Dont know what to do

[empirestate]

Hi, thought about signing up here for a while, took the plunge today, I guess I need to just let things out a bit.

I dont know what to do.

My fiancee died on August 31st 2013, he was 20, he was the most incredible person Ive ever met in my life, part of me is sad and dying inside, but part of me, wrongly maybe, is mad at him. He promised he'd never leave me, because he knows I cant do this without him, but he did.

We met in 2011, when I was at a really low point in my life, Id lost alot of hope, I was 21 when we met, and he was 18. I was very depressed and spent alot of time at home by myself, Im not the most social of people. We met online, and what grew between us was hard for us both, I thought I was gay but didnt know forsure, and he was straight. It was a complicated start but we realised that we were soulmates, and he changed my life. He gave me a reason to live, the first person who ever made me feel wanted, loved, or special.

We had our ups and downs as everyone does but it was the happiest time of my life, I have so many memories i just keep going over and over. I really think the Ed Sheeran/One Direction song little things is about us, it couldnt be more me and him, i listen to it often.

I cant stop thinking about him.

Every person i meet i compare to him, and noone comes close. I know he wouldnt want to see me this way, he'd want me to be happy, to love myself, to meet someone new and have a happy life. But that doesnt make doing it any easier.

You know whats stupid? I sometimes log in to his facebook or twitter and leave posts as him, or send messages to myself, just so when i go on my account i can see he's still there...thats sad isnt it? Why cant i let go, why dont i want to? How can i ever live my life without him, I dont like hearing the "he's with you" etc, neither of us were religious really, I see things as they are, and i see myself kinda screwed, what do i do? I dont know what to do anymore, the whole life we'd planned is gone.

Im so alone now, he was all i had, i dont really have friends, and no close family, he was everything i had

I watched "Be back soon" today, a film, I cried so much, a woman joined a service that could virtually bring her husband back, it read his facebook/twitter etc, even copied his voice from his videos, and called her...God how id love to hear his voice again

[5boysdad1]

So sorry for the loss of your fiance. Don't feel bad about being angry with him for leaving you. The bad days will get fewer and farther between. In the mean time, feel your feelings, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. Know that you are not alone. No one who has not lost someone close to them will be able to understand how you feel. So sorry you had to reach out to this group.