So alone

[kathyl]

I'm having a really rough weekend....

I thought I had plans with some friends for the weekend, but friends didn't message or call today like I thought they were going to. That made me realize just how alone I am in all of this. It has been 6 months - people don't just call anymore to see how I am doing - maybe they all think I should "get over it" or something? I don't feel comfortable reaching out to very many people - I'm afraid I'm going to upset them, or interrupt them, or make them feel obligated to help me. I don't have very many close friends, especially here since I only moved here 3 years ago. Jeremy's Mom lives close, and checks up on me regularly but I feel like she is only doing it because she feels like she HAS to, and not because she wants to.

Jeremy's Mom messaged today to ask about Easter dinner. I thanked her for the invitation, then explained that I had another invitation already, but I wasn't really sure if I would be going anywhere. Jeremy's birthday is the Thursday before Easter, and I am already dreading the thought of it, as well as the thought of not having a grief support meeting until the beginning of April. I thought I had some of this under control, but obviously without that group meeting, I am just a mess

I hate the person that I am without Jeremy. I hate being so hurt, and in so much pain, and just not happy at all. I miss the way he could make me laugh no matter what, I miss the confidence I felt in myself when he was nearby, and I hate just knowing that he isn't here. I hate all of this.

[ModKonnie]

Kathyl,

Did you follow up with your friends about the weekend plans? They may have thought you weren't interested if you didn't call them. It's so hard to know how to help those who have just lost someone. People want to help, but then feel like intruders at times.

Make some set plans and do your best to go to them on Easter. Perhaps you should find someone to be with on Jeremy's birthday, like his mom.

Things will smooth out in time. Please know we will be there for you.

ModKonnie

[widower2]

kathy, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say I have no idea what any of that felt like, but I learned that people disappearing is amazingly common. Re Jeremy's mom, I say with great confidence nobody is "forcing" her to do this I know what you mean about feeling "obliglated" to some degree maybe, but still, I think she is ultimately doing it because she wants to.

Can definitely understand about being unsure on the Easter thing. I wish you the best with it - day/holiday at time and all -

[kathyl]

Kathyl,

Did you follow up with your friends about the weekend plans? They may have thought you weren't interested if you didn't call them. It's so hard to know how to help those who have just lost someone. People want to help, but then feel like intruders at times.

Make some set plans and do your best to go to them on Easter. Perhaps you should find someone to be with on Jeremy's birthday, like his mom.

Things will smooth out in time. Please know we will be there for you.

ModKonnie

I spoke to one friend late on Friday night and never heard from her on Saturday as planned. I spoke to another friend on Saturday morning who said she would message when she was done with an errand she had to run, and never heard from her until this morning when she messaged to apologize. I understand things happen, and I understand this is all part of my own pity party, but it makes me angry. I'm angry because they didn't do what they said they would, and I am angry because it just reminds me that I am completely alone.

I have plans to go out for dinner on Jeremy's birthday. When I asked these friends to go out, I explained that it was Jeremy's birthday. These are the best people I could possibly be with on his birthday - they are able to get me laughing (& crying)....and join me in both. I just hope things go as planned.

I don't think I can do Easter dinner. Neither Jeremy or I liked social situations very much, but felt that we were a good team and we did a great job handling them together. When I am in a social situation now, I just feel so very alone - I have no idea what to say to people, I have no idea how I would react to their looks of pity, and I will be on the edge of an emotional cliff anyways. I also know that the one invitation I received would be a small group of people completely avoiding talking about Jeremy, for fear of upsetting me. The other invitation is with a person I would be more comfortable with, one-on-one, but the invitation is to go to a big family dinner, where I would not know anyone and just feel very awkward about. I figure if I am going to feel alone on that day, I might as well BE alone, and at least be comfortable in my own house.

kathy, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say I have no idea what any of that felt like, but I learned that people disappearing is amazingly common. Re Jeremy's mom, I say with great confidence nobody is "forcing" her to do this I know what you mean about feeling "obliglated" to some degree maybe, but still, I think she is ultimately doing it because she wants to.

Can definitely understand about being unsure on the Easter thing. I wish you the best with it - day/holiday at time and all -

Thank you - I have never had much in the way of self-esteem, but the case of the disappearing friends is not helping matters at all! I was completely surrounded by help and support for a while and now it seems like it is all gone. I know that people said to call if I need anything, but I'm afraid to call or message in case I'm bothering them, or in case they are one of those people who don't feel comfortable with me talking about Jeremy. I feel like I'm pushing people away because I just cannot reach out to anyone right now, but I feel like I'm also pushing them away because I am not reaching out. It's a lose-lose situation

[Caremal]

kathy

My sugestion to you is to GO and BE with people as often as you can. Call your feinds or anyone and tell them you need to be with someone. Go to a group setting a church, a sports club, or sommunity event, and if you feel the need to talk about him do so. People will understand and if you don't want to people will understand that also. Might try a grief support group in person - I found them helpful. People can not read your mind so tell them you need them or they will stay away. His mom also needs YOU as she is missing him also. Sending you a hug

[val]

Hello, my name is Val. I haven't been on the grief boards in a bit...thought i was handling things better. But my Jerry passed 8 months ago now, and this morning is just hell. His birthday is this Wednesday... and I miss him so much. I have last years birthday card right here hanging in front of him... i am so glad i told him how much i love him and how he means the world to me.

I am sorry you are feeling so alone ... it has gotten a bit better for me by following advice on these boards.

Stay around people. They won't always call you.

Go to holiday functions, even though you'll cry (i did at least)

work, if you work. it's a distraction.

reach out.

share with others about your loss, helping other has been a great help to me.

PRAY

I send you prayers and hugs, Val xoxo

[widower2]

Hi val, good to 'see' you and well said - sorry you are facing one of "those days" though. tc, hang in there

[kathyl]

kathy

My sugestion to you is to GO and BE with people as often as you can. Call your feinds or anyone and tell them you need to be with someone. Go to a group setting a church, a sports club, or sommunity event, and if you feel the need to talk about him do so. People will understand and if you don't want to people will understand that also. Might try a grief support group in person - I found them helpful. People can not read your mind so tell them you need them or they will stay away. His mom also needs YOU as she is missing him also. Sending you a hug

Caremal - thank you for your response. I have been going to a grief support group, but the session ended. It will not start up again until the beginning of April. It has become apparent to me that I need that regular support right now and I am missing it lots!

I have a hard time because I really don't know too many people around here. I have very few friends and really don't want to be a burden on them. I do keep in contact with them regularly, and try to suggest stuff to do but I get so disappointed when they are not able to go, for whatever reason.

His Mom grieves totally differently than I do. She tends to sweep things away like if she ignores it, it will go away. She has come over a couple of times and ended up breaking down, most likely because she is not allowing herself to grieve regularly. I just find it so hard....but we are going out tomorrow evening.

Hello, my name is Val. I haven't been on the grief boards in a bit...thought i was handling things better. But my Jerry passed 8 months ago now, and this morning is just hell. His birthday is this Wednesday... and I miss him so much. I have last years birthday card right here hanging in front of him... i am so glad i told him how much i love him and how he means the world to me.

I am sorry you are feeling so alone ... it has gotten a bit better for me by following advice on these boards.

Stay around people. They won't always call you.

Go to holiday functions, even though you'll cry (i did at least)

work, if you work. it's a distraction.

reach out.

share with others about your loss, helping other has been a great help to me.

PRAY

I send you prayers and hugs, Val xoxo

Thank you Val. I am sorry you are having a difficult time too. The firsts of everything are horrible, aren't they?

Work is a wonderful distraction, and was exactly what I needed to get me out of the horrible space I was in this weekend.

I want to attend holiday functions....but I want to attend them with my family, where I know they will understand and support me no matter what. I guess I just don't feel comfortable enough around these other people who have invited me; however, my sweet mother has almost solved that for me. She messaged today to ask me to come home for Easter. When I explained that I just don't have enough time off to make the 12 hour drive there and back in 3 days, she suggested that we meet halfway. We will only be spending 2 days together, but I think it is just what I need right now. I haven't seen any member of my family since Christmas, and feeling so alone is made worse when I am homesick!

I was going through a wonderful grief program, that reminded me each week that I was not alone, and that I needed to pray....and since it stopped, it is as if I have forgotten to do my "homework". I really need to continue doing that in order to keep my sanity! Thank you for the reminder.

[widower2]

kathy, unless you live in a pretty remote area, there should be other support groups and/or counselors around, might want to check those out-?

[Austykatie]

kathy, unless you live in a pretty remote area, there should be other support groups and/or counselors around, might want to check those out-?

I have had a hard time finding them in my area and I live in the cities.. I want to go to one soon!

[widower2]

Really? Do internet searches or call the local hospitals (ask for hospice) or maybe nearby funeral homes might have info....

[mielhall]

Our local Hospice has several support groups that could help - I did one that lasted 8 weeks but they have some that run longer.

[kathyl]

Most of the support groups that come up when searching for a local group are not, in fact, local. They are all between 20 and 50 miles away. The ones that are offered right here seem to be offered in the middle of the day which I cannot do because of work. Others are finished their sessions as well and there are no new sessions listed as starting soon. The session that I was in was 20 miles away, and that was okay but I can't do that more than once a week because I just end up too tired, and being exhausted makes things naturally worse

I did do some research on the Psychology Today website, and have sent an email requesting information from a counsellor that is fairly close. I hope I hear something soon.

In the meantime, today was a pretty good day, especially considering I was diagnosed with a respiratory infection, sinus infection and ear infection in both ears last night. That explains some of the way I have been feeling the past little while! Hopefully I will be able to sleep (or at least rest) and get better!