridge, etc, actually hoping it will, somehow to escape this pain.

I know I am doing much better than I was in the beginning, I can laugh with grand kids, I can eat a little here and there, I still never have a hunger pain. I am not crying every second, then the guilt sets in and think...but Ron should be enjoying this too. My daughter said something yesterday that really helped. She said...Mom, I know you think Ron should be here to enjoy this, but think about where he is, all the beauty, happiness, no pain, no crying he has, now do you really think he would want to give that up to be here to enjoy taking the dog to the groomers. At first I said, he would just want to be where I am, then I thought, No, he is with God, in heaven, same place I want to be. That just helped me a little thinking about it in that way.

Friday will be 6 weeks he has been gone, I don't understand how that much time could have passed, without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his lips as we kissed, feeling his arms around me, but even though I do not like it, time still does march on. He was just so funny, made me laugh all the time. He could also be a grouch, especially when he was working nights, he could be soooo hardheaded and always had a problem saying I'm sorry, he found some other way to show it instead, he wanted me to wait on him, and him just lay on sofa, but no matter what.. I loved him whole heartedly.

[Lostwithoutmum]

Dear Sammijo, I am very sorry about your loss..I lost mum 31 days ago, and I feel like I am yet to begin grieving..you do need to unbottle your pain and emotions, open up to close friends here and in real life, and cry whenever you feel like it. You miss him terribly and this is the hardest experience ever...Your husband's memory will live on because you, people who love him, still carry him in your hearts and thoughts, and remember the wonderful times you had together.

I think your kids are concerned about you, they want their mum to be coping, because you are very important to them. You are their rock..I would give everything to have one more day with mum, and tell her how much she means to me...I am devastated she is not around.

I hope you are looking after yourself. Like others say, take one day, even one hour, at a time...I hope you have the strength you need to get through these incredibly hard times x

[Austykatie]

Hugs to you! I know what your feeling because Saturday will be 5 weeks since Jim passed. It's all so fresh and new in my mind! Twlking bout it is good even if it's venting on here! You need to sort through your emotions nd get them out. I think sometimes it's easier for others to move on with their daily life if they are not thinking about it every second like we are! My children wanted me to take all of the pictures of Jim down around the house, they said its to hard. For now I am being respectful but eventually I will want them back up. To me I live in the today and thy is it. Don't rush yourself along, take your time! It's all in what you need to get through this! Peace!

[kathyl]

Unfortunately some people cannot "handle" hearing about your loss .... I guess it makes them uncomfortable? I know I had the worst time when I felt like people were no longer willing or able to hear me talking about Jeremy. That is when I searched for a support group. I was able to talk with people who were not emotionally involved in my situation and it was just what I needed.

[Caremal]

Sammijo. hang in there I know it was and still it hard and going on `12 months for me. times helps it to not hurt so much. keep a record of the days is today better then yesterday - better then 4 days ago - maybe yes or maybe no. yet I know for me time really helped me so much.

was a time i just wanted someone to hold and cry on their shoulder - what i really wanted was my Ron and i could not have him . The heart takes a long time to know what the brain knew longer.

[Silvergirl61]

I agree with what Caremal says..it takes time, and a lot of it, to start feeling better. I still have bad days, and bad times on many days, after seven months. I'm not sure my heart is ever going to really let go, not yet. My daughters are grown, too. They don't like to hear me cry, and they don't like to talk about him much. My younger sister will listen, and she understands when i just have to say his name out loud. But talking about him here, or on my facebook, is really my better option.I also write to him in a special journal, and i find it helps me express what i'm feeling, and not just hold it inside until it breaks me. give yourself time, and just hold on...i hope it will get easier, in time.