Jump to content

Precious mum has gone, and I can't take it


Lostwithoutmum

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I'm so sorry for your loss - if you do decided you want to share, pls feel free - that's what this site is about -

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lostwithotmom-I can totally relate to how you feel . I am going through the same. I don't know if life will ever be the same. I so wish I could be the happy carefree person I once were. I so miss that old life. It's 6 months since my loss and I am unable to be happy. And I was such a happy person before. I pretend to be ok and happy but truly I am not. Hope things will get back to the same old some day.

Why did you delete your message??it would have been comforting for others going through the same. You had put it down so well.

Take care

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lostwithoutmum

Thank you for your replies, and I am so sorry about your loss Anamika.

Anamika, the void is massive isn't it? I also wish you lots of strength to get you through these hard times x

I know I sound - and I am - irrational but I deleted the message because I felt like I needed to make sure mum's gone first....it's like I am still in denial. Insane I know but everyday I pray that this is just a nightmare but it's been so long. Reality has started to hit hard..

This site is really a source of support and only here did I manage to pull up the courage to open up...At work, I try to suppress my pain, and get distracted... It's difficult for someone who did not experience grief to comprehend the intensity of my loss and the emotional wreckI have become..And in all honesty, I feel sensitive, maybe overly so, like when a colleague mentioned plans for Mother's Day shopping, my eyes instantly watered but I held back the tears. I didn't want to put my feelings on show and I didn't want to be unfair...After all, she has her mum and she has every right to treasure their times together...but I felt angry inside and I missed mum even more...this is going to be the first mother's day without her. I have already decided on the gift and flowers and I know it will be so heartbreaking not to see her smile, and not to taste her food, but I hope she wil be smiling wherever she is...

I will try to put all my energy in work...I have started writing and read some great quotes about dying by Steve Jobs....

I also looked at mum's photos and she looked beautiful, and I asked her to give me patience, and I know she will...My sister and I put some lemon flowers in her room...she loved flowers and nature

Hope tomorrow is - even a little bit - easier for all of us. Tomorrow morning marks exactly a month since she left us xx

Thank you again for listening and thinking of you and your loved ones xxx

Night

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for all of your losses! I feel te pain in each and every one of your post. My mom has been gone 6 mths, and I hurt so deep.

Like you, I am so angry at people who talk about their Mothera Day plans around me. This will also be my first. I know this day will be even more difficult than what tomorrow, or yesterday was. I am so lonely.

I pray for peace, strength, and guidance as we all deal with our losses.

Hugs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lostwithoutmum

Dear Rms, my heart goes out to you...and to everyone who lost a dear one. It's the hardest experience ever, it's surreal ...Take your time grieving, I relate...

Today I looked at family photos, much happier times! I even smiled and got excited re-living those memories. Then grief struck back, it's overwhelming at times..I felt guilty I smiled, then I thought noooo my mum's presence, even through memories, IS comforting and much cherished, why shouldn't I smile? Mum knows I love her to bits even though I did not always tell her that...

When you love someone so dearly, you keep feeling that whatever you did for this person, it was not good enough, and it will never be...if I had the chance to live with mum more, and I got to do all I wanted to do together, I would still regret not doing even more.....

I panick uncontrollably when I think of her being on her own, I block my mind from thinking....I can't make sure she's comfortable in bed, she is not hungry, she is not sad, I can't ask her to wish my luck on important days, and this kills me...mum was a real giver, a mum..the highlight of her day would be us saying how much we enjoyed her cooking, she never asked for much and this hurts even more...

I can never forget how she worried when I had a slight headache or minor cold, she would not rest till I - a 36-year-old woman - felt better..and now I feel like I let her down...I trusted drs and did not fight enough, did not ask them questions, they said she was recovering but I should have researched more, I should not have left a stone unturned....but mum going was beyond belief...I would get angry with myself if the thought that she was seriously ill even crossed my mind...and here I am dealing with her loss...

I miss her so much, today my neighbour broke down in tears ...she told me how kind mum was, how proud of her girls she was....I never told mum how lucky I am to have had her in my life but I think mums know

I feel like a different person all the things that used to occupy my mind no longer do, I don't care about I getting married to the man I love anymore, I don't care about getting promoted at work, i don't care cause my happiness is incomplete without mum, and will always be so but I would like to think she is watching over us, and I want to do what makes her happy. I want to honour her memory as long as my heart beats...

I hope tomorrow brings some tranquility to all our grieving hearts...I keep asking mum to give me patience and I know she will...

Thinking of you all x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Losteithoutmum,

So much of what you're sayin hits home to me tonight. Tonight is 6 months, that's half a year!! I am never going to understand why you and I felt so guilty. My story is so similar to yours,..

Even getting engaged! My fiancé proposed to me while mom was here, after her surgery. She was soooo happy, and excited, she had never been to the beach!! Being a single mom, we grew up with not a lot of money. Mom never had a vacation :(

2 months later, we buried her. I was suppose to marry this year, but have pushed it back Til next year. What is suppose to be the happiest day f my life, will now be a sad day...

Had I known when mom complained of the "soreness" and foul smell, she wouldn't have gotten staph. Or we could have stopped it.. Coulda, shoulda, woulda!!! I do think in the end, it was simply their time to go. We can't stop fate.

Hugs to you!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lostwithoutmum

Dear Rms,

Thank you for replying and so sorry about your own loss. Is this your mum in the photo? She looks like a wonderful person.

You know Rms, we want to give out dearest quality time but believe me quality time sometimes is just the laugh you shared, the happiness you gave her when you got engaged...but I know what you mean. However we pay them back, they still deserve more....and there will always be 'I wish' and 'if only'

Your mum will be watching over you, she will be proud of you on your wedding day. It must be a relief to you that your mum got to meet, and liked, your finace..My mum met mine too.

For me, it's 31 days today...but I imagine it will take me a lifetime to learn to live with our losses....our mums will always be remembered and much loved because they are special x

Hugs back Rms,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
stillsad2013

I don't know how I came to this site, but I read your posts and it feels like I'm reading my own story. My mom came to live with me 4 years ago because she couldn't live on her own any more. I always told people she had Alzheimers because it seemed they could relate to that better than to dementia. As the disease progressed she needed more help and I tried. I'm not a nurse and have never had children so caring for someone was outside my experience. I wonder if it would have been better for her to go to assisted living, but she always told me she didn't want to go to 'the old folks home.' Her mother had lived with us when I was little until she broke her hip. When the hospital released her she had to stay at a convalescent hospital and it smelled horrible. But mom was a single parent raising 3 kids and working long hours to pay the bills. She couldn't stay home to care for gramma. I think she always regretted that and I'd promised her that I'd do everything I could so she would never have to go to the old folks home. Even in hindsight, I don't think I would have done anything different.

One day Mom fell and, as tiny as she was, I couldn't get her up. I had to call an ambulance who took her to the hospital. I was worried, but had no idea what would come in the next few days. After two days, the doctor said she could go home the next morning, but that her health was failing. She thought we were looking at a few months and I hoped to have Christmas together. The next morning Mom started having trouble breathing. The doctors railed at me to sign a DNR, telling me I was being cruel by not signing it. They transferred her to hospice and we spent 4 more days watching her struggle to breathe. Luckily my brothers arrived from out of state and I didn't have to make all the decisions by myself anymore. Hospice was able to give her drugs to make her more comfortable. It turned out she had a mass in her chest that hadn't been detected before.

It's been 6 months.

I'm sitting here drenched in tears and wonder when will I be 'normal' again? She always went with me to my dog events, something she's done since I was a child. She loved when people we knew would come up to her and say hi. She didn't remember most of them from day to day, but enjoyed the company and always had a smile for everyone. Last weekend I went to an event by myself and friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile came up and asked how my mom was doing. I can get through most days, but I still cry when I talk about her. It's like when you first see a bruise. What do you do? You poke it to see if it hurts. I think about my mom and it still hurts. So although it was almost my turn to compete I stood there with tears running down my face. I think some people wonder why I'm not moving on. They don't say it, but I can read in their expression 'Get over it!' I lost my dad many years ago and grieved. I still miss him and wish we had more time to get to know each other, but that grief was nothing like this. I want to be able to celebrate my mom's wonderful life and miss her, but be able to enjoy my life again. But how?

Lostwithoutmum, your words - 'I try to suppress my pain, and get distracted... It's difficult for someone who did not experience grief to comprehend the intensity of my loss and the emotional wreck I have become' - exactly how I feel. The women who gave birth to us, picked us up when we stumbled, loved us our whole lives are gone. How do you deal with that?

Rms1977, you are so right - 'Coulda, shoulda, woulda!!! I do think in the end, it was simply their time to go. We can't stop fate.' Although it sounds like a platitude that our moms are in a better place, I know that they are. No more pain or suffering. Although I worry if my mom was disoriented when she crossed over because of all the drugs, but I know there is someone there taking care of her. I'm just sad that it's not me.

I wish I could wave a magic wand to help us all with our grieving, but it's not within my power. However I'm grateful for the chance to share my story and to know there's someone who does understand how I feel. Hugs to you all!

post-314651-0-10057300-1363742947_thumb.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lostwithoutmum

stillsad, I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your story..Awww what a gorgeous mum you have, what a beautiful smile - this is eternity ...these are the moments/memories that keep us going...

When I look at mum's photos, at how healthy she was... I feel so angry with the medical world..I hate illnesses and I hate how they intrude the lives of our loved ones while we feel totally helpless...

Althogh mum had had a heart condition, I never ever imagined it to worsen...it was a total shock to us all...mum got into hospital for a few days and got discharged on Feb 1st...we thought she was recovering...We encouraged her to get out of bed, water the flowers,eat ...etc..she did that with huge difficulty, yet she did...She cared about dad a great deal, she was the most thoughtful and selfless person ...we thought we were helping her feel normal again...Little did we know that mum was exhausted. Every part of her body was affected by that cruel heart condition....On Feb the 16th my sister and I spent the last night with her as she was not feeling well but she was taking her medicine and we had spoken to the drs and they said they would home visit her the next day! ....on the 17th, dad got up early and encouraged her a lot, then he felt she should not wait till the visit so he called the ambuance.... I saw her go as the ambulance crew left the house door and I just could not accept it....Dad and I got into the ambulance with her and I saw mum was gone but still my mind refused it.....my body rejected it

how stupid of me I did not know mum's condition was grave......I should have gone along with my intuition not with drs opinions..Now I have had a bad cough since mum left and I just refuse to see a dr.

Sometimes I wish I could just over-write the memories of these last hours/days.....and just live the memories of my 35 years when mum was healthy and strong....but those last hours feel like forever.....they keep haunting me...they remind me of how fragile we are, how treacherous human body can be....

It is exactly what you said stillsad "It's like when you first see a bruise. What do you do? You poke it to see if it hurts. I think about my mom and it still hurts."

I don't know what to say other than my thoughts are with you all xx I do feel your pain..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.