Totally and utterly alone

[Sammijo2424]

Today I am all alone, totally and utterly alone. Last night I drove home from daughter's house, crying that I think this really might be true, Ron is really gone, I just am still in disbelief, kept waiting for him to call me, cause he would call sooo many times when I was driving, but phone never rung, convinced myself this was alla nightmare and he was at home waiting for me. When I got here, no Ron, no sign of him. I find myself being very very jealous when I hear people talk about their husband, when a see a husband and wife together, ask myself, why do they still get to have their husband and I do not, it just is not fair.

I loved my husband so much and he loved me even more, I want him, I want him, I want him. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other, trying just to get thru each moment, shouldn't this be better by now? I think it is starting to sink me for me that this is real, 5 weeks later, at first there was just so much to do, and now just trying to figure out what to do. I stay home for a few days, think I want to be here, then I get in panic and gotta get outa here, go to one of the daughter's house, want to be there, then suddenly one day, I gotta go,I am happy nowhere.

[mielhall]

I know how you feel. It's been 9 weeks for me and I still sometimes wonder if it's her when my phone rings. Getting use to being alone is hard - everywhere you go you see couples having fun. I'm not sure if I'll ever be "happy" again, but I'm trying. Hang in there - it's gotta get better.

[kathyl]

I also get very jealous of happy couples, and I get very angry when I hear people complaining about their husband or wife. I want to just shake them and tell them to be thankful for what they have.

It has been 6 months for me, and I still have moments when I go to open the front door after work that I expect to see Jeremy sitting there, or I expect to see a text message from him when I am on my lunch break at work.

This is so very new for you. I still have days where my mind cannot process anything correctly because it is filled with grief. Thankfully those are the exception to the rule now, but unfortunately you have to take this one baby step at a time. It will be different for every person, but for me it was about 4 months after Jeremy died that I realized that the "fog" had lifted. Before that time, I had to write myself notes about everything - eating breakfast, what to put in my bag to go to work, what time I had to leave, feeding the bird etc...

Happiness will take time as well. When you find yourself being happy somewhere, it will probably also come with guilt for being happy. No matter what, just know that you are not alone. People here understand....I understand. I signed up at this site because of the loneliness - it didn't matter how many people I spoke to during the day, I still felt so alone.

((hugs)) I really do wish there was a magic button to make it better, or make this process speed up....or even better, I wish there was a reverse button so none of us would have to deal with all of this pain and hurt.

[Lester]

A rewind button.....now there is a thought.

The one that catches me out is when I think I must tell her something and then almost instantly realisation dawns.

It does get less overwhelming overall but as a friend said not every day will be better than the last just different. I seem to have had a number of 'different. days recently.

Got to confess felt very isolated recently and there is only one thing for it, I need to get out and meet and mix just not sure how and don't seem motivated.

Will have a search for the magic button.

[kevinsgirl]

My loss is still very fresh and raw. But one thing I do when I want to talk to Kevin is I write it in a notebook - like a little letter or note to him. It seems to help a little bit - it at least gets the thought out, somewhere, so it feels like he's receiving it. It's not anywhere near the same as speaking to him but I feel just a bit better at the moment I'm doing it. It's also a distraction as I'm writing. I'm focusing on my words and not on all of my millions of thoughts.

[kathyl]

I did that the day after Jeremy died - I wrote him a 5 page letter. After that, I bought a notebook and write letters to him....and write down those things that he said or did that I don't ever want to forget. I am always afraid I will forget something and it scares me! I also find that writing clears my mind a little bit.

Lester - I feel the same way - I need to do something to stop feeling so isolated and so very alone, but I have no idea what to do or how to take the first step. Also, that gets me every time - when something funny happens, or something good happens, my first reaction is to call and tell Jeremy about it. Then it's like another slap in the face when I realize I can't do that.

[widower2]

As others have said this takes time - a lot of time. Allow for that! Yes writing things down helped me too, though it might not be for everyone.

[lornes24]

I still feel the same way. And it has been almost 8 months since I lost my husband. I truly don't feel that there is anyone to turn to. No one can make this better. The only person who could cheer me up at all is gone. It feels like a black hole with a vacuum pull and I can't force my way out. I try to stay busy, which isn't too difficult with three kids, school and work. But, honestly, he is still the main thing on my mind at all times. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!! And who really wants to hear about that?

I'm sorry I can't offer you any uplifting advice. I hope that your journey is easier and faster than my own has been. God bless.

[Caremal]

I know for me it gets easier to deal with as time goes on - I still feel along at times - most of the time. A friend of m mine suggested an online site called MEETUP. Meetup is an on place to go to find friends, not a date thing, but group thing. You check the things you enjoy doing and bingo they start to send you an invite via email. The groups do things like going out to eat in a group, bike riding, you name it they have a group for it. Check it out and see if you can find some people to hang with from time to time.

Also the ANGER you have is NORMAL and the baby steps we all take is NORMAL - you are not alone. The letter writing is so so so important to me weather you call it a journal or letter either way write it down. Hang in there - time will help the pain not hurt so much.

[HeyJude]

Hi Sammijo and everyone else. I'm brand new here.

Sammi, my husband of 32 yrs passed away on January 4, 2013. I feel so much of what your feeling. I still wait for my cell phone to ring on my lunch break and hear him say "hello there sweetcheeks!" but it doesn't ever ring anymore. I'm too young to have a dead husband! I'm 56. I don't know how in the heck we are going to get through this. I wish I knew we were, it would make it a little easier if you knew there was happiness at the end of this journey, wouldn't it? But it seems there is no happiness at all, for miles around, nothing.

Are you by yourself now in your home or do you still have kids at home? I don't have kids living with me. My son lives in Calif. I do have my 84 yr old mother living with me and that is a Godsend. But now I'm terrified of losing her soon.

I just think life sucks, ya know it? It is so not fair.

[Sammijo2424]

Hey Jude, I agree, I am also 56, never thought in a million years this would be my life at this age, this totally sucks. I loved my old life, I hate this life. I am alone, totally alone. Have been at daughter's house for 2 weeks, am now keeping my 3 grandchildren for 4 days but go back home in 4 days. I am so scared to go back home, I miss my home but also terrified of going back any being by myself again, even though I feel all alone everywhere I go. My husband and I were always together. He still worked but I quit work a year ago due to health, back then I loved being alone while he was at work. It is like restarting my life all over again and I don't like it one bit.

I went with my daughter and son in law last week to California, they may be moving there. She is my oldest and it terrifies me that she is probably moving so far from me.

I know I will see my love again. At times I feel him with me but most of the time I just feel lost, sad, angry, and alone.

[Caremal]

Hi Sammijo and everyone else. I'm brand new here.

Sammi, my husband of 32 yrs passed away on January 4, 2013. I feel so much of what your feeling. I still wait for my cell phone to ring on my lunch break and hear him say "hello there sweetcheeks!" but it doesn't ever ring anymore. I'm too young to have a dead husband! I'm 56. I don't know how in the heck we are going to get through this. I wish I knew we were, it would make it a little easier if you knew there was happiness at the end of this journey, wouldn't it? But it seems there is no happiness at all, for miles around, nothing.

Are you by yourself now in your home or do you still have kids at home? I don't have kids living with me. My son lives in Calif. I do have my 84 yr old mother living with me and that is a Godsend. But now I'm terrified of losing her soon.

I just think life sucks, ya know it? It is so not fair.

Hi Sammijo and everyone else. I'm brand new here.

Sammi, my husband of 32 yrs passed away on January 4, 2013. I feel so much of what your feeling. I still wait for my cell phone to ring on my lunch break and hear him say "hello there sweetcheeks!" but it doesn't ever ring anymore. I'm too young to have a dead husband! I'm 56. I don't know how in the heck we are going to get through this. I wish I knew we were, it would make it a little easier if you knew there was happiness at the end of this journey, wouldn't it? But it seems there is no happiness at all, for miles around, nothing.

Are you by yourself now in your home or do you still have kids at home? I don't have kids living with me. My son lives in Calif. I do have my 84 yr old mother living with me and that is a Godsend. But now I'm terrified of losing her soon.

I just think life sucks, ya know it? It is so not fair.

Hi Sammijo and everyone else. I'm brand new here.

Sammi, my husband of 32 yrs passed away on January 4, 2013. I feel so much of what your feeling. I still wait for my cell phone to ring on my lunch break and hear him say "hello there sweetcheeks!" but it doesn't ever ring anymore. I'm too young to have a dead husband! I'm 56. I don't know how in the heck we are going to get through this. I wish I knew we were, it would make it a little easier if you knew there was happiness at the end of this journey, wouldn't it? But it seems there is no happiness at all, for miles around, nothing.

Are you by yourself now in your home or do you still have kids at home? I don't have kids living with me. My son lives in Calif. I do have my 84 yr old mother living with me and that is a Godsend. But now I'm terrified of losing her soon.

I just think life sucks, ya know it? It is so not fair.

This is a hard time for us all. I am in the same boat - only been here one year on Tuesday. I can say this - time helps the pain to not hurt so bad. It will never go away it just gets easier to deal with. Read the forums they helped me a LOT and also come to the chat rooms We are there to support you when you need it.

[PD1]

Hi All,

This is my first post. Am just 28 yrs old. Mine was a love marriage after so much of issues for it from our parents. Finally our parents had agreed and we had a superb marriage. My husband was my life. He kept me only happy and happyyyyyyy in 4 yrs of our marriage and offcourse 2 yrs before that but one worst day life turned into darkness whn i lost him on 13 april 2013. I miss him sooooooooo badly and just feel like i want him back to me anyhow.....i feel i am all alone in this world now though there are people around me.

[MissingDaniel]

PD1, so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just the day before, and it was sudden. Don't know what your situation was, but it seems for me like feeling alone is going to be the new normal for a while. I could be in a huge crowd of people, even surrounded by friends and family who love me, and a big part of me still feels alone. We've lost our other half, so of course we feel that way. Keep reading the posts on here as I have - they will make you see that others are going through very similar feelings. I'm very new to all of this, so can't say I have any great, sage advice, as I'm feeling my way along as well. Wishing you comfort!

[PD1]

Hi missing daniel,

I think only people like u can actually feel what we are going through. For others it is just as easy to say that "now we have to be strong" but it is soooooooo difficult. Today i had him in my dreams.. He also passed away suddenly with heart attack... No symptoms of any kind of disease ever... He was just 33 yrs old. I miss him badly

[Kenk]

I can relate to all that. I bounce around from trying to figure out why or how it happened, to how I can be with her again, to what I could have done differently. I'm 31, she was 32. The thought of finding love that I didn't think was possible like that, to go away and to have to live another 40-50 years without it sickens me. I know I'm only 40 days or so into this, but it feels constricting and I'm not sure I can be a "normal" person according to society again.

The advice I would give is find some sort of belief you can live with, and stay out of "logic loops" or you'll end up getting lost like me.

[Yadairaisabel]

Today I am all alone, totally and utterly alone. Last night I drove home from daughter's house, crying that I think this really might be true, Ron is really gone, I just am still in disbelief, kept waiting for him to call me, cause he would call sooo many times when I was driving, but phone never rung, convinced myself this was alla nightmare and he was at home waiting for me. When I got here, no Ron, no sign of him. I find myself being very very jealous when I hear people talk about their husband, when a see a husband and wife together, ask myself, why do they still get to have their husband and I do not, it just is not fair.

I loved my husband so much and he loved me even more, I want him, I want him, I want him. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other, trying just to get thru each moment, shouldn't this be better by now? I think it is starting to sink me for me that this is real, 5 weeks later, at first there was just so much to do, and now just trying to figure out what to do. I stay home for a few days, think I want to be here, then I get in panic and gotta get outa here, go to one of the daughter's house, want to be there, then suddenly one day, I gotta go,I am happy nowhere.

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand completely how you feel! And even now that its been six months I have my days! sometimes Ill check my phone to see if he has called =( chuck and I were in constant communication and we were always together and to come home and not see him here waiting for me or asking me how my day was? or staying up with me till 3 am talking about engines! oh God that kills me. But what I can tell you is that this is part of the process and its long and hard!!! but you can do it! and we are all here to support each other!!!

[Silvergirl61]

Today was a day, when "alone" just seemed too much for me, too. It's been almost 9 months now. It just snuck up and bashed me when i was at the store today...it's almost our anniversary, and i saw something that i just knew he'd love...and then it hit me...you don't have an anniversary anymore.........and he isn't here.

[PD1]

Hi Silvergirl61,

You are not 'alone'...... There are many people like us who are with you ...those who have lost their loved one's...... I use to love to shop for my hubby....i will miss that.