Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!!!  Greg - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

 

[briansdad]

Brian's baby placing his brick at the angel of hope on sunday.

[ericasmom]

Greg, that photo says it all. Your beautiful Grandgirl laying a stone in honor of her Daddy, your Son. Beautiful.

Lorri, tell me more about this, so hard to understand the sense used to do something so obviously destructive.

My heart to the families.

dee

[lolynbo]

AMTRACK TRAIN WAS COMING AND THE GATES WERE DOWN AND THESE YOUNG GIRLS DECIDE TO GO AROUND THE BARRIER...AND THEY HIT THE TRAIN...YOU CAN LOOK IT UP PROB ON KXII.COM  AND WE HEAR TODAY ONE HAS DIED AND ONE WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN....THEY WERE IN AN MITZ ECLIPES....I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE KIDS DID THIS...IT IS SO NEEDLESS...UNLIKE YOUR SWEET ERI..IT WAS NOT HER FAULT...A FICKN FUSE...STILL ALSO SO NEEDLESS...

[ericasmom]

Thanks so much Lorri, yes, ERi's was due to the damn fuse, after 11 months or more of reported outage. The 26 year old woman who was killed the other day was struck with no warning, poor configuration of tracks and streets, and no warning, the lights came on after it hit her, and the eye witnesses in front of her, and in back all said the same thing. Apparently, there were workers on the tracks earlier that day repairing something, and perhaps they messed up some wires of the timer. Sadness, all of it preventable.

Peace to you,

dee

[lolynbo]

 "YOUR NOT THE FIRST MOTHER TO LOSE A CHILD, YOUR NOT THE FIRST GRANDMA OR GRANDPA TO LOSE A GRAND CHILD,  GET OVER IT" Timothy Mcveigh after he murdered innocent ppl in Oklahoma.....im sure he's burning in hell!

[ericasmom]

I wonder Lorri, what put so much hatred in his soul? Tomorrow marks the anniversary of that other compound that burned, and of course, Columbine. So many made their mark on their hero's big day, April 20th is Adolph Hitler's birthday. I have a book that I share each year with my third graders, I Never Saw Another Butterfly. It is heavy, and I only share small parts of it, when they are older, 4th adn 5th, it is better understood. These are poems from one of the camps, Terezin, where most of the children were held before being sent to the various other death camps. Well someone there knew their fate adn told them to write poetry to be hidden in the floorboards so that one day, people would know what they were going through. The poems are from the innocent hearts of children, most of whom died at the hands of evil like that of McVeigh.

And so we learn from all acts, both great and evil and try very hard to rise above those that are less than good and learn from them what it takes to make sure that it never happens again.

Peace in our time,

dee

[summergirl]

Greg - as Dee said...the picture says it all.

Lorrie - I too will never understand why some children do the things they do today - what makes them get a thrill from something so dangerous... Were any of of us that way when we were young??  I believe the things some kids do today are so much more dangerous then when I was young, I could be naive but I really believe that. It just breaks my heart that these kids do things and something so tragic happens and they spend the rest of their lives living with that moment, thinking "if only I could go back and do a re-run, I would change it all".....but being young means you are invincable, tomorrow will always come and nothing bad can happen, they live in the moment never thinking about tomorrow.  I am so sorry for the families of these young girls.   I am sorry for all families that suffer the loss of a child no matter how they left this world, it just seems so much more cruel when it is senseless.  Yes, I am sure Timothy has a special place in Hell.......

Dee - I can imagine how it makes you feel when you heard of that young woman being hit by the train because no working lights or arms....so very sad. My heart goes out to the family and also to you for the memories it must stir in your soul.

It was another beautiful day today, still a bit of a nip in the air but a sweater is good. It is so nice to see everything in bloom.  Just wish my heart felt as warm as the sun is beginning to feel, missing my girl, she so loved this time of year.  How can it be that she is gone 4 years 1 and a half months ???? It feels like today and other times it feels like so very long ago since I heard her sweet voice.

Tavian is doing well in baseball, hit really well in practice tonight. He brought home a flier today to sign up for football in the fall, the cost is 125.00 to play and 35.00 for a jersey shirt !!!  Say What ???   Of course I am going to let him play but what happened to the days when it didn't cost anything to be on a team in school ???  Times sure have changed....my friend told me today that pre-school for her 2 girls cost almost as much as a mortgage a month !!! I used to pay 25.00 for a week.  I guess I never realized what these things cost until I lost Jessica and now am raising Tavian. How do parents do it when they have more than one child ??  I guess that is why we work so hard huh ??

Tavian is very tired tonight so early to bed.   Peace and love to all, sweet dreams. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hi Kath,

yes, it turns out that the young lady who was hit on the tracks was hit because the workers from earlier in the day disconnected the wires unknowingly. DId anyone think to try the lights and gates before putting away the tools? THat is all it would have taken, that is all.

Prayers for the hearts that are broken.

dee

[Guest]

GRIEVE

It was all that was written on the huge, beautiful headstone.  Both sides.  No name.  No dates.  Just GRIEVE..........giving us permission to mourn.

As I walked through the cemetery this evening I felt bathed in peace. 

May that peace also float over and through each of you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Brian,

Love the picture of Alyssa placing the brick. Sweet girl!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[shorty16]

My Indigo Friends

Today, I mailed another letter to a family who has lost a child.  A 5 year old girl was hit by a car on her bike - Mom was right there. - I thought about our angel, Rohan

I know the intersection well - Heavily pedestrian traffic; it is an outdoor mall.  The police have not released the name of the 49 year old women who hit the girl and dragged her 60 ft.  How do you do that when people are everywhere???????

I am sick inside.  The Mother and Dad are on their knees gasping for air.  A tape is playing in their head over and over again reliving the accident.

I told her about us. 

Kill someone in a car and you will not be at fault - I am ill over this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lorri

That statement from Timothy McVei(sp) makes me sick to my stomach.

GET OVER IT - NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot believe he said that?

This loss is all-encompassing, ever-lasting, and very deep into our souls.

Love to my friends today - What would I do without you?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Indigo's

Lorri - I ask myself that question everyday?  How could Brian and his friends do something so dangerous?

I do not know the answer to that, but I do know that my Brian was an adrenalin(sp) junkie.  Faster, higher, stronger, That was it.

While us parents are left behind to pick up the shattered pieces.

Some questions just do not have answers while we are here on Earth and that is one of them "WHY?"

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[briansdad]

You know losing Brian really hurt.... but what hurts almost as much is yesterday was Brian's birthday and not one of my family called me just to say how are you or to see if we were doing anything special.

[ericasmom]

Greg, that is a sadness I don't get. How do we go on and pretend, why would anyone do that? Is it that they just forget, or is it that they don't want to feel the ache of this special day for you? I am sorry, and I am so glad that this family holds you and Dear Bri close.

dee

Col, you are a big help to the families who recently lose their child. I wouldn't say that the folks whose actions caused the death are guilty as such, until we know what really happened. Was the child cutting between two cars as recently happened here, and there was no way a car could see this little one, tiny as she was and no warning, just shot out, and hit. Teh driver was not charged in that case nor should have been as there was no way to stop in time...each circumstance is different from the next, but my prayers surround them. And I am so proud of how you will guide them.

dee

[shorty16]

Dee

I do understand Innocent until proven guilty and accidents do happen. 

I know this area very well.  My mother and I shopped there often.  She grew up in Greendale.

The whole area is one big cross-walk - people crossing all over.  Speed limit 5mph.

There is a reason they are not releasing her name.

Colleen

[hotsauce]

Greg, i am sorry, but family is the worst

hugs

mary ann

BRIAN'S mom

[ericasmom]

Sadness Col, I am so sorry.

Do you mean that they are protecting someone in keeping her name?

dee

[lolynbo]

GREG, IM  SORRY I NO THAT HURTS THE WORSE...I HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT....

BRAINS MOM, I NO HE WAS A DAREDEVIL AND A SPUR OF THE MOMENT JUDGEMENT COST HIM HIS LIFE AND YOUR TRYING TO LIVE WITH IT....(I SURE DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELNS)...PEER PRESSURE IS VERY POWERFUL.....I HOPE I DIDNT UPSET U...I WOULDNT WANT TO HURT U IN ANY WAY...

[daveydow1]

Hello to all here at BI.... I'm finally able to get back on the site...(this time).

Dee---So sorry to hear of a young girl being hit by a train, caused by the

negligence of the workers who did not do a final check. Prayers for her family.

Yes, the poems that you can share with the older elementary kids can give

them an idea of the conditions and fear of the children at the concentration

camps. The stories are horrifying and sad. I read one, of a woman (a survivor

of the camps) who had her boy with her, and the officers came to her in line

and ask her if the boy should be in the man's  or youth camp. Thinking that

rumors she heard told her that the youth camp would be the next to be gassed,

she said......"the man's camp"......hoping to save her boy, and they took him.  She

 later learned that it was the "man's camp" that was gassed.  She wailed and wept

 because she had made the decision for her son to go to the  camp that had been

gassed that day. So very sad.

Susannah----Oh, that headstone says it all, doesn't it ?  The person who ordered

the stone must have had a vision that it would stand for all time, with the words

and feelings that would remain in his/her heart.

Greg----I agree with MaryAnn......sometimes families are the worst for not

remembering.  (not always, of course.......but from MY experience.....they all

 usually forget.)  It does hurt.....you are right.

Colleen---I'm sorry to hear of the dear little girl who was hit by a car & killed.

Prayers for her family.

Betty----How's your birdwatching going?  Also, is the little injured squirrel still

around......wanting a handout.?  Peace to you.

Sonya----So nice to see sweet Danielle's smile whenever I'm able to get on BI.

I may be getting a better connection pretty soon....I hope so. I miss all my friends

here at Beyond Indigo.

Peace and tranquility to each and everyone here in the BI family. 

           Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry          

[mikesmum]

[align=center]The trials and tribulations of raising a child fade to insignificance when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]The world you’ve come to know changes before your very eyes, when your child dies.[/align]

[align=center]Life’s priorities change your focus shifts, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]You have a million unanswered questions, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]You challenge your own beliefs and question your own life, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]You live in a parallel universe of then and now, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]The future is forever altered, the past more precious than you know, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]The love you have for your child is reflected in the depth of your grief, when you child dies[/align]

[align=center]Time is no longer relevant it plays tricks with your memory, when a child dies[/align]

[align=center]It’s like reading a wondrous story with the last chapter missing, when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]There are pockets of sadness, endless tears and a hollow ache when your child dies[/align]

[align=center]You find your heart still beats the world still turns, when you child dies.[/align]

[align=center]When they are born they capture a part of your heart they take with them, when a child dies[/align]

[align=right]~Trudi~[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[hotrod]

Hello My Dear Indigos

 

I have missed you all so very much

 

Trudi  Your poem said it all. What a beautiful expession of your heart  Thank you!!!

 

 I agree when  a child dies  The world and the Mom are  forever changed.  I know that a huge part of my heart went with Stephen!!.

 

I have found that these past few weeks I cannot post or connect with anyone on any  level what so ever.  .  The sadness which is always there has just enveloped me.  I am truly going thru the motions and it  is just that " Going thru the motions." 

 

 Sherry my little squirrel is still there each morning and I feed him and he warms my heart for a moment. I did see another NY Hawk with the Black Birds chasing him on Saturday on my meaningless walk.

 

 Dee my little foster fury kittens are growing and are so very sweet (for an instant) but the overall feeling of overwhelming sadness is forever there.

 

 I can come here see Eri and Danielle's and Stephenies  lovely Faces. Read Dee's and Sonya's  inspirational words.  Look at Davey's Handsome face, Read Sherry's kind compassionate words and know that I am not alone.

Carol Seeing Mikes wonderful smile and reading your sweet knowing  words touch my soul.  Your sharing the wonder of Damon with us is very powerful  I pray for your peace. 

 

 Mary Ann, Lorrie, Colleen and Greg and Susannah  I understand the pain  each of you has  expressed and am with you in your sadness.   I know how Betsy felt in resigning from her job and pray she is well and finds her peace but I cannot be uplifting or positive. 

 

I just wanted to connect and say I miss you all and am truly grateful for this site and all of your warm hearts.

 

 I continue to hold each of  in my  prayers and ask that you do the same for me

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:(

 

[summergirl]

Trudi - absolutely beautiful.....tears as I read your words.

Greg - how sad it is that family can hurt us so much, losing Brian is a pain that will never be surpassed but the silence of family rips apart what is left of our hearts.

Colleen - what a blessing you are to those new to this suffering. I would have loved to have someone like you in my life when we lost Jessica....a letter, a call....what magic you share.

Went to the doctor today for the second part of my physical, had to have a sonogram of the heart, neck, stomach...yuk...but I must say the young man who did the test was so sweet...he was showing me my heart and I got teary eyed and that was all it took, we ended up talking through the entire rest of the test all about Jessica and Tavian.....he asked many questions (he has an 8 year old) and it felt so wonderful to answer them, to have someone actually ask me about what happened, how we are doing, did Tavian need therapy, how is he now, what was Jessica like, how do we survive.......a complete stranger who made my day...why can't other people be like that once in a while????

Another beautiful day.....Barry is doing well and actually tried his bike tonight, rode it down the road a bit to test it out but decided he needs to buy a "comfy seat" HA HA, I had to laugh as I am sure it hurt !!!!

To all indigo's - I hope you have a wonderful night, sweet dreams and peace, Kathy

[aviemare]

Hello New Friends:

I read all your posts and can only cry with you at your sorrows.  I can offer no words of comfort for I cannot yet be comforted myself by any means.  Perhaps that will pass in time; perhaps not.  My days are divided into two sections:  the times I'm crying and the times I'm worn out and out of tears from crying. 

I think I cry in my sleep because I noticed my big fat Ragdoll kitten Merlin has taken to sleeping by my head and I wake up to find him washing my face with his little sandpaper tongue.  Guess salty tears are good kitty electrolytes.  I don't even care about his germ-y little maw.  News at 11:  Death by Kitty Spit:  It CAN HAPPEN to YOU!

I attended the Masonic Convention with my husband this weekend.  On Friday night as I lay in the hotel room I looked at the clock and told Jim that it was 11:20 pm; the exact time two Fridays ago we got the CALL about Nicole.  I took one of the Urn-Share Teddy Bears I had purchased with me and slept with it and her baby blanket.  It was comforting to have even her ashes next to me, tucked away in the back of the big teddy.  I HIGHLY recommend these bears to people, and especially young children.  I'm not young by any means, but still find my bear comfortable. 

I have a second bear that I dressed in the tiny dress that Nicole wore when she was born. I put a newborn pic taken in the hospital with her wearing the same dress in a little jewelry frame around the bear's neck.  Its so odd to see a picture of my little baby from 26 years ago wearing a dress that is now right in front of me.  Wish I could trade the damned dress for Nicole.  But then, we don't get a say in these things, do we?

The convention itself was so boring that I wanted to take my fashionable scarf that perfectly matches my self-designed Swarovski Crystal necklace and tie them together to hang myself from the nearest beam.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph, was that an ordeal. 

I found myself opening up to the Hispanic staff and ignoring the convention people, who seemed like plastic to me.  My daughter-in-law is Hispanic and she is very helpful to me right now, so I guess I chose what was familiar and loved.   I only spoke to 4 people there:  the housekeeping supervisor who had lost her mother and Abuelita; the service desk guy who helped me with my luggage, the server at breakfast who was an elderly woman who had lost her mother 2 months ago, and a woman at our table who had lost her baby girl in the 8th month of pregnancy.

I don't know how or why, but I instinctively know who has lost someone and only feel that I can talk to others who know my grief right now.

I got Nicole's hair back from the Funeral Director.  He had tried to wash it, bless his heart, but then he put it in a plastic bag and the knave did not call me to get it right away like he promised.  What happens to wet hair from a dead person that is put in plastic?  If you guessed a mildew odor then you are correct.

Well, never mind that.  With enough essential oils and lotions and potions I got my baby's hair fairly nice smelling and have been making some pretty jewelry and things out of it.  When I get them done I will post pics.  I must say:  I have been working with horsehair for several years making jewelry for horse owners, but am totally unaccustomed to working with fine human hair.  There is so much waste from back-combing that I finally stopped and decided no more bracelets after one small one and one thick one.  I want to save the rest for Nicole's baby Nickolus to have when he grows up.  I will make other items that require less hair but are still very nice.

I must say:  I was one of the strangest feelings I have ever experienced; to work with my daughter's hair.  To comb the hair of your dead child that you had just combed a few weeks ago while she was alive is very humbling.  The range of emotions that I felt were so strong and varied that I was initially very overcome by the experience. 

While I don't think this type of thing is for everyone (or very many for that matter) I am glad I am doing it because my children and Nicole's son and fiance will look at the things I make down through the years and eventually smile.  I hope they remember how difficult is was for me to do it, and how it was a testament of my love for them, the Living, that drove me forward when, at times, it threatened to overwhelm me completely.

Well, the In-Laws and my mother are coming next week.  Things just keep getting better and better!  Guess I should get off my fat gelatinous butt and clean this house up.  Nobody has done squat since Nicole passed on the 2nd.

Till next time.

Peace & Happy Trails,

Anni

[aviemare]

Trudi:

Such a beautiful poem and every word taken from my own thoughts and put to pen.

Thank you for showing me that I'm not crazy and that my world really is spinning around me after all.

-Anni

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, I'm so sorry your family members were such a disappointment yesterday, of all days. SO many of us can relate to how that feels. The only one that ever mentions Joey to me in my family is my mom...She gets it. People in general are so self-centered. It's not necessarily that they aren't lovely to us when they see us. But feeling out of sight out of mind does hurt. I hope you, your lovely wife and Brian's Baby Girl were able to find joy together in the midst of the pain. The brick ceremony looked lovely, and your photos (I saw posted on FB) were precious!

All, I've been trying to sort out and catch up on paperwork that I let slide, annual ministry tax report (Yay), bookkeeping, and project preparations before Marcia comes to see me 2 weeks from tomorrow. YAY!!!! She and I are going to celebrate Mother's Day together for our Bethany and Joey. I'm VERY excited about that!!! So for now, LOVE & HUGS!!!! xoxoxo

[ericasmom]

Anni,

you do have a sense of humor through the pain, which will go a long way to helping you climb up out of some of the pits we all fall in. I am holding you as you let us know more about you and Jessica. I don't know how you went to the convention, but I do so easily see why and how you knew who was available to talk with. The instincts of those of us who have lost a Child. Good luck Sweetie.

Trudi and Betty, a wonderful double header today to see you both. Trud, the poem is a testament to the ache you know so well, to the love you hold so deeply. Thanks for sharing it with us. Beautiful.

Betty, you do make a difference for others here just in case you may feel you have nothing to offer, you really have offered much, and I love you for all of your heart and your walks around NYC too. The view into the lives of one another is an invaluable gift, a way to connect to the family we become. Thanks.

Kathy, good for you going for your check up and good for Barry going for a bike ride. All nice things.

Sherry, lovely to see you again my friend. Hey that is a line from the Moody Blues Threshold of a Dream album, which I played today for my kids while they wrote new poems. And it is, lovely to see you again my friend.

Peace to all that find their hearts wandering,

love to you all,

dee

[ericasmom]

Claudia, I am so excited to hear that Marcia is going to visit you for Mom's Day, what a wonderful experience to look forward to for you both. Exciting.

Well, tonight my husband took me to dinner, (my b-day) and then we watched Jonathan play softball with the team his is on, along with three of my nephews. It was great fun to be out at the ball field again, first game of the season. It has been a lovely day, with some bittersweet ofcourse, another birthday without the physical presence of Eri, I was 2 weeks shy of 28 when I had my Girl. Tomorrow is Michael's birthday, another difficult mark of time for Jonathan, but I know his Daddy is watching over things, loving His Son as he always has, but from a different plane.

Deep love to you my Eri Girl, feeling you throughout the days, loving you and missing you in each. Love to you Michael Dear, my dear dear old friend, Daddy to our Sweet Babies. I miss you.

[hotsauce]

DEE, happy birthday

[ericasmom]

Thanks Mary Anne,

it was a good day, many things to smile about but tears also in my alone times, a song, a bird tweeting, a flower near ERi's tree, just some of the bitter with so much of the sweet. Husband and I were talking about the weirdness of time at dinner, how it is impossible to believe that Eri has been gone this long. She used to be a very thoughtful purchaser for birthdays, when she was 10, she walked to the Teacher's Store near our home, and bought me two posters for my classroom. One was a giant red octopus or squid, can't remember. The other had a dog and kitty on it, laying next to one another, and it said; If you want a friend, you must be a friend.

She is dearly in place in my heart, and dearly missed. Who would she be now? I will never know, and usually don't go there much anymore. Would she still have dread locks? Be a parent? Where would she live? Would she have gone to school more seriously?

AHHHH, my little Girl, help me do the things in this world that matter most.With all my heart, I want to make you smile that beautific smile. Shine on us today and each, hold your Daddy's hand and give him a birthday kiss from me.

[lolynbo]

DEE HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY...I PRAY YOUR SWEET GIRL WAS WITH YOU.....HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSS

[nicksdad]

Dee....Late Happy Birthday....I would only hope that Erica would still have the dreads...I really like them..

Greg...Sorry to hear that nobody contacted you..It is a blessing that Brians beautiful

baby has you....

Right up the road from my house 2 weeks ago car accident 2a.m. 4 boys in car drinking, excessive speed. One without seat belt passed away..

This weekend two 17 year old boys midnight, car accident both passed away..

I need to quit reading the paper and the obit's on a daily basis. I read them then

get upset/mad when I see things like that. I feel soooo bad for their familes knowing

what they are going to go thru.

[ericasmom]

My thanks for the birthday wishes.

I am so sorry for the losses so close to your home, I know that they make your heart ache.

I like Eri's dreads very much too, thanks for that.

dee

[shorty16]

My Indigo Pals

No one on this site could upset me when they speak from their heart.

I also know that I am super sensitive concerning car accidents.  Living through court hearings where Brian was bad-mouthed and the driver was made out to be the good guy.

My view is screwed - and probably always will be.

You are all right - how much would we have given to get a letter from someone who knows.  I wrote on the bottom of the letter I sent to the family - You are not alone!.

I felt so along in the beginning of my grief, no one else I knew had lost a child.  People treated me like a disease.

Last Mother's day, Brian's cornea recipient sent me flowers.  He stated he was "passing forward" what someone had done for his wife.  I was floored.

I am going to do that this year with someone.  I hope that small sentiment of flowers on Mother's Day from someone who cares, will help this person.  I am going to Pass it forward.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  It sounds like you had the best birthday possible, mixed with bittersweet memories, but filled with love and beautiful history.  And Greg, so beautiful, the picture of sweet Alyssa, placing the brick in honor of her daddy.  I am so sorry about your family...it is so hurtful to us, and so many of us have to experience it, sadly. 

Betty:  so glad to see your post again, and Stephen's wonderful face.  I am sorry that you have been on the downward spiral, and pray that you will find the strength to climb back up soon...sending prayers and hugs to you, dear friend.

Claudia and Marcia:  How wonderful!!!  Have a terrific trip, and I know that all of the days you spend together will be burned into your memories forever...bringing comfort and smiles long after you have said your farewells. 

Dan:  the tragedies near where you live...so very sad, and so very unnecessary...my prayers go out to their families.

Colleen:  That is such an awesome thing for you to do...and I am so very glad that Brian's cornea recipient thought to send you flowers...what a beautiful thank you and reminder that part of Brian lives on, helping others. 

This is going to be a lengthy post, because I have something I really need to share with people who I know will truly understand.

I heard from a very old friend yesterday...a wonderful woman I met in my last months of pregnancy with Mike.  When we met, she had moved in just across the street and she had just had a little boy, 3 months previous, and her older children were the same ages as our girls...the youngest being 8 years older than the new baby, just like Mike's sister Cathi was when he was born.  I guess because of the similarity of our life circumstances, we struck up an immediate friendship that lasted until her husband was transferred out of state, two years later, and beyond, and we left shortly after for another assignment.  We kept in touch for a long time, and then over the years, as often happens, we lost touch.  We are going to talk on the phone this weekend...she is still working and isn't home during the day on week days.  I haven't told her about Mike yet.  I didn't want to do it in an email, and I dread doing it over the phone.  (She lives in Florida)  Our friendship began with the sharing of our new experience...that of having a new infant in the house, with our other children 8 years ahead of the baby.  We shared so much with those new babies...she and her husband "proxied" at Mike's baptism for my sister and her husband, who couldn't be there...she was the only person I trusted with Mike and I was the only person she trusted with her Ron...she and her husband went away for a weekend (he was a jet fighter pilot always away on flight training missions and they didn't get to spend a whole lot of alone time together), and we offered to take the kids so they could have a couple of days alone.  I remember that she gave me a list of things to do for the baby's "nighttime routine" which included some odd but understandable things (i.e., he wore a harness, but it wasn't fastened to anything; he just liked to have it on, he needed three "pluggies" in bed with him)...and she was so worried that I would think it was all just too weird and unnecessary.  She practically held her breath while I read the list...when I finished, I just said 'Okay, this is great.  I wouldn't want him to be upset because things were different for him."  Her eyes filled up and she hugged me and said "I knew you would understand."   And I did.  I don't know if everyone in that situation (a new baby after the others are older)  feels the same, but we both understood that having this baby so much later after the others, it was a totally different situation.  We had the time, the experience, the "room" to be so close to this child---all of our children were beautiful, awesome gifts, but this child, born long after we had gotten over the "first child" jitters and uncertainty about our parenting capabilities...was just, special, in a different way.  This child was in a special place...a place by himself, almost, and had the total attention of not only his parents, but also of his older siblings, who just loved him to pieces, because they too, were older and different than when they were smaller and had to share the limelight of being toddlers together. This child was the limelight...for all of us. 

Not long after Mike passed, my daughter Cathi posted a blog about how much different she thought my sorrow must be from hers, and how much more painful it must be.  This was triggered by a story she was reading about a mother losing her youngest child.  Cathi wrote in part: "When my brother came along [eight years after me], things were totally different. Here at last was a child she knew how to hold, how to care for... here was a child she could raise while breathing at the same time."

My friend and I both recognized this in each other, and honored it with and for each other, sharing each tiny milestone as if it were a new event in the world.  And it was.  For us anyway.  And so, our friendship grew from the shared love and experiences of these new babies; her Ron and my Mike.  And now I have to tell her that Mike is gone.  In her short email to me, arranging for the phone call, she wrote:  "I still have a leather bookmark you gave me on May 13th, 1977 (the day they left Texas).  On the front is 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."  On the back you wrote: "Sonnie: Your influence led to my belief in this scripture.  God bless --Carol."  I keep it displayed on this coffee table thing in the room where I spend the most time, relaxing, praying, watching television, reading books, and writing emails. It is very special to me because it reminds me of a very special family who was very kind and loving to me and my kids at a time when I really needed the kind of friends who would open their home and their hearts and welcome me and my four kids (while Ron was TDY so much) with open arms!

The day before she wrote this, I was reminding Ralph about how we had gotten the wooden cross that hangs by our front door, and has hung by the front door of every house we've lived in since Sonnie gave it to us when they left Texas.  It is the same cross on which hung Mike's chain that held his silver cross we gave him for his confirmation (he was 15), and the first time he took it off was when he left for the Marines..and he draped it on that wooden cross.  It was still there when he got back, and stayed there as he traveled through troubled times, wondering if there really was a God and then, sadly and heartbreakingly for us, deciding that there wasn't.  It was still hanging there when he got married to Sarah...in a Wiccan ceremony, and Sarah asked if she could wear it at their wedding because she was a Christian and wanted that to be her "something old."  It was returned to the wooden cross after the wedding ceremony.  It was still there when Mike became ill and was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  It stayed there for another four months or so after that, and one day Mike said "I think I need to re-evaluate my beliefs.  I feel I am having a true crisis in my spiritual life, and feel empty."  And we talked, for a long time.  The silver cross was finally removed from its place on the wooden cross by the door when Mike came to me a few weeks later and said "I would like to have my cross back, and to go to church again and to renew my faith and commitment to Jesus Christ."  I finally let my breath out. (I hope I don't offend anyone here by referring to our religion, I sure don't mean to...I accept anyone's beliefs as their own and respect their right to have them, but our families are Christians, our families have practiced this since forever, and Mike's turning away when he was younger was a painful time for all of us...we knew we had to let him choose "his own way," but our beliefs ran deep, and so we worried, and prayed, and worried some more, and prayed some more.) 

And so, even without knowing it, Sonnie and her family, through their gift of this wooden cross, stayed a part of our lives...just like we stayed part of theirs with her placement in a prominent place of the bookmark from me so long ago---    And now I have to tell her that Mike is no longer here.  That Mike grew up, got to be his always-wished-for 6 feet tall (a joke with us in earlier years), had children, and now is gone from this earthly plane.  I know from seeing pictures the other day that her Ron is now well over 6 feet tall and just had another child, a beautiful little girl, a few months ago...  he is a wonderfully handsome, healthy-looking grown man, with his own family...and when I tell her about Mike, she will cry.  And I will cry.  We will cry together.  She will understand my pain as much as it is possible for anyone who has not personally known it, and of course I pray she never does. 

I just wish so much, so very much, that I could say "Oh, yes, Mike has his own little family, too, and is doing just great!"  Am I weird for feeling so much pain over having to tell her?

I am sorry for rambling, but I did warn you that this was going to be a lengthy post...I had a lot of words and thoughts and memories I had to process, and you guys are the best people in the world that I know to process such with...I hope you all understand.  And I thank you for being here...you all are gifts, blessings. 

Sending love and peace for this beautiful day to all of my Indigo friends...

carol  mikesmomrs

[debbief]

Hi Dee happy birthday, have just come on and seen all the good wishes, you are such a supportive person, you have such a big heart.

I have had the day off today to look after my darling little granddaughter, my Lucy went for an audition for the X Factor but didn't get through even though she has a very good voice, still maybe it's for the best, expect Sammy was there supporting her and hopefully making sure what ever happened it was the right thing.  She hasn't managed to get to Singapore but maybe next month, again I think my Sammy was watching over as he knew she could have been stuck over there!

I had a lovely card from a friend when Sam passed over and it read ~

"He is Only Away, in your thoughts and your heart, you are always together, never apart. In your sorry remember, he's only away, though he may not be with you, the memories stay and in time, when the hurt isn't too much to bear, whenever you look in your heart, he will be there!"

When I finally do Sam's headstone (which is such an awful thought) I will use the first line, as my Sam is only away as is all your Angels, we will see them again sooner rather than later for me.

Lorri that story about the girls being hit is awful and so unneccesary, such a waste of life, why do we take such chances? My Sammy was some what like that, a free spirit, he was never afraid even as a little boy, GOD I would give anything to just hold him one more time and tell him I love him. I had said a few months previous to Sam to always say goodbye as you never know, I could kick myself as I never said goodbye to him that night, how I hate myself for that, my boy my darling boy, gone now until my day comes.

Take care in your daily life, life is so precious and fragile.

My Sammy was such a poser, check the photo out!

Debbie Sammy's mum x

 

 

 

[Guest]

Hi Everyone.

Carol, I understand the anxiety and emotion in telling someone you know loves your son that he has passed on.  She will grieve as if he just passed even though some time has passed.  Of course you dread it.  You love her, too. 

A few weeks ago, I sat outside with my son and his wife on their deck around 11pm.  A pickup truck full of teenage boys (they could have been older.  Everyone looks young to me these days) anyway, they were driving quite fast through the neighborhood with the dome light of the truck on being loud and yelling and laughing.  They sped by about three times.  I expressed my concern and my son told me to leave them alone, they're just having fun. 

I thought of you, Colleen.  I told my son, "No way!  Those boys have parents.  For those parents, I'm calling the police." 

I'm sure the boys and/or the parents didn't appreciate my sticking my nose in their "fun"..........but, considering the consequences that could have happened, I really don't care.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aviemare]

[align=center]I Am a Mother[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]I am a Mother who’s Child [/align] [align=center]was Sweet.[/align] [align=center]She left with the Baby’s Breath of Spring[/align] [align=center]upon her lips and in her heart, [/align] [align=center]and answered when she heard[/align] [align=center]Bluebells ring.[/align] [align=center]And her hair; it flowed as water[/align] [align=center]where the rivers and the ocean come[/align] [align=center]to meet.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]I am a Mother who’s child[/align] [align=center]has died.[/align] [align=center]I cannot “stay strong”,[/align] [align=center]when all my world has crumbled,[/align] [align=center]and in this living Hell no human[/align] [align=center]should belong.[/align] [align=center]There can be no end [/align] [align=center]to the tears that I[/align] [align=center]have cried.[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]I am a Mother who’s Child has[/align] [align=center]a Child.[/align] [align=center]A little boy lost without Mommy’s charms,[/align] [align=center]all sandy hair and pouting eyes,[/align] [align=center]who has now fallen from[/align] [align=center]her arms.[/align] [align=center]How will he grow; like a tree straight [/align] [align=center]and tall or bush full of thorns that grows reckless[/align] [align=center]and wild?[/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center]She is the child of a Mother [/align] [align=center]that died; [/align] [align=center]who’s forgotten the sound of laughter too soon.[/align] [align=center]And they say she now dwells all alone[/align] [align=center]in some place far away from the Sun and[/align] [align=center]the Moon.[/align] [align=center]They said that time [/align] [align=center]heals, but I tell you,[/align] [align=center]they lied.[/align]  

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Sorry I missed your birthday!  Sure hope it was happy!

Love for the journey,

Bonnie

[summergirl]

Hello dear Indigo's - first I would like to ask you for prayers for a dear friend of mine in her young 40's who had a massive heart attack yesterday, she is stable and resting comfortably (thank God). They did emergency surgery and saved her life and I am grateful to all emergency personnel and the doctors for that, but mostly to God.

Anni - love the poem, so true and beautiful and sad.  I love the talk of the jewlery you make and cannot wait to see them posted. It makes my heart happy to hear of you combing your sweet Nicole's hair and making a beautiful memory with it. I am intrigued by how you make your jewlery.   As Dee said, it is nice to see that you have a sense of humor in such a trying time.   I remember the feeling of being so alone when Jessica left us, no one understood my pain, it was as though after the first couple of weeks all went back to "normal" for all others except me and I had so much anger at them "how dare they go on laughing and living life, what is wrong with everyone????"...well, life does go on as here I am just past 4 years, never the same life but a life.  Glad you posted.

Dan - how true, sometimes I wish I did not read or hear on tv of another tragic loss of a child...it hurts so much inside and my heart breaks for the families.

Dee - Happy, Happy Birthday, sorry I missed it.   I believe your Eri would still be the free spirit she was / is, her beautiful dredlocks there. Peace to you my friend.

Colleen - what a wonderful idea, to send someone flower's on Mother's Day...you sure are special....

Wow - another beautiful day so I am sure the rain will appear soon.  Tavian will be having Damien over on Saturday for a play date / sleep-over....need to save my energy....

Love and Peace to all Indigos....Kathy 

[zachysmom]

Hi all,

 I haven't posted in awhile. Some good news and some bad.

Good first.

We moved back to hamilton and Elisha gets to finish the school year in oxford.

Counselling is going good for both her and I.

now the bad.

 As you guys know I have had a tree decorated with lights and different seasonal decorations. Well there is a thief at the cemetery. one worker pulled up the tree took off the lights which were attached to the tree. and threw the tree in the dumpster. He stole the lights. The tree we pulled out of the dumpster. It angers me that an adult would steal from the grave site of anyone let alone a 5 yr old angel.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Happy Day After your Birthday!!!

Carol, Since you and Sonnie share faith together and have walked with another in faith throughout your early family years, I believe God has already cemented a foundation of loving support and fellowship between the two of you. It's absolutely normal to feel so much pain that you must share such a sad life event and loss so immediately upon finding one another, and I am certain that Sonnie will grieve for you and with you. But at the same time, with such emphasis on the cross story and how Mike brought the Prodigal Son story to life in your own heart and circumstances, that he came back to himself and his faith, I believe Ronnie will also rejoice with you in thankfulness that Mike found peace of an eternal measure. With such faith you both know that our lives here are temporal, and that eternity bears so much more life than we could ever imagine in the earthly perspective. This will allow you to celebrate life in the midst of mourning loss through the steps of grief all over again as you share with Ronnie. Just let the Spirit of God guide your words and heart, and no matter if laughter or tears, I believe you and she will both feel blessed and encouraged as you rejoice, even in sadness of things shared, in the newness of an old friendship found again after so many years. God has brought you two back together for a reason far greater than either of you may even know, and what wonders to discover together. I will hold you up in my prayers for the coming weekend and the difficult moments through your phone reunion, praying and knowing that you will be fortified in strength and faith, and in loving warm friendship...an old kinship rekindled. Much love!!! ~Claudia xoxoxoxo

[briansdad]

[user=35331]zachysmom[/user] wrote:

 As you guys know I have had a tree decorated with lights and different seasonal decorations. Well there is a thief at the cemetery. one worker pulled up the tree took off the lights which were attached to the tree. and threw the tree in the dumpster. He stole the lights. The tree we pulled out of the dumpster. It angers me that an adult would steal from the grave site of anyone let alone a 5 yr old angel.

Well along the same line some ass hat grounds keeper at the catholic cemetary couldn't keep from cutting Brian's balloon loose with the the F%$in weed eater.If I ever see him up there my wife will be bailing me out of jail.

Just so you know the wonderful catholic church who run our cemetary doesn't allow anything but 2 flower arrangements. I HATE those ass holes. All they want to do is run your life from cradle to the grave and I was brought up catholic...... but no more!!!!! I will NOT tollerate them intruding into my grief!!!!!! I am soooo pisssed.

[lolynbo]

 that story about the girls being hit is awful and so unneccesary, such a waste of life, why do we take such chances? My Sammy was some what like that, a free spirit, he was never afraid even as a little boy, GOD I would give anything to just hold him one more time and tell him I love him. I had said a few months previous to Sam to always say goodbye as you never know, I could kick myself as I never said goodbye to him that night, how I hate myself for that, my boy my darling boy, gone now until my day comes.

HE HEARS YOU MOMMA HE KNOWS....

WENT TO OKC TODAY TO SEE KIMMY AND CARLEY AND EAT AT OUTBACK..(FRIKN GOOD)...CARLEYS WATER HAS BROKE AND IS SEEPING OUT AND THEY HOPE TO KEEP HER AND BABY IN THERE FOR 4 MORE WEEKS...HAVE U EVER HEARD OF THIS, IN MY DAY THAT WAS CALLED A DRY BIRTH?????

[ericasmom]

So many posts and I am a tired woman who wants to respond to all but probably will not as my old eyes are slamming. It has been a busy day and now I am about all in, but let's see if I can do this;

Carol, I agree with Claudia, you and Sonnie have had a strong and unshakable connection, you were supposed to know one another and she is back in your life for a reason. She was never gone, nor were you from her life, so as you rejoin, you will let her know that Mike indeed was 6 ft. tall, that he left his beliefs for a time, a long while as he tried to find what he felt made the world go round, he bcame a husband and a father to boys so like him, and then he became ill. His illness was terminal and he found time in that which remained, to reinvest his heart into his old religion, to make peace with those things that caused uphevel, and he left here in his worn out body with a full heart. Yep, you will cry, she will cry and she somehow will know how you feel because she is connected to you in ways that few could be.

I think it is dear of you to not want to upset her, but I know that had this been reversed, you would dearly want to know. The grace that you share will carry you through this time. I know that when I meet up with folks that I knew or had a connection with before Erz died, and then see them afterwards, it is very emotional. When someone says, "so what's new, how are the kids?" They simply don't know and it is a terribly awkward time, but we find ways. You will find your way Carol.  Love you.

Kath, prayers for your dear friend. Healing, repair, good health.

Deb, I am glad that Lucy is home and that she never got to Singapore so she won't get stuck there either. Sammy hears you Deb, he knows that you wished you'd said goodnight, but he also would want you to know that there is nothing for you to feel sorry for, he knows of your love adn it helps him fly freely.

Annie, your poetry is really beautiful.

I know that it feels as though all the words of good intentions are lies,

and perhaps some of them are, but I do believe that some of them were written by those who also found themselves in deep pain and loss.

I for one, will honestly hope that eventually, there will be some sort of acceptance of Jess leaving, and some sort of peace will be made in your life. We are never quite the same but we become even more as we find ways to both gather the good of our Child inside of us, while at the same time releasing some of that goodness to his/her friends, family, and the world. NOt now, it is so soon, but later on when the shock of this loss moves aside to allow for the next phase of this journey.

Bonnie, thanks sweetie, the birthday was very nice.

Kath, thanks, I think Erz would still be a free spirited young lady as well.

Beth, that is good news, so glad that your Girl gets to be in this place now. Great that the school is one she enjoys. SOrry though about the robbery at the cemetery. No accounting for smarts.

Greg, yes sounds like the same cemetery workers at Queen of Heaven, hillside. I know that you are angry, deep breaths, and listen to what Brian might say.

Love to all, can't stay up any longer.

dee

[aviemare]

"Annie, your poetry is really beautiful.

I know that it feels as though all the words of good intentions are lies,

and perhaps some of them are, but I do believe that some of them were written by those who also found themselves in deep pain and loss.

I for one, will honestly hope that eventually, there will be some sort of acceptance of Jess leaving, and some sort of peace will be made in your life. We are never quite the same but we become even more as we find ways to both gather the good of our Child inside of us, while at the same time releasing some of that goodness to his/her friends, family, and the world. NOt now, it is so soon, but later on when the shock of this loss moves aside to allow for the next phase of this journey."

Dee:

I can see how much time and dedication you give to this site and it's members and how much you comfort all.  I'm sure your spot in Heaven has a huge RESERVED sign on it and I'm sure you are more loved and appreciated than even you know.

Regarding the "lies" part of my poem; it was merely the way that the piece came together and certainly not directed at anyone in particular, much less anyone here.  Poems are often metaphors, and even more often ambiguous and confusing.  That's why my husband never reads any poetry I write; it hurts his brain to figure out what I'm saying and half the time I'm not sure myself!

I'm not sure who Jess(ica?) is.  My daughter is Nicole.  Truthfully, I will never "accept" she is gone and I will mourn her with my last dying breath.   To me, personally, the term "acceptance" means that I am ok with something or at least grudgingly resign myself to it, and I will never be ok with my child being cut down in the prime of her life or her baby never knowing her.

However, that does not mean that I won't eventually re-define my life to live in spite of her absence.  I have spent the last 10 years of my life re-defining what I had become as a result of the horrific traumas I have endured from a very young age, incurable pain conditions and tendons in my elbows and ankles that just seem to rip apart at the slightest twist of the limb.  And ya know...I think I have done a pretty good job of it!  I can still keep up a clean house, have a social life when I feel like it, and ride my mare Avalon who has become fat as a tick since my last 2 ankle surgeries within the past 3 years.  I was just looking at her today as she called out to me from her stall and thinking I will get back to riding her as soon as Nicole's memorial service is over at the end of May.

You know, Dee...maybe it is too soon for a person like me to be here.  I was a writer by profession for many years and maybe my emotions are too easy to put into words; perhaps they seem raw and savage and ungrateful in some sort of way.  I think losing my dad and daughter in 12 months unhinged me a bit.  But things are not always what they seem, and I am truly grateful for the support you and others have given and I know this website and people like you have saved the sanity of many.

Since I am already at least marginally insane, perhaps I should postpone my visits here until I truly do have something productive to share.  Maybe when I can give back at least what I take I will then be worthy of this site.

Peace & Happy Trails Always,

Anni & AvieMare

[ericasmom]

Annie,

clearly, I should never write when my eyes are fluttering as they were, so ready to sleep, though my intention was not at all the way you interpreted and so I shall try to clarify with hope that you will of course keep posting. First off, how horrid of me to use the name Jess, I don't know why I named Nicole with the wrong name and I so apologize.

I can see that you are a writer in your posts, your words are so wonderfully spoken/written. I don't think it too soon for you to write what is in your heart, I have been here for 6 years and people have come at all different times in their journey, and i think those of us that have been here a long time (years) have seen in those new to this site is, that folks like yourself are finding this place sooner than many of us did. I think that it is great, because I do believe that being here early on is a mind/soul-saver for many. There have been many long lonely nights I found myself unable to stay asleep and came to this little place where i knew my heart and aching soul would find a connection to someone who got it. My response to your poetry had nothing to do with people here saying things that may or may not be lies, but in general, in the world. The expectation of so many who have not walked this journey si that we find ways to be our old selves again, because who we become makes them uncomfortable. We are told so many things when we lose a child by well-meaning folks, family, friends, and clergy...That your Child is in a better place, that it was Her time...and really while that may all be true and maybe we will all find that out when we leave this planet, those words are hollow statements that allow others thier grief. The grief of a parent or a child who loses a parent the way you have, the ways we all have, is a journey that has a beginning and is without end. And as far as acceptance, no, I don't mean to say that it will ever be okay that Eri is not here, but after a long period of mourning and deep grief, I found the days took on a different light, a different kind of sense and purpose.

 In no way would I ever use the word accept as something anyone should or has to do, and perhaps it is the interpretation of the word that has me trying to explain myself. I am of the mind and heart that whatever way you can move from one hour to the next when this kind of devastation occurs is a great feat. I am well aware of how slow a clock can tick past. Each one of us walks a similar path but each of us have our exclusive ways in which to find our footing. There is no wrong way to grieve only sadness that we are made to grieve one so young. We do come unhinged, and when we find the materials to realign ourselves again, we are made new with our old parts. WE find glimmers of hope, pieces of gold and we one day laugh again. And my saying this is not meant to diminish the pain of today for anyone, ever! It is always said with the hope that those new to this place see that one day, people who also lost a Child were able to enjoy life again and feel the presence of their Child in their daily lives. I am never saying that that is enough, I am saying that after some years, it is what I have found. It is what I have come to know.

I apologize for any angst or discomfort that I may have caused you Annie.

Dee

[ericasmom]

HAPPY EARTH DAY TO ALL, 40 years strong. May we learn and do what is needed.

[ericasmom]

Where in the world is everyone today?

Well whatever you are doing, I hope the sun is shining in your part of the world.

dee