Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

When took Damon home tonight, after the pool time (which they had an amazing time...Kam, Jamie and Damon...), we decided to go ahead and take the other boys to Cathi's, where they were spending the night, instead of her having to come all the way over here to get them. On the way back, we decided to stop at Bonanaz steak house for supper. I don't usually like buffet places, but this one is kept very clean, the food is always fresh, and the steaks are done perfectly. When Ralph came back from getting his salad, he put this on top of my plate...said it was right on top of the newly placed plate of fresh sliced tomatoes...finished off our day and began our evening with love...

[mikesmomrs]

forgot to add: everybody, I hope you have a pleasant evening, relaxing and perhaps being touched by a memory that brings a smile to your lips, that travels all the way to your heart.

Betsy: Hope all is well...haven't seen your posts recently.

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Love the tomato ..... the smallest things that bring the biggest touch to our heart.

Dee,

I send you strength .... tough days ahead for you.

We are starting to consider Pinnacle Days again. Every year we have this debate. Always seems overwhelming but once it’s over, we’re energized for another year or however long ...........

We have 11 days before we find out if we are moving forward to meet the children. Lots of emotion swirling around ......

Diane,

Baby steps can be very big steps!

No plans for the weekend. We will probably grill burgers. That’s about as exciting as it’s gonna get .....

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, what a treat, seeing your Jason smiling out at us. I am continuing my thoughts and hopes toward your meeting up with the Three Lovely Children. As far as Pinnacle Days, I can understand wavering, it is a huge undertaking and one cannot always count on the weather, but I also really get what you said about the rejuvination, that is what we feel too after Eri-Fest and it is on a much less complicated level than what you and Rich put together. Whatever your decision, may you feel peaceful in it.

Carol, heart shaped tomatoes, now that Boy has outdone his Angel-self! Fun day at the pool it sounds, how nice.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol I love the heart shaped tomato Mike is right here with you!!! Damon is just so precious He does know himself so well and is very gracious over compliments. I do hope you make sure he does not have to wait too long for food

Bonnie I agree so great to see Jason's smiling face when I signed on today Prayers still with you Love Pinnacle days I remember making my flag for Stephen when I first arrived here it made me so happy to participate Thank you for including us

Dee In my thoughts as this month continues. Eri fest is another beautiful time and I really appreciated the fact that all the BI angels were honored there as well.

Trudie I do hope Mutley is warming his warm coat and is staying dry

Sherry I do hope yur garden ins flourishing

Diane Looking forward, with you to the new Grandbaby

Rhonda, Sus, Leah,, Colleen, Betsy , Beth, Sharon, Crystal and all Indigos thinking of you

It is another grand day here in NYC. Staying in the City for the 4th and will attend some Street Fairs and outdoor events

Have a gentle weekend with warm memories of your angels.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I hope that the city is a wonderful venue for the events of the holiday weekend. we do very little on the holiday, but can see two sets of fireworks from our backyard so that is nice. Both neighbors on either side of us will be out of town, so relatively quiet. I will go to the gym today again, this time with Shannon, and due to the heat and high humidity, not be out much in the garden today.

I am reading a really well written book called: State of Grace by Anne Patchett whose writing is always amazing. Other books that she has written are: Bell Canto, Truth and Beauty a memoir, Patron Saint of Liars...

Everyone a good and gentle weekend, be kind to yourselves, remind yourselves with the words and messages you help others here.

[lolynbo]

HIGH GUYS...GONNA BE A HOT ONE HERE TODAY...KODY AND I RAN ERRANDS YEST IN 104 HEAT...IDK HOW MONTY AND MY BROTHER WORK IN IT DAILY....

GOING TO LAY OUT FOR A BIT THEN WE RACE TONIGHT, SINCE THE TRACK SOLD WE DONT NO IF WE STILL GET IN FREE OR NOT, (SINCE WE DO THE SIGNS ETC.)..IF NOT I GUESS MOMMA WONT BE IN THE PITS..25$ A WACK

PLANNING ON BOATING TOM AND MONDAY, OH GOD GONNA DIE AND MELT...BUT THE KIDS LIKE GOING TO THE LAKE AND CHILLN HAVING A BEER OR TWO OR THREE, (NOT KODY OF COURSE)...GOT SOME FOOD READY TO GO HARD TO FIND STUFF THATS EASY TO HANDLE THAT WONT MAKE A MESS AND GET BOTCHILISUM (SP) TOMAIN (SP), I WAS GONNA HAVE HOTDOGS ALL READY GRILLED AND READY TO GO WITH CHIPS AND SOME WATERMELON AND SNACKS...OTHER THEN THAT..IDK ONE YEAR I DID A BRISKET, BUT THAT GET $$$$ WHEN U HAVE PPL ON THE BOAT OR NEAR THE BOAT THAT WASNT EXPECTED....

GOT SURGERY IN 11 DAYS, RECON IM READY...GETTN RID OF MY BUTT BELLY...LOL...

OH AND UPDATE ON THE WRECK LAST WEEK, THE MOTHER IS A VEGATABLE SO PROB GONNA HAVE TO DECIDE TO UNPLUG HER, AND THEIR IS A LIL GIRL IN BAD SHAPE, NEEDS LOTS OF PLASTIC SURG ON FACE BUT SHOULD BE OK..

[bus1851]

Hello,

I had to bring death certificate to my HR dept at work yesterday. That envelope with two pieces of paper felt like it weighed 100lbs. The pain of holding my daughters death notice was unbearable. The finality attached to it hurt me all day reminding me of my loss. I miss her so much. Daddy loves you Marley

CJ

[Guest msnher]

Good morning my friends;

Just checking in. It would seem that summer has finally found its way to Casper. Due to the rains it is more humid than normal, which means more bugs - more bug spray. Gary is prepping the ground to put the kids pool (12' x 3') up today. We only have our three kids this weekend which is a pleasant break. It has been a very busy summer, thus far, with lots of kids. Twice this last week we had 8 spending the night. We are blessed that they all want to be with us, but it sure does wear me out.

I just got off the phone with my doctor's nurse, also my friend - also my spiritual energy healer (I love her). I have hesitated in calling any doctor to discuss fibromyalgia because I didn't want to appear so weak. But, today the pain is intense so I called her. She was quite validating and assured me her boss, my doctor, believes it is real and treats it as such. She also told me this does not mean I've failed it is just my body telling me its tired. I thought it was from me not taking better care of myself and the trauma of the last few years but she told me to quit beating myself up and that it is not just from the trauma of the last few years but the trauma my body has endured since birth. It is odd that I am at peace with my life (finally) and to still have to physically suffer the consequences. I really don't mind but I feel bad because I know I'm not pulling my weight. I feel bad for my family's sake.

Well, thanks for listening. I hope you all have a peaceful (and cool) weekend. Be careful on the water (and the roads) and enjoy as much as you can.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

CJ - I'm so sorry. Hugs to you!

[rlolheiser]

I miss coming here to vent. I try to tell myself this isn't the place to do it. Especially when it seems all I do is vent. I just haven't anybody here to vent to. I have pretty much secluded myself here with just mom, and just talking to her is hard. I have to repeat and scream everything out (she is deaf and won't use hearing aids).. by the time I get anything out to her, it is a chore and she doesn't understand anyway. Her health is still up and down. I tried to talk to family, but all I get is "put her in a home" I still can't do that. I don't ask anybody for help, just a visit once in awhile since we can't go visiting like we used to. So, it makes a lonely life and everybody is just happy to tell me it is my doing. I guess so, but I can live with me..

I am not looking forward to the 4th, it was a holiday that JaBoa just loved. My whole family was always together on the 4th no matter what the circumstances and this holiday.. there is nobody coming. I guess it is alright.. mom isn't feeling to great now anyway, the kidneys are acting up again. The dr. told me that I will probably have a lot of problems this summer.. I like to light up a few with my little guy, cause he is the only one that remembers JaBoa with me.. he sends them to her and he is happy.

I just go along my way trying to make my son and husband happy, my husband is so involved working with his nephew I never see him, and my son is on the go, whenever a cousin wants to play he is out the door for a lot of the day or they come here which I enjoy watching them. Raymond.. my little guy still talks about JaBoa, so does my grandaughter (who is moved out at the time) but she is upsetting a lot of people with her questions and coments about her sister. I always let her talk.. to say anything.. the siblings left behind have to have such a huge gap in their lives, and just because they are young doesn't make it any less. I went off on facebook with my grands.. I told them all to treat her special, she may be a pain and get in lots of trouble, but she goes through a lot. She feels she should have been the one to die in the accident.. and I told her no.. it wasn't her time... and all the others get offended or saddned by her questions.. I wish death and dying wasn't such a subject that was shunned.. our kids will never know how to handle it... Even with mom, she is dying.. she could live a long time.. but she could go today.. heck.. I could go today.. and that is when others feel the remorse of I should have done something more... I try so hard to tell them... do it today.. show everybody how much you love them today... you might not have the chance an hour from now.. I thank God that my JaBoa knew I love her, yes I have regrets and wish I had done something different.. but its ok.. rambling my friends..

On that note.. I am thankful for this site and thankful to have you to reach out to.. so many people in so much pain, but all reaching out in one way or another.. so many beautiful angels to love and adore... just so much sharing.. and caring..

I hope you all have a nice holiday.. and as we look out on the fireworks may we share them with out angels..and feel their love.. and the love of all of you

[shorty16]

Hello to all my friends

Yes, Lorri, Susannah and Dee, it is a hot one here too. Even though the temp is about 90, the humidity is way up there. Feels like 110.

I went to the Brookfield farmers market today. The Saturday before Brian died, I tried to wake Brian up to go with Michelle and I to the farmers market. I thought he did not wake up, but as I was driving out of the driveway, he was behind me yelling and waving me to stop. I never saw him. I felt so terrible about that and had never gone back to this farmers market - until today. It was nice. Quick - but nice.

Scott and I went to Summerfest yesterday. What a wonderful time we had. Weather was awesome!! We saw Styx. OMG, they were great!!!

There is a resturant at summerfest that only takes reservations unless you sit around the bar. Scott's friend called us and saved 2 seats for us. We sat at the bar and watched Styx. What a great time. I made reservations for Thursday night to watch Kansas.

Yesterday was a good day. Scott and I talked about our Brian and just loved him and missed him. No tears, just heavy sighs and Scott kissed his urn necklace. He has not take the urn necklace off since he put in on 3 years ago.

Very hot today. I am just vegging!!! Not doing anything I do not have to.

Love to my friends. WIthout you, I would not have been able to go to the farmers Market today and actually have a decent time.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

CJ: I too dreaded receiving the death certificate in the mail. I kept thinking that the only other legal document that Toby had was his birth certificate. Parents aren't supposed to see this certificate - ever. I also had to fax it our HR department at work, and then had to attach one to a life insurance claim. I felt so guilty receiving the check in the mail. I forgot I even opted to have insurance - it was one of those things that come with the benefit package at work.

I just passed by 3 month mark yesterday. It was a difficult day. The 1st fell on the same day of the week of his death, and it was also a day with no moon - which also occurred on April 1st. A dark, dark night.

Our summer has finally started in Cal. We have had an unusually cool year so far. Most days it has been 10 degrees cooler than the normal temperature. Yesterday was the first day that we had a day over 80 degrees. I don't like the extremely hot days we can get, but 80 is good.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday weekend.

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone...i also received a recent death certificate...i knew i hated fridays, the day of the week nathan took his life....but it also had the exact time, and now i KNOW for sure exactly what time of day i am extremely sad. it makes it so much worse. i wish i had never even looked at it.

summer was nathan's most favorite time of year....he loved the beach, the warm weather, his boat, fishing and all outside activities. he especially liked this w/e...he threw a huge 4th of july party every year at his house and so many people were always there. this is a sad w/e for me, knowing that he would be having this huge blow at his house. everyone he knew, his neighbors, friends, so many people would come and have a blast. it makes me so sad to know it won't be anymore. maybe he is having his party with all the angels this year. i can only hope this is true.

it is so hard and seems to be getting harder with every passing day. i know i am doing a little more and getting out a little more, but my heart feels heavier and heavier with sadness and grief. is this normal? i grudgingly get out of bed every day, like it is something i HAVE to do, instead of want to do.

today, i just feel 'sick' and have had a migraine for over a week now. it just won't leave me alone. the rx.'s i have aren't working. i even gave myself a shot last night and it only worked for a little while. oh well, this is my life....

have a good w/e for those of you who are celebrating...i am happy for you who can and maybe one day i can too. diane

[ericasmom]

Leah, we must let out the damaged parts of us, this is where we do that. Don't stop telling us how it is for you, it is real and worth discussing. Diane and Leah ERi too loved the 4th and the 3rd marks the last time I had dinner with my girl while the 6th marks the last time I saw her and held her large hands and laughed with her and shared a cup of coffee. So when you look up and see those colors dripping down from the celebrations around town, pick out which ones your Angel would have loved best and imagine the view they have.

Sus, I am glad that your doc looks at this as a real illness. The high humidity is probably aggravating it. You are probably not letting down your end of the deal Sus, you are tired, lie down and read.

Col, so glad that you had a fun day with your Scott, and that the music and talks were great.

Death certificates-no easy way around them at all and I agree CJ, Cheryl, their weight is an anchor on our hearts.

[Guest msnher]

I just finished reading "Water for Elephants". Another excellent book! The kids helped me enthusiastically with some chores. Not quite the way I would have done it, but beats not having "it" done at all. What other books did you recommend, Dee?

I began to comment to individual posts and my mind went blank so I deleted what I had written because I don't want to leave anyone out. Please everyone know you all are in my thoughts always!

[ericasmom]

Sus, love water for elephants, love it. Stays with you for a very long time. Now read anything by Haven Kimmel, she is a delight, read Zippy and then read She Got up off the Couch. Hilarious and poignant. And read everything by Sandra Kring, I think that you have read a few, she has 4 novels. All are FABULOUS and also anything by Barbara Kingsolver: posionwood bible is grand. Also anything by Anne Lamott...YOu may even be wanting and ready to read Paula a memoir of Isabelle Alende' who lost her daughter Paula. It is a wonderful book and the sequel is The Sum of Our Days.

[jtrudeau]

hi everyone...i also received a recent death certificate...i knew i hated fridays, the day of the week nathan took his life....but it also had the exact time, and now i KNOW for sure exactly what time of day i am extremely sad. it makes it so much worse. i wish i had never even looked at it.

summer was nathan's most favorite time of year....he loved the beach, the warm weather, his boat, fishing and all outside activities. he especially liked this w/e...he threw a huge 4th of july party every year at his house and so many people were always there. this is a sad w/e for me, knowing that he would be having this huge blow at his house. everyone he knew, his neighbors, friends, so many people would come and have a blast. it makes me so sad to know it won't be anymore. maybe he is having his party with all the angels this year. i can only hope this is true.

it is so hard and seems to be getting harder with every passing day. i know i am doing a little more and getting out a little more, but my heart feels heavier and heavier with sadness and grief. is this normal? i grudgingly get out of bed every day, like it is something i HAVE to do, instead of want to do.

today, i just feel 'sick' and have had a migraine for over a week now. it just won't leave me alone. the rx.'s i have aren't working. i even gave myself a shot last night and it only worked for a little while. oh well, this is my life....

have a good w/e for those of you who are celebrating...i am happy for you who can and maybe one day i can too. diane

Hi Diane, I also just received my sons death certs Sundays are soooo hard for me thats the day my son was killed. I'm so very sad every morning cause I woke up. The pain is worse than ever and deeper and I'm

just sick. Mike died on May 29th, I didn't know you could cry sooo much, thats all I do. So i think everything you are felling is normal, if there is even a normal in any of this. Parents just are not suppose have to say goodbye to their child. It's 5 min at a time for me rite now. I hate life rite now and I don't like that feeling. I don't want to admit that hes gone and people say that will get better, I don't know. I'm new here so I don't have much good advice for you but I have the same feelings you do........ Jackie

[dwsmithrn]

thank you all for the pat on the back for the baby steps....they have been very difficult to say the least, but since some of you have been there already and others are there with me, i know you already know the difficulties i am facing and/or living with.....i hate this life: i hate this journey....didn't ask for it, don't want it, don't know how long i can live with it. but, somehow, i wake up every morning...i cry myself to sleep at night, i wake up crying and cry much of the day. when do the tears stop, or do they ever stop? i don't know. i am not trying to be brave, i just do what my heart, brain, body tell me i can do on any given day, that's all. i am sad, lonely and feel defeated by grief. this sucks, and i miss nathan too much to even express it in words. i do look at his smiling face in photos and i talk to him all the time, but it doesn't take the place of him being here. i want to think of him being happy and out of his unbearable pain, but my pain of missing him is too overwhelming to make that a comfort at this time. my shattered heart is too selfish to let him go to his happy place and give me peace of mind. does that make any sense at all? again, i ramble...diane

[heartbeataway]

I log in and visit ....... so many new Indigos. Heart breaking really ....... the road on our journey is getting crowded and who likes traffic? There are no detours, no wrong turns taken .... virtually, nothing we can do about it. We are on this journey together and none of us had a choice.

I'm so sorry! For each and every lost, I am so sorry!

When I read about the despair, the tears, the shock and overwhelming grief ....... it brings back those early hours, days and months. Such hard, hard times for sure!

Death certificates, autopsy reports, estate work, personal possessions ...... so many things that all need to be addressed. And each one drives the shock and hurt stake a little deeper into our hearts.

I wanted to help some of you understand that the place you are is a place all of us have been ..... thought it might make it easier for you to understand that the pain will get softer. So, I went back to early email exchanges I have and was going to post a couple.

I couldn't ...... it was too hard.

But I can tell you that my online friends were life savers. I've said it time and time again but pour out your heart with your key board and we will be here listening with our eyes and responding with our own broken heart experience.

Take baby steps, deep breaths, take care of yourself and know that it will get softer. Ups and downs and tears, sleepless nights and a miss in your heart that will never go away are things you learn to live with. It becomes a part of who you are.

We all find ways to continue on this journey and you will also ...... but it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and you can't speed it up.

I hold each and everyone of you in my thoughts and send you strength. It will get softer ........ it will get softer ...... it will get softer ....... breathe ...... it will .... we promise.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, such sweet and gentle advice for those newer to this road. Bonnie is absolutely right Jackie and Diane and CJ and Cheryl and Tony...others that are new to this ache, life feels harsh and overwhelming when you are deep in the midst of this shocking experience. Five minutes at a tme is fine, it is what you can do right now. It will change one day and as Colleen has said in the past, it will take time and work. You don't know it now, but you are doing the work. You are up and moving in your days, you are facing the most horrendous facts in your life, you have found this place out of sheer need and hope, and you are pacing the floors as we all did, trying to will your child back. We all did it, and while you may not feel that these things are part of the work- they are. Eventually you will look back and realize how far you have come, some days that alone will make you sad, some will feel guilty for having come so far...as though you are leaving your Child, but you aren't, you will simply be learning to move forward in his/her absence as they would wish you to do. In the meantime, replace your unyielding tears with water and juice, you must not let yourselves dehydrate, eat small meals several times per day if you can to ensure that you are getting some proteins and vitamins. Take your vitamins and if you are able, take walks around the neighborhood. Being outside and moving helps you relieve some pressure and you may sleep better plus you need to move to release endorphins. Doing these small little things could help you to feel you are in a bit more control too, which is a good thing.

One day there is peace,

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

It felt so good to log on and see that Bonnie and Leah had posted and shared their hearts

It reminded me of the truth of Dee's statements That posting, no matter how short or sad is important to the Indigo family We all grow and connect a little with each word we read.

I too know how hard this road is for each of us and how brave we must be to keep showing up. Diane, CJ, Nathan's dad, and all the new Indigos, please know you are not alone and it will slowly get softer

Bonnie and Dee are so right. Reading posting, connecting helps

Sherry, Betsy, Colleen, Trudie. Carol, Lorrie, Rhonda and all indigos stay safe

[shorty16]

Jackie, You found us!!!

Yes, the beginning of this journey is terrible - worse then terrible. The physical pain is overwhelming. But like so many have said, the physical pain does diminish.

You too will survive this. You may even find that parts of you have become better. For me, the empathy in me has gone wild. I no longer shun others who have problems. I thought my life was really good before Brian's death and I did not want anything to disrupt that. Now, I know how fast that bubble can burst. I am now determined to help others on this journey know that they can live life again and actualy enjoy life.

Indigos

My sister and I are going to Wirth park today. A park I swore I would never again go to. Brian and his "friends" went to Wirth park that day he died. Brian loved Wirth park. But with my sis by my side, I can do this and have a good time.

Wirth Park is a very nice outdoor water park near us. Clean and just fun - not too expensive either.

I am really lucky to have a sister like I do. I know she has no idea the pain involved in lossing a child, but she does know what it feels like to lose a nephew. Brian had his drivers lisence for 4 months before he died and he must have driven to my sisters house 10X.

I will always miss my son and I love him more than words can say. But with help from my indigo friends, I am enjoying life little by little.

Without you guys, I would be one hurtin-unit

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone on this quiet post day. As I sit here before bedtime, I can see some colors sprinkling down from the sky out my window, it is a fireworks show a few towns over. Downtown Chicago has canceled their show on this night before annual show day. There has simply been too many violent acts lately in Chicago and they have shut down Taste of Chicago one day early and each night, one half hour earlier than in previous years so as to have the crowds dispersed by nightfall. I had no interest in going this year, I prefer the city when I am just walking around on a regular day.

So it was a quiet and peaceful day today. Shan and I went to the gym and then once home, she and JOn came over and hung out in our yard with us. Nice and just a slow afternoon. After they left I fell asleep in the lounge chair under the River Birch for a bit, not too long, maybe 20 minutes as a bee landed on me and woke me.

On this date 8 years ago, Eri drove down from Michigan and was here and we had dinner together for our last time. That year she had dinner with John and I and then went to pick up some of her buddies to go see the fireworks downtown, though I don't believe they actually went, choosing instead to stick around town and hang out. I know she had fun, that makes me glad.

Going to bed Kids, be well and sleep deeply and maybe one or two of you will have a nice dream or a visit.

peace

[mysonrich]

Dee, I think to myself, if we had only known. I suppose chaining our children to the kitchen chair, clinging so desperately to make them stay, fighting tooth and nail to change what is to come, and now thinking of how happy Erica was, her independence, her joy of living,her friends,what could we have done,what would we have changed and the big picture, if our children were protected to the point of not living their lives. Their lives. At the cost of unhappiness. Do we take solace in the fact that they were happy,carefree? The first thing I was told at Rich's death, he was happy. I hold that close on dark days.

And violence in our cities. It saddens me to read of a local inner city Little League team , their ball field green, clean,well cared for, knowing the pride of the young players and reading of an affluent suburban team in the same district refusing to play at the inner city field due to recent violence. I see both sides to this. I am sad for the players . http://www.nj.com/me...eit_game_o.html

Leah, its good to see your words. I can;t see JaBoa though. Is that just on my side or do we need to fix that? I totally relate to the communication problems you have with your mom. My aunt does have hearing aides yet we have such a difficult time communicating. Its as if I speak a different language. She asks 30 questions, I keep my answers short and simple now. I also feel that through her son, my daughter is under a type of personal attack by both. My aunt,being reeled in and her son, that doesn't work and floats around in a pool on hot days. Dee, you may be interested to know that my aunt feels that kids that are a bit slow academically should stay slow. Her words. She does not believe in special ed nor tutoring. She doesn't believe in charted schools. What I do know is that her son listens to a lot of talk radio and passes on his view. I find myself defending my daughters career,life and flat out told my aunt that we would not discuss this topic again. I believe the son was miffed, all 6'5 and 300 pounds of him, was miffed when Sarah took a stand after his bullying. The sad part is,she will not visit her often especially if he is around.

The great,fabulous news is, ( drum roll please) Sarah is now a resident of Brooklyn,NY. You have a new neighbor Betty albeit,across town. Sarah has been accepted to grad school, has accepted a new position at a charter school in special ed and 3^rd grade. I felt the clouds roll in when I realized that she was moving, not because I didn't want her to excel and be happy, it felt to me that she was just leaving. I felt that I lost her somehow. And then I feel like an ass when I think of our girl/women angels here at BI, our angels that excel on a metaphysical plane and I feel selfish and confused. And on the other hand I enjoy reading of the sons of our BI members, their life journeys. I'm confused.

Jackie and Diane, I am so sorry . The pain, the heartfelt and physical pain, the isolation, the fear. I know the depth of your grief,we all do here and we hold you close.

The weather has been very hot and humid. Very uncomfortable. I hope to see fireworks tonight. I was hoping for music as well but I think I missed my chance . Oh well.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, so good to see your words and Rich's face smiling out. I do believe that we need to be happy for the happiness our kids had on this plane. I had glimpses of Eri not being here, a sense of danger looming but could not pinpoint it and evenif I had been able to, what would I have done with that? Would I have instructed my Girl to never cross the tracks in her car in her town? No, I think that knowing that she was a happy young lady, knowing that she and I were entering our phase of friendship and unity in our lives is a joyous knowing. It is what I too hold onto, that she was finding her way and loving what she was finding.

Sorry about the Auntie and her son, their attitudes difficult at best.

Thrilled for your Girl, that she is finding joy in her changes and teaching 3rd grade, how lovely. It will be fun hearing of her adventures.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dear Betsy So good to see Rich's smiling face and to read your words. I too have some family members that are on a different planet, and communication is difficult!! So glad that your daughter Validated her choices and life with your family and that you too were in her corner. Wonderful that she has successfully moved and is building her life and career. Her decisions appear very constructive and positive . I know you will miss her and some day we will all go for that bagel in the City.

I agree with your and Dee's reflections about our Angels I do not believe I could have tied Stephen down or forced a different life style on him. He always marched to his own drum . I do believe I tried His spirit was so wonderful, full of joy and a love for life that I could never match.

Rich and Eri sound very much like that.

Dee Your day sounded perfect. When I read your rememories of the joy or Eri 8 years ago, I remembered a 4th with Stephen 8 years ago. .

He found a new Ram Truck that he fell in love with We were at my sisters for the 4th and decided to drive over to the car dealership to see the truck and check the price. We left that day with his brand new Ram truck and oh how proud he was. . I contributed a small down payment but his credit was good enough to obtain the loan on his own . That added to his joy. A bitter sweet end to the story is that my nephew is now driving that truck, oh so proudly and when I see it I remember-------

You are so right, remembering these times and the smiles is very rewarding and powerful

I do hope we each have a safe 4th with warm memories of the Way It Was"

[westleysmom]

Hey all. I have tried to catch up reading the posts since last Friday. I was trying to get ready for tomorrow, my busy day at work and just couldn't think of anything to say. Westley always wanted me to take him to buy fireworks when he was younger. I remember one year when we were at my Mama's and I didn't want to leave to take him to buy some and I was very short with him, but I took him anyway. I remember a lot of times when I would "get after" him and they make me feel so sorry for the way I was, impatient sometimes. That takes me to the last fight we had on the back porch the day before he died and I can hardly breathe. I just wanted him to be safe and happy and I was so worried about his drinking and being out so late at night after getting up so early and he just didn't seem to understand how dangerous it was. We spoke again that night and he told me he loved me and i told him the same, but those harsh words and that I didn't hug him that night haunts me. I told him just to go to bed, he needed to sleep. I don't really like holidays anymore, too much free time to think about holidays before everything was sad, as Colleen says. I would prefer to be at work, with something to occupy my mind other than memories that are not all painful. I'm not sure yet if the painful memories are worse or better than the happy ones. Both make me cry. Hell, everything makes me cry. I am truly a downer today and have to find something to do with myself. My husband took my SIL fishing, and maybe I will go visit my daughter and granddaughter in a little bit. I hope that you all are having a good fourth and the happy and sad memories don't hurt too bad. Hugs to you all, and I don't know if we have anybody on here whose child died in the service of our country, but I know there are a lot of those parents out there, just from the reports of deaths in our local paper, since we live near Ft. Campbell KY. Hugs to those parents for the greatest sacrifice for our freedom.

[mysonrich]

Rhonda, I'm sorry you are feeling the painful memories, what we must also relive and wish we could do over. Maybe that train of thought is also part of healing, we, our kids, lived,loved,made decisions,acted human because,well, we are. Your boy loved you, He knew you loved him. There are words and actions that I wish I never said or acted upon, but the love was/is there and never wavered.

I worked many hours after Rich died, after the shock wore off somewhat, though I still have some problems. I still work 6 days a week. There were days and weeks when I really could not function and stayed home. Perhaps it was due to a lack of a support system . I don't know. It took time and an antidepressant to climb out of the black pit and there are days that I slip and slide. You're right, it's when there is time to think too much.

Rich loved July 4^th too. Weird laws. Pennsylvania can sell fireworks but not to Pa citizens. NJ won't allow the sale or use of fireworks unless by a professional. So, I could allow Rich to buy fireworks with his money, ( I did the actually payment) in Pa because we lived in NJ at the time. We could sneak them over the bridge into NJ , ( I'm not saying I did that ha ha ) and when the 4^th rolled around, Rich was at his dad's home, and they could set them off. Rich wasn't very happy about waiting but..he enjoyed them. Rich and his dad were at point in their relationship when they were getting to know each other on an adult level. Ocean fishing, races, working on cars together. The ex suffered a massive heart attack at age 40, they brought him back 3 times, he was in a coma for a week, triple by-pass,pace maker...anyway, I believe the ex's actions and possible chemical imbalance are now the reasons for some of his behavior and the greatest pain and grief of all.

"OUR" boys and girls

http://projects.washingtonpost.com/fallen/

[shorty16]

Boy can I relateto the talk about our impatients or the discipline we had to show our kids.

For about 2 years after Brian's death, I tormented myself with the disagreements we had and the punishments we put in place. Brian was Hell-on-wheels. He was a risk-taker and did things other kids could or would not do. I had to be tough on him to keep him on planet Earth.

I am stronger now and can push those thoughts out of my head. I was being a parent, not his best friend. He had many of those.

Aaron, my sister and I went to Wirth park yesterday. It was nice. I actually enjoyed it.

I just miss Brian so much. The sadness of not having him around and the missing of everything about him will never go away. But I am stronger now and am starting to live my life.

Love to my Indigo friends.

[ericasmom]

YES Betsy, we honor the veterans indeed. My favorite flag that flies since the Vietnam war is " LOVE THE WARRIOR< HATE THE WAR". It is time we learn to deal in different terms, not hatred adn killing. I know it sounds innocent or naive, but really, isn't it way past the time we should know how to do things in a brighter way? Yesterday when the oil spilled into the most pristine river, the Yellowstone River, isn't that another wake up call to just stop using oil in this way? Why not become greener, we know how. Why must we rely on oil? is it simply to keep the oil barons in place? I am patriotic but losing my devotion to a place that keeps status quo for the few. Sorry to go on, just so tired of America not standing for the changes that will create a more peaceful and verdant world. We should be at least in step with other countries that are moving forward into green ways to live. We should have education that isn't all about scores but about creative ways to live and produce products on the world market. My soapbox for th e4th of July.

Made a peach pie, smells great, chicken and corn on the cob, and a tomato salad...yum!

Peace one day

[daveydow1]

Leah-----I'm so glad that you came back to BI. As you say, one needs to vent, and this is the best

place to do it. Nowhere else can we get so much understanding, and from people who know,

firsthand, the sorrow that veils our lives. Sorry to hear you mom is not too well. Sending prayers

for you & your family. Peace to you, friend.

Carol-----Love the heart-shaped tomato that Ralph got at the salad bar.

Sus---Glad that you talked to your Dr's nurse about the fibromyalgia, and hope the Dr. can help.

Jackie----Thinking of you, and sending prayers. You are on this bumpy road such a short time, and

I know how the pain is so very sharp, and your heart is broken, over the loss of dear sweet Marley.

Come back to BI and post/read when you feel up to it. Everyone here knows your pain, and understands.

Betty----I so agree with you about the angels. I told my husband that the reason that Davey didn't survive

the surgery in the ER after his wreck was that his spirit was already gone to heaven. He wasn't meant

to survive, and he was taken to heaven, before he even was MedEvac'ed to the trauma center.

Our daughter told us that shortly after his death, she was praying in her bathroom, and she heard David

saying "All I know is that I was sitting in traffic one minute, and the next minute I was in heaven."

I have hung onto that all these years. As you say.....Stephen was his own person, and parents can't always

have the influence we may like to have over our children. He's an angel now, and I guess we must hold onto that fact....

that our beloved kids are happy and carefree in heaven. Much-needed rains came. The corn will grow a foot overnight, no doubt.

Good for the garden too.

Dee-----I do love the flag saying........"Love the Warrior......hate the War." Oh, if only the wars could end. Quiet

4th of July for us..... We packed a picnic, and drove a moderate distance out in the country a couple counties

away, in the area I used to live as a child. Great weather. Stopped in the village where I attended a couple years

of elem. school, and walked around a bit. It's only a population of about 1,200 people. Was much more vibrant

and busy years ago. Both my parents came from the town. Drove farther out into the next county where we also

lived at one time, to a tiny crossroads 'burg' and had our lunch at a little picnic area. Snapped a few pics of the

little country store there. Stopped for ice cream on the way home. After arriving home, we got the thunderstorm,

gave us lots of needed rain. No plans to go see fireworks. (our neighbors usually put on their own show, so

we see a few). All in all......a nice day. Thinking of you as ERi's angel day nears....prayers.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

It's one of the crappy days today. I don't feel like celebrating...blechh...I spent a nice weekend in the Carolina mountains with a friend at my brother's house. Sadly, my brother, who doesn't have any children, found out his beloved dog has leukemia and only a couple months to live. He's devastated. That's his baby. I hurt so badly for him. Then my friend's brother called her last night at my brother's and had to tell her that her dog had diied while she was away. No apparent reason. He was only 6. She also doesn't have children, so her loss is immense as well. So much sadness. I'm tired of it. When does the good stuff start happening? I hate my life now. I miss my boy. Sorry to be so negative tonight, but I know you understand. Thank you for being there.Tomorrow is another day...

With love,

Pam

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie: Loved the words you shared...every one of them etched in the heart of each of us...thank you for sharing. Holding you close in prayer as you venture down this journey you have chosen regarding the children. I can still remember when you first joined us...you truly, truly did not think that you would make it to the next breath. My heart ached each time I read your posts, your words relaying depth of your pain and loss. I am so glad that you have managed to move through this grief, and while it of course still does grab us, unmercifully at times, we know now that we can make it...we can...our angels are right by our side, walking by us, leading us. And with each step we take, we honor their being, their life, their soul...and pave a path for others to walk in our footsteps that we leave behind, as Dee has posted before.

Rhonda: I am so sorry that those memories come forward and slow down that once in a while momentum you might gain through your grief journey...you know that Westley loves you and he knows that you loved him, but sometimes it is just too difficult to remember all of that when the "guilt" comes through and attacks us. As Betsy says, maybe that is part of healing, too. I too can identify with the pain of the memories of difficult times...Mike was a rebel, unique and ferocious in everything that he went into. Sometimes it was very difficult, with his dad being a career Air Force man, and Mike seeking out so many alternative ways of living. He was a free soul, no doubt about that... He was straight as could be through all the way up through high school...never smoked, worked hard at school, was on the track and swim teams, really liked learning and discovering the world around him. He was even a boy scout til he was 18. Then...the outside world, it seems, beckoned, and he answered, vociferously. He got his first tattoo at 18, it wasn't long before others followed. Then came the mohawks, the dreds, the buzz cuts, the earrings, the nose rings, the lip rings...all and any kind of lifestyle that caught his eye...I remember the "GOTH" style...thank heavens that didn't last long! I guess the most mild-mannered stage, and longest-lived, was the hippie stage. We always said he was born 15 years too late...most of the hippies had realized by then that living out of the back of a VW van wasn't going to hack it as a lifelong lifestyle, and Mike had missed that boat. He dived into, though...feet first, no looking back. Of course, this brought about a lot of "discussions" in the house, many of which I would like to forget, but find it hard to do. I should have been more understanding, more flexible, more accepting. But, the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's" will always be there, and no matter what we did or didn't do, I don't think any of would ever say "I did enough," or, "I did it right." The best we can hope for is to allow ourselves to accept that we "did the best we could at the time, with what we had." I have to think that our angels understand this now, and unlike us, all of that is in the past for them, never to be thought of again...only joy and everlasting peace is theirs now...thankfully.

Betsy: Yes, it is good to see Rich's sweet smiling face...I am glad that you are okay...you hadn't posted in a while, so was concerned. That is just so awesome about Sarah's job and new place of residence...how great for her! It is too bad that your aunt can't see the wonder of Sarah's joy... I too am so sorry about your Aunt's and her son's attitudes, they are missing so much of the good parts of life---joy in other's happiness, for one. I am sorry that you have to deal with it all.

Colleen: So glad that you went to Wirth Park...I know that you were very hesitant about going, but I am glad you decided to go and that you had a good time. You know that sweet boy was right there with you, the whole time. We all know that sadness of not having them around, especially during special days like July 4th...they all loved those days and we miss that part, terribly. I am glad that your sister is there for you...it always helps when a family member is willing to at least try to be supportive and involved in your journey, even if it's just to be there with you, for you.

Leah: Dear friend, we are always here for you, to come and unload, to come and just "be" in a place where you are welcomed, loved, and accepted, always. I am so sorry that you are having to do all that you do...sending strength, and love and comfort to you.

Betty: I love that Stephen found the Ram truck...and that you were with him when he did. A wonderful memory that you can hold close always. I know the bittersweetness of seeing your nephew driving it can be painful, too, and I am sorry for that part of it. I think that these days always bring memories of "the way it was."

Trudi: So very sorry we missed your birthday...I was glad to hear that you did have a good day...wish so much I could have been there with you, to take a walk, have a cuppa, or just sit and "be." Thinking of you, as always.

Dee: I am glad you had such a nice day with Shannon, Jon and John...sitting around your nice newly painted home, with those you love. I know that the day brought about some tearful memories of this day 8 years ago, and am so glad that it was possibly tempered by the joy of your company being with you, sharing love, sharing moments. Your sweet Erz was right there with all of you, just on the other side of that veil, just beyond your reach, but always in your heart, surrounding your soul with with her sweetness. The week coming will be trying for you, and I am glad that you have renewed your visits with Karen, and pray that she will help you find your steady footing once again.

Our weekend has been relatively quiet...yesterday, Saturday, Cathi came over with Kameron and Jamie to go into the pool at the clubhouse...I have to be there when they are there (club rules), so she and I got to spend a long while chatting, which I always enjoy. They all went back to Cathi's house for the annual ritual of going to the local July 4th celebration in her town, followed by the fireworks of course, then home to the firepit and sitting around, watching lightening bugs--oh, so many memories surround those words. Today, Mike's friend, Denis came over early to watch the ballgame with Ralph and me and then stay for steak and corn on the cob. Davis went to spend the day with his mom, as Jamie is camping with his dad. Davis sent us a text a while ago to say he and his mom have had a good day---took the dog on a hike through a nature trail and really enjoyed it. Now they are sitting around the firepit and chatting...a good time for them both...quality time, time that they truly need right now. Yesterday, Ralph and I went to visit Mike's memorial site...sat a bit and talked about the years past, the memories surrounding these holidays...like many of your angels, Mike loved 4th of July! Every part of it... When we got home, I was coming up on the porch and noticed what I thought was a moth, flying out from the "Welcome" rock I have perched on the step...turned out to be a beautiful blue butterfly, tiny, but so pretty. It flew about the two of us, went back to the flower area, then came back and flew about each of us as we stood there on the porch. Then it settled onto the floor and allowed me to snap it's picture. I wish I could have gotten it with its wings open, as the inside of the wings were even a more beautiful blue, but I am satisfied with the picture we did get. The flowers in our yard are coming into their own now, despite the many rainstorms of the past couple of weeks, and the yard is a truly restful place. We have two chairs out in front, under a huge maple tree, and it is just so peaceful. I also put a new plant, a beautiful scarlet coreopsis, in Mike's garden area...I will take pics tomorrow...and it has made a wonderful difference. So pretty.

here is a pic of the beautiful blue butterfly (and blue is my favorite color), and a pic of Mike and me at a ballgame...the second one we attended, July 4th, 2004..also a pic of Mike, eons ago, celebrating the 4th...

love to all, hoping you were able to find peace-filled moments this weekend, memories that comforted more than hurt, even if just for a few moments.

[mikesmomrs]

Pam saw your post as I "posted" mine...so sorry that today was so crappy for you...holding you close, sending comfort and love your way. I am so sorry about your brother's pet, and also that of your friend....pets are a true part of their owner, and their loss can be heartbreaking. So sorry that you were surrounded by even more sadness, but glad that you had a good weekend away.

Sherry: So very glad that you and your hubby had a nice, peaceful day...driving to places from our past can be comforting...I am glad you found a picnic place and got home before the storm.

Sus: I hope all went well with you and yours for the weekend...I imagine it was quite filled with activity...just hope you had a chance to enjoy some of it!

[mysonrich]

July 4, 2011 8:50 PM EST NJ

[heartbeataway]

Another holiday ........ these holidays are just no fun anymore! We invited folks over yesterday. I got up and made deviled eggs, potato salad, baked beans ...... the usual picnic delisioso's ( made that word up! ) ...... even made Pina Colada cupcakes.

But we just were not in a festive mood. So, we called it off ....... grilled the burgers and ate by ourselves. Sat in the house and listened to the fireworks all around us.

Sucks doesn't it?

[mikesmum]

Just dropping by to say hi and Happy 4th. I know that there are many memories that are embedded in these holidays for you all. Bonnie so sorry you cancelled, it would be worth a plane trip for the Pina Colada cupcakes.

Dee - Thinking of you....

Have been staying at the Bay but school holidays and working parents see Granma called to duty. Back for a couple of days to collect the first 'wave' then back next weekend for the second.

Made a promise to myself that I would try just a bit harder to be present in my children/grandchildrens lives....Memories need to be made, happy ones..

Muttley has had a sore back paw this past day chewing it to pieces. Seems better this afternoon.

Message from Kathy (Summergirl) ~ unable to log on but wants you all to know she is thinking of you all.

Well back into the weather, winds, rain and 10C...ahh winter

Take Care Indigos

[summergirl]

Thank you Trudi - don't know what happened but suddenly I am back on !! I have missed everyone soooo very much. I have been very busy with Tavian, work and life in general. Summer has been beautiful so far. Went camping for a week and it was great.....sunshine the whole time. Tavian and Damien (his sidekick) fished, swam, made new friends and are completely worn out, as am I but it was worth it.

It is hard to catch up with all of you so am not even going to try...just go from here. I do think of you all each day, wonder how you are doing, feeling your pain, sorrow, tears and also your moments of joy. I have been having major meltdowns for a week or so now - can't stop them and don't try as they are needed as much as the air I breathe. As I was walking on the beach I thought " I am losing my mind - to memories" - they are all I have left.

I am very tired and need to go to bed but wanted to post a few pics first. I will be back much more often, I am missing you all. Love to all, Kathy

[Annette123]

Hi everyone

Thank you for replying to my post. It's awful that we are all united in this grief that nobody wanted. You know before Marley went, my life was perfect. I had a good job, no money worries, a nice home and most of all Marley to myself every weekend.

We used to do anything he wanted. That time was so precious to me. He wasn't a demanding child. We used to do wrestling on the bed in the morning. He never slept in his own room. When he was here with me, I'd say to him "where do you want to sleep?" and he'd say - with you nanna, I miss you. And every morning when he woke up he'd say morning nanna love you and I'd say morning Marlz love you.

It is so hard not hearing him. I kiss his photo every time I pass him, but you know Marley wasn't one for kissing, he'd do hugs, but not kiss. I suppose he'd got too old for that. He'd always hold my hand when we were out walking, and on the bus he'd sit upstairs at the back. or downstairs at the back, by the window.

I miss him so much. I'm sorry can't write anymore the tears are coming too fast to see the keyboard.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Bonnie I am so sorry that you could not go thru with the celebration. I do understand I can attend some of these events because I know I can leave when I become overwhelmed I have not entertained since Stephen Praying for you.

Sherry That garden and the corn sounds so very beautiful Your picnic to the little town were you grew up sounds very precious Beautiful experience that your daughter had after Davey passed I would cherish it. as you do

Carol Great to read about your day. So glad your family had a great day Loved the pictures of Mike such a beautiful treasure. I do hope that our very patient Damon had a great 4th

Kathy and Betsy loved your pictures So goo to see you and your wonderful angels back posting.

Trudi I agree although hard it is important to start to make some positive memories for the family again It is hard . Hope Sir Mutley is staying warm and that his paw is healing

Rhonda I agree with Colleen We were great parents, our angels KNEW they were loved and that is all that matters in the end. Our Angles loved the adventure and excitement of life, we their parents saw the dangers and tried to keep them safe (our job). Please be gentle with yourself.

Pam, good to see Andy's handsome face

Dee I hear that you and Jon and family are enjoying your newly painted so beautiful home I loved the Flag reference

I am off to So Jersey for a Memorial for my Brother in Law. My sister is bringing a digital frame with re memories and a candle Each of us have written a poem or a short funny memory of him . We all know that nothing can ease the pain of loss but I do hope this will help to ease my sister's sadness They had been together 55 years.-- a lifetime

Annette, Leah and all Indigos be safe

[ericasmom]

Busy day ahead so only a moment to say Have a good trip Betty, Bonnie, I am sorry for the blues you are feeling, Sherry, your excursion with your Husband sounds so peaceful and sweet, and Annette, we are here, keep telling us. Carol, so glad for the good day for Davis adn love the photos, Kathy, love the photos what the hell kind of fish are those? Betsy, thanks for the names of our service heroes and the photo, Trudi, love you.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's,

It was good to see Jessica and Rich's face this morning. Any news on the adoption process, Bonnie? Betty you are such a good friend and sister. 55 yrs is a lifetime! Dee how are you doing this week with so many memories and emotions approaching?

Not much to report from my end. Lots of kids, lazy grandma...nuf' said.

Peace to all. Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. July 4th used to be one of my favorite days. Spending time with my family up north at the lake. Boating, fishing, swimming, bon-fires and fireworks. I used to love teaching my boys about the importance of this date. I remember last 4th of July like it was yesterday. Brendan and I were downloading all kinds of songs, but only songs that talked about America and our soldiers. He loved all of them and sang them all so proudly. This year our 4th of July marked seven months since we lost Brendan. We did not go up north, but we did go to a party. We are still very close with Brendan's friends parents, but it is so hard to see all Brendan's friends swimming and having fun. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really did feel like I was taking baby steps forward, but the past two weeks I have been a complete mess. I feel like I am right back to square one. I miss my son so badly and don't know what to do. If I could sleep all day long I would.

I looked at some pictures of my boy this weekend. Of course I broke down immediately. Will I ever be able to look at his picture again????? I feel so guilty that we don't have any of his pictures up at our new apartment. I just cannot look at them without a complete breakdown. I feel like I am losing my mind all over again. How can we live without our son? I hate this new life. I hate everything about a life without Brendan. Sorry to be so down. Still praying for you all.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[rlolheiser]

I just wanted to tell you all thank you again for listening. Posting comes hard and I have no excuse.. no reason.. I used to be able to write so well from my heart, but my heart seems to be lost at this time. I know it is there because I come here and read, I feel, I care so much about all the losses my friends and family have here. . I just don't know where I am at this time. I hope to find me again one day soon.

Last night went fairly well. Mom was crabby and didn't want to join the family.. she wanted to .. didn't want to.. she kept me running. My son and I sent out a Memory Lantern.. kinda like a hot air baloon.. I wrote as many names as I could remember of our angels.. and a special note to JaBoa.. my son and I hugged as we watched it go out of sight..

I don't have JaBoa's picture up right now, my computer has been giving me problems and I can't get it loaded on here again... I hope to get the glitch figured out.. she is so beautiful to share.. like all of our angels.. beauty.. love.. the only one of their kind

[crystalann]

Hello all,

This was the hardest weekend so far. The 6 mo mark was the third. Then Tylers 19th birthday on the 4th.Its hard when everyone is happy and I just want to SCREAM. This is to hard

[ericasmom]

Leah, you don't need a reason to find posting difficult. In your situation, where you are the caretaker to everyone, I would think that brushing my teeth would seem hard. Just come here when you are able and let us know how you are when you can.

Peace Sweetie.

Tyler's Mom, the 6month mark was quite hard for me, and then things settled down a bit and then reared up again, it is arollercoaster for the first two years especially. Eventually, there will be some peaceful times. I swear.

[Annette123]

Hi, I'm sorry I only come on this site when I am feeling really low, because I know all of you understand what I feel as you have been or are going through the same. It is 28 weeks and 2 days since we lost Marley. Why do I feel so angry with the world. I thought I was over the angry stage It won't bring him back.

Tony - Brendan's dad. - At least your son and my grandson can play together up in heaven with the other Angels. I can't offer any other words of comfort. It must be so hard as you have moved into a new place. I was toying with that idea and had gone away to see if it would work. But no, I am stuck here. My daughter will be moving out of her flat in 2 months as her lease is up - but Marley was only in there for just over a year. I get some comfort visiting Marley's grave and keeping it looking nice, but I feel angry that he's not here with me.

I had a councelling session today but I also feel like I've gone backwards in my progress.

Fellow Indigos I just want to say Thank you - your words are helping me but I've got a long way to go.

I don't know how to put a photo of Marley on here yet, so you can see how beautiful and pure he is with a cheeky grin.

Marley, I miss you so much!!! Love you, forever in my heart.

[lolynbo]

THIS STATUE IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE MURDER OF LIL KAYLIE....AS WE PRAYED FOR KOURTNEY HER MOTHER WAS MURDERING HER, AND SHE GOT AWAY WITH IT....

[daveydow1]

Carol---Thanks for the lovely pics. I especially liked the one with you & Mike at Fenway.

Bonnie----I so understand your not feeling like celebrating. I'm the same. We didn't go

anywhere to see fireworks.......heart just was not in it. Sometimes the outlook is so bleak

that living hardly seems worthwhile. We do rally, of course, but totally understandable

to have 'lows' on this lousy road.

Betty---Dee-----I'm 'down' today, for some reason. Hope you both had a nice 4th. I'm glad

it's over now. Holidays can be such a downer....as you know, I'm sure.

Not much to say today.

Thinking of all INDIGOS, and wishing PEACE.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry